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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I made DP's friend cry.

550 replies

Hugerag · 07/08/2023 21:26

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 09/08/2023 12:03

I’m surprised at the number of people here who genuinely think the non-friends haven’t done anything wrong by committing to coming and then dropping out. I sift out people like that quite quickly, I think it’s incredibly rude to have so little regard for other peoples time and money.

Op, you didn’t bring this on yourself by inviting them! Chances are if you didn’t invite them, there would have been snide comments about that instead behind your back. Just give them a wide berth. I hope your DP will be supportive.

youknowitIknowit · 09/08/2023 12:16

billy1966 · 08/08/2023 01:22

Thats some disloyal loser you have wasted 3 years with.

At least you have finally seen his character.

I wouldn't be bothered with the whole lot of them.

No man who genuinely cared for you would behave has he has.

Let the party go, it really isn't important.

Wasting any further time with that disloyal loser IS the real issue here.

Agree. It's really shit of him not to stand up for you and tell them how rude it was to drop out.

Says a lot about how much he values you.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/08/2023 12:30

They had no obligation to accept the invite and commit to their food/drink options, but they chose to do so, and they should have seen that through and attended the event. It was polite gesture to extend the invitation to them in the first place, in my opinion.

The comments saying that you were strangers and therefore they acted fairly are very strange to me. You've been in this outer circle for 3 years, and they're fully aware of who you are. While they may not be your close friends, they're not strangers. If they didn't feel close enough to you to attend the event they should never have accepted the invite in the first place.

It’s as simple as this. From some of the posts on here, you’d think the OP had forced the others to undergo Chinese water torture at gunpoint rather than asking them if they wanted to come to a party, with them having the option to say “No”.

If they really thought it would be THAT bad to attend an event with games and party favours and genuinely couldn’t just suck it up, they should have at least apologised and offered to cover the OP’s losses - and accepted that the OP was going to be pissed off. Tears and bewilderment at the idea she’d even be the slightest bit annoyed - and then blaming the OP? Pathetic.

GoingGoingUp · 09/08/2023 12:56

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/08/2023 12:30

They had no obligation to accept the invite and commit to their food/drink options, but they chose to do so, and they should have seen that through and attended the event. It was polite gesture to extend the invitation to them in the first place, in my opinion.

The comments saying that you were strangers and therefore they acted fairly are very strange to me. You've been in this outer circle for 3 years, and they're fully aware of who you are. While they may not be your close friends, they're not strangers. If they didn't feel close enough to you to attend the event they should never have accepted the invite in the first place.

It’s as simple as this. From some of the posts on here, you’d think the OP had forced the others to undergo Chinese water torture at gunpoint rather than asking them if they wanted to come to a party, with them having the option to say “No”.

If they really thought it would be THAT bad to attend an event with games and party favours and genuinely couldn’t just suck it up, they should have at least apologised and offered to cover the OP’s losses - and accepted that the OP was going to be pissed off. Tears and bewilderment at the idea she’d even be the slightest bit annoyed - and then blaming the OP? Pathetic.

It’s also possible that it never occurred to them there would be losses. The last one dropped out a few days before the event, and it’s not clear when the others did. But they all gave notice.

If it was a restaurant, I wouldn’t have expected a cancellation fee with that much notice. Same with catering - final numbers are confirmed close to the event. So unless it was made clear to them that it was OP was buying food and drinks in advance (if that was the case), rather than simply taking preferences and sorting out food and drink closer to the date, then it’s natural to think that there would be no issue with dropping out as nothing has been paid.

Fofftwenty21 · 09/08/2023 13:55

I haven't read the whole thread but did you only invite your husbands friends? It seems weird to not invite any of your own friends to a party aswell so maybe they assumed there were others coming.

I don't think they owe you money as they may not have been aware you were buying in advance.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/08/2023 13:58

@Hugerag - what has your DP said to you about his friends? Has he said anything, either to you or to them yet? Has he said to them what he thinks of them all backing out of his girlfriend's birthday celebrations having had invites extended to them? Has he said to you why his friends did what they did?

How has their behaviour impacted on your relationship with your DP, or has it affected it at all?

