Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Give nanny a kiss goodbye"

406 replies

coverp · 07/08/2023 23:40

Looking for impartial views on whether I am letting my generally strained relationship with MIL impact my response.

Whenever MIL sees the kids (aged 4 and 2), she tries to insist on big kisses and cuddles to say hello and goodbye. Sometimes they are cuddly kids and other times they are not - they interact with her well. I've always said "do you fancy a hug, high five or a wave?" And let them choose.

Today, MIL tried to insist on kisses - "why don't you want to kiss nanny, you're making nanny feel so sad, nanny is going to think you don't love her if you don't kiss her". To which I said "Enough". 2yo then said "how about a wave" and waved and blew a kiss. Which I thought was adorable.

Anyway, MIL has just texted saying "Hi, you really hurt me earlier. Its not too much to ask for the kids to cuddle their grandmother, your approach is ridiculous and they'll end up being rude brats".

I haven't replied, but am spitting. I know she'll have been drinking so definitely won't be engaging tonight. But sense check - AIBU to say they can choose to interact with her on their own terms?!

OP posts:
TarquinOliverNimrod · 09/08/2023 18:31

how dare your MiL tell you how to parent. Makes me so cross when older generations think they know best. The only bratty behaviour was her own.

fedupwithcookingfromscratch · 09/08/2023 18:35

Your 2 year old has better boundaries than your MIL. YANBU

Whatyoutalkingabouteh · 09/08/2023 18:37

Kids shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable and the fact they feel comfortable enough to say no or how about a wave is good! She’s being ridiculous

Sennelier1 · 09/08/2023 18:39

My husband and I have decided years ago that no child under our watch will ever be forced to kiss or hug a person/being kissed or hugged if they don't want to. I'm in Belgium, my children were todlers in the Dutroux times. You know, the one who abducted and killed little girls and is still in jail? We all instructed our children not to go with strangers, to not let anyone touch them or even talk to them. We all tought our children to protect their own space. We told them they had the right to say NO to an adult. And then [you] (not meant personally here!) would force a child to kiss or hug a person against their own feelings? If a child doesn't want a cuddle that means it feels "off" to have that physical contact at that exact moment - maybe your children sense that MIL had a drink? No YANBU, your children decide who and when to kiss or hug, not your MIL.

neverhadanymarblestolose · 09/08/2023 18:41

My in-laws tried using emotional blackmail too for hugs and kisses when my children were very young, but I stood my ground every time they tried it and they soon stopped. It's so important to teach children about boundaries and that they get to choose how and who they have physical contact with.

Spain1980 · 09/08/2023 18:42

YANBU- but your MIL is. She should be proud that her grandchildren are being brought up to be so confident and assertive about their personal boundaries. Well done you and your partner.

I don’t think MIL was wrong to ask - that’s actually the right thing to do so children know it’s their choice. But if you’re not going to graciously accept the answer there’s a danger of undoing all the good you have done with DC. How insecure she must be.

i always ask for any form of contact with my DGD (2yrs) - kiss, cuddle, sit on knee for story etc. Mostly I don’t even ask, but take her parents lead “do want to say goodbye to grandma”. Sometimes she leans in for a kiss others she waves - and sometimes just a blunt ‘No’ 🤣

You are right not to speak to her tonight. In fact I would not do this by text at all. Face to face would be both kinder and prevent any misunderstanding

BorgQueen · 09/08/2023 18:45

If my 4 year old Grandson doesn’t want a cuddle or kiss goodbye, I just say ok and leave, half the time he’ll run after me for a cuddle, if he’s busy then he doesn’t. Children should decide who touches them and when, not needy Grandparents.

Elvis1956 · 09/08/2023 18:46

I'm one of the people on here without kids....But remember having younger cousins who did the rounds of "kiss Nanny goodbye,kiss grandad, kiss elvis" ....being 13 and kissing a snotty nosed 3 year old was definitely not enjoyable.
Also remember having a family friend's daughter who was about 6 and thought the 22 year old me was her dream man (thankfully she grew up and realised that I definitely not!) But her parents made her kiss me goodbye.

Both make me cringe and feel very uneasy even now 30+ years later

Bonusbaby10yeargap · 09/08/2023 18:50

Hi five or wave is still acknowledging the grandmother's need for a hello or goodbye interaction. My kids are now 10 and 12 and I never made them kiss or cuddle relatives a high five is plenty. Of course sometimes they did give the a kiss and cuddle but on their terms! Welldone for putting your children's needs before others x

Justontherightsideofnormal · 09/08/2023 18:51

I cannot bear children being made to kiss/cuddle people, relations or not. My two DS are now adults and from the moment I had them I ensured that they were not made/talked into giving kisses to anyone without their consent. Boils my piss this whole kissing children thing 😬 if you MIL is upset by this it's her problem not yours or your children's. Don't feel bad or even give it a second thought.

