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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I made DP's friend cry.

550 replies

Hugerag · 07/08/2023 21:26

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

OP posts:
FallingStar21 · 07/08/2023 23:05

@tachetastic But surely it would occur to you that the person has paid for your drinks and meal, and spent time to include your suggestions/preferences on activities etc, no?

HamBone · 07/08/2023 23:08

I was upset that they'd let me waste my time, effort and money to all drop out,

I agree that at the people who let you place and pay for food orders, only to then drop out en masse, are thoughtless cows. Don’t bother with them again, they’re clearly not going to include you in their friendship circle. I do think that you took your annoyance out on the person who apologized most profusely, though, which is unfortunate. She obviously felt bad about dropping out, whereas the others seem unbothered.

drpet49 · 07/08/2023 23:09

Scienceadvisory · 07/08/2023 23:02

I don't understand why you seem angry with the whole group of women? You say some of them dropped out before the planning stage - surely that just means they turned down your invitation? Why is that wrong? Those who said no thanks before you had even started planning aren't bitches or bullies or any of the other awful words they have been called on this thread.

This.

GardeningIdiot · 07/08/2023 23:12

Well the event certainly sounds rather intense, OP .

"made effort planning games, spent money on food and drinks for them, and had bought and handmade favours etc."

They probably thought, 'yeah, OK' when invited, but when multiple messages about handmade party favours and advance drinks orders came through, it all seemed a bit much. Rude to drop out close to the event, but as for the others: they're not obliged to go because you are making such an effort. That was your choice to make it so much effort. It ends up not sounding much fun.

Greenberg2 · 07/08/2023 23:12

AngelAurora · 07/08/2023 22:06

No one is obligated to attend your party, I don't care how much money you spent, YABU, pretty sure I would not attend anything I was not interested in.

But why wouldn't you say at the outset you couldn't make it? That would be fine. It's the fact they were involved in the planning, chose their food and then bailed at the last minute.

Would you really think that was reasonable?

GardeningIdiot · 07/08/2023 23:15

Why would anyone want to "get involved with the planning" for a birthday party for someone they are barely friends with? I expect the increasing fandango of it all gradually put them off.

FallingStar21 · 07/08/2023 23:15

Scienceadvisory · 07/08/2023 23:02

I don't understand why you seem angry with the whole group of women? You say some of them dropped out before the planning stage - surely that just means they turned down your invitation? Why is that wrong? Those who said no thanks before you had even started planning aren't bitches or bullies or any of the other awful words they have been called on this thread.

Because given that ALL of them declined it's highly suspicious they'd done this collectively, as a clique that treats any "outsiders" with zero respect or consideration. That's my take anyway.

MySoCalledWife · 07/08/2023 23:16

soon’t bother with them

be aloof and have your own friends

you can’t make people like you, or force them to come to your parties

be lucky that you nodes know they are not worth the effort and focus on your own friends, your real friends

tachetastic · 07/08/2023 23:16

FallingStar21 · 07/08/2023 23:05

@tachetastic But surely it would occur to you that the person has paid for your drinks and meal, and spent time to include your suggestions/preferences on activities etc, no?

It’s a fair comment but the OP refers to people dropping out in the weeks before the party. Most restaurants only require you to pay for cancellations at the last minute, especially if there is still a good group attending, and I assume that for OP’s big birthday these third generation contacts were not a big part of the party?

I am not defending their actions, but just suggest that they need to be viewed in context. I think what they did was really rude, but also quite human.

As to activities, no. The fact that I voted for Twister rather than Charades does not mean I then have to miss Taylor Swift in concert (or whoever it was)!!!!

Greenberg2 · 07/08/2023 23:16

Anyway OP my issue would be far more with your DP. The friends' wives were rude and I don't blame you for being annoyed with them but your DP is supposed to have your back not his friend's wife's.

I'm afraid it shows where you are in the pecking order. I think he will always put his friends above you and that can be soul destroying in the long term. Especially if they are so enmeshed close to each other.

GameOverBoys · 07/08/2023 23:18

Some women really know how to weaponise crying.
You don’t ditch someone’s party because you get a better offer then have the cheek to tell them. She was a bitch and now she’s trying to look like the victim.

LadyLolaRuben · 07/08/2023 23:20

Sounds like the lady who apologised took the hit for everybody else who also cancelled.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/08/2023 23:20

Hugerag · 07/08/2023 22:49

@porridgeisbae Thanks for your posts, but I'm not intense nor was I particularly keen to be friends with them in the first place. I have my own friends who are lovely and would never behave like this (nor would I). I wanted to make an effort because it would have been nice to be closer to these women, as we all see each other a lot at various socials - at least a couple of times a month - and I saw how important it was to DP.

