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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be dreading DH's work retreat

258 replies

MrsCrouch · 07/08/2023 15:18

My husband works remotely for a small company and the owners have kindly invited staff and their partners on a 2 day 'retreat' next week. I think there will be around 16-20 people going in total. I've just seen the VERY detailed itinerary which involves an entire 2 days (from breakfast at 8am until dinner ending at 10/11pm) as a group, doing activities. I'm very introverted, anxious about meeting new people, and honestly have no conversation whatsoever! I like socialising and listening to others, but in small bursts, over dinner etc. But this sounds intense.

I'm very grateful to have been invited, it's a lovely gesture. But help?

OP posts:
Katey83 · 07/08/2023 21:00

You’ll be fine to dip out for a couple of hours to reset.

Catusrusty · 07/08/2023 21:01

I'd probably try to break my own arm just to get out of something like this.

tigger1001 · 07/08/2023 21:02

"OP, it's two days. It might be beneficial to your husband's career (and therefore the family finances). It might even - gasp - be enjoyable. Show up, participate in some activities and bail out of others. Act like an adult, basically. (Not saying that you're not, necessarily, but this post has shone a light on the "how dare I be expected to open my door/answer my phone/participate in inconsequential small talk with people I don't adore?" crowd."

Going to your spouses retreat would be good for his career??? Are you actually serious? Why in the hell would that make a difference to anyone's career? What if you don't have a partner? No promotion for you. Or are having difficulty your relationship? Or the other hundreds of reasons why a partner wouldn't want to go? Like actually maybe having your own plans?

I'm sorry but career prospects should never ever be based on your family's participation in team building.

Personally if it was my partners work, I would be an adult, as you put it and say no thank you. But then again my partner wouldn't expect me to give up my own time for his employer. Equally I wouldn't expect him to give up his time for mine either.

Palmasailor · 07/08/2023 21:05

Where are your boundaries?

If you don’t want to go just say it.

I’d hate it.

You don’t owe anyone your resource.

midsomermurderess · 07/08/2023 21:08

'where are your boundaries'. Christ, what a Mumsnet cliché.

willWillSmithsmith · 07/08/2023 21:09

I don’t understand why you’d be expected to join in. You not anything to them other than a spouse. I’d go if I could opt out of the activities and not go if I had to join in.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 07/08/2023 21:22

Ask people questions about themselves and don't focus so much on how you are feeling. have a break when you can.

User1755387908 · 07/08/2023 21:26

It sounds like team building rather than a retreat, I would hate it

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 07/08/2023 21:26

an invitation, not an order. Your time, your life, your choice. You really don't have to go, and if it helps you - if you don't want to be there, it is better for everyone else, not just you, that you don't go. You won't be doing anyone any favours if you don't want to be there.
Big girl pants. Just say no

User1755387908 · 07/08/2023 21:28

Just say no

Oblomov23 · 07/08/2023 21:37

Go, enjoy, if you don't fancy doing any activity just don't. Easy.

ladeluge · 07/08/2023 21:38

Are you afraid of jeopardising your husband's career prospects if you don't go? What would your husband say if you said you will not attend?

I think your dilemma is based on the above.

Either way I still think it is bang out of order for the company to expect partners to participate in a corporate team event. I wouldn't go and would expect my spouse/partner to agree with me. Maybe your husband would be more relaxed if you are not there also? I doubt anyone likes mixing business with family at events like this.

RampantIvy · 07/08/2023 21:39

Some of the excuses on here are ridiculous. What is wrong with just saying "I don't want to"?

I'm really surprised the husband wants @MrsCrouch to go with him. He knows perfectly well that this is well outside her comfort zone.

I would never drag my husband to a weekend away that I know he won't enjoy. It would spoil it for him, for me and for everyone else.

There are only two options:

  1. Don't go
  2. Go, and don't join in anything.

What people describe here as introversion sounds like shyness or social anxiety, even poor social skills.

I agree with @midsomermurderess. Introverts like being with people, but not all the time as they find it draining. Most of the "introverts" on this thread don't seem to like any people.

RosaKim · 07/08/2023 21:39

Absolutely not a f king chance I’d be going on this.

saraclara · 07/08/2023 21:47

They can't force you to do all the activities. You're not their employee.

I'd just go along and do the things that you fancy, meet some nice people. For the rest, just excuse yourself with any excuse that you want to use (or none - just say you're going to go back to your room to read).

Those spouses who are bringing their children are not going to be joining in all the team building stuff. They've got children to look after/keep occupied.

saraclara · 07/08/2023 21:50

I honestly don't think that partners are going to be expected to join in most of this. I reckon they've been invited as a courtesy to enjoy the nice bits, not the team building bits. They're not part of the team.

GertrudeJekyllRose · 07/08/2023 21:51

As you have decided to go, the best way to socialise as an introvert is to show interest in the other participants and ask them questions so they can do the bulk of the talking. Most people love talking about themselves so will be very happy to have someone let them do that.

Palmasailor · 07/08/2023 21:53

True though.

People just shouldn’t do what they don’t want to.

No explanation is necessary.

lapisamethyst · 07/08/2023 21:55

Is it Elcot Park. Such a fabulous place.
You don't have to do all the activities, just go do your own thing.

Oblomov23 · 07/08/2023 22:01

Does your Dh ever talk about any of his colleagues? Ask him. I know many of Dh's colleagues and wife's because I've met them and they are lovely. Plus he tells me about them : Dave's wife who bakes great cakes and Bill's wife who teaches tai chi. So when you meet Bill's wife you can ask her how her tai chi teaching is going.....

lucianlurcher · 07/08/2023 22:40

One weekend a year when there’s no time off given in lieu does take the piss. If a company wants to take employees away, do it during company time during the working week, not at the weekend.

lucianlurcher · 07/08/2023 22:41

(Replying to @wannabetraveler here!)

Blossomtoes · 07/08/2023 22:54

A city break including partners in a nice hotel one weekend out of 52 is taking the piss? I’d be very amenable to that kind of piss take, it beats the shit out of catching up with the housework and trudging round Tesco.

FrillyGoatFluff · 07/08/2023 23:34

Every single person will be feeling exactly the same as you. All of them. Except that annoying fucker whose idea it was, who'll be like a dog with two dicks.

Just go? Get involved, enjoy the mutual eye rolling. Suggest dipping out of raft building or whatever they've signed you up for, and I bet someone else will be grateful for the opportunity to slope away too.

lucianlurcher · 07/08/2023 23:44

@Blossomtoes - my DH’s company doesn’t take partners on their weekend jollies, just employees. The point was that it’s a similar weird blurring of work impinging on personal life situation as the OP’s position. At weekends my DH would rather be at home with me and the kids over colleagues he’s seen all week…

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