I made DP's friend cry.

[Hugerag]

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

Well, on the bright side it's not going to be a problem going forward because all your previous efforts are undone.

Yes, they were rude, but putting the only one who had the decency to apologise in person on blast is also rude. She wasn't responsible for any of the others behaviour.

You're not getting off the peripherary now. That's probably a good thing as they're rude.

@Justmuddlingalong Numerous updates with several of them actively participating. Some dropped out right at the beginning before the planning stage (fair enough), others allowed it to get organised and paid for before dropping out.

Look, if they are anything like my husbands circle of pals (who all, including the wives/girlfriends, know each other from school etc) then you will never be accepted.

It used to upset me. Then, I accepted it wasn’t going to happen, stopped caring and stopped trying.

I can be friendly and civil when I need to be but very much keep them at arms length. they aren’t my tribe. And that’s fine.

Not the point of the thread but how is giving your age outing yourself? and pp usually say "think xxx" when they giving a similar example. None of that made sense. To answer your question, I think people who accept an invitation then back out (apart from real emergencies) are ill mannered but you were (a bit) unreasonable to ask people you don't really know.

I think you shouldn't have said you accepted her apology and then given her a lecture. Is have backed off a bit after that but crying FFS? I would lose respect for her over that. All in all it doesn't sound like a great recipe for friendship

They ACCEPTED your invitation, asked for specific food and drinks, then bailed?! What a bunch of assholes!

It’s one thing to decline, but to say yes, actively make plans with the host and then cancel is complete asshole territorial for me. I mean, yes, emergencies happen, etc. But this sounds coordinated to me.

I’d be telling your DP off for coming to you about his friend crying. Why does he care more about that than his friends jerking you around?

I agree. I started out thinking "so 50 then" and then thought no, that wouldn't be outing, she must be part of a niche cult who celebrate their 44th birthday or something...

@ChubbyMorticia sounds coordinated to me., too.

And apology girl just wanted a pass for being rude. The apology means nothing.

"I accept your apology, but I'm going to rip you a new asshole anyway" possibly wasn't the way to go, and perhaps she felt that she was taking the brunt of your frustration towards the whole group when she was the only one that approached you to apologise in person.

However she must be soft as butter if you made her cry with that conversation, unless you screamed it in her face.

On the face of it, she is over reacting, probably because she and her pals behaved liked dicks and didn't expect to be pulled up on it.

They were very very rude to accept and then to change their minds after money has been spent.

If she cried over that being said, she's an absolute wet lettuce.

Your DH should care more about your feelings than those of his friends.

This isn’t a straightforward right or wrong for me. You were let down by people, and ended up bearing a needless financial cost because of that. It isn’t generally unreasonable to be upset in those circumstances and there are always two options, forgiveness or confrontation, and you have gone for the latter.

For me, what complicates this is that they are your DP’s friendship group and not yours. You’ve tried to build relationships and it obviously has not worked out. By going down the confrontation route, you may have impacted your DP’s friendships.

That isn’t to say you are solely to blame, the drop outs have a significant share of that, but were I upset with people who are not important to me but are to my partner, I’d tread very softly unless I’d cleared it with my partner first.

It’s unfortunate that the one time you’ve decided to stand up for yourself is with respect to your partner’s friends, whereas it sounds like you have endless tolerance for other people in your life.

You didn't make her cry. She cried because she felt guilty because she'd behaved badly.

None of these people sound very nice tbh. Is your partner worth the effort of socialising with people who are not very pleasant?

Honestly, OP, it was a bit mad to invite people you don’t know well to an elaborate party that involved pre-ordering food and drink that you were presumably paying for. No, they didn’t behave well, but it was always likely to happen. Stop trying to force things, and let the friendships develop, if they develop, in their own time. Now, all you’ve done is created tension and drama, presumably leading to your partner’s friends being less than impressed with you.

I agree it was rude of them to agree and then cancel at the last minute.

Bloody rude and not friends. I can’t get over that they said yes and gave you their food orders then dropped out. Not worth any further thought in my mind. She was upset you told her some home truths, well she individually and the lot of them collectively shouldn’t be rude arseholes. However going forward with your dp will be slightly uncomfortable, but you n is where you stand with them and I would give these people a light touch investment (so polite but no in depth information or help etc)

I had similar recently where a better offer came along for someone. Fed up with being treated this way most of my life I said no more and put my boundaries up. They told me what they thought of me and I listened. I will be polite to them but that’s it. Sad really because i could never have come off of the situation positively (and brighter will you). If I had let it go I would be the mug and they’d continue to treat me like that. If I said something I would be sensitive and unreasonable & if I ghosted them they have ‘no idea’ what they have done 🙄

hate people like this.

Well done you for calling them out. Although it does sound a tad like you took our t your frustration at the whole group, on that one particular woman.

but fuck em, don’t make any more effort with them. I absolutely hate flakey people

Everyone owes honesty. Agreeing to come and choosing food that was paid for is rude. All of them doing it together is bullying.

Some people don’t like being held to account. You did nothing wrong.

They all sound like twats.

Do you have to be friends with them? Can you not drop them and soend time with you own friends?

This. Let’s face it, you have known them for 3 years now and you are getting nowhere with them. Just give it up and move on.

Bullying? I can't see any evidence of that. As for jealousy....really?
I'd say it was exactly as it seemed. No one was that bothered and a couple (at least) got a better offer. She's not their good friend.

I can understand you being annoyed.

But this is one of those situations where everyone is doing something they don’t want to - you didn’t want to invite them, they didn’t want to come.

Tell your partner that going forward you aren’t going to force friendships - it never works, you will just be friendly to them like the acquaintances they are. Do not apologise for your bluntness with his friend’s girlfriend. She was especially rude to drop out so late.

They should ALL reimburse you for the food and drink.

I don't think you did anything wrong expressing how you felt. Was it necessary in that situation? I don't think so. Maybe another Rhine rather than when she as apologising. I don't think they did anything wrong by not wanting to come. I think your partners friend is being weird though. What does he want to achieve by stirring the pot? Is he telling your partner so he can tell you off like a naughty girl? Your an adult woman who, rightly or wrongly, expressed how you felt about a situation and now you need a telling off from the men.

Oh don’t be daft. Party drop outs are part of life.

The last thing the OP needs to do is create more drama in this group. She needs to step back.