I made DP's friend cry.

[Hugerag]

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

And IMO that friend wasn’t genuinely sorry, she was just apologising to rid herself of any guilt and try and look good. People like that tend to react very badly if their “apology” isn’t accepted the way they thought it would which is probably why she turned the tears on .

Why do you want to be friends with them? Ignore them. It’s not necessary to be friends with your partners friends or their girlfriends. Ignore them :)

After the others dropped out, apology woman was left alone, attending the party of someone she didn't know, and where she'd know none of the guests. Nor would she have her own partner with her.

Its hardly surprising that she didn't want to attend. And of all of them, she was the one who had the guts to face you and apologise. Yet she was the one who had to take the flack for them all.

I’m afraid I also find it odd uou accepted her apology, said to move on and then had a go at her. You are clearly pissed about their behaviour which is fair enough, amd took the oppprtunity to take it out on her.

as much as I understand why you are upset, the repercussions are clearly there Is no chance of friendship now.

Does it mean you were in the wrong, yes a bit you didn’t need to go so hard, but it’s done now and there is a price for your moral high ground. Which is you will not he accepted by the group.

If someone you don’t know suddenly starts having a go at you in a social setting, I don’t think it’s unreasonably to start crying. She was probably in shock,

What?

I hope you don’t waste any more of your time on these rude people OP. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who lets you down so easily when you’ve made a huge effort.
As for the crying one…feeling a little bit guilty maybe- so she should!

Yep, this ⬆

Sounds like you only directed your disappointment to this one woman. If the whole friendship group were at the bbq, did you make it known to them all how you felt or just the one who was decent enough to apologise to your face. Perhaps she did feel bad about cancelling. So for me if you only directed this at her then yes I think you were being unreasonable, and you should have told them all how pissed off you were.

Did they accept the invitation to a party, but then when it seemed it was getting quite intense with drinks orders etc, they then dropped out? Most parties just go with the flow, I've never been to a party with a drink order.

@Hugerag Sorry if I’ve missed something but are the other female partners of your DP’s friends all great mates who see each en masse without the men, with you excluded from that, or are they all only lightly friends who get thrown together on a regular basis simply because their partners are all friends? I’m just wondering how invested they are or whether there isn’t actually a cohesive female group to join?

This.

@xyz111 Some dropped out early on, others left it until a couple of weeks before, then the last one a few days... The ones who dropped out within a couple of weeks knew that I'd already made effort planning games, spent money on food and drinks for them, and had bought and handmade favours etc.

Well it was rude of them to drop out and you approached this in a direct manner which was blunt but fair enough. It does mean that you probably won't ever be best of friends with this woman now.....no great loss though.

Yanbu OP. People just don't have manners anymore.

Happy birthday.

If you were going to all that trouble Op, I would have just spent money on my actual friends, not people who weren't. I think the one who dropped out last minute was actually being nice by coming and speaking face to face and apologising again. And you took all your frustration from the whole group out on her.

@YouOKHun "the other female partners of your DP’s friends all great mates who see each en masse without the men, with you excluded from that"

^ this.

I'm so sorry, OP

A big celebration ‘like turning 40’ but not. So you turned 30? It seems a bit odd that people throw these big extravaganzas nowadays as surely if everyone you know is a similar age everyone has to go to that expense x-times however many friends they have.

It’s not great that people dropped out after ordering drinks etc but it does sound like the whole thing had reached hen do proportions and, let’s face it, the only times people put themselves through partying with a load of people they barely know is for a hen do.

On the one hand it’s great you want to try and build friendships with your dp’s existing friends but on the other maybe it should have been on the basis of something more informal like house party that wasn’t actually centred on you alone but on you both as a couple.

Hope you enjoyed your party regardless.

She cried because sometimes the truth hurts. Your other half should be supporting you.

Do you need to be in the friendship group? Why??
My DH has a friend who is a serial monogamist. He is also not really very nice! But will appear to be a major catch. Very rich, well educated, very nice house etc.
I do not get close to his girlfriends ( or wives) because I have watched the pattern over the last 20 years now. Always so serious always a few years but he will always dump them. At his wedding I knew (as did his own mother) that it wouldn't last. The woman for some reason always want to bond with his friends and his best friends wife ( me). I'm not a hypocrite so I avoid the situation now.
What do they know about him? What's the history ? was this your 50th or 30th?
Is there an ex they will stay loyal to?

Forensically, your speech about being upset & feeling let down was entirely valid - and it is better to show that you felt betrayed, rather than acting like you don't care.

The part that was perhaps less valid was where you told this particular woman you found it rude and singled her out for criticism.

I mean, she's a dickhead for weeping over it and your DP should definitely be supporting you, not telling her off!

Still, it's all done now and you all know where you stand. I sympathise, because something very similar happened to my hen weekend. Two of his female friends did turn up, out of maybe ten, and made it clear they didn't really want to be there. Luckily I have other friends, so we just gave up on the plan and got pissed.

Don’t say you’re going to come then let the OP down. I wish I had your guts to tell someone, actually you were rude. If she doesn’t like it she needs to take a look in the mirror. Home truths sometimes hurt. You’re not being unreasonable, you tried to be nice and had it thrown back at you. I’d be annoyed.

Ugh I'm feeling really annoyed with your DP now. Even if it had been rude to speak plainly about it (which it wasn't given the circumstances) your partner should have seen that this was a result of you feeling upset by these women's horrible behaviour and said so. Are the friends wrestling for control of your DP? If so you're really better off out of it.

People accusing you of trying to muscle in on their friendship group, she was trying to be nice. They could have said sorry I’m busy