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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Give nanny a kiss goodbye"

406 replies

coverp · 07/08/2023 23:40

Looking for impartial views on whether I am letting my generally strained relationship with MIL impact my response.

Whenever MIL sees the kids (aged 4 and 2), she tries to insist on big kisses and cuddles to say hello and goodbye. Sometimes they are cuddly kids and other times they are not - they interact with her well. I've always said "do you fancy a hug, high five or a wave?" And let them choose.

Today, MIL tried to insist on kisses - "why don't you want to kiss nanny, you're making nanny feel so sad, nanny is going to think you don't love her if you don't kiss her". To which I said "Enough". 2yo then said "how about a wave" and waved and blew a kiss. Which I thought was adorable.

Anyway, MIL has just texted saying "Hi, you really hurt me earlier. Its not too much to ask for the kids to cuddle their grandmother, your approach is ridiculous and they'll end up being rude brats".

I haven't replied, but am spitting. I know she'll have been drinking so definitely won't be engaging tonight. But sense check - AIBU to say they can choose to interact with her on their own terms?!

OP posts:
Original poster
coverp · 08/08/2023 16:40

@LookItsMeAgain No I haven't - DH is away with work until tomorrow so I thought I might bring him in the loop before escalating or de-escalating

OP posts:
DOBARDAN · 08/08/2023 16:42

I had this forced upon me as a child, with relatives who I loved, but all the same didn't want to kiss, especially the men with their stubbly faces, it hurt! To make a child feel bad because a refusal to kiss makes someone feel sad is...not the ideal message to be giving children. Her message to you should go unanswered and if you do see her again, your original stance still stands.

Peony654 · 08/08/2023 16:43

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/08/2023 23:42

I’m with you. Now is the time to teach them bodily autonomy. Being polite does not require physical affection.

This. You are totally right. It’s the children’s decision if they want any physical contact

LookItsMeAgain · 08/08/2023 16:43

coverp · 08/08/2023 16:40

@LookItsMeAgain No I haven't - DH is away with work until tomorrow so I thought I might bring him in the loop before escalating or de-escalating

Good idea!

Best of luck with whatever route to take going forwards.

SyncopatedRhythm · 08/08/2023 16:48

BinkyBeaufort · 08/08/2023 12:40

I'm a grandmother with a 4-year old dgs.

He doesn't like being touched, but his parents used to try to insist that he gave me a hug goodbye. My response was that it's up to him and he shouldn't have to feel pressure to do something he's uncomfortable with.

Yesterday when I arrived at their house he came running over and gave me a big hug, completely unprompted, and same again when I said it was time for me to go. It was such a beautiful and special moment, all the more so for being entirely his choice.

Exactly what my DM has always said about totally instinctive hugs and kisses instigated by her Granddaughters/any visiting children.

Far more meaningful in every way and both parties equally happy!

RhymesWithTangerine · 08/08/2023 16:58

OP, the messages from MIL are baaaad. Totally not OK.

I hate ‘MIL is manipulative’ threads but this time I am with you. ‘We won’t be friends if…’ - she should just love her DGC unconditionally, surely.

And demanding you respond is just embarrassing overreach.

jellybe · 08/08/2023 17:20

Your MIL need to cut that shit out asap. Make it clear to her that if she try's and emotional blackmail your kids in to unwanted physical contact again then she won't be seeing them for a long time. You are totally doing the right think letting the kids set their boundaries. If she can't see that than screw her.

SherbetDips · 08/08/2023 17:34

My friends mother in law died two weeks ago, her little one will never have a hug or kiss from her granny again.

I’m 100% in agreement about not forcing kids or hug and kiss adults etc

but this is their Grandmother and it’s a special relationship they only have for so long.

SherbetDips · 08/08/2023 17:34

*to

Igowalkininmasleep · 08/08/2023 17:38

SherbetDips · 08/08/2023 17:34

My friends mother in law died two weeks ago, her little one will never have a hug or kiss from her granny again.

I’m 100% in agreement about not forcing kids or hug and kiss adults etc

but this is their Grandmother and it’s a special relationship they only have for so long.

And that is how CSA happens

It's only....

But they're family....

You're asking a child to go against their instincts and giving an adult autonomy over their body. This is NOT ok. If a child is told an adult can touch them and they're not allowed to verbalise discomfort think of what else can be internalised and not discussed.

Empowering your child to say no to a grown up is important. Empowering your child to recognise and listen to their instincts is important.

So no. I will not be forcing my children to give grandma a kiss just in case she dies tomorrow.

CoteDOpale · 08/08/2023 17:40

YANBU. You’re teaching them healthy boundaries and allowing them their bodily autonomy. MIL can F off.

Ask her what message she’s setting, telling them they owe someone physical contact to represent ‘love’.

Words · 08/08/2023 17:41

I thought this would be about Jacob Rees-Mogg.

bakewellbride · 08/08/2023 17:45

I had a relative exactly like this. It was bad, absolutely awful. Many years of no contact, it's bliss. She doesn't even know my second child exists!

GoldDuster · 08/08/2023 17:46

SherbetDips · 08/08/2023 17:34

My friends mother in law died two weeks ago, her little one will never have a hug or kiss from her granny again.

