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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I made DP's friend cry.

550 replies

Hugerag · 07/08/2023 21:26

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 08/08/2023 03:34

Handmade favours - wtf

It's a birthday party not a wedding

Why do a girly party and invite gfs of partners friends

Invite your own friends

Or

Invite everyone - men and women

More May turn up

Do uou had a party where you didn't invite your partner

Weird tbh

These people aren't your friends

BadNomad · 08/08/2023 03:40

You're not wrong to be annoyed. But if your end goal is to become integrated into the group, you've gone and shot yourself in the foot. It will have caused drama and tension like your BF said. For him too, not just yourself.

SomewhereWithSomeone · 08/08/2023 04:10

You need to tell your partner to grow up and stfu. You have your own friends, you will see his friends partners at social things as they happen. You may get closer to them in time, you may not. (I’m guessing not 😅) No need to force anything though and they don’t sound like they’re fussed either. It sounds like they’re possibly in their own little clique and don’t want to let anyone else in. If that’s the case your partner needs to realise it’s them who are the problem not you. You’ve tried, now he needs to accept you have a life without his friends partners. Does he make an effort to know your friends partners? I bet he doesn’t as it sounds like it all about his group. Fuck that!

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 08/08/2023 05:14

Doesn't matter if she's not their friend. If I've agreed to go to an organised event I wouldn't accept another invite, goes doubly if money had been paid already. It's at best rude CF territory, more likely verging on plain nasty. People rarely react well when they know they've wronged you and you point it out to them. She wanted you to smile, say it's fine and brush it under the carpet so she could convince herself she has a clean conscience. Now she's likely decided you're unreasonable and over reacting so she doesn't have to feel guilty anyway.

PuddlesPityParty · 08/08/2023 05:21

I don’t really know why you invited them in the first place but why don’t you tell your DP that you’re equally upset about their behaviour - just because one cried doesn’t mean they’re innocent.

marcopront · 08/08/2023 05:37

saveforthat · 07/08/2023 21:47

Not the point of the thread but how is giving your age outing yourself? and pp usually say "think xxx" when they giving a similar example. None of that made sense. To answer your question, I think people who accept an invitation then back out (apart from real emergencies) are ill mannered but you were (a bit) unreasonable to ask people you don't really know.

For the age to be outing the rest of the story must be assumed to be common.

THisbackwithavengeance · 08/08/2023 05:48

Hivaluegirl · 07/08/2023 21:38

She's a cry baby so what you said your opinion.

This.

She was called out on bad behaviour to drop out at the last minute. Different if she had dropped out before any food was ordered or monies exchanged. In her defence, she did apologise so hopefully you could've both moved on from that. That saying, I probably wouldn't have said anything to her as I'm generally non confrontational but I applaud the fact that you did!

Do women really go home and cry because someone said something "mean" to them? Sounds like crocodile tears to me.

Tell your DP that you cried as well because his friends are so shit and flaky and you wasted money and effort on them.

And make no further effort. You tried!

ImustLearn2Cook · 08/08/2023 05:59

I think the one person who made the effort to apologise is the last person who deserved being berated.

I think the fact that she apologised to you in person means that she knew it was wrong and felt bad about it. I think that you should have accepted her apology and left it at that.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 08/08/2023 06:10

Hugerag · 07/08/2023 21:37

It's less about pushing for friendship. It's about the fact that several had put in orders for food and drinks, as well as participating in other aspects of the planning, which resulted in me not only spending time and effort, but money. To then all drop out after that, I find it really rude and it's not something I would do.

That is rude and it sounds like bullying behaviour.

good on you for standing up to them. Your DP should support you instead of blaming you.

These women are clearly not your friends. I think you should take a step back from HIS friendship circle and concentrate on your friends / maintaining your friendships.

OlympicProcrastinator · 08/08/2023 06:13

They acted appallingly and were rude and self centred. Well done you for saying something.

So many people on this thread saying they don’t owe you. Well actually, at the point of accepting the invitation they do. Nobody forced them to accept but they did. Then they let you plan, spend money and fucked you off when a better offer came along. And someone got both barrels when they approached you. And now they’re crying. Well boo hoo.

The only thing id say to you OP is that your partner should be backing you up and you need to stop trying to be friends with these awful people. That ship has sailed.

