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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I made DP's friend cry.

550 replies

Hugerag · 07/08/2023 21:26

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 07/08/2023 22:31

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/08/2023 21:36

Tell your DP/DH to fuck right off. He pushed you to do something you didn't want to do. His friends / circle were then downright rude and you are perfectly within your rights to be annoyed and to stand up for yourself. Your feelings are perfectly valid and he should be embarrassed on their behalf not gaslighting you.

I wouldn't bother again. It will blow over in time but they won't mess you around again.

I agree. And why should you make all the effort to befriend people who don’t care about you? You expressed your understandable hurt. I would probably tell DP that I don’t take responsibility for his friend’s reaction, and maybe he would like to consider how I’ve felt over the years.

Anothermam · 07/08/2023 22:32

I think I would have toned it down a bit. Something like "well it was a bit annoying to have to pay for the food and drinks people ordered but that's ok" , (letting her know that it really wasn't ok)

Going forwards I'd just see them at group things with the husbands there and not try to invite them anywhere yourself. I hope you have other lovely friends.

Molehillminnie · 07/08/2023 22:33

They’re not your friends. I’d avoid them in future. Your DP should be sticking up for you and calling them out on their rudeness. Reflects really badly on him that his mates are so callous.

porridgeisbae · 07/08/2023 22:35

@Hugerag The one who got a better offer was rude, and the one who was going to the concert with her but didn't mention it.

But these women are all just randoms OP, please try not to let it get to you.

You made a nice gesture inviting them, but they weren't obliged to take you up on it; they don't really know you.

I would probably have gone but then it's in line with my religious beliefs if someone has had the kindness to invite me, plus I don't get out much. Grin

Celebrating a special birthday is special for people that know you.

And money's tight for people I guess, if they were going to have to buy any drinks etc or travel much.

LookItsMeAgain · 07/08/2023 22:42

PacManMom · 07/08/2023 22:10

It's been 3 years, they don't sound interested in being friends with you. I wouldn't be surprised if they completely drop you now after that.

The OP has been with her DP/DH for 3 years.

The OP's birthday was only 2 weeks ago.

What are you suggesting?

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/08/2023 22:42

Yanbu. At all
Drop the rope. Like fully put it on the floor and step away from it.

Stop making any effort at all and send your DP off to hang out with his arsehole friends solo.

Speaking from experience here except its my DH and his arseholeates and he eventually managed to realise they were kinda being arseholes and stopped trying to make me hang out with people who were horrible to me when i did nothing but try and be nice to them.

porridgeisbae · 07/08/2023 22:43

The ones who dropped out within a couple of weeks knew that I'd already made effort planning games, spent money on food and drinks for them, and had bought and handmade favours etc.

You can't buy people's friendship I guess OP. I hope you had a nice time on the day. Maybe you've joined the friendship group a little later- as people get into their 30s they become less motivated to make new friends etc. x

I'm sure there'll be one or two that you click with.

I think the trick can be to be less intense about these things @Hugerag .

I used to be desperate to have friends so I probably pestered people too much, plus was devastated when people fell out with me. Over Covid I learned to like my own company more, plus I've been hurt too many times.

It maybe makes me a better friend that I'm not so intense about friendships (Which can be a Borderline trait BTW.)

Do you find it hard to make friends yourself that you're trying to adopt a ready made friendship group ? (I used to try and do that with friend's friends, too.)

FallingStar21 · 07/08/2023 22:45

OP, I read all your updates and genuinely feel so sad for you. It would have been hurtful enough if all of them had declined at the beginning but to let you carry on planning and paying! The woman you "made cry" should have thought long and hard about her behaviour, not go bleating to your DP.
I'm amazed you went to the BBQ, if that were me I'd probably tell DP I don't want to see any of them. It would only have been acceptable if there's was unexpected illness or family emergency, you don't let the person pay for your attendance and then go to a different event instead.

Ottersmith · 07/08/2023 22:46

They probably all wanted to say no in the first place but thought dropping out later would let you down more gently. Lots of women don't like all women parties, especially when they don't know the women. Also I don't like it when my friends partners want to join the group, it changes the dynamic. If it hasn't happened naturally then step back.

BetiYeti · 07/08/2023 22:48

Good on you OP. Don’t give this flakey lot another thought now.

Pencilsaremylife · 07/08/2023 22:48

It seems to me your DP cares more about these friends than he does you. If you had been together a few months, that would be fair enough but after 3 years he should be prioritising you not expecting you to be consistently making an effort for people who have no regard for you. How is the relationship in other ways?

Original poster
Hugerag · 07/08/2023 22:49

@porridgeisbae Thanks for your posts, but I'm not intense nor was I particularly keen to be friends with them in the first place. I have my own friends who are lovely and would never behave like this (nor would I). I wanted to make an effort because it would have been nice to be closer to these women, as we all see each other a lot at various socials - at least a couple of times a month - and I saw how important it was to DP.

I was upset that they'd let me waste my time, effort and money to all drop out, it does seem coordinated and bitchy... not because I was desperate to be their friend but because I find it to be incredibly rude and hurtful.

