I made DP's friend cry.

[Hugerag]

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

my DH would have replied to his friend that his gf had upset his wife first by accepting a better offer rather than going to a catered for expensive pre-commitment. And left it at that. He would not have told me.

In your shoes, OP, i would be rethinking my relationship a bit, do you want to be part of this social circle where you are, at best, tolerated? I would step right back from all of them and leave DP to do the socialising with his friends.

And see how that affects your relationship - then decide if it's worth it or not.

No me neither, specially where you need to order a drink and have it paid for in advance. I mean really, you need to pain for your gin and tonic weeks before. Weird. Sure if a host orders wine for the table or something, but that’s not what she said. So hence why I am not sure she paid for their drinks and food.

I think this here is your problem. They were never your friends anyway and you can't push friendship on people. It was probably a mistake to invite people you don't really know that well anyway. Any idea why his friends don't really want to make an effort to get to know you? That could be the real issue.

Then they could have backed out without committing?

Like hell should OP apologise. As another PP said above, apologies are not a get out of jail card.

And where did the 38th birthday come from? Are you one of the people involved?

I think she was particularly annoyed at that person as it was very last minute? More so than the others.

I fail to see how they're bullying her?

They don't know OP well and people's time is precious, no one is entitled to it. They didn't want to go and you made it clear you're not close with them anyway so why would you want them at your 40th? Surely it'd be awkward for everyone

I think she was particularly annoyed at that person as it was very last minute? More so than the others.

Yeah I get that, but at least she had the balls to speak to OP face-to-face and apologise. She's also not responsible for the actions of everyone else.

I also think it's understandable that she dropped out as she'd have been completely on her own not knowing anyone except OP.

Read all of your updates.

I think YANBU at all to be upset at the way they all dropped out.

YABU to single out the one who properly apologised for a rant though. She didn’t deserve that.

I think with groups, once one or two start dropping out then inevitably they all will, as they don’t want to be the one left “holding the baby”, ie obliged to go as they are the last - and in this case singled out for a telling off! It’s shitty that people do this but not uncommon

Then they could have backed out without committing?

It reads me to like they'd already committed by ordering food/drink before realising what it actually entailed.

I also don't think it's particularly rude to drop out from attending a birthday party weeks in advance 🤷‍♀️

YANBU. They should have politely declined to begin with. However I think you can now take it as a given that closer friendships with these women will not be happening.

I agree with a pps that it is unfortunate that the one person to apologise gets the mouth full, but equally it really riles me that people behave badly but when they get called out they cry and try to turn it around. Why should OP feel a need to apologise when it is the others who crapped on her.
if you accept an invitation you go, don’t get tearful for being called to account!

What did you think would happen?

The arent your friends and they dont want to be. Just stay friendly with your own friends. Most adults dont have one big his&hers friendship group.

Dont spend money in things you cant afford to lose out on.

There is literally zero chance of integrating now as you were rude to the one that actually spoke up in person.

But the whole point of a face to face apology being gutsy is that the apologised-to doesn't always smile and pretend it doesn't matter at all and send the apologiser skipping off feeling good about herself. If that was so, apologising would take no guts at all and a brief ungenuine "Soz hun" would be an infallible reset to zero, no further effort needed, get out of jail free card.

I think, reading lots and lots of MN posts about children, parties and invitations that in particular, but also generally here: people have lost the art of being polite and having good manners.

In this case, OP should have stood up to her rude DP and said "nope, my party, my friends" and left it at that

After 3 years of trying to make friends, OP should politely decline any and all events with any and all of these people, without being rude, but at the time the invitation is given

"DP" should always have OPs back. Even if it is to say to his mate "I'm sure OP doesn't see it like that" (if he thinks she's in the wrong) Or "well it was bloody rude of your gf, it was the straw that broke the camels back" or something

But if i were OP? (i am hugely petty) I'd let them think i was going to be at events, then just not go.