Backstreets · 08/08/2023 06:18

Chalk it up to experience. You’ll never be accepted by this group. Stop trying. Sod them.

Fruitynutcase · 08/08/2023 06:21

They have shown you who they are and what they are like . Don't bother with them at all . And your partners sounds like a wimp . He should be supporting you .

Fraaahnces · 08/08/2023 06:23

You have two problems…

  1. DP pressuring you to invite people who have made no effort to include you.
  2. The bitchy “friend” fake crying to be manipulative. Did you see her crying? No. She’s playing the victim despite being rude from the outset.
Ridemeginger · 08/08/2023 06:23

powershowerforanhour · 08/08/2023 00:01

"If I had let it go I would be the mug and they’d continue to treat me like that. If I said something I would be sensitive and unreasonable & if I ghosted them they have ‘no idea’ what they have done 🙄"

This poster hits the nail on the head. There was no good way this could have ended but I think the action you took has likely ended in the least-worst outcome for you.
If you'd smiled and said "oh don't worry it's fiiine Flakey Crybaby, was the concert amazing,I looove that band" and not mentioned the money and the let down, then she'd have gone off smiling, none of the others would have said a word, your husband would have been relieved that you doormatted yourself and you would have been expected to continue to trail along to all the events, smiling and being inoffensive wallpaper and being bored to tears while whichever one of them drew the short straw makes some obvious token 3 minute conversation with you before scampering off back to her friends and making plans for coffee and the Barbie film but forgetting to invite you, again. They'd feel fine. DH and his friends would feel fine, letting themselves believe that you were all happy girlie besties. You'd feel shit, and be wasting time better spent with your actual friends.

If you said a tightlipped "apology accepted" changed the subject briefly then walked off, reduced your attendance at the events and stopped making any special effort beyond being polite, they'd think "oh yeah that's DH's weird wife. Bit up herself isn't she? Dunno what her problem with us is. No wonder she's standing on her own again" . They and their husbands would feel fine. Your DH would be mildly uncomfortable and keep wanting you to make an effort and jolly you a long. You'd still feel shit and isolated.

As it is, they'll temporarily feel a tiny bit shit individually (diddums), collectively they're reassure themselves that you're the villain (who the fuck cares) , their husbands probably won't notice or care, apart Mr Crybaby Potstirrer (fuck him) and your husband will be temporarily a little bit mortified that you aren't playing all nice but he'll get used to it. Meanwhile you can turn up to whatever minimum number of events you can be bothered with (preferably ones where you can leave early, independently of your husband, making whatever bullshit excuse comes into your head guilt-free) , stop trying to be friends with people who have proved- if proof were needed- that they don't want to be friends with you, chat to any of the ones / the husbands who happen not to be dicks, and go home.
If your husband wants to host an event, fine, but he can do 98% of the work and you are definitely not going to entertain the WAGs while the men go fucking fishing or some shit before the BBQ.

Result! Enjoy your birthday and your actual friends. Do you try to make your husband be friends with all their husbands, by the way? I don't know why it's expected for WAGS to be a thing, but not HABS. Oh wait, I do- it's because society is still largely designed around men and what they want to do and whatever oils the wheels for them.

Great post, spot on description of these sorts of toxic friendship groups.

Janieforever · 08/08/2023 06:46

I'm not intense nor was I particularly keen to be friends with them in the first place

can I ask why? It’s an unusual going in position when you meet a partners friends, not to wish to be friends with them. And of course it feels either they recognised that or at the very least the feeling was mutual.

of course you don’t need to wish to be friends with anyone, and they will always be his friends first and foremost, but if you do see each other a couple of times a month, generally the going in position for everyone involved is to aim to be friendly. You say you were not keen for this going in. Why not?

is there a back story? There is obviously something very dysfunctional here , but it’s hard to grasp what it is. As the natural assumption is, from the way it’s written it’s a group which didn’t wish to include you for some reason, but you’ve dripped in you were not keen right from the start, so what was the reason?

Are they friends with an ex of your partner?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 08/08/2023 06:52

Hugerag · 07/08/2023 21:45

@howsaboutit They don't owe me anything, you are correct. They don't have to make an effort to be friends or to welcome my invitation. They didn't have to attend the party.

