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Original poster

Husband wants every Christmas with his family?

178 replies

ChouxPastryHeart · 08/08/2023 08:35

Hi all :-)
This is my first time posting and I would really love some advice. It will be quite long so I can give proper context, so please bear with me!

DH and I have been together 10 years. He is Swedish, and I am Italian but grew up in Scotland with my mother and sister. We met in Scotland, but moved to Sweden in Oct 2019 to start a family. For the first 5 years of our relationship, we agreed that it was only fair to alternate Christmas between our two families, so one year we would stay in Scotland with my mum and sister and then the next we travelled to Sweden and spent it with his parents (his mum is now widowed but has new partner) maternal grandparents, BIL + his wife and kids.

In 2018, I became estranged from my mum and sister due to dysfunctional family dynamics, so we spent that Christmas just us as a couple in Scotland and till this day, we still say it was one of our favourite Christmases.

Since 2019, we have spent Christmas with his family. They have a tradition where they all meet up on the 23rd so that godparents of the BIL’s kids get candy and small gift. Then, there’s a Christmas dinner on 24th after which presents are opened.

Now we have two DD’s, 2.5 + 1 year old and for years, I’ve been saying to DH that once we have kids, I want us to start our own traditions. I think spending the 23rd and 24th with his extended family is too much. My ideal scenario would be to go see them the 23rd, stay at our home the 24th with just us and DD’s and do the whole build up to Christmas Day the British way so that kids open up presents on 25th instead of 24th. DH is opposed to this and says that we can still be with his family on 24th and be at home just us the 25th and create traditions for then. The thing is though, we’d get home at around 8pm to put DD’s to bed, knackered and frazzled, and we would have no time to prep for the next day like we would if we were at home the whole time. I think it’s unfair for him to expect us to always go to his family. He has had a good deal the last 4 years considering I have had no family to travel to Scotland for anymore. His ideal scenario now that his grandparents are too old to host, is that we take turns with us and BIL hosting the whole family every 24th. Am I being unreasonable to want to have the 24th to ourselves?

MIL is the type that always likes to get her way and has a tantrum when that’s not the case. She kicked up a fuss on Mother’s Day because I wanted to go out with a friend to have some me time instead of visiting her with DH and DD’s. 🙄

OP posts:
Igowalkininmasleep · 08/08/2023 08:36

When you start your own family that unit takes priority over anyone else. If your in-laws don't understand this, and more importantly if your partner doesn't understand this, you have much bigger problems than Christmas.

TossacointoHenryCavill · 08/08/2023 08:37

When you host you could do British style Christmas on the 25th. Do presents for your kids in the morning and then family come over for lunch.

Original poster
ChouxPastryHeart · 08/08/2023 08:38

I would be willing to do that but DH just says that his whole family wouldn’t like that and would want to keep their tradition of doing a dinner on 24th.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 08/08/2023 08:39

I would tell DH that i am not going to spend every Christmas with his family and his mother needs to adjust her expectations around you.

Then see what happens. If he doesn't accept it, he can spend every christmas with his mother, and every other christmas with his children and his mother while you do something else.

Igowalkininmasleep · 08/08/2023 08:40

Then you go just for dinner on the 24th and leave straight after. Your kids come first.

BMW6 · 08/08/2023 08:40

TossacointoHenryCavill · 08/08/2023 08:37

When you host you could do British style Christmas on the 25th. Do presents for your kids in the morning and then family come over for lunch.

I think this is a fair solution

CamelSilk · 08/08/2023 08:41

So the day you are arguing over is the 24th? You and DH agree that 23rd is with his family and 25th is just the 4 of you at home? (Have I got that right?) If so, I guess you could compromise by doing alternate years, but I must admit I'm with DH here and I think it's more fun to spend the day with family.

AngelAurora · 08/08/2023 08:43

Well is your husband always so controlling?

You have children of your own now, so stay at home and have Christmas how you want it, it seems your husband gets his own way far too much. If he wants to spend Christmas with his family, let him, but make it clear you will be spending Christmas at home with your children making new Christmas traditions.

Hiddenvoice · 08/08/2023 08:43

I would offer to alternate like you used to do. Say you’re happy to host but it will be your way, so you will host a British Christmas and this will allow them to try something different. Then every second year you have a smaller, quieter Christmas when you only see them on the 23rd.
If he isn’t happy with this then remind him it’s all about compromise and isn’t fair to expect you to only see his family.

When you create your own family you of course want to include your own family traditions but it’s nice tk start new ones too. My dh and I alternate going to our families each year but we now have a dd and I’d quite like to spend Christmas at home with her. I’ve invited family over to come and see us for a few hours but it won’t be for the meal. I’ve explained to my mum and my mil that it’s going to be a new thing for us and we will see and spend some quality time with them at Christmas too.

Screamingabdabz · 08/08/2023 08:43

Once little kids come into it, Christmas should centre on their home. And it’s knackering enough for parents of small children without having to factor in travelling and game-face for family too… Nope, YANBU, put your foot down op.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/08/2023 08:44

ChouxPastryHeart · 08/08/2023 08:38

I would be willing to do that but DH just says that his whole family wouldn’t like that and would want to keep their tradition of doing a dinner on 24th.

Well, he needs to compromise too. I think you should continue to alternate- one Christmas his way, one Christmas your way. If you're feeling generous, you can invite his family to join in with the "your way" celebrations on 25th and they can cost
choose to take it or leave it.

