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Original poster

Husband wants every Christmas with his family?

178 replies

ChouxPastryHeart · 08/08/2023 08:35

Hi all :-)
This is my first time posting and I would really love some advice. It will be quite long so I can give proper context, so please bear with me!

DH and I have been together 10 years. He is Swedish, and I am Italian but grew up in Scotland with my mother and sister. We met in Scotland, but moved to Sweden in Oct 2019 to start a family. For the first 5 years of our relationship, we agreed that it was only fair to alternate Christmas between our two families, so one year we would stay in Scotland with my mum and sister and then the next we travelled to Sweden and spent it with his parents (his mum is now widowed but has new partner) maternal grandparents, BIL + his wife and kids.

In 2018, I became estranged from my mum and sister due to dysfunctional family dynamics, so we spent that Christmas just us as a couple in Scotland and till this day, we still say it was one of our favourite Christmases.

Since 2019, we have spent Christmas with his family. They have a tradition where they all meet up on the 23rd so that godparents of the BIL’s kids get candy and small gift. Then, there’s a Christmas dinner on 24th after which presents are opened.

Now we have two DD’s, 2.5 + 1 year old and for years, I’ve been saying to DH that once we have kids, I want us to start our own traditions. I think spending the 23rd and 24th with his extended family is too much. My ideal scenario would be to go see them the 23rd, stay at our home the 24th with just us and DD’s and do the whole build up to Christmas Day the British way so that kids open up presents on 25th instead of 24th. DH is opposed to this and says that we can still be with his family on 24th and be at home just us the 25th and create traditions for then. The thing is though, we’d get home at around 8pm to put DD’s to bed, knackered and frazzled, and we would have no time to prep for the next day like we would if we were at home the whole time. I think it’s unfair for him to expect us to always go to his family. He has had a good deal the last 4 years considering I have had no family to travel to Scotland for anymore. His ideal scenario now that his grandparents are too old to host, is that we take turns with us and BIL hosting the whole family every 24th. Am I being unreasonable to want to have the 24th to ourselves?

MIL is the type that always likes to get her way and has a tantrum when that’s not the case. She kicked up a fuss on Mother’s Day because I wanted to go out with a friend to have some me time instead of visiting her with DH and DD’s. 🙄

OP posts:
EmeraldDuck · 08/08/2023 22:54

That said, you’re stuck with 24th as the present day, because you live in Sweden and want your kids to grow up at home with the local tradition. But there is no need for MIL to always be there.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 09/08/2023 10:00

SuperiorM · 08/08/2023 22:11

Stick with 23-24 with his family and do your own thing 25-26 that way you can both be happy. If you are in Sweden the last thing your kids will want is presents on a totally different day to all kids in Sweden

I agree with you on sticking with the dates but having presents on a different day is totally fine if that's what the OP wants. My DS isn't bothered about getting presents on 25th as he knows that his friends are on Santa's Swedish list and he's on the British list.

Kitkatcatflap · 09/08/2023 10:50

I am British living in Sweden and I hear you loud and clear.

My late MIL was exactly the same, very demanding, strops and sulks. When SIL stopped coming up for Christmas - ADHD child, excitable dog and 7 hour car ride, it seemed mad for the four of us to go MIL's house when she could come to ours.

She refused for months, finally relented Christmas week and turned up on Christmas Eve with all the Christmas dishes, when we had already cooked, prepared everything. She said, 'You are not Swedish, you don't know how to do it properly'. I love cooking and DH is a enjoys cooking too.

We had planned to have a 'British' Christmas day which she refused to attend despite DH picking her up and dropping her off (she wouldn't sleep in our house) DH managed to talk me round saying there is so much food can we not do the British one on Boxing Day.

So Christmas morning the kids would have stockings, then there would be gifts from friends and a small British gifts - always a surprise. And the Swedish food would be out again for a late lunch but it was okay. I insisted on having Christmas crackers, which the kids love. For the first couple of years MIL refused but in her latter years she joined in even wearing a paper hat. And one year she actually ate a homemade mince pie.

She never came for Boxing day, only ever took home the food she had made but I am glad I stuck to my guns. Like someone up thread said, she has had her turn, got her memories. She was always welcome as a guest, even as a difficult one but it was her choice not to join in. It's your Christmas too.

Original poster
ChouxPastryHeart · 09/08/2023 12:20

Kitkatcatflap · 09/08/2023 10:50

I am British living in Sweden and I hear you loud and clear.

My late MIL was exactly the same, very demanding, strops and sulks. When SIL stopped coming up for Christmas - ADHD child, excitable dog and 7 hour car ride, it seemed mad for the four of us to go MIL's house when she could come to ours.

She refused for months, finally relented Christmas week and turned up on Christmas Eve with all the Christmas dishes, when we had already cooked, prepared everything. She said, 'You are not Swedish, you don't know how to do it properly'. I love cooking and DH is a enjoys cooking too.

