I made DP's friend cry.

[Hugerag]

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

100% correct, the amount of thought and indepth analysis going into a situation that we only hear one side of is really odd

I think some of the responses to this thread are ridiculous of course we're only hearing OP's side that's literally the whole point of Mumsnet! And seriously, of course the OP is entitled to feel upset if she organised something on the basis of people saying the would come and making food choices and then all dropping out. Why shouldn't she vocalise it to the people who caused it, of course she's entitled to think of herself some of these posts are just completely weird

“something doesn’t sit right with me regarding the OP. Remember we are only getting her side of the story.“

There might well be more than this than we’ve been told as most people are going to be naturally biased when telling a story like this - it’s the same for everything on Mumsnet!

however if the main facts are true then the female partner’s of the men who are friends with OPs partner, are definitely not innocent. They all accepted and one by one they dropped off for seemingly no good reason in most cases. If they didn’t want to attend the event and think she’s weird, they should’ve said so from the start not put their orders in then backed out. If I did that I’d totally offer to send someone a reasonable amount to cover the costs eg. £30 a head or whatever it was.

From what I understood about the friendship group it’s a bunch of guys who are friends for decades, and their female partners are friends too, presumably through the men ie. Their partners.

I’m assuming most of the partners of the men have been around for longer, so they’ve had time to develop friendships with each other earlier hence OP is the newbie outsider.

So it was your 38th birthday and you decided to make it a big one like a 40th and invite all your girlfriends who presumably know each other plus this close group of partners who you had been trying to be friends with for 3 years but always felt you couldn’t quite get in with. And you were going to treat them all to a meal and their drinks which they were required to order in advance….so in a restaurant then? That was really going to cost you a lot of money and I really hope the group of partners backed out in sufficient time for you not to have still pay out for them. If you were left out of pocket, that’s totally unacceptable.

OP, was the birthday party a flop because of them backing out or did you still go on to enjoy it with your regular group of girlfriends all the same ?

When the partner did the decent thing and came to you in person to apologise, you could have graciously said something like ….. thanks for the personal apology Jane, that means a lot, I was so disappointed that none of the group could make it, but we had a really fabulous time anyway, - so maybe next time.
Never accept an apology in one breath but then lay into that person in the next. If you are going to accept an apology, be sincere about it and move on in a positive and generous spirit.

I think you could arrange to meet her for a coffee and explain how you were genuinely pleased she had to come to you to apologise but the level of upset you had felt from the whole group backing out one by one, suddenly spilled out and you are sorry this was all aimed at her and you can understand her upset and in turn, want to apologise for that. Then hopefully this may lead to a proper conversation about you feeling on the periphery. Hopefully, you can resolve this amicably.

Yeah I find it surprising people are saying it’s one- sided when that’s always going to be the nature of anonymous forums really. How often can we fact check stories told on here? Unless one of the women recognises herself and pops on here to tell their side we only have OP’s side to go on.

To me this story doesn’t cover OP or the others in glory so it’s even more likely to be accurate IMO.

She added them to a WhatsApp group and announced her party. They then gradually dropped out.
it’s not like they all RSVPed and then cancelled.

Absolutely.

They were very rude and I'm glad you stuck up for yourself!

It was shitty of them to all drop out, I hate that-just say no in the first place if you don’t want to go. I’m focusing on the wrong thing, but, I’m amused at how your age may out you 🤣it’s not like one of millions of MN users will read about someone having a 30th birthday party and suddenly think “oh god, that’s Susan from two doors down”🤪

I can see why you were a bit annoyed but I definitely wouldn’t have said anything. Presumably they were peripheral invites on your own list as it sounds like you have your own friends and only invited them to keep the peace. And it’s also a bit harsh to take it all out on the lat one because she was the last to drop out!
By saying something in that way you have created drama. They aren’t going to suddenly say ‘you know what. She has a really good point I think I’ll be more inclusive of her next time!’ - you’ve just ostracised yourself which will only spite you and your DP.

you could have graciously said something like ….. thanks for the personal apology Jane, that means a lot, I was so disappointed that none of the group could make it,

That. There's a middle ground between pretending it's fine, and laying into her, and just her (after saying you've accepted her apology).

Making it clear that you were sad is the more likely to make them reflect, then angrily talking about the wasted time and effort.

I agree with you op. It's fine if they don't want to come. They can decline. But those who dropped out last minute are rude. And I would be annoyed that your dp is more bothered that you upset one of them rather than their behaviour to you. It shows the pecking order in your dp life.

