Page 22 | I made DP's friend cry.

Hugerag · 2023-08-07T20:26:28+00:00

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery. Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier. Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there. Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive! AIBU?

Blossomtoes · 11/08/2023 07:55

Theeyeballsinthesky · 11/08/2023 07:51

She didn’t feel the need to be friends with them

as OP said, her DP has pushed her to be friends with them and went on about it till she invited them to her party

She didn’t say that at all. This is what she actually said:

I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle.

Lottiebe · 11/08/2023 07:55

YABU! I get the money aspect of things is annoying but you need to stop moaning about the time and effort you spent. That was your decision to do that. I think for a big 40th it is a little strange to only have the girls there, but everyone is different you probably would have been better having both sexes and then inviting his friends and their partners, or just sticking to you own friends for a girls only party. Everyone will g egg over it though, don’t stress about it or keep pushing the issue. I’d probably send a quick message to the last drop out to apologise for just saying something to her.

Beautiful3 · 11/08/2023 09:23

Hang on, these women who aren't your friends accepted your invitation, ordered food and drinks, then cancelled?! Wow that's so rude, and cost you extra money. Why isn't your husband annoyed on your behalf, and telling his mates that their girlfriends are out of order?! He doesn't care about how you're treated, only what his mates think of him. I've been with my husband for 22 years, for half of that he tried to integrate me into his friendship group. His friends girlfriend have changed alot over time, and I've never become actual friends with them. I've invited them out and gone to their events, but I have failed miserably at becoming a part of their circle. I invited his friends and their partners to our wedding, only a few of his mates turned up, only one girlfriend came. I used to care and wonder why. Now I genuinely don't care, and tell my husband to go without me. I have my own friends, and would much rather see them. For years I listened to him telling me to go to these parties/events, on reflection I can't believe what an obedient wet drip I used to be. They're his friends and not mine, just like my friends are mine and not his. Create some boundaries, your husband could go to these things without you. If you want to talk to that girlfriend, you could call her up. Just say you are sorry shes feeling upset. And that you were upset too, when all the girlfriends cancelled on you and you got stuck with the bill. But it's bye gones, water under the ground now.

Rufusroo · 11/08/2023 09:55

I think, that although you were in the right, you should have accepted her apology graciously. She was the only one of the group to apologise in person and she was the one who got it in the neck! The others got away Scot-free.
Stop making the effort - they should have been more welcoming to a new member

Sumthingsweet · 11/08/2023 10:24

sorry to say but it looks like your not well liked in this group and the concert tickets sounds like a lie . Is your Behaviour passive aggressive ? They don’t like you you don’t like them . Make your own friends and celebrate with them

chaosmaker · 11/08/2023 11:21

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 10/08/2023 23:16

I hope all of OP's partners' friends' WAGS posting on here in defence actually grow up and realise that you can't treat people badly, apologise and get away with it forever.

Surely you don’t think it was actually them?

If they were then they'd see that most sane posters know she's in the right. Don't get all the wet ones telling her to say sorry to the one who was 'brave enough' to apologise. No wonder the world is in such a state when minor stuff is so difficult for people.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 11/08/2023 12:49

Well that I completely agree on. You’d think the woman had crawled over broken glass to make this non-apology from the way some people are going on.

ellyeth · 11/08/2023 13:54

I think it was rude to leave it so late to tell you, especially if she was one of the people who had asked for specific things. However, you didn't "accept the apology" because you then went on to chastise her. I think a slightly stony face would have been in order, but that's all.

LAMPS1 · 11/08/2023 13:58

The posters saying OP shouldn’t apologise are missing one small point.

The woman apologised to OP.
OP chose to accept the woman's apology there and then.
The matter was closed at that point or should have been, as the OP had already indicated she had accepted her apology.
But then the OP went in hard at the woman - sufficiently badly to make her cry, creating a new problem for herself, the opposite of what she was trying to achieve.

If OP hadn’t accepted the apology and had instead, made a move to talk reasonably to the woman about why she was justifiably upset, that would have been a decent conversation which would probably have enlightened them both and allowed them to move on. And it would have allowed OP to get closer to the group which was surely the objective of going to all that trouble to include them in her girly party? She wanted to feel part of the group and not on the periphery. And if she had still wanted to feel part of the group, a good way to do that would be to apologise for making the woman cry and then have a proper conversation about why OP was so upset in the first place.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 11/08/2023 14:13

The posters saying OP shouldn’t apologise are missing one small point.

Well I can’t speak for anyone else, but I haven’t missed this point - I just don’t agree with it.

It was all one conversation anyway! How is your suggestion any different?

CherryMaDeara · 11/08/2023 14:17

LAMPS1 · 11/08/2023 13:58

The posters saying OP shouldn’t apologise are missing one small point.