Tortoiseplayground · 09/08/2023 14:15

ReallyHan · 09/08/2023 11:56

The other women were in the wrong and it's reasonable to be upset at how they handled the invite. I can't believe they would all be so rude, to be honest.

They had no obligation to accept the invite and commit to their food/drink options, but they chose to do so, and they should have seen that through and attended the event. It was polite gesture to extend the invitation to them in the first place, in my opinion.

The comments saying that you were strangers and therefore they acted fairly are very strange to me. You've been in this outer circle for 3 years, and they're fully aware of who you are. While they may not be your close friends, they're not strangers. If they didn't feel close enough to you to attend the event they should never have accepted the invite in the first place.

As for the apology, I would have given some kudos but her reaction demonstrates to me it wasn't entirely genuine. An apology should be given to right a wrong, and it's the perfect opportunity for the person whose been affected to explain the impact that had on them. She should have taken that with grace and given you the time to express your feelings and take onboard the effect of her actions in earnest. instead, she was defensive which says to me it was more to rid her of the responsibility for her actions than show respect for your time/money/feelings.

By going to you direct, she should have expected to have been confronted with what she'd done and any hard feelings she has about having to take responsibility for the group should be directed at the others, she can take that up with them. Again, being the last one of the group to attend isn't an excuse in my opinion to pull out. She is an adult, she didn't need a chaperone and could have gone on to enjoy the event and meet some new people, but she chose to go the easy route and be rude in doing so.

Going forward I'd stand my ground with my partner on this and not expend any extra energy on these women beyond being polite and friendly in social situations that bring you together. They've demonstrated how they value you, you don't owe them more of your energy, but it's fair to keep the peace for everyone else involved.

I 100% agree with you. Today was my first ever post I've contributed to on Mumsnet and I'm quite shocked at how angry some people seem to get about other peoples opinions!

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 14:37

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/08/2023 11:46

It’s embarrassing that, rather than saying something, she did the whole “Boo hoo, poor me” routine and then got her boyfriend to sort it out.

Show quote history

We don't know that she got her boyfriend to sort it out, just that the boyfriend mentioned to OP's DP that she was upset.

Coyoacan · 09/08/2023 15:03

I just came back to this and saw ReallyHan's post that I think sums it up perffectly.

Some of the answers here are off the wall. Surely, it is not the end of the world to go to an event that you aren't enthusiastic about when someone has been nice enough to invite you and you have already accepted?

And saying sorry should be an act of genuine contrition not just "I'll do what I want and then just say sorry"

honeyrider · 09/08/2023 17:34

Fofftwenty21 · 09/08/2023 13:55

I haven't read the whole thread but did you only invite your husbands friends? It seems weird to not invite any of your own friends to a party aswell so maybe they assumed there were others coming.

I don't think they owe you money as they may not have been aware you were buying in advance.

You really should read the OP's posts before posting made up stuff.

MusicMum80s · 09/08/2023 19:30

@honeyrider I couldn't agree more about @Fofftwenty21

Why post if you aren't going to read what the OP has said.... Her friends were there too and everyone knew she was spending money!

OP your partner's reaction seems off. If anyone treated me like that my husband would have a word with them, not tell me off for expressing I wasn't happy.

Fofftwenty21 · 09/08/2023 20:36

@honeyrider @MusicMum80s I said I hadn't read all the posts not that I hadn't read the OP posts.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/08/2023 23:49

Fofftwenty21 · 09/08/2023 20:36

@honeyrider @MusicMum80s I said I hadn't read all the posts not that I hadn't read the OP posts.

But you missed a key point from the opening post!

BabyEl · 10/08/2023 06:59

FoodFann · 09/08/2023 11:43

Sorry OP, but I think YABU to expect women who are not your friends to commit to your birthday celebration when they get a ‘better offer’ as you put it, of attending a concert with their actual friends.

Someone suggested it sounded more like a hen do than a party (she was vague on details).

that makes it even weirder.

BabyEl · 10/08/2023 07:07

GoingGoingUp · 08/08/2023 22:02

I actually wonder if the party was a hen do, hence it being women only, favours, games, etc. OP claimed it was a big birthday but was also vague about it at the same time.