I’m 100% in agreement about not forcing kids or hug and kiss adults etc

but this is their Grandmother and it’s a special relationship they only have for so long.

All grandmothers are going to die. It doesn't mean that they get to manipulate the family around them, most of all the children, using emotional blackmail in order to get what they want regardless of the wishes of the other parties. She's doing nothing but shooting herself in the foot with her behaviour.

Who wants a hug and a kiss they've had to extract from a child by telling them you won't be their friend if they don't, anyway?

Maaate · 08/08/2023 17:46

SherbetDips · 08/08/2023 17:34

My friends mother in law died two weeks ago, her little one will never have a hug or kiss from her granny again.

I’m 100% in agreement about not forcing kids or hug and kiss adults etc

but this is their Grandmother and it’s a special relationship they only have for so long.

Manipulative much?

nokidshere · 08/08/2023 17:48

I've always found that if children aren't put under pressure to do something they are more likely to do it.

My boys would never kiss/hug my mum. She was always on at them for something, "give me a hug, give me a kiss, show me your toy etc" all the time. MIL. On the other hand never asked and always engaged positively with what they did want to do with her, they loved her and always kissed/hugged her without having to be asked.

pigsDOfly · 08/08/2023 17:59

I had a bit of a falling out with my, then, brother in law over one of my DDs not wanting to kiss her grandmother, his mother, goodbye.

He refused to kiss my DD goodbye, which she wanted to do, unless she kissed her grandmother goodbye as well.

I told him he was being unkind and wrong to withdraw his affection from my DD because she wouldn't be forced to kiss someone she didn't want to kiss.

DD stuck to her guns and left not kissing either of them.

She was only about 3 at the time.

Can't stand this idea that adults have the right to demand kisses and hugs from children. It sends such an unhealthy message to small children.

Your MIL needs to be told, in not certain terms, that you will not have your children forced by emotional blackmail into kissing and hugging anyone.

pigsDOfly · 08/08/2023 18:01

*no uncertain terms, that should be

pigsDOfly · 08/08/2023 18:06

SherbetDips · 08/08/2023 17:34

My friends mother in law died two weeks ago, her little one will never have a hug or kiss from her granny again.

I’m 100% in agreement about not forcing kids or hug and kiss adults etc

but this is their Grandmother and it’s a special relationship they only have for so long.

The fact that people might die soon doesn't give them carte blanche to force children to hug and kiss them, regardless of the relationship and how short that relationship might be.

SplendidUtterly · 08/08/2023 18:09

This brings back memories of my childhood :[

"Unless you kiss nana, there won't be any Christmas presents for you."

"You don't love nana anymore, do you?" (me refusing to kiss)

"Give granny a cuddle, she will soon be dead and gone" (WTF)

"I don't have foot and mouth" (after refusing to kiss)

"go give gramps a big kiss goodbye" (him sitting there smelling of extra strong mints and cigarettes)

FUCK OFF granny!

BadgerFace · 08/08/2023 18:09

I’m with you OP, I have two DDs and have always given them the choice whether to hug or not with relatives, and I always ask my nieces as I do not want them to feel they have to hug or kiss if they are not comfortable to do so. I apply the same rule to myself and my husband with our DDs. Their bodies, their choice!

nosmallfeet · 08/08/2023 18:10

Forcing small kids to kiss adults really annoys me, firstly not all adults want a kiss and not all kids want to kiss every grandparent, auntie or uncle! Parents often insist on it saying give your auntie a kiss and I always say how about a fist bump or hug especially if the kids looks like they don't want to do it.

phoenixrosehere · 08/08/2023 18:23

SherbetDips · 08/08/2023 17:34

My friends mother in law died two weeks ago, her little one will never have a hug or kiss from her granny again.

I’m 100% in agreement about not forcing kids or hug and kiss adults etc

but this is their Grandmother and it’s a special relationship they only have for so long.

Way to say f-k a child’s consent because family’s feelings trumps their bodily autonomy.

Where does it end? What age are we allowed bodily autonomy?

We preach consent but it only seems to be allowed once you hit some magical unsaid age to some and babies and children don’t meet that requirement. We have to allow strangers to touch babies because strangers are just being “social”, we can’t speak up for our babies and children and should force them to hug, kiss family members because it may hurt their feelings despite it being well-known knowledge that such behaviour can and does lead to children being assaulted by family members for years because they were always made to do such things and if they didn’t they were “bad”, not behaving, being disobedient, etc...

Justwingingit2005 · 08/08/2023 18:25

I say to mine say goodbye to Grandma and Grandad. This gives my kids a choice. One always cuddles, the other two say bye and high five or a funny handshake.

slithytoveisascientist · 08/08/2023 18:30

I feel so strongly about this

Not just because of risk of abuse as a child

But as a teenage girl I don't want my daughter to think love = physical affection, and guaranteed some horny boy will use the line "if you loved me you would.."

As a teenage boy I don't want my son to think love = physical affection, or use that line.

As a woman I want her to know she can advocate for herself.

I want them both to know that no means no and stop means stop.

At the moment, that might mean stop tickling or stop pushing the swing. One day it might mean stop penetration. And it has to be adhered to.

This starts early and they HAVE to know that no matter who or what is involved, they call the shots with their bodies.

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