I made DP's friend cry.

[Hugerag]

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

You’re right but there was no invitation stage. She just mass added them to a whatsapp

This is difficult. I think you have to stand up for yourself though. If they are willing to treat you so badly, they aren't interested in becoming friends anyway. At least now they respect you. Just be cordial from now on but have no expectations and don't make anymore effort.

I’m with you on this OP, had a similar situation for my 40th but with work colleagues, some of who I’d really gone out of my way to champion over the years. They had so many opportunities to get out it and some dropped out a few days before and some on the day. It’s significant that it’s a big birthday also, not a casual birthday get together. It’s really hurtful, flakey and inconsiderate. I don’t understand those underplaying the situation, of course it’s rude!

I’ve voted YABU but feel the need to explain myself. I don’t think you’re at all unreasonable to feel disappointed by having people accept the invitations and then drop out. However, I think you are unreasonable to have taken it on the one person who had the decency to apologise to you and, somewhat understandably, opted to bow out give that you’d be the only person she knew at the birthday party. I think you took it too far and were not gracious when she took the trouble to apologise. Far more appropriate to have accepted her apology and thanked her for doing so.

There seems to be quite a lot of closing ranks and group mentality here with this friendship group and I find it very strange that you haven’t developed friendships after three years. I just hope your partner isn’t influenced if they decide you’re persona non grata.

It’s taken me a long long time to realise that it’s ok to say what you feel as long as you do it politely and respectfully. It’s unfortunate that this woman has portrayed herself as a victim, but if the conversation went the way you said it did, you were being reasonable .
Anyone would be upset with the situation and it’s fine to express that. And soul destroying to feel you’ve got to creep around, accepting nasty and disrespectful behaviour and allowing it to continue. Hopefully the “friendship” group will think twice next time.
Or you can find some nice new friends!

Would just accept it as that you have your own friends, they have theirs, and hopefully you will gradually become closer with some of them. I've become friends with the 'wags' but it took many years and even now unless we meet in our usual get together of altogether not all come. Just the way it is, please don't it personally, your birthday celebration was an extra to their own lives. Xx

I’m so sorry. They seem the sort f people that are not wanted as friends. Is there jealousy by them going on? I think that your partner is unkind too,and disloyal to you.

I dont think you were unreasonable to express your disappointment, but it was unfair for you to direct it at just one of them.
Maybe saying it on the what's app group would have been more fair.

I think you were very reasonable and don’t understand all these people telling you, you were the one creating drama.

Just because someone apologises doesn’t mean they get to escape the consequences of their behaviour. She apologised most likely because she felt guilty and wanted to feel better. That’s not what an apology is for, it’s to make amends to the other person. If you explained the impact of the situation on you in the calm and assertive manner you’ve stated that is a very reasonable response. If someone has upset or inconvenienced you, they should take responsibility and understand how you may want to express your feelings. I am shocked by the number of people who think it is not acceptable to express disappointment at someone’s rude behaviour towards you, no wonder this country is so full of passive aggressive people. It’s not productive to pretend to accept a half-hearted apology when you’re still feeling aggrieved. It’s achieved nothing other then making the person apologising feel better, which is the exact opposite of what an apology should be about.

The suggestion it was unreasonable to respond only to her when they all dropped out is flawed as well. Firstly she was the worst behaved dropping out a couple of days before. Secondly she admitted she dropped out for no better reason then she had a better offer. Thirdly she is the one who brought it up, why apologise if you don’t accept that your behaviour was wrong and the other person has valid thoughts they may want to express on the situation. Did this apology at any point include her offering to recompense you for the food and drink you had bought for her? Or in any other make up for her rudeness? I imagine not and indicates what a pointless and shallow attempt it was, with the only aim of easing her conscience.

They sound like a group of arrogant individuals, who are not used to people standing up for themselves, who then resort to drama to distract from their actions. In many ways they have done you a favour in providing such a clear example of why you can’t and won’t want to be friends.

My main thoughts though are on your partner

• Why is he friends with such callous individuals?
• Why is he so keen for you to ingratiate yourself with his friends? Has he made the same effort with your friendship group? Has he tried to make this easier for you or just put an expectation on you?
• Why is he defending his friends partners who are creating drama, and accusing you of being the problem?
• How many of his friends did he contact and mention how them cancelling on you was causing problems?

I always think a sign of a great partner is that they will support you through all of life problems. The fact he is berating you and sticking up for his friends who are clearly in the wrong seems very poor.

Doubt they wanted to go anyway if you’re not friends with them so not surprised they dropped out. You shouldn’t expect anything from these women. Don’t have a go at her even when she took it upon herself to apologise again

It was a dumb idea of yours to have a party just for the women, but they did treat you like crap and your DH should recognise that.

I actually wonder if the party was a hen do, hence it being women only, favours, games, etc. OP claimed it was a big birthday but was also vague about it at the same time.

I don’t think people generally do favours on a hen do any more than they do on a birthday (unless the “favour” is a party bag and you’re 7!).

