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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I made DP's friend cry.

550 replies

Hugerag · 07/08/2023 21:26

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

OP posts:
ReformedWaywardTeen · 08/08/2023 18:28

He has just shown you that even after 3 years you will never be as important to him as his friends. You will never have equal footing or place in his life.

That would be a deal breaker for me. And his friends sound like tossers. Run!

GoingGoingUp · 08/08/2023 18:34

ReformedWaywardTeen · 08/08/2023 18:28

He has just shown you that even after 3 years you will never be as important to him as his friends. You will never have equal footing or place in his life.

That would be a deal breaker for me. And his friends sound like tossers. Run!

Not really - you can think your partner has behaved inappropriately and tell them about it. You do have to have your partner’s back at all times. One of the elements of a relationship is being honest with each other…

Ifeelsuchafool · 08/08/2023 18:36

They're beyond rude.
If they didn't want to come they should have rsvp'd "Thanks so much for the invitation but, sadly, I have a previous engagement. I hope you have a wonderful time, many happy returns." And then sent you a card!
They have no manners and no class. They are the ones who have behaved like spoilt six year olds, accepting and then dropping out when a better offer comes along, despite having already ordered food is selfishness at its best!

ReformedWaywardTeen · 08/08/2023 18:41

GoingGoingUp · 08/08/2023 18:34

Not really - you can think your partner has behaved inappropriately and tell them about it. You do have to have your partner’s back at all times. One of the elements of a relationship is being honest with each other…

Show quote history

Yet he seems to have been strangely quiet on the outright blatant rudeness of the friends partners.

To me, I feel like the dropping out one after the other was deliberate and calculated. Especially when they knew the trouble you'd gone to.

It's such poor manners whatever way it was done or whatever reason.

And the fact the partner will then bitch at OP because she dares to do as he should have and stick up for herself, and say, actually, no it wasn't OK and I'm not happy about it?

Nope.

Sunnydays0101 · 08/08/2023 18:44

Perhaps you made too much of a deal with your party - asking for drink orders in advance, mentioning handmade favours, WhatsApp chat about it, etc!

A simpler party where you invited male and female friends and family, throw in some part food and perhaps a DJ and a round or two of drinks and it would have been less hassle.

Perhaps most of the women didn’t actually know one another well enough to party with them/wanted to do something with their un-invited partner that night, etc.

GoingGoingUp · 08/08/2023 18:44

ReformedWaywardTeen · 08/08/2023 18:41

Yet he seems to have been strangely quiet on the outright blatant rudeness of the friends partners.

To me, I feel like the dropping out one after the other was deliberate and calculated. Especially when they knew the trouble you'd gone to.

It's such poor manners whatever way it was done or whatever reason.

And the fact the partner will then bitch at OP because she dares to do as he should have and stick up for herself, and say, actually, no it wasn't OK and I'm not happy about it?

Nope.

Show quote history

Yeah it’s definitely on the DP for pushing a friendship when it’s clear the OP isn’t that integrated.

But the friends dropping out isn’t necessarily calculated. Just sounds like they weren’t that keen and once one dropped out, the others followed suit.

LaDamaDeElche · 08/08/2023 18:45

You’re not out of order for speaking your mind and she isn’t unreasonable for getting upset by it. At the end of the day they aren’t your friends, they’re not even really your DP’s friends, they’re partners of his friends. I probably wouldn’t have said anything and just not invited them to things in the future, unless it included couples. However, when your DP tells you how he wants to to integrate yourself into his group more, perhaps highlight how you did try and how it panned out. He is being unreasonable to be angry with you though, and it sounds as if he values his friends opinions and feelings more than yours.

Inwiththenew · 08/08/2023 18:48

What a horrible situation for you to be in, they sound like an unpleasant bunch of friends. All of them slowly dropping out like that ….it’s very suspect. Sounds like your partner needs to stick up for you.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/08/2023 18:52

Hugerag · 07/08/2023 22:49

@porridgeisbae Thanks for your posts, but I'm not intense nor was I particularly keen to be friends with them in the first place. I have my own friends who are lovely and would never behave like this (nor would I). I wanted to make an effort because it would have been nice to be closer to these women, as we all see each other a lot at various socials - at least a couple of times a month - and I saw how important it was to DP.