But to accept the invitation, participate in the planning (my time, effort), order food and drinks (my money), then to all gradually drop out... especially for one to admit it was because she got a better offer (to attend a concert with another one of the women who was meant to be coming)... it's just not on, and shows they don't care one iota about upsetting me.

Did your partner tell his friend that you were upset that they’d all dropped out? I hope he did. She apologised but then admitted she’d had a better offer. Well done on telling her how you felt.
Your feelings are just as valid as theirs.

Backstreets · 08/08/2023 06:53

It’s hardly odd to meet a group of women with a ton of history and in jokes and not feel welcome. The onus is on the group to include the newbie, not for the newbie to slowly ingratiate herself with the group, especially if she already has her own life and friends.

I once read a great piece by an ex Mormon on including people at parties. She learned the techniques to pick up new converts but after she left the church she still used it to make friends and make sure people didn’t feel left out. It’s a skill!

KVick · 08/08/2023 06:57

So my understanding is that they all initially confirmed their attendance and then every last one of them backed out at the 11th hour!! It's normal for you to be perturbed by this and to express your dismay over it. It was a really crappy thing to do to you. They should have just declined the invite from the get-go if they didn't want to attend. You're the one that got screwed over - what the heck is she crying about??! To hell with this friend group! They're a-holes!!

Blinky21 · 08/08/2023 06:58

They sound like jerks, you should stick with your existing friends and then just tolerate (be polite) to DP's friends when you have to in group situations.

Ladybug14 · 08/08/2023 07:01

Hugerag · 07/08/2023 21:45

@howsaboutit They don't owe me anything, you are correct. They don't have to make an effort to be friends or to welcome my invitation. They didn't have to attend the party.

But to accept the invitation, participate in the planning (my time, effort), order food and drinks (my money), then to all gradually drop out... especially for one to admit it was because she got a better offer (to attend a concert with another one of the women who was meant to be coming)... it's just not on, and shows they don't care one iota about upsetting me.

You're absolutely right

They don't give a shiny shit about you

Not one shiny shit

And your partner is way more concerned about his friends than he is about you

The question is, what are you going to do about this toxic dynamic in your relationship?

pilea11 · 08/08/2023 07:02

Is it just me, or is it a bit weird to have a male partner and a mixed friendship group, yet only invite women to your big birthday? Including women that you don't even know that well?

Plus, I think that party games and favours for adults is just odd. Sorry. Maybe they felt the same way.

People drop out of things, that's life. I do agree that it's rude, but you handled it badly. The woman who apologised to you (twice) obviously cared about your feelings and you were totally graceless in having a go at her.

BabyEl · 08/08/2023 07:05

something doesn’t sit right with me regarding the OP. Remember we are only getting her side of the story.

are these women really all in a big friendship group? So the husbands are all basically strangers and the women organise the getogethers? Didn’t sound like that from the OP. She says “his friends and their partners” so presumably these women are friends through the husbands.

maybe she’s just a bit weird. Maybe they only meet up once every few months. Maybe she organized this Elaborate event and women who basically don’t know her didn’t want to go?

she has pegged them as a bitchy group but they could all just be individuals who meet up now and again and didn’t want to hang out with a near stranger at an elaborate do.

when they were invited to the group did (they didn’t have a choice here) did they know they had to drop out immediately or be accuse of wasting OPs time and money? She says some ordered and then dropped out but how many? 10? Or was it one or two?

I thinknwe are getting quite a one sided story here.

Tilep · 08/08/2023 07:06

It was a rude of them to drop out last minute if they’d previously confirmed & you’d spent money on them.
I kind of admire you.

Defiantjazz · 08/08/2023 07:07

Complaining about the waste of money and doing a big "I accept your apology but..." speech is super crass and self-centred.

Gosh yes, they had every right to dump her for a better offer. How dare she make them feel uncomfortable by calling them out 🙄

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 07:09

ThreeLittleDots · 07/08/2023 21:34

You invited them to something personal to you, that was nothing whatsoever to do with your DH's friendship group, despite barely knowing them.

Complaining about the waste of money and doing a big "I accept your apology but..." speech is super crass and self-centred.

I'm not sure how you hope for friendships to naturally develop if you behave this way.

This. You’ve cooked your goose with your partner’s social circle now. I can’t imagine what possessed you.

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