Husband wants every Christmas with his family?

[ChouxPastryHeart]

Hi all :-)
This is my first time posting and I would really love some advice. It will be quite long so I can give proper context, so please bear with me!

DH and I have been together 10 years. He is Swedish, and I am Italian but grew up in Scotland with my mother and sister. We met in Scotland, but moved to Sweden in Oct 2019 to start a family. For the first 5 years of our relationship, we agreed that it was only fair to alternate Christmas between our two families, so one year we would stay in Scotland with my mum and sister and then the next we travelled to Sweden and spent it with his parents (his mum is now widowed but has new partner) maternal grandparents, BIL + his wife and kids.

In 2018, I became estranged from my mum and sister due to dysfunctional family dynamics, so we spent that Christmas just us as a couple in Scotland and till this day, we still say it was one of our favourite Christmases.

Since 2019, we have spent Christmas with his family. They have a tradition where they all meet up on the 23rd so that godparents of the BIL’s kids get candy and small gift. Then, there’s a Christmas dinner on 24th after which presents are opened.

Now we have two DD’s, 2.5 + 1 year old and for years, I’ve been saying to DH that once we have kids, I want us to start our own traditions. I think spending the 23rd and 24th with his extended family is too much. My ideal scenario would be to go see them the 23rd, stay at our home the 24th with just us and DD’s and do the whole build up to Christmas Day the British way so that kids open up presents on 25th instead of 24th. DH is opposed to this and says that we can still be with his family on 24th and be at home just us the 25th and create traditions for then. The thing is though, we’d get home at around 8pm to put DD’s to bed, knackered and frazzled, and we would have no time to prep for the next day like we would if we were at home the whole time. I think it’s unfair for him to expect us to always go to his family. He has had a good deal the last 4 years considering I have had no family to travel to Scotland for anymore. His ideal scenario now that his grandparents are too old to host, is that we take turns with us and BIL hosting the whole family every 24th. Am I being unreasonable to want to have the 24th to ourselves?

MIL is the type that always likes to get her way and has a tantrum when that’s not the case. She kicked up a fuss on Mother’s Day because I wanted to go out with a friend to have some me time instead of visiting her with DH and DD’s. 🙄

By the way I'm British but we tend to do a big meal on 24th and 25th! Just greedy

Or they do both and both get the Christmas they want every year.

Try not to see this as a my way or his way situation. Try to see it as your opportunity to create some new practices for your uniquely culturally mixed family.

if you are raising the children in Sweden let them have the traditional Swedish Christmas every year. Otherwise they might feel left out when they start hearing about how their friends spend the 24th. And it's the culture you are raising them in - they need to feel part of it, not excluded from it every other year.

That then leaves you the 25th and the 26th to create your own mix of traditions and celebrations that will be special to your family. Cherry pick the things you love and discard the bits that are a bore or a burden to create your own version of Christmas.

Well, you agreed to go to Scotland every second year. You don’t have to spend it with your side of the family, you can spend it in Scotland with your DH and kids doing Scottish Xmas. That’s what he promised you!

Hmm it is tricky because what are you suggesting you do on the 24th? Nothing? Can't you just say you need to ve home by 5 on the 24th so that christmas day and boxing day you can do typical British traditions?

In our family we have a xmas with ILs before (or occasionally after) xmas because SIL has grown up kids and wants to host them so would never be able to be with PILs.

Would that be a solution - you pick say a weekend two weeks before xmas, make it an epic British xmas, then do Swedish xmas on the 24th.

I do think prioritising family is important at Christmas, if I was his family I'd be a bit offended if you preferred staying home to getting together.

Could you bring elements of British xmas into the Swedish one, or is that not allowed?