I think this is right.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/08/2023 14:18

tachetastic · 07/08/2023 22:59

To be honest I think you need to let it go and move on. These aren’t your friends. They aren’t even your DP’s friends.

You were very kind to invite them, but if I received an invitation from the partner of one of DH’s friends who I barely knew I would assume that I was at the bottom of the guest list and it wouldn’t even occur to me that they would care if I attended. If later I was invited to a concert with my favourite band by my best friend, I might bail too.

They shouldn’t have accepted the invitation in the first place. You have the moral high ground.

But at least this woman had the decency to apologise. It sounds like you took your understandable frustration out in a person who was trying to be nice.

I would try to put this whole episode behind you, but next time you see the woman in question I would take her aside, apologise and make amends. Not because you did anything wrong but because she felt bad. She apologised about making you feel bad, so it would be a nice gesture.

This.

Where do you want to go with this from here OP?

Will you still be meeting up with them two-three times a month?

How much do you think your partner will have your back if you do?

Your DP was keen for you to go ahead with the party plans but has now turned it all on you when it didn't work out. How involved was he in the whole event. He could have chased up some of his friends on your behalf I think.

One way forward would be to have a friendly chat with the woman who says she was upset and sort that out so you can move on without having lost the higher ground.

chaosmaker · 10/08/2023 23:01

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 08:32

It always amazes me when it's acceptable for people to be rude, by canceling late, see someone pay out for food etc, but then it's not acceptable for someone to actually call out this behaviour.

It's fine to call someone out for bad behaviour.

It's not fine to dump all your anger on the one person who had the guts and decency to walk in apologise in person.

Guts and decency would have meant not bailing for a better offer. She should have expected to be told off at the least for being a giant penis.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 10/08/2023 23:09

Exactly! Some posters are acting like the woman is Mother Theresa for merely apologising, rather than actually ever addressing what she did.

chaosmaker · 10/08/2023 23:12

I hope all of OP's partners' friends' WAGS posting on here in defence actually grow up and realise that you can't treat people badly, apologise and get away with it forever. If you don't want to accept an invite, say so from the moment you're invited. DON'T go along with it and then drop out.

It doesn't matter what the event was for, that is irrelevant and how OP wished to celebrate said event is also irrelevant.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 10/08/2023 23:16

I hope all of OP's partners' friends' WAGS posting on here in defence actually grow up and realise that you can't treat people badly, apologise and get away with it forever.

Surely you don’t think it was actually them?

DottyLottieLou · 11/08/2023 07:22

It is worrying that your partner has not stuck up for you rather than the other way round.

Rooroo42 · 11/08/2023 07:22

How many people where at this party that you had people you barely know participating in organising it. You say they mostly dropped out at the start or weeks before hand so ample time for you to cancel/change their food order with the venue. To take your angst out on the person who apologised to you by message and again in person is really unfair, she more than likely didn’t want to come because she wouldn’t of known anyone else there. It also sounds like a whole load of hassle for someone’s birthday if they are having to participate in organising it. You have your friends your DP has his, just leave things at that, you can all still get together for meals etc but after 3 years if you aren’t one of the group it’s unlikely you will be - which is fine

hot2trotter · 11/08/2023 07:31

YANBU. Good for you, standing up for yourself! Too many doormats on here. And, if it were me, I'd do nothing with that group again, just let partner go on his own. He should have been in your corner, not theirs - but that's a separate issue.

Banana1979 · 11/08/2023 07:35

Why do you feel you need to be friends with your boyfriends friends Partners?? your boyfriend isn’t even close to them if these girls were to split up with your partners friends, they would be nothing to you anyway.
if I was invited to a birthday on my own where I didn’t really know anyone, ( you are assumed all the partners know each other) I’d might drop out too
and why would you invite strangers to your 40th?
these people are nobody to you. You just did too much. I hope you learned a lesson

Theeyeballsinthesky · 11/08/2023 07:51

She didn’t feel the need to be friends with them

as OP said, her DP has pushed her to be friends with them and went on about it till she invited them to her party