We had planned to have a 'British' Christmas day which she refused to attend despite DH picking her up and dropping her off (she wouldn't sleep in our house) DH managed to talk me round saying there is so much food can we not do the British one on Boxing Day.

So Christmas morning the kids would have stockings, then there would be gifts from friends and a small British gifts - always a surprise. And the Swedish food would be out again for a late lunch but it was okay. I insisted on having Christmas crackers, which the kids love. For the first couple of years MIL refused but in her latter years she joined in even wearing a paper hat. And one year she actually ate a homemade mince pie.

She never came for Boxing day, only ever took home the food she had made but I am glad I stuck to my guns. Like someone up thread said, she has had her turn, got her memories. She was always welcome as a guest, even as a difficult one but it was her choice not to join in. It's your Christmas too.

Gosh that sounds so frustrating and downright rude @Kitkatcatflap , sorry you had to deal with that.

After reading everyone’s comments and having a proper think about it, I decided to offer my husband the following compromise:

23rd Dec: we stay home and the sweets/gifts from godparents are given on 24th instead.
24th Dec: we spend Christmas Eve with his family in the Swedish tradition, as long as we are able to take turns with the BIL to host every other year. Only fair that those of us with young kids get to host from now on so we each get a chance to celebrate at our home. So far it has been just the grandparents and MIL hosting. Also told DH that this year, he needs to push for his family to agree to have a slightly earlier dinner so that we don’t have to rush to get back home at a reasonable time for DD’s bedtime. I think that is fair. We will open presents from his family after dinner, but presents from us/Santa will be opened at ours on 25th morning.
25th Dec: we stay home just us and have a British style Christmas and relax and enjoy it.

We have also agreed that if there is ever a year where we feel like going to Scotland for Christmas or elsewhere, then we will do that even if it means not spending it with his family.

Like some posters mentioned, I think it will ultimately be lovely that our kids get to experience the traditions from both cultures, and I really want that for them. Plus, once I am fully fluent in the language, I will feel less awkward around DH’s family. I really enjoy his grandparent’s company and my SIL is nice to talk to as well. It’s just the MIL who I am totally incompatible with because she just constantly tries to stomp over my boundaries and she is not very empathetic. Thankfully, due to dysfunctions in my own family, I have been through lots of therapy which has taught me not to stand for that. DH is also pretty good at supporting me with this generally and realises what his mother is like, thank goodness.

My husband was happy with this compromise and I do feel like I have offered a pretty good one. He is happy, and if we get to host some years, then I’ll be happy, too. If MIL and grandparents don’t allow us or BIL to take turns hosting from now on, then I’ll be having none of it. In that case, I will be putting my foot down.

OP posts:
SerafinasGoose · 09/08/2023 12:25

So glad you've found a compromise you are happy with, OP.

I would not for the world have my child know my real feelings about Christmas, but all the conventional obligation that comes with it really turns me off.

I'm with the PP's DH upthread. If I could, I'd be getting on a flight somewhere hot every single year! Or, failing that, hibernate from mid-November until 1st January ...

Wishing you luck with your progress in the language. It's a tough one to learn and you should be proud of yourself - not self-flagellating because you haven't 'made an effort'. You clearly have.

And good for you in holding your boundaries with your difficult MiL. Your DH's support is essential here and I'm glad you have it.

ScribblingPixie · 09/08/2023 12:46

Perfect compromise, OP. Your kids are going to have amazing Christmases - you too, I hope.

fiftiesmum · 09/08/2023 13:12

I am with @SerafinasGoose on this subject. DH always had other things to do at Christmas more important than staying home with the children which now means they both go to their in-laws instead.

CamelSilk · 09/08/2023 13:39

That's great OP - I'm pleased you have found a good solution.

Batalax · 09/08/2023 16:19

That sounds fair. You can do all your things like fairy lit dens on the 23rd or 25th. Sounds a brilliant festive period for the kids.

PalomaPalomaPaloma · 09/08/2023 17:32

Batalax · 09/08/2023 16:19

That sounds fair. You can do all your things like fairy lit dens on the 23rd or 25th. Sounds a brilliant festive period for the kids.

I have never heard of fairy lit dens. Is that a new Christmas thing?

Tartareistasty · 09/08/2023 17:56

I think that's a very logical compromise

CantFindMyMarbles · 09/08/2023 18:18

We used to have this and I just wouldn’t tolerate it. It’s not fair to assume or expect just one family side would see them. SoX we agreed…Christmas Day is spent at home - people are free to visit. Christmas Eve, Boxing Day and other days around then are for family. Our family is our family and comes first.

AllyArty · 09/08/2023 18:57

Why don’t you alternate so that you choose this Christmas and he chooses next Christmas and so on. It doesn’t last for ever, children grow up, people pass away etc.

