To literally BEG women to set themselves up, financially?

[CallieRedux]

Typed out a long post full of personal details, then deleted, but, honestly, the specifics don't matter. What DOES matter is that you save every tiny bit you can, because having FUCK YOU money is - by far - the most important thing you can do for yourself.

It's saved me from everything from wrong relationships, shit jobs, from natural disasters... I have both made lots of money, and not, but having savings, and the ability to walk away is having POWER, and the best "self care" a woman can have.

Shit happens. Things change. Even to you. Yes, you can save - even a little - when you are poor.

Do it. Please.

The wife’s do the household chores.

If they have a cleaner, then non issue really.

But the men I work with the wife’s do the cooking, cleaning and laundry etc.

But some people do outsource it so depends

The point is mental load. The professional woman has to beat a man who effectively has servants. She may have help, but odds on she will be organizing it and managing her relationship if she has one.

Such is the SAHM set up that the SAHM mothers the man and the children.

What every professional woman wants is a wife. Not as a lesbian obviously but support that the SAHM gives.

There is one thing in a relationship which is more financially valuable than either your house or your savings, and that is a job.

Could you buy a suitable house outright for you and your kids with 50% of the equity in your current house? How long would half your current savings last if you had to use them to pay your day to day expenditure?

Yes, it's likely that any money you save will be viewed as joint if you divorce but a "running away fund" would have been spent on funding your immediate leaving expenses long before divorce proceedings started.

"There is one thing in a relationship which is more financially valuable than either your house or your savings, and that is a job. "

Not remotely true for the SAHMs I know - which is precisely why they are able to be SAHMs!

But it isn't an assumption, that's how society is currently. It's no accident that the majority of SAHM's are women.

Our sexist society largely influences our choices.

SAHP's that should say. Of course, all SAHM's are women. 😅

@EarringsandLipstick

''Women whose youngest dependent child was aged between one and eight years were more likely to be in part-time employment than full-time employment.''

Women in the labour market - Office for National Statistics (ons.gov.uk)

Well the exception generally proves the rule.

The point is that for most divorcing families, the breadwinner walks away with their career and salary, the SAHP has to start over finding a job having stepped away from their career. CM may cushion the blow for a few years but it won't last for ever.

Whilst I agree it's a good idea in theory BUT even then will some people leave?
Case in point I know of at least 2 people from very wealthy backgrounds who married abusive men. They could have left at any point and been financially supported/secure from their parents, afforded the best lawyers, been housed, etc.
They didn't leave for many years until serious incidents made it impossible to stay.
So what I'm saying is does the money even make a difference if you are that controlled/scared?

Well as a lawyer I can say you can be perfectly entitled to half, but if your name isn't on the form then you might have to go through hell and high water to get it (including depleting funds on lawyers to get there). People should NEVER EVER rely on "I could win in it court" over getting things sorted now

So you are 100% right to paper any agreement up!

Much easier said than done

@EarringsandLipstick 'Do you, do you really?'...'god love you' - how is this not very patronising, talking to me like a child? And I'm sorry you had it hard but don't pretend to know more about my dh than I do. You can think im nieve if you want but I'm very happily married to someone I trust completely and who has supported me when it was in our family's best interests and but would be equally happy to be a stay at home dad if I wanted to put everything into my career. So all in all I'll take my 20 plus years of happiness and knowledge that I'm with someone who has my back over mistrust, it's served me well so fat

@LivingDeadGirlUK Aside from childcare costs, one of my DC has SEN so needs masses of input each and every day from me after school. My other DC needs very high levels of input. They both really need my support daily after school.

It isn't clear from this which child came first.
However, if you had one child that needed a lot of input, a husband that was unengaged, and a precarious financial situation why on earth did you choose to have another one?

Too me that's a total lack of foresight.

Tbh you are not wrong. And it's not just disadvantaging women. Men who do their share too. I saw it in our SLT. Two had sahms at home and did grumble every time when female or male said no to last minute late meeting because they do pick up on the day. Or how the non sahm parents were expected to travel but if their spouse was already booked to go somewhere with their work so they said they can just do day, not overnight etc. There was great male manager who was doing same like my female one 1 day pick up, one day drop off etc and he had eyes rolled at him too by them two.

So essentially it is disadvantaging parents who work and actually parent.

