Page 11 | to not invite them on this day out

QueenBlue · 2023-08-08T09:03:58+00:00

My parents and sister live a couple of hours away from me and my husband so we don't get to spend much time with them or they with our child who is now 5. They are coming up tomorrow and have arranged to take me, my sister, my nephew and my DC out for the day to an amusement park. We rarely do anything as a family so looking forward to it. The thing is my husbands older two children are with us tomorrow (I'm off and DH is working from home in the morning but off in the afternoon). This is outside of their normal time with us due to the school holidays so my parents didn't know when they booked to come but in any event they would prefer it to be just us anyway as they don't get much time with our child and my SC can be quite full on and argumentative. DH is pulling his face that I don't want to or haven't offered to take SC and has said he can work flex in the evening instead so he can come too with them. I've told him no and to just let my parents spend a day with me and our child. Aibu not inviting SC and DH along? For context they are 9 (SD) and 11 (SS). Our child is 5 and my nephew is 8. My parents and sister will be coming back to ours after we've been out to have a cup of tea and stuff and say hello before heading home so will see them later on.

Icycloud · 08/08/2023 14:26

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Daphnis156 · 08/08/2023 14:27

I like the suggestions that the DH "will manage the full on behaviour".
I would suspect he would do nothing of the sort, which may be why OP doesn't want them!

viques · 08/08/2023 14:27

NortieTortie · 08/08/2023 12:27

OK, dad could take them elsewhere -- but where else would compare to a bloody theme park to two young kids?

How you can happily close the door on your stepchildren sitting at home with their dad working while you take your bio kid out for a massively fun day, I don't know.

Not right at all imo.

Loads of places, go karting, climbing walls, paintball or laser quest, go ape. Really great places to take pre teen kids, which incidentally would also be fairly crap days out if a younger sibling tagged along.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 08/08/2023 14:28

Perthsmurf · 08/08/2023 14:01

Sorry, but you’re punishing your child’s older siblings because of issues you have with your DH’s parenting.

This is wrong and this sort of arrangement is ultimately harmful to your child’s relationship with their siblings. It’s also harmful to your relationship with DH and puts him in an awful dilemma from which you will lose out in the end.

Please don’t do this. I know firsthand that it’s very hard to be a step parent, so you may need couples counselling to help him understand your perspective and take better responsibility, and for you to understand what he’s asking from you as a step parent.

Has it completely escaped everyone’s notice that the SC are badly behaved ? If their behaviour is an ongoing problem on days out, then they need to be called out on it and told that that is the reason they are not invited, not because the OP doesn’t like them, or has problems with DH, or any of the other accusations being thrown at her here. Why should bad behaviour be rewarded just because they are her SC ?

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 08/08/2023 14:29

Superfood · 08/08/2023 14:26

Of course they're not close. She actively doesn't want them to spend time together!

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Of course they're not close. She actively doesn't want them to spend time together!

Not true - it's just this one day she doesn't want to spend with them, they're together all the rest of the time. OP is allowed to see her parents without DH's other children around!!

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2023 14:29

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Her child isn’t the step child. You can keep telling yourself that but it won’t make it true.

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2023 14:29

Spacemoon · 08/08/2023 12:51

I have no personal experience of step families so may be way off the mark here, but just going off the experience of witnessing the step families I know quite well... I find it odd that SC aren't automatically included in family days out. They are your SC and so they are your parents step GC. If it were me in this situation, I would hope my parents would treat all the kids equally and like they were all their grandkids ...as I would see them all as my kids.

From your replies, it sounds a bit like you have a few issues with your SC and their behaviour which may be clouding your opinion here.

Personally, I don't think anyone is being particularly unreasonable and can kind of see both sides in this particular scenario. However, I do think it's a weird set up overall, to not have all kids seen as kids/grandkids and have the step kids as separate and not seen as part of 'your' family.

It's not weird at all when you're talking about non resident step children. My parents barely know my DSC, they are friendly acquaintances at most, it would be weird for them to view them as grandchildren, or indeed for me to view them as my kids.

Sometimes having experience really helps. It saves us all from wading through pages and pages of comments from people that can only fathom what the situation might be like with step children that are around full time. There are many, many other dynamics out there.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 08/08/2023 14:30

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Blimey! You've got so many things wrong here, and then to be name calling too! Not nice.

