Husband wants every Christmas with his family?

[ChouxPastryHeart]

Hi all :-)
This is my first time posting and I would really love some advice. It will be quite long so I can give proper context, so please bear with me!

DH and I have been together 10 years. He is Swedish, and I am Italian but grew up in Scotland with my mother and sister. We met in Scotland, but moved to Sweden in Oct 2019 to start a family. For the first 5 years of our relationship, we agreed that it was only fair to alternate Christmas between our two families, so one year we would stay in Scotland with my mum and sister and then the next we travelled to Sweden and spent it with his parents (his mum is now widowed but has new partner) maternal grandparents, BIL + his wife and kids.

In 2018, I became estranged from my mum and sister due to dysfunctional family dynamics, so we spent that Christmas just us as a couple in Scotland and till this day, we still say it was one of our favourite Christmases.

Since 2019, we have spent Christmas with his family. They have a tradition where they all meet up on the 23rd so that godparents of the BIL’s kids get candy and small gift. Then, there’s a Christmas dinner on 24th after which presents are opened.

Now we have two DD’s, 2.5 + 1 year old and for years, I’ve been saying to DH that once we have kids, I want us to start our own traditions. I think spending the 23rd and 24th with his extended family is too much. My ideal scenario would be to go see them the 23rd, stay at our home the 24th with just us and DD’s and do the whole build up to Christmas Day the British way so that kids open up presents on 25th instead of 24th. DH is opposed to this and says that we can still be with his family on 24th and be at home just us the 25th and create traditions for then. The thing is though, we’d get home at around 8pm to put DD’s to bed, knackered and frazzled, and we would have no time to prep for the next day like we would if we were at home the whole time. I think it’s unfair for him to expect us to always go to his family. He has had a good deal the last 4 years considering I have had no family to travel to Scotland for anymore. His ideal scenario now that his grandparents are too old to host, is that we take turns with us and BIL hosting the whole family every 24th. Am I being unreasonable to want to have the 24th to ourselves?

MIL is the type that always likes to get her way and has a tantrum when that’s not the case. She kicked up a fuss on Mother’s Day because I wanted to go out with a friend to have some me time instead of visiting her with DH and DD’s. 🙄

You're in a fortunate position in that you and your in-laws celebrate Christmas on different days! Do Swedish Christmas on 24 th, go home reasonably early and do Scottish Christmas at home on 25th

We do both Christmas. 24th and 25th. Blending of cultures is about embracing all.

Just prepare in advance so you don't have to rush on 24th eve

Your kids are growing up in Sweden is that right? And you are no longer in contact with your own family in Scotland?

If that’s the case then I think it is in your kids interests to do a family Christmas with your DH family on the 23rd / 24th, which also what all their future school mates are doing.

You can then do a scaled down British style Christmas Day on the 25th, with a bit of prep getting back at 8pm the night before shouldn’t be too big a deal. Or just make life easier and do it on the 26th - at least while they are so little.

Of course if you were in touch with your family then you should alternate, but that’s not the case, so I can see your husband’s point. I think in this case you are thinking more of yourself than the kids, they are going to be Swedish and this will be their Christmas.

It might be good to think of what elements of a British Christmas you could introduce to his Swedish family Christmas - and as long as you don’t interrupt the main flow of events you can be quite firm about this.

Do be overall firm with you MIL though - do what you want on Mother’s Day.

IMO the traditional British build up to Christmas on the 24th isn't that exciting. What is it, a pantomime, a film and early bedtime? If you are offering that to your DC instead of a big Swedish celebration with their cousins then they are missing out IMO.

If the 24th is a big deal were you live, I'd join it even if it's just for my DH and DC.

I come from . country where Christmas Eve is a big celebration. I'd be miserable if I had to do it the British way when I'm there just because I want to pass the tradition of a 'build up day' to my children!