OP posts:
YouOKHun · 07/08/2023 22:51

Ah OK @Hugerag I wasn’t sure whether they don’t normally socialise together or whether they are close friends independently of the men.

I don’t know if you’re the ‘newest’ partner or whether they had a friendship with your DP’s ex or something? Sometimes there is some issue with your DP, background dynamic or past event that you can do nothing about but unfairly is placed at the innocent party’s door. I had this with a previous partner, I just wasn’t particularly welcome and looking back they were all quite similar, all doing sales type jobs and I came along, badly turned out, working in mental health with not a shred of glamour about me and totally different interests and I think I just upset their friendship group which wasn’t very diverse. They had got on with my predecessor and though I had nothing to do with my DP’s split at all I think they felt negatively about me before they’d even met me. It’s a bit like NCT groups, the only thing you have in common is giving birth at the same time and perhaps the only thing you have in common with these women is that your partners are friends, and it’s just not enough. To be honest if they are being so unwelcoming after three years I’d stop bothering. Awkward though, as you’ve no doubt still got to socialise with them. I do think your DP should be sticking up for you more - what’s his status among the men? Is he insecure around them - perhaps it’s a meta unpopularity iyswim?

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 07/08/2023 22:52

"Show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are"...

Original poster
Hugerag · 07/08/2023 22:52

@FallingStar21 I would have much preferred that they all just declined in the first instance, at least I would've known where I stood and not wasted my time and money. I even handmade favours for everyone (which a few knew about before dropping out). I only reluctantly went to the BBQ for DP, but honestly I won't be bothering in the future.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 07/08/2023 22:56

Agghhh this is awful. It's one of those tricky social situations. You are absolutely right, they're not arsed about making room for you and the 11th hour cancellations were rude. In an ideal world you would be able to state your feelings and be treated fairly. But. This is an established social group you see and as such, they will close ranks and you will be pegged as the troublemaker. None of them will rock the boat on your behalf, not even your dp.
Unfortunately you let the one person who did apologise take the flak for all of them. Even if she is a jelly, it will be held against you. Not because you did something heinous but because they're all friends and it's much nicer for them to make you the villain than admit they weren't very nice to you about your party.

I don't think you'll ever make those inroads now sadly. Ugh. People are such twats. Sorry this happened. xx

Spinet · 07/08/2023 22:57

Ah, you never know. Sometimes people behave with a bit more respect once you've stood up for yourself.

KarmaStar · 07/08/2023 22:58

I think you took your hurt and frustration at the whole female group on that one female who had the guts to apologise to your face and there was your mistake.
This incident is going to go around the whole group and you've made it doubly hard for you to forge friendships now with women.
You're too invested in trying to push yourself into an established friendship circle,back off and keep your head down for a while and let the waters calm.

SemperIdem · 07/08/2023 22:59

She’ll get over it and perhaps reconsider being so flakey in future.

Good for you being direct!

whynotwhatknot · 07/08/2023 22:59

they were wrong everyone can all be oh its doesnt matter but they ordered specific food that op laid out for

theyre a bunch of bitches

tachetastic · 07/08/2023 22:59

To be honest I think you need to let it go and move on. These aren’t your friends. They aren’t even your DP’s friends.

You were very kind to invite them, but if I received an invitation from the partner of one of DH’s friends who I barely knew I would assume that I was at the bottom of the guest list and it wouldn’t even occur to me that they would care if I attended. If later I was invited to a concert with my favourite band by my best friend, I might bail too.

They shouldn’t have accepted the invitation in the first place. You have the moral high ground.

But at least this woman had the decency to apologise. It sounds like you took your understandable frustration out in a person who was trying to be nice.

I would try to put this whole episode behind you, but next time you see the woman in question I would take her aside, apologise and make amends. Not because you did anything wrong but because she felt bad. She apologised about making you feel bad, so it would be a nice gesture.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 07/08/2023 23:00

AngelAurora · 07/08/2023 22:06

No one is obligated to attend your party, I don't care how much money you spent, YABU, pretty sure I would not attend anything I was not interested in.

Fine, if you say ‘no thanks’ straight away. You don’t accept then drop out when something better comes along.

MonsterCalling · 07/08/2023 23:01

It’s very unfortunate that the one person who had the decency to apologise to you took the brunt of your frustration.

Don’t try to force these friendships any further. It’s healthy for you and DP to have separate social circles.

Scienceadvisory · 07/08/2023 23:02

I don't understand why you seem angry with the whole group of women? You say some of them dropped out before the planning stage - surely that just means they turned down your invitation? Why is that wrong? Those who said no thanks before you had even started planning aren't bitches or bullies or any of the other awful words they have been called on this thread.

watcherintherye · 07/08/2023 23:04

There’s no doubt you’re in the right, op, butI just think your exchange with the woman was akin to someone asking ‘how are you?’, to then be regaled with the details of your latest IBS flare-up. Brutal honesty is usually absent from social interactions, so probably came as a shock to her!