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2023 14:32

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 08/08/2023 14:29

Of course they're not close. She actively doesn't want them to spend time together!

Not true - it's just this one day she doesn't want to spend with them, they're together all the rest of the time. OP is allowed to see her parents without DH's other children around!!

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Exactly! People think she should be shackled to her stepchildren the way they’re going on. She’s allowed time away from them without it being some sort of statement.

ScribblingPixie · 08/08/2023 14:36

I think you do your thing, your DH takes the older kids and you all meet up at the end for food. Get there, wave them off and put your phone on mute.

BeeDavis · 08/08/2023 14:36

Can’t have much sympathy for you moaning about your husband when you clearly knew how crap he was with his first 2 kids. You then had the bright idea of bringing another one into the mix!! Well done you. Women should just stop marrying men with children if they aren’t going to class them as family. Sick of seeing threads like this, the only ones I feel sorry for at the bloody kids stuck in the middle of it all!

Rosscameasdoody · 08/08/2023 14:38

@icycloud Wow. No, the OP’s child is the biological child of her DH, not a stepchild. What you, and many other people on here are overlooking, is that the OP doesn’t want to exclude them simply because they are SC. They have form for bad behaviour and ruining days out. And their father wants to be the ‘good guy’ so doesn’t discipline them. He doesn’t bother to arrange anything fun for them to do when he has them - he leaves that to the OP. Added to that, he wasn’t particularly bothered that the day out had been arranged just for their own child and OP’s nephew until he found out where they were going. Now he wants to tag along with his children, which means the OP will have to discipline them because he’s Disney Dad. It will take away from her own enjoyment, while he has a lovely carefree day out, having made no contribution to it whatsoever. Why are you advocating rewarding the SC’s bad behaviour ? And how does that make her a ‘cow’ ?

DinoRoar14 · 08/08/2023 14:41

BeeDavis · 08/08/2023 14:36

Can’t have much sympathy for you moaning about your husband when you clearly knew how crap he was with his first 2 kids. You then had the bright idea of bringing another one into the mix!! Well done you. Women should just stop marrying men with children if they aren’t going to class them as family. Sick of seeing threads like this, the only ones I feel sorry for at the bloody kids stuck in the middle of it all!

Or maybe men can stop producing kids they won't parent.

OP is being a great mother.
She doesn't need to parent kids who have a parent there.

Eggandcresspleasemummy · 08/08/2023 14:42

BellaJuno · 08/08/2023 14:07

To deliberately exclude children is just plain nasty - if they’re with you when events occur, they should be invited. You’re just sending them a clear signal what you think of them. How would you feel if your child was the step-child in this situation and they were left out of this sort of trip?

In that scenario it would depend on how badly behaved they were - exactly as with the DC.

Sugarfree23 · 08/08/2023 14:52

Options either you all go or your DS goes with his grandparents and you and DH have time with his kids.

Cruel to leave them behind and will do tons of damage to relationships that will be hard to undo.

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2023 14:53

Sugarfree23 · 08/08/2023 14:52

Options either you all go or your DS goes with his grandparents and you and DH have time with his kids.

Cruel to leave them behind and will do tons of damage to relationships that will be hard to undo.

Huh? Why on Earth should OP stay behind? This is totally illogical.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 08/08/2023 14:53

Whilst I can see why many people think OP is being unreasonable, as generally, SC should be well integrated and made to feel part of the whole family.

I do feel having read all of OP's updates regarding her family dynamic and disney dad etc., that she is not being unreasonable to want to spend some quality time with her family that she doesn't see much of, free from any disruptive behaviour issues from the SC that disney dad will be too lazy to address and actually parent himself.

YANBU @QueenBlue

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/08/2023 14:54

Sugarfree23 · 08/08/2023 14:52

Options either you all go or your DS goes with his grandparents and you and DH have time with his kids.

Cruel to leave them behind and will do tons of damage to relationships that will be hard to undo.

It won’t do them any damage if their father gets off his arse and takes them out for the day.

Any damage will be realising that their father is only interested in them if he has someone else doing the grunt work

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/08/2023 14:56

Daphnis156 · 08/08/2023 14:27

I like the suggestions that the DH "will manage the full on behaviour".
I would suspect he would do nothing of the sort, which may be why OP doesn't want them!