I was upset that they'd let me waste my time, effort and money to all drop out, it does seem coordinated and bitchy... not because I was desperate to be their friend but because I find it to be incredibly rude and hurtful.

Firstly I voted YANBU because I think it is good to be honest and stand up for yourself and you were quite rightly upset.
BUT.
I think that the woman who came up and apologised has borne the brunt of all the others who didn't turn up and didn't apologise.
She actually did what you say the other's didn't. She texted apology and she came up to say so in person, so whilst assertion is good, I think it was directly at the wrong person. I think this person was genuinely sorry and not rude and coming up to apologise to you and getting shirty response wasn't fair to her.

Also I think you need to look at your DP's attitude here. He was the one pressing you to invite these women, you were not that bothered about making friends with them initially - they may have picked up on that.
"I saw how important it was to DP"
DP watched you go ahead and spend money, time and effort but didn't let on that there was a chance these women were not coming.
DP Didn't back you up either which was very poor. Why were you footing the entire bill to invite DP's friends to an elaborate party. Where was DP's contribution? A casual arrangement which didn't cost you would have been a much better idea.
You seem to be quite worried about pleasing DP and going against your own natural inclinations. I would stop that if I were you as its backfired spectacularly.

If you want to put things to rights, be as brave as the concert goer and apologise to her. She's probably the one who most understood how you felt. Plus it wouldn't do you any good to keep carrying this around. You will keep seeing these women several times a month, so if you want to and only if YOU want to, forget this hiccough and make some in roads into getting to know them.

But in general, I'd stick to seeing your own friends who are nice to you. How much effort does DP make with them?

SemynonA · 08/08/2023 18:54

In some way, the worst of this thread is that so many had a go at OP for accepting the apology but opening up about the cost of their incorrect behaviours.

If accepting an apology only means saying "it's all good" then the person was not truly apologising but pretending to.

Alas a lot of immature people love to see themselves as good people just for not doing anything massively wrong and cannot be pointed to their failings without them then projecting the blame on you. That's typical of "respectable people", which I systematically stay away from. I'd rather spend time with thugs because at least I'd know where I stand with them and wouldn't feel hurt in my feelings if I was going home to realise that they stole my wallet, fair enough xD

If you apologise for something, it means that you did something wrong (else why are you apologising?), so you acknowledge that the person might need to process it before truly forgiving you.
You also should be aware that "I accept your apology" doesn't mean "I forgive you", and that in between those two steps, what expects you, is the person's grief. Listen to it emphatically, recognise how your behaviour has impacted them, and then they will forgive you.
You'll only deserve to be forgiven if you accepted in turn the person's grief; (apologise AND make amends, that is what you do when you regret what you did).

That maturity, of holding oneself truly accountable, and remaining empathetic to the other's grief, is what builds solid relationships. In social relationships it's easy to start off on the wrong foot, but nothing tells you more if someone is decent with you and deserving your time and energy than the way they manage the consequences of having started off the wrong foot.

That woman had a golden opportunity to make a friend, and she acted as a child. I think it's not surprising considering the behaviour of the group of friends as a whole.

We don't choose our family, but we do choose our friends. The way a man's friends treat his partner is quite telling of who the man himself is and how he treats his partner. Alas, this seems confirmed by the fact that he was unhappy with OP for causing this immature woman to cry, rather than being unhappy with his immature friends for not treating his partner correctly to begin with.

OP, your DP's friends behaviour towards you reveals that your partner must not quite have the same values and beliefs as the ones you hold dear. It might seem not too much an issue for the time being, and might never become one, however, for having committed that naive mistake, I would always advise to never have to raise a child with someone who does not share your core values and beliefs. Love can overcome any difference (wealth, age, race..), but it doesn't transform the way you see right and wrong, and children pay a great price for having parents who disagree on this.