The woman apologised to OP.
OP chose to accept the woman's apology there and then.
The matter was closed at that point or should have been, as the OP had already indicated she had accepted her apology.
But then the OP went in hard at the woman - sufficiently badly to make her cry, creating a new problem for herself, the opposite of what she was trying to achieve.

If OP hadn’t accepted the apology and had instead, made a move to talk reasonably to the woman about why she was justifiably upset, that would have been a decent conversation which would probably have enlightened them both and allowed them to move on. And it would have allowed OP to get closer to the group which was surely the objective of going to all that trouble to include them in her girly party? She wanted to feel part of the group and not on the periphery. And if she had still wanted to feel part of the group, a good way to do that would be to apologise for making the woman cry and then have a proper conversation about why OP was so upset in the first place.

How patronising, I haven't missed anything. A quick 'sorry' is not a get out of jail card. It's possible for OP to both accept the apology AND explain how hurt she was. The two are not mutually exclusive. This is how most people clear the air.

Saschka · 11/08/2023 14:23

LAMPS1 · 11/08/2023 13:58

The posters saying OP shouldn’t apologise are missing one small point.

The woman apologised to OP.
OP chose to accept the woman's apology there and then.
The matter was closed at that point or should have been, as the OP had already indicated she had accepted her apology.
But then the OP went in hard at the woman - sufficiently badly to make her cry, creating a new problem for herself, the opposite of what she was trying to achieve.

If OP hadn’t accepted the apology and had instead, made a move to talk reasonably to the woman about why she was justifiably upset, that would have been a decent conversation which would probably have enlightened them both and allowed them to move on. And it would have allowed OP to get closer to the group which was surely the objective of going to all that trouble to include them in her girly party? She wanted to feel part of the group and not on the periphery. And if she had still wanted to feel part of the group, a good way to do that would be to apologise for making the woman cry and then have a proper conversation about why OP was so upset in the first place.

So just to be clear, you think she would have upset this woman LESS if she’d refused to accept her apology? Okey dokey 🤣

MusicMum80s · 11/08/2023 18:53

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 11/08/2023 14:13

The posters saying OP shouldn’t apologise are missing one small point.

Well I can’t speak for anyone else, but I haven’t missed this point - I just don’t agree with it.

It was all one conversation anyway! How is your suggestion any different?

Agree! Someone coming up to apologise doesn't mean you can't express how you feel anymore...

I actually think the woman who apologised was the worst of the lot. Dropping out the day before to go to a concert with someone else in the group is beyond rude. It shows zero respect. After being treated like that, I'd permanently close the door on the idea of being anything but casual acquaintances with someone. I'd be so ashamed to see someone I'd treated that badly much less someone who I was going to have to see regularly. Its appalling!

ToWhitToWhoo · 11/08/2023 21:22

Saschka · 11/08/2023 14:23

So just to be clear, you think she would have upset this woman LESS if she’d refused to accept her apology? Okey dokey 🤣

Show quote history

She did refuse to accept the apology. Saying 'I accept your apology BUT...' and then having an outburst is not accepting the apology, just as 'I don't want to be rude, BUT...' is still being rude.

To explicitly refuse to accept the apology would have upset the person just as much, but been more straightforward. (And I think she could have messaged everyone with the complaint, not just one person.)

BalancingTree · 11/08/2023 23:07

I agree OP, it is my biggest frustration when people commit to something and then back out at the last minute.

there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, not sure if il make it but can I let you know a few days before- giving the host the chance to make things less formal etc.

it sounds like she cried because she did a shitty thing and you called her out on it.

Your husband should have your back

Mumof3confused · 11/08/2023 23:20

Of course OP is allowed to say that she was upset and justify this to the ‘friend’. It’s very manipulative to throw a tantrum and involve the partners in getting back at OP who only tried to do the right thing all along. Sure, she perhaps shouldn’t have felt obliged to invite the girlfriends and she could have kept quiet about her own feelings like a good girl in order to prioritise everyone else’s feelings whilst ignoring her own.

Someone here said ‘I hope you’ve learned a lesson’ - what?!

Sumthingsweet · 12/08/2023 10:30

She didn’t ignore her feelings though - or she would not have confronted the woman . Hardly water off a ducks back ..

