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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I made DP's friend cry.

550 replies

Hugerag · 07/08/2023 21:26

I have been with DP for 3 years, and he has a large social group who he has been friends with for decades. In the 3 years I have been with DP, I have always made an effort with his friends and their partners, and really hoped that as time went on my friendship with them would improve and I'd become more integrated into their group as opposed to being on the periphery.

Two weeks ago, It was my birthday party, and to avoid outing myself, it was quite a big birthday (think 40th). The birthday party was very girly and was only for the women in my life. I set up a group chat on WhatsApp to tell everyone the details of the party, including the venue, catering, drinks orders, games etc I had planned. I invited all of my DP's friends partners, despite not knowing them all that well. I invited them because I wanted to make an effort to be a part of their group and because of DP, who also wants me to become a larger part of his friendship circle. Gradually, over the weeks leading up the party, all of DP's friends partners dropped out... even though by that point they knew that I had spent time, effort and money in catering and drinks orders preparing for them to come. I started to get quite upset, but the final straw was when it was down to the final invitee, who only a few days before my birthday, told me that she had unexpectedly been given tickets to a concert on the same weekend as my party, so she was going to go to that instead. She sent me a text message apologising. It later turned out that she went to the concert with another one of the women in the friendship circle who had also been invited but had dropped out earlier.

Yesterday, DP and I went to a BBQ with the friendship circle. The woman who had dropped out at the last minute because she had been given concert tickets came up to me and apologised to me in person. I told her that I accepted her apology and we'd all move on, however, I was disappointed and upset that none of the women in the group had made the effort to come, I'd spent a lot of time and money which she was aware of having been on the WhatsApp group, and I found it quite rude that she'd dropped out at the last minute because she'd got a better offer. She seemed quite taken aback and the conversation ended there.

Today, DP received a text message from his friend, explaining that I'd really upset his partner and made her cry! DP is now annoyed with me and thinks I am creating unnecessary tension and drama. I am sticking to my opinion that it is me that should be upset with all of them and that I am the person who has been wronged. I'm forever being polite and kind and not speaking up for myself, this is one of the only times in my life that I have actually been assertive!

AIBU?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2023 08:50

YWNBU to be annoyed given you'd spent money on them, but you are being naive to expect to be able to say something like this without squashing any potential for friendship and/or being integrated into your DH's friendship group without it being awkward going forward.

HeckyPeck · 08/08/2023 08:50

There is literally zero chance of integrating now as you were rude to the one that actually spoke up in person.

I'd say there's zero chance of integration now because they were remarkably rude to OP by dropping out of the party at the last minute for a better offer.

If they didn't want to go, they should have just said no at the start or at the very least before putting in orders for food!

saraclara · 08/08/2023 08:51

if anyone deserved to cry and go running to their DP to have it raised and made a fuss of, it’s you.

A huge assumption there that the other person 'went running...' and wanted her DH to raise it and have a fuss made of her. Her DH might just have noticed that she was looking shocked and upset, asked why, and she teared up telling him about it. She might also not have a clue that he said anything to OP's DH, nor wanted him to.

GoingGoingUp · 08/08/2023 08:51

I’m curious as to how much money OP actually lost. Giving a few days notice is hardly last minute and for most restaurants and caterers, would have been enough time to cancel their order. The others drop outs shouldn’t have cost OP any money either, apart from the favours maybe.

People are allowed to drop out of an event. It’s shit at times, but no one is obliged to go.

Paq · 08/08/2023 08:52

Tbh dropping out at the last minute not because you were ill but because you had a better offer is next level rude and I don't believe anyone would be blasé about it.

I'm glad you have some real friends OP.

GoingGoingUp · 08/08/2023 08:52

HeckyPeck · 08/08/2023 08:50

There is literally zero chance of integrating now as you were rude to the one that actually spoke up in person.

I'd say there's zero chance of integration now because they were remarkably rude to OP by dropping out of the party at the last minute for a better offer.

If they didn't want to go, they should have just said no at the start or at the very least before putting in orders for food!

How is it a last minute drop out when they all dropped out one by one and the final drop out was a few days before the party?