Cazareeto1 · 08/08/2023 18:54

Hugerag · 07/08/2023 21:26

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

I think DP has to put you before his friends wife’s feelings.. they upset you and he should have your back on this. That is how strong relationship is made being there and protecting each other. Try and put him in your shoes and say if he had tried to make effort with ur friend’s husband’s.. and they did that. I think the last one who pulled out probably the only decent one of them should maybe talk to her and apologise as she seems to have taken the brunt of it. I think the take away is, you are never going to be close to these women best keeping on a hi how are you, crappy conversation and not to expect or want closeness with them. But I think voicing how they made you feel to DP might be an eye opener for him.

AndreaWindow · 08/08/2023 18:59

You're free to do or say what you want, and smack people with truthbombs if that's important to you, but that's not the way to forge new friendships. You didn't really know them anyway and you've come across as over-the-top intense. They aren't likely to want to get to know you in the future. But you may not care, in which case, c'est la vie.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 08/08/2023 18:59

SayingwhatIreallythink · 07/08/2023 21:30

I think it’s one of the occasions when you should have just kept your feelings to yourself for the sake of friendships going forward.

Why should she?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/08/2023 19:02

Not read the full thread but the idea of a 40th party for only female friends, many of whom are your partner's friends' partners, is the wierdest thing I've ever heard. I can almost understand it if it was a hen party. I'm trying to think of a parellel situation in my own life. That would be like my DH's friend's wife inviting just me to her female only big birthday party and I can't imagine she would ever do that. She might invite us to her birthday party as a couple. But it's really odd to only make it one sex TBH. I really can't understand the need.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 08/08/2023 19:04

heatherheathe · 08/08/2023 18:20

why would it be doomed to fail? People manage to successfully host big celebrations all the time. Even in this case, it sounds like everyone else OP invited and agreed to come managed to make it, just these women who were rude and dropped out.

You keep acting as if a) OP sprung it being an organised big celebration on these women once they'd already agreed and completely changed the original plan, when in actual fact she's said that she made it very clear when she added them to the whatsapp group what it was going to consist of rather than pretending it was just a casual get together.

and b) that pre-ordering food and drinks is indicative of some sort of overtly controlling, kardashian-esque excess rather than being completely normal for any sort of get together with more than a few people. Since covid/cost of living even the bog standard pubs near me get you to put deposits down per person/order in advance for anything more than a standard nuclear family group. It's really not abnormal or indicative of OP going OTT.

Show quote history

Because these women aren't OP's friends. She only knows them because they're the partners of her partners friends.

IMO it's bizarre to have invited them in the first place.

I've also never once attended a birthday party where I had to pre-order all my food and drink in advance. At a wedding, sure, but not a birthday party.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 08/08/2023 19:05

Inwiththenew · 08/08/2023 18:48

What a horrible situation for you to be in, they sound like an unpleasant bunch of friends. All of them slowly dropping out like that ….it’s very suspect. Sounds like your partner needs to stick up for you.

But they're not her friends.

They're her partners friends' partners.

Hihellogoodbye · 08/08/2023 19:09

good on you for standing up for yourself. I get why you feel hurt. Quite rude to be fair to accept an invite and then say you got a better offer and decided to take that instead.
A few years ago my sister in law decided that going for a bike ride was more important than attending my hen do- which showed how much she really cared but at least she didn’t pretend to like me.
so ask you DH what’s more important their feelings or you.

diddl · 08/08/2023 19:09

Why is your partner so desperate for you to be friends with them?

If you get/got on well enough with them when you are out with him also why isn't that enough?

You have your own friends!

I'd be pissed off with him & more so with myself for not telling him no!

WhereshallIwander · 08/08/2023 19:09

They sound shallow and emotionally unstable tbh. You probably had a lucky escape.
Make your own friends OP. Even if you hadn't told them straight, I doubt you would've become best of friends after the let down.

They really shouldn't have said they were coming if they didn't want to.

Sunnydays0101 · 08/08/2023 19:09

SemynonA · 08/08/2023 18:54

In some way, the worst of this thread is that so many had a go at OP for accepting the apology but opening up about the cost of their incorrect behaviours.