Motherofwildlings · 12/08/2023 12:50

I see multiple issues here, and whilst those snarky bunch of women are one of them i do feel they are being discussed most here when the real issue is your husband op! Why the hell does he seemingly care more about this friendship group when his wife has been made to feel this way on her birthday, after he asked you to make a bloody effort? Is he spineless or just a dick? No wonder you are feeling emotional. I think the way these women behaved is poor, manners wise and just generally, you would have like to have thought that by our age (30+etc) that we would have matured beyond this cliquey crap but there we go, your reaction (whilst understandable) was probably a bit ott on reflection which is perhaps why you are seeking validation here. Your feelings are completely justified, reaction probably not so much-but isn't hindsight wonderful. I do think overall though this warrants a more serious conversation with DH. Try to not to feel salty about the women, kill them with kindness next time you see them and just don't expect anything more than a superficial relationship with them. It's hard but they obviously just aren't your people, you can do much better. Hope you had a lovely birthday xxx

Saschka · 12/08/2023 14:50

Mumof3confused · 11/08/2023 23:20

Of course OP is allowed to say that she was upset and justify this to the ‘friend’. It’s very manipulative to throw a tantrum and involve the partners in getting back at OP who only tried to do the right thing all along. Sure, she perhaps shouldn’t have felt obliged to invite the girlfriends and she could have kept quiet about her own feelings like a good girl in order to prioritise everyone else’s feelings whilst ignoring her own.

Someone here said ‘I hope you’ve learned a lesson’ - what?!

Well the lesson seems to be “bend over backwards to be nice to this group of women, regardless of how they treat you, because your DH cares more about them being upset than you being upset”.

OP should certainly take note of this.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 12/08/2023 15:17

I see multiple issues here, and whilst those snarky bunch of women are one of them i do feel they are being discussed most here when the real issue is your husband op! Why the hell does he seemingly care more about this friendship group when his wife has been made to feel this way on her birthday, after he asked you to make a bloody effort?

Yes, this would be a big problem for me too. He’s essentially taking the path of least resistance - telling OP not to “make a fuss”, to forget it and move on. So much easier than actually dealing with the fallout of the wider group’s behaviour; that takes actual effort and might cause rumblings.

It seems to me like he’s happy to amble along in this established friendship group, doing the same things and going to the same places, and wants his partner to just slot into it. It’s easier to ask OP to “make more effort” than it is to address the fact that, if she’s not considered a friend by these women after three years, she probably never will be.

Oatycookies · 12/08/2023 15:22

I agree - OP’s partner is the main issue. I mean his priority is so much his friends that even his friends partners feelings take precedence over yours. It’s absurd.

OP, I’m assuming his friend took the side of his girlfriend/wife who cried or be wouldn’t have relayed the story to your partner , whereas your partner wasn’t on your side. It says it all really.

If you’re not married to him already and are planning to, I’d suggest you address this with him before you do.

JamieFrasersfurrysporran · 12/08/2023 15:26

So a grown woman runs crying to her partner, he then chins your partner, who then criticises you?? I would be dumping the lot of them

morwenna2 · 13/08/2023 02:22

So sorry this happened to you OP. The comments yesterday about DP I thought very apt & would agree with completely. He’s more concerned with his friends’ & their partners’ feelings than yours. They are an unkind, cliquey bunch of women & what transpired does seem planned & political, which makes me wonder & at the risk of appearing a tad overdramatic - if they have such an influence over your DP, would they influence him away from you? Push him towards someone they have waiting in the wings? This is not the time to be naive - it sounds as if they would be dancing in happiness if they succeeded in this. Time to suss out if there is in fact any solidness in your relationship with your DP, who has well & truly revealed a lack of caring for your feelings.

chaosmaker · 14/08/2023 14:34

LAMPS1 · 11/08/2023 13:58

The posters saying OP shouldn’t apologise are missing one small point.

The woman apologised to OP.
OP chose to accept the woman's apology there and then.
The matter was closed at that point or should have been, as the OP had already indicated she had accepted her apology.
But then the OP went in hard at the woman - sufficiently badly to make her cry, creating a new problem for herself, the opposite of what she was trying to achieve.

If OP hadn’t accepted the apology and had instead, made a move to talk reasonably to the woman about why she was justifiably upset, that would have been a decent conversation which would probably have enlightened them both and allowed them to move on. And it would have allowed OP to get closer to the group which was surely the objective of going to all that trouble to include them in her girly party? She wanted to feel part of the group and not on the periphery. And if she had still wanted to feel part of the group, a good way to do that would be to apologise for making the woman cry and then have a proper conversation about why OP was so upset in the first place.

The OP has friends, the group are twats, she's not missing out on anything. Needs a better bloke probably.

lawrenceofarabia · 22/08/2023 11:27

NancyJoan · 07/08/2023 21:40

Accepting an invitation, ordering food and then dropping out is so, so rude.

Exactly this - it is really bad manners and you had every right to be upset. I'm really sorry they upset you and it sounds like you can't win with them. If you hadn't invited them would they then have been upset too? Sounds like she is trying to stir something and I personally wouldn't bother trying to go out of your way to gain their friendship again. Just be polite and stick to your own friends.