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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I made DP's friend cry.

550 replies

Hugerag · 07/08/2023 21:26

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Tortoiseplayground · 09/08/2023 07:21

People cry in these situations because they've been caught out and confronted. Deep down she probably knows she was rude. As were the others who put in orders but pulled out. Unfortunately it appears this woman took the bullet for all of their poor behaviour. I understand her not wanting to go to a party where she knows no-one but they should have stood together and at least a pair of them, come to your party. I think the going to a concert, instead adds insult to injury. So no, you are not being unreasonable, and good for you for expressing your very valid feelings.

RoadSignFool · 09/08/2023 07:45

Yeah, she apologised to make herself feel better, not you. And you didn’t indulge her. You have burnt a lot of bridges, to be sure, but they don’t sound like nice people.

I am also wondering if this was a hen party though, as I can’t see anyone over the age of 13 having a female-only birthday party!

Moreorlessmentallystable · 09/08/2023 08:01

I think they were rude for confirming and then cancelling, however, I would have not brought it up and just stopped making a special effort to bond with them without your DH. They don't have to be your friends if they don't want to. I think your DH's friends is being a bit ridiculous contacting your DH to "tell on you", it was a conversation you had with his girlfriend and he should just keep out of it, very patronising of him to try and sort it out as if you 2 were children.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 09/08/2023 08:09

It always amazes me when it's acceptable for people to be rude, by canceling late, see someone pay out for food etc, but then it's not acceptable for someone to actually call out this behaviour.

Well done for having the backbone to actually say something to this woman and not be a walk over. As you said, I'd much prefer someone declines early on, than be involved with the preparation, have money spent on accommodating them, THEN decline because they've had a better offer, that's just bad form.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 08:32

It always amazes me when it's acceptable for people to be rude, by canceling late, see someone pay out for food etc, but then it's not acceptable for someone to actually call out this behaviour.

It's fine to call someone out for bad behaviour.

It's not fine to dump all your anger on the one person who had the guts and decency to walk in apologise in person.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 08:37

GoingGoingUp · 08/08/2023 22:02

I actually wonder if the party was a hen do, hence it being women only, favours, games, etc. OP claimed it was a big birthday but was also vague about it at the same time.

Yeah I'm starting to think this is the case too, which is why her DP was so keen for her to invite all the wives/girlfriends from his social group - presumably because they were all attending his stag do.

SayingwhatIreallythink · 09/08/2023 08:39

Tortoiseplayground · 09/08/2023 07:21

People cry in these situations because they've been caught out and confronted. Deep down she probably knows she was rude. As were the others who put in orders but pulled out. Unfortunately it appears this woman took the bullet for all of their poor behaviour. I understand her not wanting to go to a party where she knows no-one but they should have stood together and at least a pair of them, come to your party. I think the going to a concert, instead adds insult to injury. So no, you are not being unreasonable, and good for you for expressing your very valid feelings.

People cry for different reasons. People have different trigger levels to cry. Not everyone that cries is being manipulative. You’re talking nonsense.

GoingGoingUp · 09/08/2023 08:47

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 08:37

Yeah I'm starting to think this is the case too, which is why her DP was so keen for her to invite all the wives/girlfriends from his social group - presumably because they were all attending his stag do.

Show quote history

Yeah, that makes sense actually. Otherwise, who on earth has a big party (with games!) for a birthday but makes it women only and doesn’t even invite their own partner.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 08:57

People cry in these situations because they've been caught out and confronted.

Or maybe she was crying because OP blamed her for everyone else's shitty behaviour, even though she was the only one with the decency to apologise in person?

I would probably cry in a similar situation as it would feel incredibly unfair and unjust that I was taking the blame for everyone else's actions. Especially if I'd been the only one with the decency to apologise too.

twinklystar23 · 09/08/2023 09:08

Does your partner make similar effort with your friends husbands/ partners?

Personally whilst it may seem that your trying to
" be accepted" my view is that your over invested in people who aren't your friends. It was shit of them to drop out, based on the information you have given.

I'm not sure how you can salvage this with upset person. A "sorry I made you so upset" I.e not apologising for what you said but how it affected her, may just make matters worse. Whilst an apology might make things better for upset person it's unlikely to sit right with you.

Maybe just resign yourself to being on the periphery. Think your DP is a bit crap for being entirely unsupportive.

Mumof3confused · 09/08/2023 09:18

You don’t need friends like them. If it wasn’t for your DP pushing you to forge a friendship this would not have happened. He should at least accept some blame here. It feels like his loyalties are in the wrong place. Is he otherwise also trying to mould you into someone you’re not?