J7223j · 09/08/2023 19:23

Oh my I know the feeling my DH parents live very close by his other family live abroad. Every year i get talked into doing the xmas dinner and having them as great expense - never get an invite to their boxing day or anything, They come do presents eat then look for an excuse to eat. I get given kitchen for xmas from them that makes me feel like a fishwife. I really want a break from it this year the 20 and 17 year old will be able to have a drink with us and I want a relaxed easy xmas with them. MIL and FIL has DN staying with them soon too which would mean 1 more and its just assumed Ill do it. Very tempted to go off somewhere for 2 days but its expensive at xmas and the kids like to be at home. Determined this year to have a year off doing it especially as DH only has a couple of days off. Stand your ground - nobody ever says no to my MIL and the sooner you stand your ground the better.

Mumof2teens79 · 09/08/2023 19:29

YABU
Initially I thought you wanted to spend with your family and I could understand but you want to skip the 24th...which is the most important day in his culture/traditions and spend it just you. Why? You can do that anytime
And you still get 25th, which is the day you really want at home to make your own traditions.

I really don't think he's being unfair

Thefsm · 09/08/2023 22:32

I think you are being unreasonable. I say this as a Brit whose in laws are polish and Irish living in America. We spend every Xmas with them as Britain is too far away. We have managed to incorporate his family traditions and our own.

we go there on the 23rd, then 24th is big catholic polish feast in evening then church for midnight mass if MIL manages to persuade us to go. We open one or two gifts then go to bed, kids hang stockings. We fill them and go to sleep around 2am. Wake up at 8or 9am and do stockings then breakfast. Then main presents and I cook Xmas dinner - made sure to prep stuffing and bread sauce etc the night before.

it’s no big bother and allows all the customs to be continued and honestly we have all grown to enjoy the experience.

Lovely13 · 09/08/2023 23:41

Can’t believe there is an Xmas post in august! But, I’m known as the grinch. Anyway. I’m saying do Xmas every year in your own house, without any in-laws or extras. It’s a day when you can be where you want and with who you want to be with. Stay firm.
Remember those who have to work. And those who are alone, by the way. 🎅

Hivaluegirl · 10/08/2023 02:21

Your husband is your family and you are his. Why can't you go for new years or something I find him very unreasonable this would upset me

Kitkatcatflap · 10/08/2023 02:48

Well done OP - an excellent result, a compromise that you and your husband both agree on. It's easy to loose your voice when you live abroad and are faced with the 'that's how we've always done it' My children (teens now) still love their joint Christmas/Jul traditions. When the children were younger, it was good to break up the gifts/stocking over two days as it seemed less overwhelming.

God Jul

Rosebud21 · 10/08/2023 04:59

Brefugee · 08/08/2023 08:39

I would tell DH that i am not going to spend every Christmas with his family and his mother needs to adjust her expectations around you.

Then see what happens. If he doesn't accept it, he can spend every christmas with his mother, and every other christmas with his children and his mother while you do something else.

This 🎄🤶🦌

whatchagonnado · 10/08/2023 05:47

We always do it so that DH chooses the Xmas arrangements one year (and I go along with that), then I choose the Xmas arrangements the following year - whether that is with family or not. It's fair then. Could he compromise?

Christmas can get too complicated, then no-one enjoys it and you can end up trying to please everyone else, everyone gets stressed and things start to break down. Not good

Greenwitchhorse · 10/08/2023 06:37

We are in August. Christmas is just one day in a year.

Seriously OP there are bigger things to focus on/worry about in life...

I never understand why people get themselves worked up about things like that.

H007 · 10/08/2023 07:29

For me Christmas is about family, so if you don’t want to spend it with yours and don’t think he’s unreasonable wanting to spend it with his. As a child my favourite memories of Christmas involve the extended family. Plenty of other opportunities to spend time as a small family. But it is different for me as my family live very close. So I actually think it’s about compromise. So that the kids get the best Christmas for them.

Tartareistasty · 10/08/2023 07:34

Mid August is the perfect time to plan who and where!
My planning starts June if it inludes international move that year

Jeclop · 11/08/2023 18:10

I'm a little like you. Spanish background from my mother's side but raised in England.
My husband is French.
We spend every Christmas with his family in France (go for roughly a week) and celebrate the 6th of Jan with my mother here. The 6th is when children traditionally get presents in Spain - not sure if it's the same in Italy - but we didn't celebrate this when I was a child. It has become a new tradition to include both sides of the family.
I absolutely love it. I appreciate not everyone feels the same but I love my husbands family and feel it's great our children get to be part of both traditions.
They also have lots of cousins on that side and none on mine yet so they thoroughly enjoy it. I personally love a busy, lively Christmas with a house full of kids.

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