Paq · 08/08/2023 08:56

GoingGoingUp · 08/08/2023 08:51

I’m curious as to how much money OP actually lost. Giving a few days notice is hardly last minute and for most restaurants and caterers, would have been enough time to cancel their order. The others drop outs shouldn’t have cost OP any money either, apart from the favours maybe.

People are allowed to drop out of an event. It’s shit at times, but no one is obliged to go.

Does it matter the exact amount? It was OP's birthday, she made plans and then had to faff about changing them because someone got a better offer and ditched her.

If someone posted here: "I'm going to the party of an acquaintance, she's put a lot of effort into the event as it's a special birthday for her but my other mate has got concert tickets, AIBU to bin her off knowing it will cause her some hassle and possibly lose money?" What would people say?

Velvian · 08/08/2023 08:57

I'd be pretty passed off with your DP if I were you, op. This is where his meddling in your social life has got to.

What an uncomfortable situation for all the women involved.

GoingGoingUp · 08/08/2023 08:59

Paq · 08/08/2023 08:56

Does it matter the exact amount? It was OP's birthday, she made plans and then had to faff about changing them because someone got a better offer and ditched her.

If someone posted here: "I'm going to the party of an acquaintance, she's put a lot of effort into the event as it's a special birthday for her but my other mate has got concert tickets, AIBU to bin her off knowing it will cause her some hassle and possibly lose money?" What would people say?

Show quote history

It does matter, because the last drop out who was rude to drop out for a better offer is made the scapegoat for all the other drop outs, who gave OP much more notice. It’s massively unfair to have a go at her when we don’t know the details.

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2023 09:02

I think we are getting quite a one sided story here.

That's how forums work...

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 08/08/2023 09:03

It must have really hurt when they dropped out, I’d hate that happening to me too. Hope you had a lovely birthday without them Flowers

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2023 09:03

Velvian · 08/08/2023 08:57

I'd be pretty passed off with your DP if I were you, op. This is where his meddling in your social life has got to.

What an uncomfortable situation for all the women involved.

^^This

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/08/2023 09:04

It’s going to be a bit #awkward around them for the foreseeable op, that’s for sure. Regardless of fault. At least you know where you stand with them now.

Valeriekat · 08/08/2023 09:06

Why is your partner so insistent that you suck up to these horrible women? Dump him, he cares more about them than you.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 08/08/2023 09:07

Velvian · 08/08/2023 08:57

I'd be pretty passed off with your DP if I were you, op. This is where his meddling in your social life has got to.

What an uncomfortable situation for all the women involved.

Yeah I kind of agree with this tbh.

He shouldn't have persuaded you to invite them in the first place - they're not your friends so it was always going to be awkward even if they did turn up.

GoingGoingUp · 08/08/2023 09:08

I also don’t think it’s right to assume it must have been coordinated. Chances are that they were not keen to attend the birthday of their partner’s friend’s partner, someone they don’t really know. Usually, once the first person cancels on something, others follow.

I actually think it was the last drop out who was the nicest (as evident by her in person apology) because she stayed until near the end - but probably didn’t want to go to a party where she knew no one so the concert was the perfect excuse.

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 09:15

GoingGoingUp · 08/08/2023 09:08

I also don’t think it’s right to assume it must have been coordinated. Chances are that they were not keen to attend the birthday of their partner’s friend’s partner, someone they don’t really know. Usually, once the first person cancels on something, others follow.

I actually think it was the last drop out who was the nicest (as evident by her in person apology) because she stayed until near the end - but probably didn’t want to go to a party where she knew no one so the concert was the perfect excuse.

I agree. I can imagine watching this play out with games and favours being added into the mix and thinking “Nah, I’m not ten. I really don’t want to do this”. It’s not as if anyone dropped out the day before.

floribunda18 · 08/08/2023 09:18

I think you were very rude and you sound like hard work, OP, YABU. You haven't been "wronged", you muppet. She is also being unreasonable for complaining about you through her partner, and not tackling you at the time. I'd have told you to stop being a mardy cow there and then.

But you don't know these women very well- of course they would drop out of your party if they got a "better offer" like concert tickets - do you know how difficult it is and expensive to see some artists? She came up and spoke to you about it especially and your response should have been "No problem - enjoy the concert."