“I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!”
OP, I empathise with you, it hurts when others prioritise other things. However, it seems, from your words above, that you have spent your life prioritising the needs of others over your own needs and wishes, which leaves you more vulnerable and feeling more rejected when other people do put their own desires first. I do agree they should have handled this better, it was not kind, they should have been more honest with themselves and you from the beginning, or honoured their invitation and attended your party. However the older I get the more I truly believe we all have to live our lives for ourselves, not in order to please others. I used to be a people pleaser, and it brought me nothing but anxiety and the beginnings of resentment. I think you could explore why you are always so kind and don’t speak up for yourself, and perhaps start to put yourself first a little bit, then you might find you’re not so hurt when others do the same.
I do wonder about the woman who approached you to apologise, she put herself out there out of respect and kindness towards you, taking responsibility for her part in this, and I think in her shoes, I also would have been upset after an interaction like the one you describe.

Every hen I’ve been on has had favours / party bags. They usually include things like temporary tattoos, sweets, paracetamol for your hangover, mints, etc.

I have to disagree with a fair few on here and actually applaud you for sticking up for yourself. So many people these days just expect unreasonable behaviour to be swept under the carpet and when it’s not, they are the ones who act like the wounded party.
I take my hat off for you for trying with these people for the sake of your partner. A partner whom I would have hoped would thank you for your efforts and agree that you weren’t treated well xx

First of all your man sounds a wimp and he needs dumping pronto for not sticking up for all at all! Secondly the women sound like sour face bullies who I expect are jealous women who don’t like other women? And I do wonder what they all look like ? I’m guessing ugly inside as well as outside!
Run girl while you can (you want a man) he isn’t worth it and his friends aren’t either as he has shown you what he thinks which is more for them than you and you are only dating!

Oh dear OP. This is sad!…
I would tell your DP that THEY really upset you and ask why HE isn’t fighting your corner for you like this woman’s partner is for her!!! I’d also drop out of all socials for a while with these loosers!!
Id be pissed with DP though and tell him there is no drama as far as you’re concerned….. after all she’s the one going off crying !

Just because someone apologises doesn’t mean they get to escape the consequences of their behaviour. She apologised most likely because she felt guilty and wanted to feel better. That’s not what an apology is for, it’s to make amends to the other person.

Yes, I agree with this. This woman has apologised not because she recognises she had done something wrong, but to make herself feel better. That’s why, when OP made it clear she was still upset, she threw a strop and turned on the tears. She isn’t bothered whether the OP was upset or not - she just doesn’t want to come across badly herself.

They've made it clear. Don't hang around them in the future. They can be his friends, you can have your own separate group that deserves you. I'm honestly in shock with their behaviour and your partner not supporting you is baffling.

This is the reality. You'll either be readily accepted into a group, or you'll be peripheral. You don't get to choose. Whatever DP wants is irrelevant. I don't think the friend having tears over it will have helped your case.
Move on, make new friends for you both if you can.

They sound like a bunch of dicks, well done for standing up to them.

Haven't read the whole thread so not sure if this will be an unpopular opinion, or if it's been said before so apologies if it has, but..was the special birthday an 18th? Because quite frankly, everyone involved sounds pretty childish!

They should've been more upfront from the start about not wanting to go, but in my experience, this comes with age, and some people never stop making bad excuses instead of just being honest. It was nice of the one woman to come up to you and apologise and pretty shitty of the others not to do so. However, you should have never expected them all to come in the first place, sending the invite was nice of you and it was really bad that they left it so late to pull out, but honestly don't understand why you felt the need to invite them if it was an event that didn't involve your DP/their DP just because your partner wants you to make an effort! I get that you're eager to form this strong bond and big friendship group, but again in my experience, this rarely works much past high school age. It's extremely rare to find that many people that all get along! Getting so upset about it to the point you didn't just accept the apology from the woman, seems a bit much, given they aren't YOUR friends and don't really owe you anything (though I do understand it's frustrating given the time and money you spent). As for your DP l, it sounds like he's more bothered about his friends partner being upset than you and needs to reassess his priorities. I wonder, do you expect him to make as much effort with YOUR friends to the point he invited their partners to things that you and your friends aren't even going to? Think your DP might be the main issue here if I'm honest, but its hard to tell from just hearing your perspective.

It's nice that you want to make an effort for your DP's sake, but it's clear there's never going to be a strong bond between you and the other partners and that's ok. Realising that will save you lots of time in stress and upset. In the future, be nice and pleasant, attend the events you WANT to attend with them and don't go to the ones you don't want to and don't get upset if they don't want to attend your events either. Remember they aren't your friends, see them more as friendly acquaintances.

The women did not want to come to the party for whatever reason, possibly because they don't know you that well and may have thought it awkward?

My DH has a big circle of friends and I only hand out with partners in a group all together, I think that's pretty usual.

Although I think you're right to be annoyed If people let you down, I think they probably found it hard to tell you they didn't want to go. They probably should have just said from the start though.

Although, I think they apologised and that should be enough. I probably would have kept my other feelings to myself if your whole intention was to make friends.

Finally, I think it's pretty weird your DP's friend would send a text like that. Your both grown women and can discuss it yourselves. My DH would never do anything like that if I had a disagreement with one of his friends partners. All very odd!

Every hen do I've been to had a little party bag with sweets/snacks/paracetamol/plasters etc