I would ‘apologise’ to the one who cried and say you were upset to have spent X amount on food and drink for that group, only for them to drop out and it going to waste, you’re grateful that she made the effort to apologise and you’re sorry to have taken it out on her.

How often does this group of ‘friends’ hang out?

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/08/2023 09:20

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 08:57

People cry in these situations because they've been caught out and confronted.

Or maybe she was crying because OP blamed her for everyone else's shitty behaviour, even though she was the only one with the decency to apologise in person?

I would probably cry in a similar situation as it would feel incredibly unfair and unjust that I was taking the blame for everyone else's actions. Especially if I'd been the only one with the decency to apologise too.

So as an adult woman in such a situation, you couldn’t have said something like “Well obviously I wasn’t the only one who dropped out, and I can’t speak for anyone else, but I AM genuinely sorry and now I know you’re out of pocket, I’ll happily reimburse you”?

That would be a far more adult response than stamping your feet, crying and wailing “But everyone else dropped out too! Why is she being so mean to meeeee? It’s soooo unfaaaaair!!”

It’s just embarrassing that a grown woman would behave like that, and then let her partner text the other woman’s partner about it like playground mums to boot.

RenliBell · 09/08/2023 10:18

Though you are valid to feel upset, you did go about it wrong.

Firstly they're your DPs friends not yours, you invited them to be nice but I wouldn't had expected them to come. Friendships happen naturally they're not forced and you shouldn't force them, if you click you click if you don't then you don't. They don't owe you anything.

Secondly you definitely shouldn't had given a big speech about it, I personally wouldn't have wanted to go to a party where I barely know anyone there.

Thirdly people can drop out of events and not give a reason, you can feel upset but you shouldn't get mad at them.

You probably should've accepted the apology and left it there

Ganainm488 · 09/08/2023 10:21

OP I feel your pain. I avoid confrontation at all costs so would have said nothing. Even when my closest friend and neighbour did something similar to me I said nothing. Instead it helped me work out where her friendship sat in my circle of trust and I adjusted my expectations. We still have fun together but I know not to rely on her. These people will never be your personal friends. But if you need to socialise with partners then you need to find a way of being friendly at these events. Personally I would speak to the one who apologised. I would apologise for my outburst and for upsetting her as she shouldn’t have taken the brunt for everyone else. Get her back on side to avoid awkwardness at the next event. Then keep conversations on a superficial level and smile when you have to be there. And get on with your life without them as friends.

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 10:23

RenliBell · 09/08/2023 10:18

Though you are valid to feel upset, you did go about it wrong.

Firstly they're your DPs friends not yours, you invited them to be nice but I wouldn't had expected them to come. Friendships happen naturally they're not forced and you shouldn't force them, if you click you click if you don't then you don't. They don't owe you anything.

Secondly you definitely shouldn't had given a big speech about it, I personally wouldn't have wanted to go to a party where I barely know anyone there.

Thirdly people can drop out of events and not give a reason, you can feel upset but you shouldn't get mad at them.

You probably should've accepted the apology and left it there

TLDR = be a doormat, OP

Tortoiseplayground · 09/08/2023 10:57

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 08:57

People cry in these situations because they've been caught out and confronted.

Or maybe she was crying because OP blamed her for everyone else's shitty behaviour, even though she was the only one with the decency to apologise in person?

I would probably cry in a similar situation as it would feel incredibly unfair and unjust that I was taking the blame for everyone else's actions. Especially if I'd been the only one with the decency to apologise too.

I should have put 'people OFTEN cry'. She felt bad, she knew it was wrong otherwise why apologise? I said the woman took the bullet for a collective rudeness and that's not great for her but in my opinion it sounds like this was the OPs only opportunity to voice her own feelings on the matter. Is that not acceptable?

GoingGoingUp · 09/08/2023 10:58

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 10:23

TLDR = be a doormat, OP

Show quote history

Having a go at the one person who was decent enough to apologise over WhatsApp and then apologise in person is hardly the way to stop being a doormat.

What did OP say to the other friends…

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 11:06

I said the woman took the bullet for a collective rudeness and that's not great for her but in my opinion it sounds like this was the OPs only opportunity to voice her own feelings on the matter. Is that not acceptable?

Well no, not really.

