Husband wants every Christmas with his family?

[ChouxPastryHeart]

Hi all :-)
This is my first time posting and I would really love some advice. It will be quite long so I can give proper context, so please bear with me!

DH and I have been together 10 years. He is Swedish, and I am Italian but grew up in Scotland with my mother and sister. We met in Scotland, but moved to Sweden in Oct 2019 to start a family. For the first 5 years of our relationship, we agreed that it was only fair to alternate Christmas between our two families, so one year we would stay in Scotland with my mum and sister and then the next we travelled to Sweden and spent it with his parents (his mum is now widowed but has new partner) maternal grandparents, BIL + his wife and kids.

In 2018, I became estranged from my mum and sister due to dysfunctional family dynamics, so we spent that Christmas just us as a couple in Scotland and till this day, we still say it was one of our favourite Christmases.

Since 2019, we have spent Christmas with his family. They have a tradition where they all meet up on the 23rd so that godparents of the BIL’s kids get candy and small gift. Then, there’s a Christmas dinner on 24th after which presents are opened.

Now we have two DD’s, 2.5 + 1 year old and for years, I’ve been saying to DH that once we have kids, I want us to start our own traditions. I think spending the 23rd and 24th with his extended family is too much. My ideal scenario would be to go see them the 23rd, stay at our home the 24th with just us and DD’s and do the whole build up to Christmas Day the British way so that kids open up presents on 25th instead of 24th. DH is opposed to this and says that we can still be with his family on 24th and be at home just us the 25th and create traditions for then. The thing is though, we’d get home at around 8pm to put DD’s to bed, knackered and frazzled, and we would have no time to prep for the next day like we would if we were at home the whole time. I think it’s unfair for him to expect us to always go to his family. He has had a good deal the last 4 years considering I have had no family to travel to Scotland for anymore. His ideal scenario now that his grandparents are too old to host, is that we take turns with us and BIL hosting the whole family every 24th. Am I being unreasonable to want to have the 24th to ourselves?

MIL is the type that always likes to get her way and has a tantrum when that’s not the case. She kicked up a fuss on Mother’s Day because I wanted to go out with a friend to have some me time instead of visiting her with DH and DD’s. 🙄

You are lucky that the days don't clash completely . Go to in laws on 24th (most British people would love to have meal made on 24th) but the compromise is that you get home for 6pm to put stockings out then have British Christmas on 25th. Most people I know are prepping on 24th, an hour or so of stockings pajamas and fuss at bedtime and that's it until next day, you have perfect excuse to chill with hot choc and relax after family day.

I think it all depends on how far away they are and your level of tolerance. Ideally if they're not too far away you'd be there for the 24th and at yours for the 25th. But if they are far away and or find it impossible to tolerate I think it is fair enough to go every other year.

I grew up with a multicultural Christmas and we had a family Christmas early in the morning, then we were at the paternal grandparents for the rest of the morning/early afternoon and for the evening were with the maternal side of the family. It worked for us because we were no more than 10 miles in distance from each house we went to.

There's a lot of talk of a "relaxed" Christmas Day, with the implication being you'll all be tired and had your fill on the big Christmas Eve celebration. What if you don't want that? I don't want a toned down Christmas because we celebrated the day before. I want Christmas Day to be the main day.

I'd be happy for that day to be on the 24th if that is standard in Sweden, but I wouldn't want every single Christmas Day to be a toned down "relaxed" event because the main event was the day before with my in laws. Every other year, fine, but OP deserves to get to do some Christmas' that aren't with her husband's family.

Sorry OP I think missing out on the family celebrations on the 24th just to have it as a preparation day for your own celebrations on 25th is a bit unreasonable. For many of us that sort of juggle is just Christmas - and I struggle with it myself with young kids but I think its worthwhile. We host one side of the family on the 24th and don't usually get people cleared out until 8pm or so, then have to settle the kids and get everything ready for the next morning - planning is key, I usually have everything completely ready to be lifted from hiding and brought out so we can still get to bed at a reasonable time and enjoy the 25th.

I have put YABU. Because you have missed out a key point many wont realise.

Main Christmas in Sweden is the 24th in the evening. So what you are actually suggesting is to never again celebrate Christmas with your dhs family buy dressing it up as if the 23rd tradition means you DO celebrate Christmas with them.

I am Danish and we do both Danish and British Christmas and honestly I've never found it a hassle. I also always found doing half the presents on 24th and half on the 25th helped the kids to not get overwhelmed. Sometimes we had some on the 26th too if we went to SIL for boxing day.

Personally we chose to celebrate at home and only once went to DK for Danish Christmas. If that was your suggestion (to remain as your core family and celebrate both days your way) I'd be 100% behind you.

But you are suggesting your children should loose out on half of their heritage. I don't think thats ok.

100% find a way that celebrates both your heritages. However it's not Christmas on the 23rd for your dh its a family tradition.

We are from continental Europe too and do 24 and the 25 . Most Europe does celebrate the 24 th and it’s a family day and the most important so I don’t think it’s fair you suddenly expect your partner to forget his traditions , specially as hHe you can do both easily .
I don’t know why you can’t do both of I’m honest . We don’t believe Santa brings every present either so on the 24 th they open our gifts and family and friends and on the 25 th they open Santa’s gifts normally about 5 they asked for and the stocking .
We celebrate with dinner and a table if deserted on the 24 th and do Christmas lunch on the 25 th with British traditions . It’s great and we get to keep both traditions going

I would be willing to do that but DH just says that his whole family wouldn’t like that and would want to keep their tradition of doing a dinner on 24th.
So the while family wouldn't like it? Aw, so sad, to bad. It's time to start your own family traditions. It doesn't mean discarding either side of the family but finding away I incorporating the things you both want to fo and compromise.
It doesnt matter about ' the whole family"

we do the same as you . People don’t realise the 24 th is probably the most important family day for European families outside the U.K.