Is that really right, though? I thought the divorce courts took into accou t things like who had the children? I don't know. As my dh def has more money than le, hadn't considred it.

We do this too and get absolutely slaughtered on MN! But we both have different approaches to saving and different things we like to spend money on so we have a joint account we separately pay in to for all bills and food and then the rest is ours to do with what we want. We've always done it this way! If I were to have to separate from him I'd be just fine financially!

A Fuck You Fund is definitely a good idea, not just in cases of leaving a marriage. I used mine to leave an unhappy job. I've got a nice amount of money to cushion us. I can now take some time to do some professional development and apply for jobs when I've rebuilt some confidence (a toxic working environment can destroy your confidence in your abilities). It's not ideal to leave a job with nothing to go to, but you can put too much emphasis on money and not enough on your own mental health.

My dsis knows how hard it is to start again. She was a sahm, emotionally and financially abused. She didn't have a Fuck You Fund because she had literally no income - he gave her an allowance. She left him, got a job, rented a house. She was lucky, she got a job following her first interview. I'm proud of her and she now has a new life and is happy. But it could have been so much easier for her.

I think @EarringsandLipstick has hit the nail on the head below:
It's not about imposing absolutes. It's about ensuring women have awareness of the implications of their choices and have a way to protect themselves.

We will all have to make different choices and have different lifestyles but we all need to make conscious choices to protect ourselves in the event of things becoming difficult or abusive (men and women). It’s not about right or wrong choices - it’s about recognising things can change and thinking about all potential outcomes in the same way you would when entering into any other legal contract/relationship.

Same- I trust my DH completely, and he trusts me. In fact all our savings are in my name atm, although previously they have been in his. Makes no difference to us. 15 years together and I 100% trust him to do right by me and the kids if we ever were to fall out of love. Some people are just good people...

it would never cross my mind my husband would change so dramatically that he would leave me in the sh*t because he just isn't like that

I wouldn't have either. Neither would a friend. Yet they did. In my case, testosterone therapy made him an entirely different man.

^They didn't leave for many years until serious incidents made it impossible to stay.
So what I'm saying is does the money even make a difference if you are that controlled/scared?^

Money always makes a difference. Money gives you choices. You're still not going to leave until you're ready, but when you jump, it cushions the landing.

Being a SAHM does not need to be the inevitable disaster it is made out to be on here. As @EarringsandLipstick says, choice is always a good thing. There is no right way when it comes to families. It's a shame that too many women who would like to SAH, no longer can due to the cost of living necessitating two incomes these days.

We shouldn't be encouraging anyone to be dependent on someone else regardless male or female. It's always good to have financial independence and stability, hence why feminists fought the right to work and have their own bank accounts. They didn't want to be controlled anymore.

I work in STEM/technology, I'm the only girl in my direct team - I'd like to inspire younger girls/women to get into STEM/technology and see more female faces in the workplace rather than men (which can be intimidating). If each and every girl disappeared from the workplace especially in male dominated industry - what message are we sending to younger girls?

The history of women's work and wages and how it has created success for us all | Brookings

Can a married woman open a bank account?

Many banks required married women to submit a form of authorisation signed by their husband before they could open an account. Some banks even passed by-laws barring women from buying their shares.

Where was the first womens bank in the UK?

In the 1960s one of our constituent banks, National Commercial Bank of Scotland, tried an unusual experiment in catering to female customers. In 1964 it opened Britain’s first ‘Ladies’ branch’, located above a normal high street branch in Edinburgh’s West End.

1918

Women vote in a general election for the first time on 14 December with 8.5 million women eligible

Without feminists, who knows where we would be today.

I come from an Asian background, where females are expected to be SAHM - they are often controlled and abused unfortunately. In India, women are killed in the womb and they don't like educating daughters because she isn't a heir and will leave once she gets married.

Anyway, I have no personal problem with SAHM and wish to reiterate that. I just dislike the unfairness at work and how patriarchy has affected me. We still have a long way to go with the gender pay gap and gender pension gap. America banning abortions. Just sad really.

Me too. We have a joint account for bills and the rest of my income is my own.

I agree, but I've been made out like I'm making it up. I don't understand, what I will achieve by lying to virtual strangers? We will never meet! I'm just sharing what I have experienced.