I made DP's friend cry.

[Hugerag]

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

I would tell your dp you were very upset with how all his friends and their partners have been towards you all along, and that the partners behaviour was incredibly rude and you are very upset he can’t see that his friends behaviour is upsetting.

I would also say you have given it 3 years and you are not giving it any more head space. It’s obvious they don’t like you so you will not be attending anything again

then let him go on his own and you see your friends

OP has been with her partner for 3 years!

Just how many women are you talking about, and how many of those dropped out after food orders to which you’d committed money?

I can’t imagine exactly what the set up was, really. How could you already be committed to the cost of drinks? Was it some kind of private bar area where it’s “free” if you spend £x per head? It doesn’t sound like a restaurant meal (with the games). Also the way you’d phrased it - orders for food and drink doesn’t sound like a pre-paid catered meal, but a plan for takeaway to be ordered that evening without financial commitment. Or were you running your own free bar and had been out to buy each person’s requested favourite drink already? I’m wondering how clear it was that you’d actually paid out non refundable money. Like, was it a “here’s the menu, I have to finalise and pay by July 31st” or, “I’m arranging a buffet - do you prefer Indian or Chinese?” (the latter of which, I’d possibly assume if was 1-2 of 30 dropping out, it wouldn’t make much difference)

Same with the favours - were they obviously a non recoverable or reusable cost to you? (do people do favours for birthdays nowadays?)

The main reason I’m on the fence without more info is you saying people dropped out before the planning stage, which isn’t really dropping out, and you make it sound like there are loads of them!

I just wonder if they felt like extras at a big party and not individually important?

Which doesn’t put you in the wrong and it’s still hurtful.

It all just seems a bit odd.

I think it’s really mean that not a single one made the effort to come given you’ve had 3 years of socialising with them. Fuck ‘em for the future. But I can’t get my head round whether they would have known their previous acceptance would have already committed you financially.

I'd be telling your DP to fuck right off and that you won't be making any further efforts with his mates and their rude cliquey wives and girlfriends.

This!!

I'm shocked at how many posters are saying it's the OP's fault. I'm not a fan of 'girly nights' and I probably wouldn't want to attend something like this, especially if I didn't know many people, but if I didn't want to come I would have just declined from the beginning and made an excuse. But if I had committed I would suck it up and turn up!
Pulling out after someone has spent money is beyond rude, especially all doing it. Her DP should be sticking up for her.

Why is your DP more concerned with upsetting his friends than calling them out? They don’t want to be friends with you, so why is he pushing it & not protecting you.

DH meets with his uni friends couple of times a year. Sometimes I go sometimes not. I get on with them but they are his friends not mine.

"If I had let it go I would be the mug and they’d continue to treat me like that. If I said something I would be sensitive and unreasonable & if I ghosted them they have ‘no idea’ what they have done 🙄"

This poster hits the nail on the head. There was no good way this could have ended but I think the action you took has likely ended in the least-worst outcome for you.
If you'd smiled and said "oh don't worry it's fiiine Flakey Crybaby, was the concert amazing,I looove that band" and not mentioned the money and the let down, then she'd have gone off smiling, none of the others would have said a word, your husband would have been relieved that you doormatted yourself and you would have been expected to continue to trail along to all the events, smiling and being inoffensive wallpaper and being bored to tears while whichever one of them drew the short straw makes some obvious token 3 minute conversation with you before scampering off back to her friends and making plans for coffee and the Barbie film but forgetting to invite you, again. They'd feel fine. DH and his friends would feel fine, letting themselves believe that you were all happy girlie besties. You'd feel shit, and be wasting time better spent with your actual friends.

If you said a tightlipped "apology accepted" changed the subject briefly then walked off, reduced your attendance at the events and stopped making any special effort beyond being polite, they'd think "oh yeah that's DH's weird wife. Bit up herself isn't she? Dunno what her problem with us is. No wonder she's standing on her own again" . They and their husbands would feel fine. Your DH would be mildly uncomfortable and keep wanting you to make an effort and jolly you a long. You'd still feel shit and isolated.

As it is, they'll temporarily feel a tiny bit shit individually (diddums), collectively they're reassure themselves that you're the villain (who the fuck cares) , their husbands probably won't notice or care, apart Mr Crybaby Potstirrer (fuck him) and your husband will be temporarily a little bit mortified that you aren't playing all nice but he'll get used to it. Meanwhile you can turn up to whatever minimum number of events you can be bothered with (preferably ones where you can leave early, independently of your husband, making whatever bullshit excuse comes into your head guilt-free) , stop trying to be friends with people who have proved- if proof were needed- that they don't want to be friends with you, chat to any of the ones / the husbands who happen not to be dicks, and go home.
If your husband wants to host an event, fine, but he can do 98% of the work and you are definitely not going to entertain the WAGs while the men go fucking fishing or some shit before the BBQ.

Result! Enjoy your birthday and your actual friends. Do you try to make your husband be friends with all their husbands, by the way? I don't know why it's expected for WAGS to be a thing, but not HABS. Oh wait, I do- it's because society is still largely designed around men and what they want to do and whatever oils the wheels for them.

Why waste people's time in saying yes in the first place then?

To "drop out" means you have said yes, then backed out. At least have the manners to say No in the first place with that attitude.

OP I wish you'd make it clear in your OP that they'd initially RSVPd 'yes' and you'd spent money on that basis. Your replies are going to be skewed by people who think you just assumed they were coming until they told you they weren't - I certainly felt that way until I read your updates but you know what MN is like, most people will dive in without RTFT.

Either way I think you've probably burned your bridges with all of them now.

@powershowerforanhour 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I kept wanting to quote individual bits of that, but it’s all spot on! (though I’m still curious about the party set up and obviousness or otherwise of committed costs).