I’m in exactly the same position and we’ve nearly always done both. Santa presents at ours on 25th and when the kids were younger we just left earlier. They love it now and wouldn’t miss it. Some years we’ve done something else like host 24th at ours or gone to my family the whole time. The trick is to not let the plans be set in stone but honestly it’s just easy to go now. Going on 23rd as well would be too much for me. The children have two Christmases so they’re very happy but I did spend the early years letting it infuriate me that it was pushed as the ‘main’ day - it gets easier as they get older.

I would say Christmas is about wider family so would do it the Swedish way. It would be different if you had family on your side. I would not see this as a sensible thing to make a stand about. It brings people closer together and their support will be helpful

In general I do think that the British tradition of a day celebrating is better than the Christmas eve especially for small children in cool countries- in hot countries evening is ok as everyone stays up late anyway

I think you need to push this as they are not just Swedish.

I have Norwegian family. They do presents and dinner on the 24th as tradition, and then again small presents and traditional British Christmas dinner on 25th .
It's important that your children know and understand both traditions .

I’m in your situation but reversed. Once we had kids we started our own tradition which for us is that we celebrate ‘my country style’ at home on the 24th, which is when we give presents from family and eat our traditional foods. Santa comes in the night and his presents are under the tree in the morning of the 25th and we go to my hubby’s family for their xmas dinner.

If we go to my home country we do a reverse - Santa comes on the 24th and we celebrate with family then, with a smaller (and calmer!) celebration on the 25th when we give our gifts and eat British food.

I agree with the pp who said that three days of celebrating is a bit much though so I’d probably skip the 23rd in your case.

Even if the 24th is Christmas to her kids growing up Swedish, surely it is still fair enough for her to not want to spend every single one with her in laws? Surely it's no different from a British couple wanting to alternate Christmas? I would happily spend every year with my parents but my DP wouldn't want to, not just because he wants to be with his family but essentially because he doesn't always want to be with mine. I think that's fair enough, I feel the same about his.

I'd usually be absolutely on your side that Christmas' at least need to be split two ways, if not three ways including some "just your family" Christmases...

But it's difficult to make that argument here, when the events are on different days, and your children are half-Swedish. There's a compromise in sometimes going all in on their celebrations; and sometimes going for the meal on the 24th and then leaving and doing your own British-style celebrations on the 25th. If you're organised, you'll be able to get most of the prep done for that before the 24th - I never do much prep on Christmas Eve, beyond getting the presents out and last-minute wrapping - and you could avoid a lot of that.

I'd try and find a way to build the two traditions together, given they don't happen at the same time. It may be that the kids prefer the big Swedish celebrations with lots of family and celebrating over the British celebrations, if you pit them against each other.

DH standing up to MIL is a different thing, and I'd be having some serious conversations about that...

I think there your husband needs to recognise its not all about what he wants. There are 2 of you in this relationship. However, I personally would tell him that I'll do it his way if he helps to prep all the stuff for your family Christmas before going to his parents.

I think YABU. You don't celebrate the 24th and they do, so your kids get the best of both worlds.
My SIL always celebrated Christmas Eve. So we would go there. We'd exchange gifts with them and get home around midnight. Kids would be watching the sky all the way home. Then Christmas Day was just us and we had turkey and presents at home.
It sounds like just because you don't particularly like the in laws you want to stop them celebrating with your kids.

We always had to go to inlaws for Xmas. When I had my second baby it ended it, as I was very firm on staying at home. My eldest said it was the best Christmas ever, because we got up whenever, opened the presents, and spent all day assembling and setting them up. They actually got to play with their gifts, rather than opening them to revisit the next day. We just had orange juice and baked croissants on the table and cooked dinner whenever we felt like it. I realised that I'd never go elsewhere again. My kids come first.

You have my sympathy…a bit 😂 I’ve got to contend with bitterly estranged inlaws every freaking Christmas and birthday 🤦🏼‍♀️ No family on my side to counterbalance.

So we either have MIL at our house or FIL/SMIL at their house.

I would like Christmas at my own house without any visitors. Most favourite memory was lockdown Christmas 2020 when it was just us four.