Just do Swedish Christmas on the 24th and Scottish Christmas on the 25th.

I don’t understand why this isn’t possible?

Yes, this! Your DH needs to understand that he doesn't get to dictate what YOUR family unit does 100% over xmas. It's a compromise isn't it. And as others have said, it would seem that your DH is happy to upset you but not his mum.

24th is the main day in Sweden - 25th is the main day in Britain. My understanding is she wants to trial a British Christmas with the 25th being the "main day" to open presents, but because his family do Christmas on the 24th the kids are too tired to do that as they are home late and have already celebrated "Christmas"... and the OP has no time to prepare for another Christmas on 25th...

I like spending Xmas day with just me, DH and any of my 3 kids. I go with DH 150 miles to visit my MiL who I love for a few days 2-3 in between Xmas and NY. I always go down to visit my sister's as parents both died now, the first Thursday in December and stay until the Saturday. I host on Boxing day and do a buffet for whoever wants to come. Some years it's 5 other years 14. I keep plenty of Xmas goodies in case any of my adult DC want to pop by on other days. Your DH needs to learn to share and compromise. Or he can go to his family on his own and you stay with your DC at home. Make him choose.

Then the better solution is to rest and prepare on 23rd rather than dropping one of the main days. Frankly, they live in Sweden close to his family, it would be bit crass to cancel their actual main day to keep only hers.

Both can be done.

We do both in our family - French Christmas in the afternoon/evening of the 24th (we spend the morning prepping the food for British Christmas on the 25th, and all presents are wrapped the week before so there is no mad panicking) and then British Christmas on the 25th.

We do French family presents on the 24th and Father Christmas brings a stocking for the morning of the 25th. There are usually a few more presents under the tree from my family on the 25th too, or they are brought by my family if we're hosting.

The later bedtime works for the children as they are not up at 5am desperate for presents because it is split between the two days. We also find that the whole experience is calmer split over the two days.

I do see that your DH is not compromising and that isn't very helpful, but equally I can't see why you can't do both?

Sounds like your children are very lucky that they can have 2 Christmases.
I’m from Europe and my British husband celebrates Christmas with me and our child on the 24th with food and presents. I also make a Christmas dinner on the 25th and we give presents too. We are not exactly celebrate the 24th how I would celebrate back home but I realised after so many years that you need to let go some traditions.
It’s going to be great for your children having so many Christmas and many presents. My child loves it!

Then the better solution is to rest and prepare on 23rd rather than dropping one of the main days. Frankly, they live in Sweden close to his family, it would be bit crass to cancel their actual main day to keep only hers.

No it wouldn't be, because it is pretty standard to only see one side of the family on the main day every other year rather than every single year. Why is the fact that this is on a different day confusing people so much on this issue?

If it's just the fact that they can still do both days, I think people are really overestimating how much the second day would still feel like a "main day" having done it all the day before. As someone with a step child, "second Christmas" does not end up feeling like actual Christmas. It feels like Boxing Day.

Exactly.

I’m really envious that you’re able to do 2 traditions and although I can imagine it’s a lot of travelling, I think it sounds fantastic and you get the best of both worlds.

I'm surprised how many go to their parents on the day, in my family once you have kids Xmas day is for the nuclear family at home so the kids can relax and play with their presents. Visits for parents are any time around like boxing day or a few days before.

Just because many people alternate doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do for everyone.

If OP wanted to go to Scotland to see her family then alternating would be sensible. She doesn’t.

She wants to not go to Swedish Christmas on the 24th every other year so she can peel potatoes and carrots.

Husband has to compromise

it’s one or those things that happens when you marry- a lot of families alternate between the two families at Christmas but it’s not unreasonable to want to do your own thing too.

that said. I think I would normally be happy to see ILs on 24th if it means we could just have 25th by ourselves.

otoh if you are hosting, then you do it on the day that suits you and DH NOT the ILs!!

And this is just another reason why I run a mile from anything associated with 'tradition'.

By its very definition, this means precedents, and precedents once set are difficult things to break. Nor do I tend to believe that those who kick up a fuss when their notion of tradition isn't adhered to, should be rewarded with that adherence.

Your husband is being wholly unreasonable. If my DH dug his heels this hard into the sand, he'd find he was visiting the in-laws alone every year, not just alternating ones.

YANBU.

I’ve put my foot down and insisted on Christmas dinner at 5 not 1. DS 23 sees his girlfriend from late morning until about 4 and I had a late afternoon dinner as a kid and it works well. PIL seem ok with it but I would have insisted on it anyway. 1pm is far too early for me.

My parents sorted this by falling into line with the customs of the country they were living in. This meant giving up their own traditional day and doing December 25th. I'd probably fall in line with Swedish customs, since that's where you are living.

The other approach is that you compromise and both take turns doing it your way alternate years. Or do both.

If you get home at 8pm Christmas Eve, how is that not enough time to prepare for Christmas Day? Just have things sorted in advance. I'm sure your children will appreciate growing up with cousins

She doesn't want to spend every single year with her demanding in-laws. This is not in any way unreasonable. Alternating in this respect would mean one year her husband gets the Christmas he wants, the next his wife gets the Christmas she wants.

This is a fair solution.