I really have sympathy for step families navigating Christmas, I'm sure it's a really difficult time of year. But I'm not sure this is the same thing - OP wouldn't be re-running Christmas day on 25th, it would be the only Christmas Day of the year celebrated by her family in the British tradition. Swedish Christmas celebrations on the 24th would have different food and traditions - it's not comparable to the duplication separated families have to work with

I'm sorry you are estranged from your mum and your sister. That must be really tough and I wonder if on some level you want your DH to acknowledge this, rather than insisting on playing happy families with his relatives every Christmas.

That said, as many have pointed out on here - a dual Christmas is actually really special for the kids, (if not you!) Presents on Christmas Eve and then a stocking to look forward to on Christmas morning. This is how I grew up in a German/UK family. I have the best memories of being with family - grandparents and cousins.

I'm not sure what you would be doing on the 24th to 'prep' for the next day - unless it is food prep? In which case wouldn't that be boring for the kids?

Plus, for those who celebrate Christmas on the 24th, Christmas Eve is super-magical. So you will be anticipating the excitement of the 25th as well. How lovely to have three days to celebrate rather than cram it all in to one day. (You could reframe it like that in your mind!)

(But yes, I can see how you would want to carve out some kind of tradition yourself if you don't have the option of sharing with your extended family as your DH does).

And also - Christmas lasts 12 days if you do it right - so you have until 6 Jan to do the British thing. Plus you could save a lot of money on a British Christmas if you get everything in the sales ;)

I really have sympathy for step families navigating Christmas, I'm sure it's a really difficult time of year. But I'm not sure this is the same thing - OP wouldn't be re-running Christmas day on 25th, it would be the only Christmas Day of the year celebrated by her family in the British tradition. Swedish Christmas celebrations on the 24th would have different food and traditions - it's not comparable to the duplication separated families have to work with

Yes I see what you mean. It is better that the traditions are not the same. However, I still disagree with the whole premise that it's somehow unacceptable for them to not see his side of the family on their "main day". That is standard for most families - so if OP is finding it negatively impacts her experience for whatever reason, stressful prep, tired, unbothered kids on actual Christmas Day etc, then it's a totally reasonable thing to expect compromise on. They could do his big family 24th every other year and see them on Boxing Day the other year, like most families do.

I think you need to look at the wider context where you live for the sake of your DC. If they know that all his friends and extended family are celebrating Christmas Eve the Swedish way, it feels a bit cruel to deny them that for the sake or preparing the vegs for next day and having an early night.

OP, your plan for 23/24/25 sounds great to me. Perhaps a bit tiring. The mother makes the rules... and now, that's you, not MIL. She's a grandma, so peripheral. I speak as a grandma.

Yes this

You are looking at this in a zero-sum way, where it has to be one or the other, but actually your DC are incredibly lucky to be able to celebrate Christmas twice!

How lovely to grow up having Swedish Christmas with the big family and then Scottish Christmas at home

I think as you live in Sweden it's a good idea to embrace it. I'm an expat myself so I get it's hard sometimes but it's best for the kids.

I agree. I am Swedish and grew up with massive family celebrations on the 24th. It made my childhood so special and fun. I would have hated if my parents wanted Christmas eve to be just us at home preparing for Christmas Day, which in Sweden is just like your boxing day. If there is ever a time to spend time with people, it's at Christmas in my opinion. It way be a bit chaotic but it's part of being a part of something bigger than just the core family.

The last few years we have kind of done this. We would arrive at around 3pm/4pm after our kids had their afternoon nap, and then leave at 19:30 so that we could get home for bedtime. The drive is 50mins away. Since we could only stay 3hrs, it felt so rushed. His family did not offer to alter the time a bit due to us having small children. Dinner was at 5pm, and present opening didn’t start until 7pm so we were late leaving last year with tired screaming children on drive home in the car.

I don’t expect the world to revolve around us and our children, but I do find it hurtful that they don’t consider the timings for us. DH’s nephews are 10 and 13 so sticking to their routines isn’t as critical as a baby and toddler’s.

