I made DP's friend cry.

[Hugerag]

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

You didn’t do anything wrong. They chose to accept then drop out last minute. You chose not to be a doormat. I bet they’ll treat you with some respect next time

Or they just didn't want to go to the birthday party (and a very intense birthday party by the sounds of it) of someone they are not friends with. The OP is their partner's mate's girlfriend and none of the blokes were invited. It was a strange invitation and they had every right to turn it down at the start.

Do you really think they should have had to say yes to going to a party they didn't want to? Do you say yes to every invite you receive even when you don't want to go?

They didn't turn down the initial invites which would have been absolutely fine. They accepted, a few even ordered food and drinks, then backed out at the last minute when a better offer came along. Really rude of them. You did really well to tell this woman the truth. Hope she relays the information to all of her friends too.

But the OP says many 'dropped out' before the event had even been planned. Which sounds like she had assumed they would all come without them saying yes.

They said YES, then backed out.....and to back out at the last minute is plain awful.

Thats some disloyal loser you have wasted 3 years with.

At least you have finally seen his character.

I wouldn't be bothered with the whole lot of them.

No man who genuinely cared for you would behave has he has.

Let the party go, it really isn't important.

Wasting any further time with that disloyal loser IS the real issue here.

Oh I feel sorry for the last girl you were inexcusably horrible to her. I hate to say it but I don’t think they like you outside of your dp and maybe tolerate you for his sake. Stop trying so hard and just leave your partner to his own friends group and you yours. I’d find it really weird if I was one of the girls and you invited me to a special bday etc I’d assume you had no friends and needed to make up numbers

I don't think you did anything wrong in saying something but I do think that it shouldn't have been directed at just one person.

I think your ‘d’p is being a dick. He should have your back. I find it so pathetic when a woman gets her bloke to speak for her. Gutless. But your dp’s answer should have been - my dp felt hurt and let down. Further than that, it’s more appropriate that the offended friend speaks to her direct. She’s not a child.

I would turn this back around on your partner. He wants you to be part of his friendship group. You made a very expensive effort that was thrown back in your face. You are clearly not part of the group, they got a better offer and ditched you. You stood up for yourself and he got annoyed with you. Why wasn’t he annoyed with his friends for treating you like that? You aren’t going to want to be part of his group now and will probably understandably not socialise with them. How is he going to feel if they all go away for a weekend and he is the only one who’s partner isn’t there?

I would send her a message apologising for upsetting her, let her know you were hurt because you had made an assumption about being part of their friendship group when that isn’t the case.

Then next time there is a bbq don’t go. Tell your partner you don’t feel comfortable.

you did a nice thing, trying to include them. You enjoy yourself and never mind the whiny cry baby who has to make her dp phone and complain for her. Just pay yourself on the back that you’re a mature intelligent person with plenty of your own friends. But sadly also a spineless dp.

What proportion of the total number of guests did this group form? And did you still have a nice party with your own friends or was it the kind of thing where the depleted numbers really affected the atmosphere?

Btw she cried because you called her out and she was expecting a “no worries”. It was guilt crying.

That said, you might want to rethink your own underdog what the phrase “apology accepted” means!

Understanding! Not underdog.

Agree, sorry…

The person coming off worse here is the Arsehole boyfriend.

now you’ve honed your craft of assertiveness, I’d say, “so 6 of these women that I’ve socialised repeatedly with for 3 years said they’d come. 6 dropped out. 4 dropped out after they knew I’d paid for their meal and drinks package, which cost me £60. Why am I in the wrong here?”

Forget “time and effort” (I think you may be over egging the pudding there - it’s the same time and effort to decide a game for 14 as it is 20, no?) so you’ll lose your point.

Tell him - “not one of these 6 women made the effort to come, despite 6 accepting. And they cost me £60.” (insert real numbers)

When he tells you that you’re petty, dump him. Preferably after he makes a show of transferring you the money 😉

No idea what you're trying to say but it doesn't come across as very kind

Completely agree

Do you realise how your post makes you sound?

OP stated it was a big birthday that she wanted to mark accordingly, so she wanted to include some activities, food and drinks. That's not unusual or "intense". These women had known her for 3 years and seen her regularly with her DP. Even if they weren't "friends", they weren't that distant either. OP didn't say how many of them she invited, but I think it's strange that literally none attended. It feels like a very clique-y situation to me, but you're right that the ones who declined immediately cannot be held responsible. The others who accepted though and appeared enthusiastic, that's more than rude. They knew OP had already spent time, effort and money on them. Anyone on OPs shoes would feel hurt and upset.

All this nonsense about the last woman to drop out not knowing anyone except OP. My friend invited me to her DD's first birthday party, she and her DD were the only people I knew there, I still managed to go and have a good time. I'm actually rather shy and an introvert, but found people to talk to. And there was (really good) cake. 😁
I said I was going, so I went. I wouldn't have dropped out unless I got really ill. Saying you're going to something and then dropping out is horrendously rude.

These people are not your friends, they are your dh’s friends

I would start to have other things you are doing the next time it is organised to meet up.
Your dh needs to realise that his friends have shown that they don’t care for his wife’s feelings so why should his wife care about their feelings.

He needs to go out with his friends on his own Whilst you go out with your own friends or just get dressed up and go out and get a takeaway to bring back to the house when he has left to go partying with these friends.

I certainly would never meet up with them again.

I think for me as well, it would have been clear from the start that I wouldn’t know the majority of attendees, therefore if I felt uncomfortable about that and in 2 minds, I wouldn’t have said yes and confirmed my attendance to begin with!

A "girly" 40th where you have to order food & drinks with someone you don't really know that well...sounds like a nightmare!