To be dreading DH's work retreat

[MrsCrouch]

My husband works remotely for a small company and the owners have kindly invited staff and their partners on a 2 day 'retreat' next week. I think there will be around 16-20 people going in total. I've just seen the VERY detailed itinerary which involves an entire 2 days (from breakfast at 8am until dinner ending at 10/11pm) as a group, doing activities. I'm very introverted, anxious about meeting new people, and honestly have no conversation whatsoever! I like socialising and listening to others, but in small bursts, over dinner etc. But this sounds intense.

I'm very grateful to have been invited, it's a lovely gesture. But help?

I think it should be more socially acceptable to say - this is fun but I"m a real introvert so Im going to pop back to my room for a couple of hours now to recharge.

Isn't an introvert someone who finds social interaction draining, so needs to recharge afterwards, while extraverts are energised by social interaction? What people describe here as introversion sounds like shyness or social anxiety, even poor social skills.

I'm not sure why posters are telling you not to go when you've made it clear you're looking for advice how to manage it, not how to get out of it.
I agree with a PP, that you will be able to schedule in breaks and probably be able to drop out of certain activities. It's unlikely they will be standing over everyone all the time making everyone participate.
But if the small talk is an issue, then activities usually give less opportunity for chit chat so in that way, it's a bonus!
If your DH knows any of the partners, can he introduce you before you go? Also take along a book or Kindle in your bag so if there's downtime, you can quickly become 'engrossed' and deter unwanted chat.

Why do you think the poster doesn’t understand? OP says she’s an introvert, not someone with a mental health concern. So even though she won’t enjoy it, she can still just grit her teeth and do it for her DH. Her world won’t collapse.

@MrsCrouch

if it were me, I'd go, but wouldn't feel compelled to attend all the sessions!!

It's easy for everyone here to say don't go but in reality, it's hard to back out once you've committed to it. You have my sympathy though, these things are my hell too. If there will be a bunch of you, I'd hang back at the most awful things, stay out the way of the keen folk taking the lead, and jump in more at the activities I'm more confident with.

Hope all goes well, op. Your DH owes you big time after this!

That sounds awful. I wouldn’t even attend that for my own work. Why does an employee expect someone to attend anything work related that goes beyond contractual working hours. I have no interest in socialising with my colleagues let alone their families

Is it absolutely the expectation that all of the partners/family will be joining in with every activity?

The employees should be expected to join in with everything, as this trip is basically work for them, and building their “team” is is productive and useful if they are working together.

But this expectation should absolutely not extend to the employees guests. It would be like having a “bring your family to work” fun day to meet your colleagues and see the office, and then expecting them to do some filing and answer the phones.

I would go, but absolutely make clear that you won’t be participating in every activity. What are they going to do? Write you up, give you a disciplinary, fire you? They can’t make those demands of you.

Also, what kind of activities are we talking about, what is the itinerary?

It's an invitation, not a subpoena.

Jesus, MN really is full of socially-crippled misanthropes, isn't it?

OP, it's two days. It might be beneficial to your husband's career (and therefore the family finances). It might even - gasp - be enjoyable. Show up, participate in some activities and bail out of others. Act like an adult, basically. (Not saying that you're not, necessarily, but this post has shone a light on the "how dare I be expected to open my door/answer my phone/participate in inconsequential small talk with people I don't adore?" crowd.

What did you "struggle to handle"? Why do so many people on MN turn an everyday, probably dull interaction into some trauma-inducing ordeal?

You do not have to go though. Whether you have alternative plans is not the point I would have thought. Unless there's some massive reasoning that you have not mentioned I do not get why his wanting you to go overrides your wish not to go.

Or just go and be clear you will not do certain things.

One weekend a year is "taking the absolute piss"? Calm down, dear.

@wannabetraveler
>>OP, it's two days. It might be beneficial to your husband's career (and therefore the family finances).
amongst other reasons yet another why I wouldn't go.

I don't think much of the modern supposedly cuddly corporate efforts to get into their employee's souls.

I have a certain experience of this mind-racket.

If it "might benefit" it equally might not if the OP is ill at ease.

Could even cause issues with DH if she doesn't perform as expected in the jollity fest.

So no pressure there.

I'd sit down with DH OP and come up with a cast iron excuse as to why you can't make it - some family issue on your side of the family.

Then go and get pissed with a distant relative you have to care for.

This. @MrsCrouch, is the weekend feeling like some sort of test to you - that you'll be 'required' to act a certain way, make distinct contributions? That feeling always freaks me out and I have to give myself a kind talking-to!

All you have to do is be moderately social. There will be children, who'll soak up all the attention, and the only guests with 'requirements' are the employees. You're not in a competition. By all means dip out of any activities that strike you as gruesome - just say you won't be joining XY & Z, but you'll meet up with them at lunch and for the next activity.

Never offer superfluous explanations 😃 Take the time out to read in the lounge, have a bath, deadhead their roses, whatever. Ask yourself not what they expect of you, but what the weekend offers you. Move at your own pace.

Have a nice weekend!

You're making it out to be a family weekend away now ! Who said any kids will be there ?

OP shouldn't have to make up an excuse if she doesn't want to go , no means no full stop

I don't think much of the modern supposedly cuddly corporate efforts to get into their employee's souls.

I have a certain experience of this mind-racket.

🙄😂

They can’t make it all compulsory I’m sure there will be an opportunity to opt out of things. If not just say oh no this isn’t really my thing or that you feel light headed and need a lie down.

There's nothing wrong or abnormal in not wanting to spend long amounts of time with people.
Can't stand it when extroverts assume someone has mental health issues if they don't feel or respond exactly as they do.

When my husband was working I was invited to a few of these. The partners weren’t expected to join in the team building work exercises- you could do your own thing during the day. It was communal evening meals though - just about bearable!

It’s a bit weird that they expect partners to get involved in this way - it reminds me a bit of The Firm (Tom Cruise film from the 90s).

A friend’s husband’s firm did something like this as a thank you for everyone putting in loads of extra hours for some deal. She was a bit annoyed because she was a teacher and it was a two day in the week during term - partners have jobs too.

When did they invite you? I think this is important. Someone has put work (and money) into organising this. If you confirmed you were coming months ago then it isn’t okay to duck out at the last minute.

Having said that, if they have only just said that partners need to do team building activities, it is okay to say that you are sorry but you hadn’t realised that and you’ll need to take some time out to write a report / take some work calls.

Work and family/personal relationships should be completely separate.

It is of no concern to the firm whether the employee is married, single, divorced, has kids, has none. Surely it is discriminatory to expect an employee to bring along wife/partner/family if marital status is of no legal concern to the employer. What if the employee says s/he is separated/divorce/widowed and has no partner. They shouldn't have to say anything at all.

I would object if it was me. There is no way I would want to be considered an appendage of my husband/partner and be scrutinised as to how I might or might not interract with others. That is not a factor in my husband/partner's job.

Totally out of order.

Take your laptop. Make it clear that you have a writing deadline to meet, and will have to devote some time to it. A report for work, or if that doesn't fit with what you do, then the final draft of your novel.

Then take breaks and update us all on the god-awful team-building exercises the employees hav been doing. (Innocent )

Forgot to say - and just do the things you fancy.
(I would also be interested in the food, if you did decide to live report.)

"You're making it out to be a family weekend away now ! Who said any kids will be there ?"

The op did in their second post.