To literally BEG women to set themselves up, financially?

[CallieRedux]

Typed out a long post full of personal details, then deleted, but, honestly, the specifics don't matter. What DOES matter is that you save every tiny bit you can, because having FUCK YOU money is - by far - the most important thing you can do for yourself.

It's saved me from everything from wrong relationships, shit jobs, from natural disasters... I have both made lots of money, and not, but having savings, and the ability to walk away is having POWER, and the best "self care" a woman can have.

Shit happens. Things change. Even to you. Yes, you can save - even a little - when you are poor.

Do it. Please.

I absolutely agree that women should plan for the worst case scenario. Don't be a SAHM if all there is is 'his salary' because he could obviously take that with him. My point was, don't assume SAHMs have not factored this in. They can assess their financial vulnerability as much as the next woman. That's it really.

I am working (32 hours/week in a job I enjoy where I can be pretty mich my own boss, but it's only median wage. I career changed after working ft with small dcs in a much better paid career, until dcs were diagnosed with special needs and live-in childcare arrangements broke down), but I have the, according to this threat, almost 'misfortune' of having married someone who earns about 30 times as much as I do. So of course, while I have 'my own' money, and work almost ft, I have nowhere near enough income to pay our mortgage, the school fees, the lease for my car, even if I went from 32 to 40 or even 50 hours, because I just don't have the brain, education and sheer diligence to work 80 hour weeks as a senior executive in global tech. So if we were to divorce, my income is worth pretty much nothing in the scheme of things. My name is on everything we own - and owe, which of course makes matters complicated if you have joint equity and joint debt. You can't just run, it all would need to be sorted in an adult, mature manner and would take years to process (incl selling let properties and business interests). I much enjoy working, I would be bored and lonely without it. But my job is not drastically changing my situation. Both dh and I are very much financially co-dependent on each other
This is just one example that if you don't actively choose to be the sole breadwinner and live a very poor life as a single mum, it's never easy to divorce or split, and it will always greatly affect lifestyle and life chances of children etc.

Jk987 · Yesterday 10:30
MrsSkylerWhite · Yesterday 09:31

Alternatively, if you personally make the choice to be a SAHP, make sure that you are jointly named on everything, that your state pension contributions are kept up, that you have a joint account to which you have free access and that you are named as beneficiary on pension policies and insurances and main beneficiary in will. Has worked well for us for 35 years.
How does the role of a SAHP last 35 years? Once children reach their teens there's no need to be at home all day and it's possibly to work again and take a break from household chores etc”

Had children older with a big age gap. Youngest is twenty now. Husband worked away from home for many years so by way of work I accommodated overseas students at home for a few years, to be around for the kids.
Was thinking about doing something external for interest then along came the pandemic. At nearly 60 now, I’ve no interest in working.
I’m equal owner/partner in every asset.

I just wish women were as passionate to have their own career as they are to protect their DH’s career and facilitate him.

anonymousxoxo · Today 10:42
I just wish women were as passionate to have their own career as they are to protect their DH’s career and facilitate him”

Surely that’s every individual’s right to choose? I didn’t want a “career”. Should I have pursued one to make complete strangers happier?

It’s almost always only women who do it though and that’s part of the problem.

I wish that could be said for men but as pp said that’s unattractive and men are providers

I think many women get to a certain age and they are on the career treadmill they were told they should want, but they look around and think "is this it?" They want something else out of life. When children come along, they really don't want to be separated from them. It can seem stupid to be away from your child doing a job that holds less meaning and fulfilment for you IF you don't have to. But mainly, you are thinking about the early experiences you want for you child. You are looking at life through their eyes, not your own. Many women feel very strongly about not using nannies or nurseries because they know they have more to offer than that. But if you have to work to pay the bills, that's better than the baby or child going without obviously. And if you are not the maternal type or are bored by babies, it's probably better to get someone else to do it. Again, it's all relative.

Your whole paragraph is about women and childcare, with no mention of sharing or dh. That said it all for me, childcare = women responsibility and opinion.

It's often not that simple. Or, rather it is - the dh is the one who is further on in carter, so it makes sense financially to choose his, if a choice has to be made.

It's almost always the man hence mummy track at work, despite other couples managing to work full time - they must be super heroes!

I am in this situation. Part time job, shared savings and absolutely no job prospects. Want to leave my relationship but can't because financially I would be ruined. Any help or advice please?

anonymousxoxo - I'm talking about what many women WANT. They want to be with their kids. It's not the consolation prize of life, it's an active positive choice. Wanting to be with the children you have birth to is hardly a crime. It's need no justification. You might not have felt that way, but many (most?) women do and there's not much you can do about that.

This comment is tone death, look at the comment above yours which reads I am in this situation. Part time job, shared savings and absolutely no job prospects. Want to leave my relationship but can't because financially I would be ruined. Any help or advice please?

You need to apply for a full time job, do courses - they're cheap ones online or do open university online or many courses these days can be done online which will help improve your career and educational prospects. Next month is usually when course start, alternative January entry.

Make sure he pays maintenance and his share of childcare costs

I would start having your own savings, open your own sole bank account then when you're ready to leave take your savings from shared account and put it in your child's name until divorce is finalised. When divorce is finalised, take it out to put on a small house for mortgage or rent.

You need 6 months payslips usually for a mortgage.

You can do this! x

What about my very competent, career minded friend, who gave up work to take care of her special needs child? Is she an idiot too? 🙄

The devaluation of children is shocking. Nothing more than an obstacle to a 'Career'.

Er, I was responding to your 'tone' @anonymousxoxo .

I have no tone, I'm just talking

Where did I say that word? I didn't call anyone any names? But, interesting her DH didn't give up his career or suggest both do part time..

Also interesting no one has bothered to give advice to PP struggling but happy to quote me and comment

Exactly. and that’s what is problematic.

Two separate issues but keep being confused!

Only when women want to work full time.

Men make the same decision without this judgement all of the time.

I just don't get why both can't go part time and share the load, why does one have to sacrifice their career so their dh can get ahead? Then, they say this has no affect on women in the workplace. I also didn't call anyone an idiot but got that thrown at me