But this really made me nod:
”their husbands probably won't notice or care”
They really don’t give a shit, or they’d have been more welcoming for the last 3 years.

How does the group treat your DP? Is he full centre or on the periphery?

“DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama.”

This would be my primary focus now.
What exactly does he say, if you ask him how you’re supposed to feel over x number not being interested in coming and y number dropping, leaving you with ZERO of them bothering?

Tell your dp that you’ve made lots of effort with these women and they have chucked it back in your face - so you are not going to be polite and kind to people who have you very low on their priority list and think nothing of upsetting you. I’d tell him you’re not attending any more of these social gatherings.

And I should have added dhs friends are lovely & have always welcomed me, but they are his friends not mine.

"I think you took your hurt and frustration at the whole female group on that one female who had the guts to apologise to your face and there was your mistake."

But the whole point of a face to face apology being gutsy is that the apologised-to doesn't always smile and pretend it doesn't matter at all and send the apologiser skipping off feeling good about herself. If that was so, apologising would take no guts at all and a brief ungenuine "Soz hun" would be an infallible reset to zero, no further effort needed, get out of jail free card.

Apologising is gutsy because you have to brace for hurt being expressed and acknowledge to yourself and her that actually yeah your behaviour was shitty and you both know it. If the apologisee doesn't fall over with gratitude for the apology and wave all the hurty feelz away with a breezy hand, then you take it on the chin, you don't go snivelling to your husband that the nasty lady made you cry. That isn't gutsy, it's pathetic.

I know I was confused, I am assuming she knows the OP.

Maybe speaking from personal experience? As yes, it’s likely the friendship group in these circumstances would have sided with the male partner

Did she actually cry in front of you or did her partner just SAY she cried later? Because personally I find that a little hard to believe - that a grown woman would go home and cry later because this had happened. It sounds to me like her partner made it up (possibly at her behest) to stir the pot. Which makes them both pretty horrible, manipulative people in my opinion.

Having said that, I admit I would find the party you describe, with the games, the hand made favours etc, pretty full on myself, and I can imagine desperately not wanting to attend it even if it was hosted by one of my friends. If it was one of my husband's female friends (none of whom I like, truth be told) there is not a cat in Hell's chance I would be going to that..... I'm a shyish person anyway, so maybe that's why, but a party like that, with a WhatsApp group for planning, sounds very overwhelming to me. So they may not have all cancelled out of dislike for you, but maybe it's just really not their scene. (I don't mean to imply you shouldn't have such a party, OP, if you and your friends are into that sort of stuff. But it's not everyone's bag).

My last paragraph is possibly irrelevant tho on reflection because a)they are not me, and b) I get the impression that you are not so much pissed at their non-attendance, but more the late cancellation aspect. And you have a valid point there. (Though I dunno - could it be that they initially thought it was a straightforward social event, and started to panic when they realised it was a more formalised thing with planned games, handmade favours etc?)

As you can see, I'm on the fence!

I don’t agree with this but then I am usually direct with people. I always try to be kind when I am doing it but I find that if you don’t tell people these sorts of things you hold onto them and your true feelings end up coming out sideways, as they say. For the most part I find that being honest with people makes them more likely to trust you. Sometimes it leads to me not being liked by the other person but that’s ok. You can’t be liked by everyone and when you both know where you stand it’s so much less stressful
than pretending to get on.

Are they a bit possessive of your partner, or close to any of his ex's?

I think good for you. Everyone always says why didn't you speak up or whatever, and you did. It doesn't sound like you were rude or anything, and she could have interpreted your upset as you being disappointed she couldn't make it.

I don't think your partner has any right to be angry at you, he should be upset with his friends.
I hope your party went well anyway, and like you said, you have your own friends so don't worry about it. 💐

What sort of games were planned?
Maybe your own friends love party games but the other crowd don't. I suspect as soon as one or two dropped out the others maybe have gotten the cold feet of 'I won't know anyone else there and I hate games'.
If they had come on here asking 'aibu to drop out of party' we'd probably all have said hell yes it's your Saturday, life's too short.

I think the woman you met felt ambushed by you and that she took the hit for the other's behaviors. You ticked her off in a public place.

@Hugerag well done for telling her how it is. I also don't know why they accepted instead of just saying they didn't want to come. I wouldn't have made the effort in the first place as they don't seem to have done that themselves before your party. It's rude to just drop out when they could have done so when it became clear you were doing things personally and individually for the attendees. I wouldn't be putting any effort into attending the social gatherings with them in future. Your husband should be backing you up, not them.

An all-female event with pre ordered drinks, food and handmade favours - sounds like it was a hen do.

They were rude. I think you were right to speak up.

"DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama."

I would be ripping the face off him for that. You've been together three YEARS, and you still feel "on the periphery" of his friendship group, despite the fact that "we all see each other a lot at various socials - at least a couple of times a month ."

"I saw how important it was to DP." So YOU made the effort. What effort has HE made to integrate you into this so-important-to-him group? Walks in with you on his arm then fucks off to chat to the blokes?

No. He doesn't get to be annoyed that his friendship group are unwelcoming of you. He gets to get off his arse and do something about it. Starting with getting back to MrCryBaby that actually his wife (and all the other wifes) have upset YOU. It's time for HIM to show some fucking loyalty to YOU!

Three years right now isn’t a normal three years. It’s not like they could have been hanging out in 2020, 2021.

It takes time (and interest) to become friends.

I think there is something particularly egregious about the last person dropping out to spend time with another drop-out. It’s inconceivable that she didn’t know everyone else had flaked. Everyone else may have had some reasonably believable excuse, but by the time it go to her? No way.