If she has an issue with how the other women behave she should have spoken to them about it, not let one person take all the flask.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 11:11

So as an adult woman in such a situation, you couldn’t have said something like “Well obviously I wasn’t the only one who dropped out, and I can’t speak for anyone else, but I AM genuinely sorry and now I know you’re out of pocket, I’ll happily reimburse you”?

What are you talking about? I never said I wouldn't offer to reimburse in that situation Confused

That would be a far more adult response than stamping your feet, crying and wailing “But everyone else dropped out too! Why is she being so mean to meeeee? It’s soooo unfaaaaair!!”

But she WAS treated unfairly. She shouldn't take the brunt of OP's anger just because she was the last one to drop out and the only one actually brave enough to say something to OP's face.

It’s just embarrassing that a grown woman would behave like that

Why is it embarrassing for a grown woman to be upset about taking the brunt of someone else's anger? The actions of the other women were nothing to do with her.

RenliBell · 09/08/2023 11:13

CherryMaDeara · 09/08/2023 10:23

TLDR = be a doormat, OP

Show quote history

How? She apologised twice and they're not her friends and don't actually owe anything to her. Not only that but she let one person take it all when all of DPs friends backed out. If she's going to have a go at people then they're all equally as guilty not just one person

FoodFann · 09/08/2023 11:43

Sorry OP, but I think YABU to expect women who are not your friends to commit to your birthday celebration when they get a ‘better offer’ as you put it, of attending a concert with their actual friends.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/08/2023 11:46

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 09/08/2023 11:11

So as an adult woman in such a situation, you couldn’t have said something like “Well obviously I wasn’t the only one who dropped out, and I can’t speak for anyone else, but I AM genuinely sorry and now I know you’re out of pocket, I’ll happily reimburse you”?

What are you talking about? I never said I wouldn't offer to reimburse in that situation Confused

That would be a far more adult response than stamping your feet, crying and wailing “But everyone else dropped out too! Why is she being so mean to meeeee? It’s soooo unfaaaaair!!”

But she WAS treated unfairly. She shouldn't take the brunt of OP's anger just because she was the last one to drop out and the only one actually brave enough to say something to OP's face.

It’s just embarrassing that a grown woman would behave like that

Why is it embarrassing for a grown woman to be upset about taking the brunt of someone else's anger? The actions of the other women were nothing to do with her.

It’s embarrassing that, rather than saying something, she did the whole “Boo hoo, poor me” routine and then got her boyfriend to sort it out.

cloudydays97 · 09/08/2023 11:47

FoodFann · 09/08/2023 11:43

Sorry OP, but I think YABU to expect women who are not your friends to commit to your birthday celebration when they get a ‘better offer’ as you put it, of attending a concert with their actual friends.

See I think that's just plain rude. Even if they did want to drop out why tell OP the reason?

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 09/08/2023 11:47

What are you talking about? I never said I wouldn't offer to reimburse in that situation

I never suggested otherwise. What are YOU talking about?

ReallyHan · 09/08/2023 11:56

The other women were in the wrong and it's reasonable to be upset at how they handled the invite. I can't believe they would all be so rude, to be honest.

They had no obligation to accept the invite and commit to their food/drink options, but they chose to do so, and they should have seen that through and attended the event. It was polite gesture to extend the invitation to them in the first place, in my opinion.

The comments saying that you were strangers and therefore they acted fairly are very strange to me. You've been in this outer circle for 3 years, and they're fully aware of who you are. While they may not be your close friends, they're not strangers. If they didn't feel close enough to you to attend the event they should never have accepted the invite in the first place.

As for the apology, I would have given some kudos but her reaction demonstrates to me it wasn't entirely genuine. An apology should be given to right a wrong, and it's the perfect opportunity for the person whose been affected to explain the impact that had on them. She should have taken that with grace and given you the time to express your feelings and take onboard the effect of her actions in earnest. instead, she was defensive which says to me it was more to rid her of the responsibility for her actions than show respect for your time/money/feelings.

By going to you direct, she should have expected to have been confronted with what she'd done and any hard feelings she has about having to take responsibility for the group should be directed at the others, she can take that up with them. Again, being the last one of the group to attend isn't an excuse in my opinion to pull out. She is an adult, she didn't need a chaperone and could have gone on to enjoy the event and meet some new people, but she chose to go the easy route and be rude in doing so.

Going forward I'd stand my ground with my partner on this and not expend any extra energy on these women beyond being polite and friendly in social situations that bring you together. They've demonstrated how they value you, you don't owe them more of your energy, but it's fair to keep the peace for everyone else involved.

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