I think it was unfair that you took all your anger and hurt out on the one person who actually had the balls to speak to you and apologise.

I also think that the whole thing sounds very intense - advance food/drink orders, games, handmade favours - all for a birthday party for someone they don't know very well. It's just a bit...much.

That said I do think it was rude for them all to drop out but that doesn't mean you have to snap at the one person who was decent enough to say sorry.

You did nothing wrong, they don't like their poor behaviour being pointed out.

Well done for saying something, OP. An apology for treating someone badly when you’d do exactly the same thing again is no apology at all. She got upset because she needed you to tell her that what she did was fine, so she didn’t have to feel guilty about it. Nothing about it was for your benefit! I’m really puzzled that there are posters who think that there was any obligation for you to pretend that what they did was OK. You can say ‘no, thank you’ to a party invitation. Screwing someone around, ordering food, then expecting them to pretend that’s absolutely fine is a really shitty way to behave. And it’s really shitty of your partner to think that you need to suck it up to make his life easier. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not like you went to the barbecue and upended tables! Good for you for sticking up for yourself. I’m not surprised that the friend cried, btw. Feeling upset when confronted by the result of your own rotten behaviour is upsetting! But that’s life. I have no idea why you, as the person they hurt, were the one who supposed to make them feel better, apart from the fact that women are never supposed to stick up for themselves. I hope you had a lovely party with your nice friends.

Two wrongs don’t make a right though. And she’s clearly stated she was not keen to be their friends from the start, so there is more to this. I’m not even convinced she’d paid for all the drinks and food as she’s making out.

You had a go at the one person who apologised!

She apologised, you said you accepted it…and then went in to tell her three points on how wrong she was and that you found her rude.

That isn’t ‘accepting’ an apology.
She took the brunt of your feelings about the whole group, but was the one who actually apologised
You did this at someone else’s social event, presumably making it difficult between you, and upsetting her during that event.

Their behaviour was not good.

Neither was your behaviour to her.

I agree.

Then presumably you wouldn't have accepted the invitation in the first place, or placed an order for food?

Well it’s a good job you weren’t invited or even asked your fucking opinion on it then, isn’t it?

Why do people need to be as rude and judgemental as possible? It’s not nothing to do with what OP asked but you needed to get your little snipe in didn’t you? Pathetic.

I can see why you were pissed off about this. I would be too. However, I think it was a bit ungracious of you to say that you accepted the apology then unleash your feelings at the woman - there was probably room for more careful judgement there, especially as it was 'lesson learned' by that stage and nothing could have been done to change the situation. Having said that, the fact that she 'cried' would be neither here nor there to me and I wouldn't apologise or stoke the fire again.

I imagine they probably accepted the invitation and ordered food because they felt they had to. As the event got closer they realised that they really didn't want to go and cancelled in plenty of time. The one who cancelled last apologised to you in person. If you haven't made any sort of relationships with them individually after 3 years it is unlikely you ever would have and you have probably killed any tiny possibility of that now.

No, I agree with you.

The flakiness around accepting invites these days really pisses me off. If someone arranges to do something with someone dumping them when a better offer comes along is downright rude. Good on you for calling her out on it.......she might not accept anymore of your invites but it will probably make her think twice about doing it to somebody else.

Maybe you didn’t read the whole thing, they all did it. Not just this one woman, And I suspect the only thing it will make them think is not to accept again. As said, I’m not convinced the op had to pay for their food and drink as she’s saying, and she’s stated she wasn’t keen to be friends with them before she even met them, so more to this.

Then presumably you wouldn't have accepted the invitation in the first place, or placed an order for food?

It doesn't sound like they knew what the party would involve when they accepted the invite.

I've never heard of an adult birthday party where you need to pre-order food and drink weeks in advance, or where there's organised games and handmade favours.

Maybe they agreed to go thinking it was a meal in a restaurant somewhere, and then realised it was way more than that and no longer fancied it?

OP clearly says they said they would come, put in food orders and then dropped out so it's exactly that they RSVPed then cancelled.

Imagine crying because you were really rude and dropped out of a paid for party for a better offer and someone pointed out that it was rude. That's how children behave when they're told off to try and get out of it.

I'd be asking my partner why he was more worried about his friend's partner being upset because of her own choices than his partner being upset by his friends dropping out at the last minute for a better offer.