It’s amazing how many people are sure of that when the Op - who knows her DH - is sure he won’t

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 08/08/2023 14:59

Sugarfree23 · 08/08/2023 14:52

Options either you all go or your DS goes with his grandparents and you and DH have time with his kids.

Cruel to leave them behind and will do tons of damage to relationships that will be hard to undo.

Funny how your options are minimal disruption or effort for the husband.

How about he takes them out on a fun day out?

billy1966 · 08/08/2023 15:01

Rosscameasdoody · 08/08/2023 14:38

@icycloud Wow. No, the OP’s child is the biological child of her DH, not a stepchild. What you, and many other people on here are overlooking, is that the OP doesn’t want to exclude them simply because they are SC. They have form for bad behaviour and ruining days out. And their father wants to be the ‘good guy’ so doesn’t discipline them. He doesn’t bother to arrange anything fun for them to do when he has them - he leaves that to the OP. Added to that, he wasn’t particularly bothered that the day out had been arranged just for their own child and OP’s nephew until he found out where they were going. Now he wants to tag along with his children, which means the OP will have to discipline them because he’s Disney Dad. It will take away from her own enjoyment, while he has a lovely carefree day out, having made no contribution to it whatsoever. Why are you advocating rewarding the SC’s bad behaviour ? And how does that make her a ‘cow’ ?

This.

You married a loser with children and then had another child with him.

Think about that before you inflict him on another child.

Of course he should use this opportunity to have one on one time with HIS children.

If he doesn't want to, that is on HIM.

Keep repeating that he needs to use this time to arrange something for his children.

Do NOT be bullied by him into giving in.

Do NOT allow him to ruin this rare day out with your family.

It is amazing how often these threads arise on MN.

Loser has new child with a childless woman, but refuses to do anything with HIS older existing children.

Men with children should come with a warning.

So many of them are such losers, desperately looking around for any woman to take on the rearing of skivvy aupair to their existing children.

SerafinasGoose · 08/08/2023 15:02

frazzledasarock · 08/08/2023 11:11

Yeah poor dad having to organise a day out for his own kids and then parent them. When he could palm off his kids to the nearest uterus and take all credit for his partner and her family’s hard work of organising a lovely day out.

poor menz, will nobody think of their kids, because they absolutely should not have to.

This nails it.

My initial reaction is that no child should suffer because of the shortcomings of their parent (dad), but this isn't necessarily straightforward, especially when other relatives come into play.

A lot of attention is being expended on the stepchildren losing out, but little in the way of OP's child and their relationship with wider family. Presumably the stepchildrenhave their own maternal grandparents. OP's child deserves to have a relationship with theirs. And on this occasion, their family has organized the day, and they naturally want to spend time with their grandchild.

It's the father of all three who needs stop diverting his responsibility for his children onto the women, get off his backside, and step up.

I feel your frustration, OP, and I don't blame you.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 08/08/2023 15:03

ScribblingPixie · 08/08/2023 14:36

I think you do your thing, your DH takes the older kids and you all meet up at the end for food. Get there, wave them off and put your phone on mute.

That's relying on DH cooperating and actually doing that, which is unlikely. Which will make it a shitty day for everyone.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 08/08/2023 15:12

BeeDavis · Today 14:36

Can’t have much sympathy for you moaning about your husband when you clearly knew how crap he was with his first 2 kids. You then had the bright idea of bringing another one into the mix!! Well done you. Women should just stop marrying men with children if they aren’t going to class them as family. Sick of seeing threads like this, the only ones I feel sorry for at the bloody kids stuck in the middle of it all!

No clearly about it - presumably when OP first met her now DH, she would have only seen the disney dad behaviour. How would she have known otherwise until she married him? Different story if she moved in before marriage and then had time to see it, but maybe he hid it well until he had her hooked..

frazzledasarock · 08/08/2023 15:17

The dad could take his kids to the same theme park. He could do it all and arrange to meet with OP at the end of the day or for lunch. The older kids won’t want to do the same ride as the little one anyway.

the H chooses not to. He doesn’t want to buy tickets for his children, and organise his children and take his to the theme park, he doesn’t want to supervise his children all day he doesn’t want to parent his children.

he wants OP to do it all, so he can go along and have fun, and palm his kids off on OP & her family.

let’s face it, if the bio dad wanted to take his kids to a theme park chances are OP wouldn’t even know he’s there if he chose to take his kids there regardless.