I am half Swedish. Since we were tiny we’ve always had a Swedish celebration on the 24th and then English Christmas on the 25th and I love it. It feels so special being able to celebrate both parts of my heritage. My husband now celebrates it too with my family and he loves it.

How far away from them do you live?

The last few years we have kind of done this. We would arrive at around 3pm/4pm after our kids had their afternoon nap, and then leave at 19:30 so that we could get home for bedtime. The drive is 50mins away. Since we could only stay 3hrs, it felt so rushed. His family did not offer to alter the time a bit due to us having small children. Dinner was at 5pm, and present opening didn’t start until 7pm so we were late leaving last year with tired screaming children on drive home in the car.

I don’t expect the world to revolve around us and our children, but I do find it hurtful that they don’t consider the timings for us. DH’s nephews are 10 and 13 so sticking to their routines isn’t as critical as a baby and toddler’s.

In your place I would combine both.

Prep Christmas dinner in advance, almost everything can be done and frozen.

Enjoy the Swedish festivities on the 23rd/24th with just dhs family presents. I would have the children in bed for 7.30pm. Feeding the reindeers and Christmas story.

25th I would do the full Christmas thing. Stockings and main presents and a big breakfast. A late Christmas dinner at 5pm so you are not rushed. Family can come if they want or enjoy the day just the four of you.

I am not sure this is about Christmas though, there is something in your post that makes me think you are sad to lose your roots, bearings, family and this is even harder to bear at Christmas? That being around his family only reminds you of yours at Christmas.

"do the whole build up to Christmas Day the British way"

Thing is you have chosen to bring up your kids in Sweden.
Your kids are going to be Swedish.
They will be immersed in Swedish cultures, their school will be Swedish, their friends will all be doing things the Swedish way.
That means their main Christmas will be on the 24th.
Regardless of when you try to enforce the British Christmas.

I think she should host if she wants to host but I think Christmas is a time for kids / extended family so given she doesn’t have one if I were DH I’d expect to spend it with his.

If they are absolutely frightful that’s different.

I thought it would have been a couple hours away at least.

50mins is nothing.

Are you never able to go out anywhere for the full day because of your DDs naps?

My DD never napped unfortunately but I’ve never heard of anyone not being able to leave the house for a full day because of naps.
Can they not just nap there or in the car?

I do really like this suggestion. :-)

I think this is actually two different problems that are only hard to find a solution to because you've conflated them into one.

The Christmas thing is a no brainer. You celebrate it on a different day from the Swedish side of the family, so just have two separate Christmases. Your kids are lucky to be growing up with two different cultural backgrounds, and lucky to have an extended family that they can grow up feeling a part of as well as being part of a close-knit nuclear family with you and DH. Because of your estrangement from your own family, you don't have the exhausting travel arrangements that having two extended families would create. Do the Swedish Christmas their way on 23/24, and then create your own traditions for 25/26. Win win.

But to me the real problem is your MIL's attitude generally. Controlling ILs who throw tantrums when they don't get their way are such a widespread problem, and so many DHs (and it usually is DHs not DWs) seem to be so wet about asserting boundaries with them. I'm guessing that after she was widowed, MIL leant on her sons and is now used to calling the shots in their lives in a way that isn't OK now they're married with families of their own.

I think it's a mistake to make Christmas the turf on which you fight this battle, partly because it's a shame for your children for Christmas to cause a big family rift, but also because by making this one concession that's clearly very important to everyone else, you can create some leverage for yourself to stand up to MIL on other issues - and remind your DH that you did compromise over something very important to you, so you expect some back-up with MIL in other ways on other occasions.

If your own family ever come back into the picture, it would change things of course, and your DH would need to accept that.

OP you’re more or less saying that your DC will have to miss the local Christmas celebration because it interferes with their naps.

That means their main Christmas will be on the 24th.
Regardless of when you try to enforce the British Christmas.

All the more reason for her to not have to spend every single 24th with his family, surely??