The biggest problem here, as other pp have identified, is the DP. He sounds like a bit of a controlling idiot.

you could have graciously said something like ….. thanks for the personal apology Jane, that means a lot, I was so disappointed that none of the group could make it…

this response would have been ideal, appreciating her apology but stating your upset. I suspect this woman could be one of the warmer kinder ones who might actually make a nice friend. Its not ok that this one woman has taken the bolloxing you wanted to give the group.

personally I’d text the female partner directly and say ‘I'm sorry I've you upset you, I really did appreciate the apology but was far too honest about my feelings

Ita all just a bit sill. dp pushed you to invite them, they accepted out of obligation to do and now there is a big unnecessary mess.

If you arent already on DM/texting terms with these women, here was noway they were going to prioritise your party.

It's a tough life lesson. Apologise. Stick with your own friends. Make small talk while you are out.

This has the air of you not having your own friends or you/dp thinking that a Friends-style group of friends is typical. Most people dont hang out in a big group after their 21st.

YANBU X

You’ve done nothing wrong.

if anyone deserved to cry and go running to their DP to have it raised and made a fuss of, it’s you.

you’ve stood up for yourself - good for you! Clearly need to do more of that. they were shitty.

id step back. Way back and make sure they all knew why tbh.

Personally I wouldn’t go to anything else where they are, and I’d be reconsidering my relationship. If he doesn’t have your back over this what else won’t he stand up for you about.

Groups of women together can be so nasty

Depends if you want to fix this. I think they were all rude to accept and then drop out, but you were wrong to load all your resentment onto the one person who actually apologised. She was understandably shocked and embarrassed by your reaction. I think you should contact her, apologise for making her the scapegoat but also explain how hurt you were by everyone’s behaviour. She might understand, and she might communicate that to the other women in the group.

if I’m honest though, I think they don’t see you as part of their friendship group and your DP is wrong to expect you to force this. It’s like those mothers who put their children together because they want to maintain a friendship for themselves and then doesn’t understand why the kids can’t play nicely.

Your intentions were good, OP, and I agree that they were rude. But they really didn't fancy going to your party, probably because they don't know you that well. I'd probably just try and forget and move on, to save future awkwardness.

I'd be concerned that your partner is blind to their rudness and didn't have your back
I wouldn't have anything to do with them anymore and I'd reevaluate whether my relationship was working for me

I meant to add OP that I probably wouldn’t fancy going to a party where the hostess was not my friend, but a friends’s partner, but if I knew others in my friendship group had been invited I would have recognised the gesture and made an effort. They were rude and bitchy to cancel and I’m sorry you had that disappointment.

Wishing you a very happy big birthday. I spent a big birthday alone in lockdown, which was upsetting, so I feel your pain. I had just moved into my flat after losing a parent, and nobody even knocked on the door to see how I was. I notice this much more since I moved back to the city from the countryside, where the opposite was true. People can be really unfriendly, especially when you are new to a group. Take heart, they just need to get used to you.

Isn’t apology woman’s drop out arguably worse, as it was last minute and it was clearly for a better offer, thus making the OP feel devalued. The others dropping out in the weeks running up to the event (while shit if money was spent on them on their request for food etc), would at least allow the OP to make some adjustments to her plan. Maybe not so with this particular guest. As pp have said, an apology is not a true apology if the expectation on the person apologising is a free pass. It should be an acknowledgement that you have done something wrong, and a willingness to take it on the chin if it not accepted. The apologising woman wants forgiveness, which is a totally different thing. You can accept that someone is sorry, but you don’t need to forgive them. That’s the situation here. The tears are because the OP has failed to dissipate this woman’s guilt and make her feel better about herself. It’s a form of DARVO.

Having said that, OP can tell her “D”P that she’s tried with his friends by inviting them, they’ve knocked her back, so enough with him forcing the friendship on her or making her feel guilty. It’s perfectly possible to be in a relationship and have different friendship groups. If he doesn’t like it, he either needs to make more effort to ensure she’s included, or decide whether this relationship is really more important to him than his mates.