If accepting an apology only means saying "it's all good" then the person was not truly apologising but pretending to.

Alas a lot of immature people love to see themselves as good people just for not doing anything massively wrong and cannot be pointed to their failings without them then projecting the blame on you. That's typical of "respectable people", which I systematically stay away from. I'd rather spend time with thugs because at least I'd know where I stand with them and wouldn't feel hurt in my feelings if I was going home to realise that they stole my wallet, fair enough xD

If you apologise for something, it means that you did something wrong (else why are you apologising?), so you acknowledge that the person might need to process it before truly forgiving you.
You also should be aware that "I accept your apology" doesn't mean "I forgive you", and that in between those two steps, what expects you, is the person's grief. Listen to it emphatically, recognise how your behaviour has impacted them, and then they will forgive you.
You'll only deserve to be forgiven if you accepted in turn the person's grief; (apologise AND make amends, that is what you do when you regret what you did).

That maturity, of holding oneself truly accountable, and remaining empathetic to the other's grief, is what builds solid relationships. In social relationships it's easy to start off on the wrong foot, but nothing tells you more if someone is decent with you and deserving your time and energy than the way they manage the consequences of having started off the wrong foot.

That woman had a golden opportunity to make a friend, and she acted as a child. I think it's not surprising considering the behaviour of the group of friends as a whole.

We don't choose our family, but we do choose our friends. The way a man's friends treat his partner is quite telling of who the man himself is and how he treats his partner. Alas, this seems confirmed by the fact that he was unhappy with OP for causing this immature woman to cry, rather than being unhappy with his immature friends for not treating his partner correctly to begin with.

OP, your DP's friends behaviour towards you reveals that your partner must not quite have the same values and beliefs as the ones you hold dear. It might seem not too much an issue for the time being, and might never become one, however, for having committed that naive mistake, I would always advise to never have to raise a child with someone who does not share your core values and beliefs. Love can overcome any difference (wealth, age, race..), but it doesn't transform the way you see right and wrong, and children pay a great price for having parents who disagree on this.

But maybe this woman didn’t want to make a friend ? Perhaps the closer she got to the party, she realised she would only know the hostess and realised it wasn’t an evening/event for her - she sent her apologies and apologised in person and got her head bitten off. It’s going to deep to analyse exactly what an apology is and how it should be received.

Makemineacosmo · 08/08/2023 19:19

Why even bother with these people? If they're not your friends after this amount of time they won't be now. They were rude anyway, I wouldn't give them the time of day.

DinnaeFashYersel · 08/08/2023 19:27

Did you say your piece to each of them - or just to the one who actually made an in-person apology?

(They were all in the wrong, not just her)

Tigertigertigertiger · 08/08/2023 19:34

people should really be brave enough to say no to invitations to parties they don’t want to go to , as opposed to saying yes then dropping out.

I wouldn’t want to go to a birthday party of my partner’s friend’s girlfriend so I’d decline the invitation from the get go.

the women in your partner’s friends group didn’t want to go to the party but were too polite to say so straight away

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 08/08/2023 19:38

These are rude people who will never be your friend. Who accepts an invitation, orders dinner and drinks then backs out last minute? Why not just say thanks but prior engagement on being asked. DH should have supported you when you told the one who apologised how you felt. He should have said to his friend whose partner cried that it was rude of her and the others to let you down last minute.

I'd stay away, and be polite and friendly but distant at any events where you run into that group again. Let them come to you if they want your company, and if they don't, no loss to you.

Just plain bad manners to bail on you like that. But it's DH who needs watching..

BabyEl · 08/08/2023 19:39

Sunnydays0101 · 08/08/2023 18:44

Perhaps you made too much of a deal with your party - asking for drink orders in advance, mentioning handmade favours, WhatsApp chat about it, etc!

A simpler party where you invited male and female friends and family, throw in some part food and perhaps a DJ and a round or two of drinks and it would have been less hassle.

Perhaps most of the women didn’t actually know one another well enough to party with them/wanted to do something with their un-invited partner that night, etc.

Totally this