They’re nice enough people, but the truth is that I don’t want to compromise on what other people think is the ideal Christmas. And I want to eat turkey, even though it’s dry and tasteless…. I don’t want to eat greasy goose!! 😂

If his family have their main celebrations on the 24th and you want to do things the traditional British way, I don’t see why you can’t do both. Spend the 24th with his family then come home, leave out a treat for FC and some carrots and look forward to the next morning. Then you can have a relaxed 25th to yourselves. It sounds perfect to me!

I wouldn’t host on the 24th, but if you have to host then you can do it your Scottish way on the 25th.

I’d do both but get home for 6pm so the kids aren’t late to bed and you have time to prep.

I'm sorry, OP. But i agree with this.

You live in Sweden. This is when and how Christmas is celebrated in Sweden.

As someone who has spent the last 4 Christmases alone with DH and now baby... your partner doesn't know what he's missing out on! Everything at your pace, no expectations and the freedom to make your own tradition (like swimming or skiing on Christmas Day)!

If he is really stubborn about 'his' Christmas, would he be willing to attend their Christmas alone to see his family? He still gets 'his' Christmas but you and the kids get the freedom to bring a bit of British tradition... if only for a year. You could still go with him on the 23rd but the 24th is Christmas Eve for you and the kids. He can then enjoy Christmas again with you guys on the 25th?

What do you think your children would prefer?

In principle I agree that it ought to be alternating between your preference and DH’s preference.

However I also suspect that your DC may love seeing their relatives at Christmas and might be a bit disappointed with a “just us” Christmas by comparison. Especially as they no longer see the relatives on your side. And especially once all their friends are doing Swedish Christmas with family and they may wonder why they aren’t.

Honestly I’d be inclined to stick with the current arrangement and have a quiet family Christmas on the 25th. Yes they will be too tired for a big day but with the 4 of you it wouldn’t be particularly big or tiring anyway?

You could still go with him on the 23rd but the 24th is Christmas Eve for you and the kids. He can then enjoy Christmas again with you guys on the 25th?

But 24th is the main day? So they would miss his but have only British ones?

My suggestion is that you take it in turns with BIL to host his family on 24th as your other half suggests but only open gifts from them on that day. Save the children’s gifts from Santa until the 25th and start your own traditions. Maybe a simpler lunch that does not involve so much preparation, similar to Boxing Day in the UK. You could enjoy the 25th quietly at home with your own family unit, with no one being upset. As a MIL myself who is approaching 70, I would suggest it would be very unkind to expect your husband to exclude his mum at Christmas, even every other year.

I think his tradition sounds lovely!

I think that when your kids are older they will also love being part of that side of the family’s tradition.

You can leave on the 24th and do the whole Xmas eve thing and then have Xmas day with just your little family on the 25th.

Yes it’s a bit of a pain because like you say you won’t get back until 8pm but you could try and plan ahead so nearly everything is done ready for when you get back.

You could either leave theirs earlier to get home a bit earlier or make a tradition of listening to Christmas audiobooks on the way home and perhaps driving a different way home to see the houses decorated.

If you want turkey then you could put it on low over night and I’d get some frozen pastries to have a relaxed luxurious breakfast in the morning.
Then I’d do presents and then get everyone in the kitchen to help prep the rest of the food.

I usually spend Xmas with just me and my DD because I have a tiny family and my parents have MH issues and they end up ruining it and I always feel so sorry for my DD that she doesn’t get these big celebrations and traditions like some other kids do.
I think you are so lucky.

I don't see the issue tbh given they celebrate 24th and you 25th. Just have 2 celebrations. But then I never really understand not spending time with wider family at Christmas time, we get all year with our immediate families, it's nice to be with all the generations at Christmas..

Remember in any discussion about future Christmases that your children won’t be toddlers forever, so your and their needs now (eg for a sensible bedtime) will change. You can also do something totally different as a one off - go to Italy for Christmas for example.