To literally BEG women to set themselves up, financially?

[CallieRedux]

Typed out a long post full of personal details, then deleted, but, honestly, the specifics don't matter. What DOES matter is that you save every tiny bit you can, because having FUCK YOU money is - by far - the most important thing you can do for yourself.

It's saved me from everything from wrong relationships, shit jobs, from natural disasters... I have both made lots of money, and not, but having savings, and the ability to walk away is having POWER, and the best "self care" a woman can have.

Shit happens. Things change. Even to you. Yes, you can save - even a little - when you are poor.

Do it. Please.

Oh I wholeheartedly agree.
Ever since bumping into a friend whose husband had recently left her for another woman, I have made a real effort to save. She had put aside nothing. The house was in his name, the car, everything. And he was being utterly awful and not giving her any money for her and their two boys.
She struggled for years, turned to drink, and basically went from the most amazing woman to a shell of herself.
I don’t believe that my dh and I will ever split, but you can never know another person completely & it’s better to be safe than up shit creek without a paddle.

I'm not against joint accounts but I would plead with women to keep working and FGS see childcare as a joint expense. I'm baffled by posters who say he pays the mortgage, I pay the nursery. No no no. When we married everything was a joint account because we were saving for a house. Stayed that way for 20 years, now we are better off so building our own savings. But maternity leave and childcare was never 'my problem'. Yes working around small kids is desperately hard but maje it half his problem and stick at it. One day you'll have teens and you'll be so glad of your independence

I agree

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4867529-dh-leaving-me-what-job-can-i-look-at-to-earn-as-much-as-possible?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

"I just think if you’re a SAHM mum then your contribution to your house is very valuable but you’re not employed. You’re not contributing to the labour market, you’re not building a pension and you can leave yourself in a vulnerable position."

I completely accept this point of view. I would say, it's not always that clear cut though.

For instance, the first flat DH and I bought in the mid 90s was for £65k. Over the years, it's me who has identified and led the renovation projects (where needed) on homes we've lived in or purchased as rentals. This is London and the most recent renovation of our current home cost under £400k, but has added about £2m in terms of value to the house as an asset. All our assets are shared or in trust for the children. This can be quite common with couples where there is a SAHM - she may not be formally working, but she has had a large role in developing family assets in various ways. These are her pension and her own financial security and that of her children.

Completely agree, as someone who has always been higher earner and controlled the finances I can’t believe the disparity out there.
If you are the higher earner then don’t feel pressured into the MN obsession with joint bank accounts. As my OH is dreadful with money that absolutely is never happening.

I think it’s worth mentioning that some women (and men) are quite happy to be financially dependent on their partner, families etc. They don’t want to work outside the home. You can give all the warnings you want but ultimately this is what some people actively choose. It’s the same with some women who have multiple children with complete tossers, they have no intention of working and allow themselves to become dependent on the state.
Clearly it’s common sense to look after your own financial interests as far as you are able but if you are happy to go through life being financially dependent on another person then you have got to suck it up if that source of income dries up. I trust my husband 100%, he is a good kind man but ultimately I stand on my own two feet. I am an adult.

This is true

@EarringsandLipstick Because of the way you phrased it that's why. Many people here have disagreed with me, I'm definitely in the minority and that's fine, despite the fact others think I'm nieve I'm honestly fine with them sharing their opinion on it else I wouldn't have posted (I knew it wouldn't be popular!) But the condescending tone of your post, in particular the 'god love you' like you are patronising a hopeless child that you obviously know better than, I admit p*ssed me off.

Totally agree but the likelihood is that the person who’s working will have far better future proofing through employer pensions and contribution to state pensions.

I also think homes worth £2m are the outlier and not the norm although it’s amazing that you’ve achieved this.

I think many women need to be savvier in their financial choices.

Yes this is a ridiculously rarified example!

Finding out my husband was hoarding a secret stash of money, in a loving marriage would be a deal breaker for me.

What's the point in getting married if you're keeping secrets?

What if you are disabled and can't work? And your husband is your carer? What then?

Some people want to be stay at home parents and I don't understand why others are so against it and can't leave people to make a personal choice without judging them.
Having a stay at home parent works great in some families. For some families the children and parents are happier with that arrangement than they are having both parents working most days, which leaves less time for the children to be having quality time with a parent, less time for the parents to have time together to maintain the relationship and for some families parents will be more stressed, especially if both have demanding jobs.

On the other hand some people are happier in full time work and this means they are happier at home and more present than they would be if they were there all day every day.

Not every man is going to financially abuse a SAHM or prevent them from ending the relationship.

Let people have the freedom to make choices that are in the best interest of their family without judgement!

If you’re married your savings will be split with your partner AFTER all debts are paid. And yes, that means his debts too. Just saying this as someone who was extremely financially solvent and married to someone who turned out to be extremely entitled and lazy.

Screwed and pray he's a good/decent man who will share

Oh stop it.

You're nitpicking over phrases. I tried really hard to clarify my point without being patronising (I mean, I've little to be patronising about! I'm the single parent to 3, failed marriage, you've got a happy marriage & fair play to you [hope that's not patronising to say too?]).

But you're adamant point that your DH would never do that to you is deluded.

Equally, you were patronising to me about me being 'blinded' to red flags. If you haven't experienced abuse, you won't know that it doesn't work like that. I'm fine with that as I get it's not easy to understand.

I'm not in the least going to resile from my points & I've tried to be conscious of my tone and your views throughout my replies to you, to no avail. Honestly if you properly read my posts you might see this.

That said, I'm going re-read the God love you line as I don't remember why I said that!

@Frazzledmum123

I found my 'God love you' line. It was in my first reply to you. In every other one, I've tried to be appreciative of your points, and clarified mine.

Here's the exact context:

Frazzled: I know his character/soul enough to know he 100% does not have it in him to screw me over completely.

Me: Oh god love you. I'm sure you your DH is lovely. However, believe me, any man (and presumably any woman, if the circumstances permit) is capable of shitty exploitative behaviour, when relationships end. *
*
So, my apologies for the patronising line. However I went on to make clear my point while acknowledging that I'm sure your DH is lovely.

I did so in my other posts too but you've repeatedly ignored my points there.

I wonder why you are so adverse to the view that blindly accepting your DH is incapable of treating you poorly is particularly naive?

I'm sure it won't happen; it doesn't mean you shouldn't be aware of the possibility & back yourself.

That's all I'm saying. While I deeply regret marrying my H (bar my 3 lovely DC) I did at least realise the importance of sustaining my career which at least as kept me & DC housed & fed.

Yes

I worked in childcare for a few years and agree so much with this. Luckily I have never come across abuse but have worked with people who have had a poor attitude that I wouldn't want around my children. I also know they are very busy, there are several children to each worker and there is paperwork to do, staff breaks, children that are more challenging taking up most of the staff time. Children in nursery get very little quality time or attention, which is fine once they get to 3/4 as that is when they should be playing more with other children, can do group activities and have developed the imagination to play alone and can build them skills more being in a group of large children. However, birth-3 are going to do better with 1:1 attention from a care giver who knows them well.

Tin under the bed

In case of a divorce, do I get to keep the money that are accounts that are in my name?

As a principle, no.

No, they would become part of the financial settlement but let's say you had £5k in an account 8n your name and needed/wanted to leave, that's

-£2k deposit and first month rent
-£1k furnishing, utilities connection
-£2k for living costs/childcare while you sort out employment

By the time you get to the point where you are declaring your assets and deciding who gets what there's nothing left to declare but you're out, housed, fed....

I really really wish I'd done this.