I was upset that they'd let me waste my time, effort and money to all drop out, it does seem coordinated and bitchy... not because I was desperate to be their friend but because I find it to be incredibly rude and hurtful.

Forget about them, if they've not welcomed you into their friendship group in 3 years, they never will. I had the same when I started dating my now husband. All his friends were in couples and the girls didn't welcome me in, I tried, but gave up in the end as I couldn't be arsed with their ridiculousness anymore.

Annoyingly though, they pushed DH out of their group too eventually. They were all seriously high-maintenance. They expected us to join them every single weekend for social gatherings despite DH & I not seeing each other in the week due to our work and long distance relationship. They took serious offense that we didn't join them every single weekend for some mundane BBQ that was exactly the same as the previous weekend. They didn't understand our careers were high pressured and meant we didn't get any time together during the week etc. Anyway...it was sad for DH to lose his once-good friendship group, but no skin off my nose as I'm not into bitchy drama.

Your DP is being unsupportive of you in this situation, and that would bother me more than the behaviour of these women, even though they were rude.

RedHelenB · 07/08/2023 23:21

SayingwhatIreallythink · 07/08/2023 21:30

I think it’s one of the occasions when you should have just kept your feelings to yourself for the sake of friendships going forward.

This.

Becgoz7 · 07/08/2023 23:21

Honestly I would have dropped out too. I go to friends birthday celebrations because they are my friends. I wouldn't go to my husbands friends wife's party especially without my husband.

BackAgainstWall · 07/08/2023 23:25

Good on you, you’ve got balls 👏🏽

I think it was right that you told her the reality of the situation.

How pathetic of her. She needs to reflect and own her bad manners. She owed you a serious apology.

Going for the sympathy vote is not owning it at all, weak and manipulative, because now of course you’re the baddy!!

Dillane · 07/08/2023 23:26

Treesandrivers · 07/08/2023 21:32

You are right to stand up for yourself.

Maybe you should do it a bit more often?

Any idea why they are bullying you? Was a great friend of theirs hoping to marry your DH?

Maybe gently probe DH?

Standing up to bullies is always a good plan.

Bullying? Don’t be ridiculous 🙄

pictoosh · 07/08/2023 23:27

GardeningIdiot · 07/08/2023 23:15

Why would anyone want to "get involved with the planning" for a birthday party for someone they are barely friends with? I expect the increasing fandango of it all gradually put them off.

There may be something in this too.
I'm not a fan of themed parties or girly events although I'd attend one if it meant a lot to a friend. For a not-friend, the more fussy and particular it became, the less keen I would be to go. This is probably my failing but that's how I am. To me, if it's got an itinerary, it's not a party, it's an ordeal.

ikno · 07/08/2023 23:30

Maybe to break the ice, you could have invited them to something more lowkey to begin with, that didn’t have the same financial implications. And then built up to the bigger celebrations next year perhaps?

to a certain extent I think you might have overdid things in terms of they might not have realised an invitation would have set them or you back for catering/drinks/favours. In the future just remember that it’s okay not to invite people you’ve just met to big celebrations, both of you need to build trust and respect.

Whattheactualwhatnow · 07/08/2023 23:30

OP I guess they didn’t know how to politely decline so each went along with it for a bit before dropping out. Is there a nice way to say, I don’t really fancy this because we only know each other through our partners? And would you really have preferred that? You tried to be inclusive which is nice, but given that they aren’t your friends I think you put yourself and them in a tricky position inviting them to your gal pals birthday event.

ikno · 07/08/2023 23:33

Also I think maybe it was too soon to start socialising without partners.

thereisnorightanswer · 07/08/2023 23:35

I mean, you weren't wrong to be pissed off, but the story will now be 'Horrible OP made lovely Whatsherface cry' rather than 'We're a bunch of mean girls who bailed on the OP.' You're never going to integrate with that group.

It sounds a lot like your DP is automatically siding with the friend group too.

I broke up with an ex because he always put his friends above me, and it got to the point where I couldn't bear it anymore. Not once was the assumption I was in the right.

Not socialising with a partner's friends is one thing. Actively not getting on with them is like a ticking bomb for the relationship.

Zonder · 07/08/2023 23:39

How does this group all know each other? Were they all at uni together or something? Or did the women get added one by one and become friends? If the latter then they are really rude and clearly don't think much of your DP, let alone you.

WandaWonder · 07/08/2023 23:41

Having friends is not meant to be this hard, I have no idea who likes the drama but some people in this group must like it

Would be simpler to stick with your own friends

lissyt · 07/08/2023 23:51

All the other women knew each other, it says in the post.

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