JLou08 · 09/08/2023 18:52

You are right 100%. I would never force my children to kiss or hug anyone. It's even worse that she said things like your making me sad and don't love me. I am in no way saying she is abusive but these are the lines abusive people use. You are right to stand up for your children and teach them that is not okay, it may even prevent them from being abused in the future as they are learning this is not okay and you don't need to do something your uncomfortable with to make someone happy or show your love.

katseyes7 · 09/08/2023 18:53

I'd be inclined to ask her to explain how she'd feel if one of her darling grandchildren ended up being abused because she normalised them being forced to hug and kiss people they didn't want to when they were tiny....

Mumlifeofboys · 09/08/2023 18:53

Definitely not being unreasonable!

Put it to her like this the girls are now grown up let’s say about 15 and her boyfriend says come on give me a kiss your making me sad not giving me a kiss you must give me a kiss, should they kiss him??

It’s the same situation, they need to learn they are allowed to say no to stuff like that. The approach of letting them decide to blow a kiss or wave is a good idea!

I would chat to your other half first then reply in person though as messages get read wrong very easily!

let us know how it goes! Xx

Clarich007 · 09/08/2023 18:55

I'm naturally a hugger. My. Mum and sister were /are, so I find it difficult not to. However since Covid it's been much easier as I'm out of the habit.
What we do now to nieces great nieces etc, is blow a kiss. I find little kids like this.

Gilld69 · 09/08/2023 19:01

as a nan who adores the grandkids I could kiss them all day long but they have the right to choose whatever their age and if they want a high five or to blank me totally then that's up to them , not anyone's right to make you feel bad , so don't let her reaction bother you, your giving your kids the right to choose xxx

Blueblell · 09/08/2023 19:05

I think she sounds manipulative in your other responses and you should explain to your DC that they don’t have to kiss nanny if they don’t want to. We always used to kiss our Nan goodbye and yes it was expected and it is a generational thing. People are more aware of boundaries these days and that is important. I think unfortunately it is necessary to teach kids that they don’t have to let people touch them to be polite. but I am torn on this as I also think it is nice for my kids to give Nan a kiss goodbye.

My late teens always kiss my mum goodbye and I think that is a nice thing for them and they do it voluntarily and don’t see her so often these days. However yes I probably instilled that in them as I also give my mum a kiss goodbye and some may say it is therefore not really voluntary. My sister who has young children and is quite a bit younger than me (15 yrs) doesn’t insist her kids kiss anyone goodbye and sometimes they do sometimes they don’t, but either way it is they who instigate it. I think that is the right way.

I think given she is slightly manipulative you need to innoculate your children against the manipulation. Tell them we love nanny and she is a lovely person but nanny is from a different generation and has different ideas about things than me and dad.

Jonniecomelately · 09/08/2023 19:05

Would you be OK with them never giving you a cuddle? She's their grandmother, not a random adult.

Waynettaaa · 09/08/2023 19:06

My DGS's are 4 & 3 and I always ask if I "please may have a kiss" and 99.99% of the time, they oblige. I wouldn't force it if they said no.

I also have a 9 month old DGD and I've never given her a kiss, as her mum (DS's gf) doesn't want anyone kissing her, which is fair enough.

Your MIL needs to learn boundaries.

wlana · 09/08/2023 19:06

Send her a link to this thread.

Keeper11 · 09/08/2023 19:14

A lot of responses here are a tad aggressive, and nothing will be gained by alienating your MIL. BUT she must understand your rules. When you have calmed down say or text something like “The kids didn’t want a cuddle today, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you. BUT we are trying to teach them that if they don’t want a cuddle, they shouldn’t be forced into it. I don’t think this will turn them into “rude brats” rather this will turn them into strong independent individuals who can judge for themselves who to cuddle and kiss. It’s a two way thing after all. Please help us with this and accept a high five or a blown kiss from time to time “

Sabrinasummersamples · 09/08/2023 19:15

Well actually I don't think it's ok for a child to completely blank someone. That's rude. But they definitely don't have to touch or be touched. I'd tell them they were being rude if they didn't at least say bye or wave or something though

Jewnicorn · 09/08/2023 19:16

You did the right thing sticking up for your children. MIL is being ridiculous and manipulative.

Last time my mother stayed I walked in on her telling my eight year old she needed to be a good girl and give lots of kisses and cuddles because she (my mother) ‘might be dead soon.’ (She is in her 60s, active and in good health ffs 🙄). Thankfully my daughter is secure enough that she laughed and assumed it was a joke but I was livid.

MsRosley · 09/08/2023 19:16

SherbetDips · 08/08/2023 17:34

My friends mother in law died two weeks ago, her little one will never have a hug or kiss from her granny again.

I’m 100% in agreement about not forcing kids or hug and kiss adults etc

but this is their Grandmother and it’s a special relationship they only have for so long.

You honestly sound a bit unhinged.

Newmindset2022 · 09/08/2023 19:21

I feel that you did the right thing 100% - children have to know it’s ok to say no. It’s their body and they and only they say who they allow to touch them..

Julimia · 09/08/2023 19:21

Its not about what she wants irs about how the children want to respond. They dont have to be demonstrative and fussy and all that high profile stuff. She needs to get a grip. Oh, I am a MIL of 19years.
.