BMW6 · 08/08/2023 08:45

ChouxPastryHeart · 08/08/2023 08:38

I would be willing to do that but DH just says that his whole family wouldn’t like that and would want to keep their tradition of doing a dinner on 24th.

Well his family don't get to dictate how YOUR family spend every Christmas!

You are making your own family traditions now, which is right and proper

ClementWeatherToday · 08/08/2023 08:45

Ask your DH to explain why he should get to choose what happens for 100% of Christmases while you should get 0%. Ask him why he only wants to pass his heritage down to your joint children and to tell you why yours is of no importance. Point out you are suggesting a 50/50 split and not trying to hog everything as he is.

MIL is the type that always likes to get her way and has a tantrum when that’s not the case. She kicked up a fuss on Mother’s Day because I wanted to go out with a friend to have some me time instead of visiting her with DH and DD’s. 🙄

This is the crux of the issue. Your DH prioritises his mummy over his wife, even on a day that ought to be your choice as you are the one currently parenting small children. She's had her turn. You get half of Christmases now, and your DH (by which I mean your MIL...) gets half.

Given that you have presumably tried having a sensible conversation about all of this with your husband, just start kicking up a bigger fuss than MIL. I'll bet at the moment it's easier for him to disappoint you than her. Make it harder. (This isn't a very functional approach, but if your husband won't respond to a functional conversation then what else can you do?)

Read Toxic In Laws by Susan Forward.

VerasRaincoat · 08/08/2023 08:47

I have your mil too. Spent every Christmas with her because the one year we spent one alone she threw a massive strop.

I’ve now realised the reason my partner always sided with his mother is because she threw strops, not because that’s what she wanted to do. I’ve since then become immovable on what I want to do and so it’s easier for him to tell his mother no than me.

Just because you are estranged from your family doesn’t mean you don’t get your turn. Alternate years. Start your own traditions. You only get the early years once

VerasRaincoat · 08/08/2023 08:47

(Also pretty much estranged from my family)

TossacointoHenryCavill · 08/08/2023 08:49

But if you’re hosting, you can just make it the 25th and the inlaws can come or not (giving reasonable notice). And they can still do their own thing on the 24th if they want as well, it’s just you won’t be there every 2nd year.
The kids will understand the Scottish Christmas this year, Swedish Christmas next year thing pretty rapidly.

Brownbearsinthewoods · 08/08/2023 08:50

With complicated family dynamics I always think it's best to not get tied up in knots over which day we do which things. Dec 25th is in reality just one day and for our family, who have partners/in-laws scattered across the country (all with competing priorities), we set aside one day during the holidays to have 'English Christmas'. It doesn't have to be on the 25th precisely. What matters is that we do it, have time together and do our own fun traditions.

I think it's lovely that your kids get to do 'Swedish Christmas' (they'll never forget that) and if you don't stress about 'Christmas' having to be on the 25th, have that as a chilled PJ day and do your own celebration on the 26th. Your kids then get everything, all the traditions, all the glorious blend of cultures. Sounds fabulous to me. 😊

nevynevster · 08/08/2023 08:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Brefugee · 08/08/2023 08:55

i also think that since you are in his home country, he needs to learn to compromise with the things you want to do for the occasion days.

Mothers' day: you get to choose what you do with your kids (if you want, without if you want) and he can choose to visit his own mother (i don't buy into prioritising those who are parenting small kids - older mothers have limited time for their children to spend with them)

Fathers day? what happens (in Germany the men go out boozing)

Christmas? well, you're Italian but are you culturally Scottish? Alternate, one year at his family, one year at yours - and invite others in only if you want. That way every other year each of you gets the Christmas you want

What happens at New Year - particularly if you are culturally Scottish.

Are there Italian customs/traditions (or Scottish) that you want to preserve? living in a foreign country can feel like losing your identity, and it is natural to want to pass at least some of that cultural identity on to your own children.

I would be stern with a tantruming MIL. Firstly by sticking up for myself for the occasions that really mean a lot to me. Secondly by palming all contact with her off to DH.

Marblessolveeverything · 08/08/2023 08:55

I would also be aware as the children get older you will need time to assemble things which can take hours.

Throw that into the mix, or a travel delay? Travelling at that time of year will get more tricky.

Kyliealwayshadthebestdisco · 08/08/2023 09:00

You’re basically asking him to miss out on the equivalent of Christmas Day? I would personally embrace the customs of the country you’re now living in and/or do a second Christmas Day on the 25th!

Velvian · 08/08/2023 09:05

@nevynevster , I think posters do realise that. OP is living in Sweden and wants to pass on some of her own traditions to her DC who are of mixed nationality. Every other year is perfectly fair enough.

I agree with PP that you need to make it more difficult for your DH to say no to you than it is to say no to his mum @ChouxPastryHeart .

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2023 09:07

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Her DH doesn't want that...

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2023 09:09

I do think when the children are small it is hard to take them away for a couple of very busy days, bring them home past bedtime and then expect them to be full of beans the next day.

If they do the 24th with family every year the alternate 25th won't be much fun

Fine when they're older, but not yet

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2023 09:14

No you are not being unreasonable. The only fair way is to alternate getting to choose. You need to be blunt and tell him you do the his family Christmas for his sake not your own, and this way, you are never actually getting to do Christmas the way you want to and that is not fair.