If it was a close friend that would be different, and rude of them. But they don't know you, and wouldn't have got to know you at a big birthday bash when you are there with good mates. And they might well have been busy already or quite rightly prioritise people who are actually they mates or family over you.

Much better to get to know them organically through meals out and so on where you can have a good chat. Not that it's likely to happen now as they all think you are a pain in the arse.

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 08/08/2023 09:18

The arent your friends and they dont want to be

Then OP's dp shouldn't be such a wet blanket. He should have her back and tell them that whether they intended to or not this is how they've made her feel. He should accept that she doesn't owe them shit from now on and firmly shut down any conversation that suggests otherwise.

OP you need to clearly tell your dp the above then wash your hands of all socialising with this group. If it spoils your relationship then at least you're finding out early where his loyalties lie

GoingGoingUp · 08/08/2023 09:22

Blossomtoes · 08/08/2023 09:15

I agree. I can imagine watching this play out with games and favours being added into the mix and thinking “Nah, I’m not ten. I really don’t want to do this”. It’s not as if anyone dropped out the day before.

Show quote history

Exactly. As people on MN often say in relation to weddings, it’s an invite, not a summons. The only person who looks like they did anything wrong was the last person to drop out, and that was with a few days notice and sincere apologies. Yes she dropped out for a better offer, but the alternative was going to a party where she didn’t know anyone.

Paddingtonthebear · 08/08/2023 09:23

I would message the woman and say sorry for making her cry and that you were just rather hurt and frustrated that so many from that friendship group had cancelled. Just to clear the air. You don’t need to be cast as the bad person in all of this. Then I would tell your husband that he should stop trying to put the onus on you to make friends with these people when they have been quite clear they aren’t interested, and he should be feeling annoyed on your behalf for their rudeness towards you not the other way around. If I was him I’d be feeling really quite embarrassed and awkward that my friends would do this to my partner and would have told them all so.

Skinthin · 08/08/2023 09:23

howsaboutit · 07/08/2023 21:40

OP, I can understand why you’d feel hurt. You’ve taken the time and effort to try to forge friendships with your partner’s friends’ partners and unfortunately it hasn’t been welcomed in the way that you’d have liked.
With that, you have to understand that those friendships are not yet formed and they don’t owe you anything. They don’t have to attend a party because you’ve invited them. To politely turn down the invite is ok, whatever reason they have for doing so. I think the final friend that dropped out may have been more inclined to do so because the others weren’t going so of all of them I’d actually have less of an issue with her. You say you don’t know any of them particularly well but expected one of them to come to the party alone, to spend time with a party group who I’m assuming you’d know very well. I’m not surprised she dropped out too.
She was also the one that made the effort to apologise to you in person and then she received the backlash that none of them went. I don’t think that’s fair and I’m not surprised this upset her.

What are you on about? Of course it’s ok to politely decline an invitation, but to accept an invitation, allow time and money to be spent on you , then drop out at last minute is exceptionally rude.
OP doesn’t have to be put on a show and deny her own experience to make this woman feel better about her shitty behaviour. ‘Friend’ came to talk to OP about it, OP was honest about how ‘friend’s’ actions impacted her.

Good on you OP, your DP sounds like a arse.

Brefugee · 08/08/2023 09:23

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2023 09:02

I think we are getting quite a one sided story here.

That's how forums work...

i think DP's friends' partners have found the post 😂

Theeyeballsinthesky · 08/08/2023 09:24

Só you’ve been with DP for 3 years and in 3 years these women have made no real effort to be friends with you and invite you along to any of their regular get togethers

Despite this your DP pushed you to invite them to your party which you did and they then dropped out one by one. The resultant BBQgate meant your DP was then annoyed with you rather than them

im Not sure how your relationship with DP can carry on when he’s clearly so entwined with this group of ppl who don’t seem to want to make an effort to even pretend to involve you

he seems to put them first & I wouldn’t be happy about that

Positive41 · 08/08/2023 09:26

NancyJoan · 07/08/2023 21:40

Accepting an invitation, ordering food and then dropping out is so, so rude.

Agree.

If they didn't want to come, they shouldn't have accepted the invite in the first place. It is rude.