To literally BEG women to set themselves up, financially?

[CallieRedux]

Typed out a long post full of personal details, then deleted, but, honestly, the specifics don't matter. What DOES matter is that you save every tiny bit you can, because having FUCK YOU money is - by far - the most important thing you can do for yourself.

It's saved me from everything from wrong relationships, shit jobs, from natural disasters... I have both made lots of money, and not, but having savings, and the ability to walk away is having POWER, and the best "self care" a woman can have.

Shit happens. Things change. Even to you. Yes, you can save - even a little - when you are poor.

Do it. Please.

Two Incomes have always been necessary. What happened previously was people lived in Absolute an actual poverty on one income. Because any standard of living Simply was not available to them.

Working plus women have always worked incredibly hard with or without children. And middle class, women worked the moment the children went to school.

Agreed!

The history of women's work and wages and how it has created success for us all | Brookings

Men whose lives are facilitated by women - how did this happen??! | Mumsnet

I think it's ridiculous for SAHM mothers to comment on the work environment; they aren't in it.

I have seen many times for men and women effectively penalised for having children. The one who gets ahead is the man who has a SAHM or a single woman and she will have to be twice as good and listen to drivel from people about why she hasn't fulfilled herself.

I disagree on two incomes though. One income is enough, you just need it to be high.

@anonymousxoxo - You really don't need to explain all that. I wasn't born yesterday and I don't think anyone on here was. I completely get what you are saying, but there is no one size fits all. Society is not what's it was in the 50s or any previous decade. We all make choices in the context of the here and now and our personal circumstances as we see fit.

As @Anxioys has said: *I think it's ridiculous for SAHM mothers to comment on the work environment; they aren't in it.

I have seen many times for men and women effectively penalised for having children. The one who gets ahead is the man who has a SAHM or a single woman and she will have to be twice as good and listen to drivel from people about why she hasn't fulfilled herself.*

I'm trying to explain, but being invalidated by my own experiences yet other PP have commented saying the same..

Your experience is yours anonymousxoxo, but that also goes for everyone. I don't necessarily disagree with you, but you are vastly generalising and oversimplifying an issue that is extremely complex and nuanced and will vary massively between different employment sectors, different families and different human beings!

I just can’t trust anyone 100% 😂😂

maybe that’s a flaw in me but i beyond my mum and dad I wouldn’t trust anyone 100% especially when it comes to money.

I’ve had too many friends in very happy marriages that have gone down the swanny and it’s gone tits up and very acrimonious.

Yep. When my husband and I put our finances together I hold him I was keeping 3/4 annual salary in my own personal savings. Women need an emergency fund in case a marriage breaks up. Especially if they’re the primary child carer and not working full time.

So me and other posters are generalising, but you are right however you don't work?

Sometimes I worry I haven’t protected myself enough! I’m 28 years old, engaged but don’t live with DF and no kids. I bought a flat 3 years ago and gave approx £60K of equity in it, I am a band 6 in the NHS (I’m a nurse) and have £7.2K in my emergency fund- approximately 6 months of bills. I can’t explain it, I just feel I’m not quite setting myself up properly and I could do more to be independent/be ok in the future? I try to overpay my mortgage now I have my emergency fund. Any advice/ideas? Or reassurance!

You are the one generalising about men with SAHWs, anonymous, based on your experience of some particular men who obviously wind you up a lot in your workplace. But those men only represent themselves. There are all kinds of men and all kinds of families in this world and yes, some of them have SAHMs for all kinds of reasons which are nobody's business but their own.

I made the mistake so many women do, of giving up my degree to support him through his undergrad, then giving up my own degree before the final year to have his baby, then giving up my chance of a career to move across the world and raise his kids while he did his PhD. 22 years together and he is finally actually starting to make a livable income where we don’t rely on food banks and family help, and then he cheats and says he’s been unhappy for a while yadda yadda. Upshot being I may end up with absolutely nothing - no work history, no qualifications, no idea how to even go about finding a career from this point after decades not being allowed to work for visa reasons. And then I lose my husband and maybe even my right to live in the same country as him and my kids.

If I could talk to myself aged 21 I would have warned about this. So depressing. Oh and I will have no pension as no NI payments and no state support back in England because I have lived abroad so long. I’m fucked. Don’t be me.

*I made the mistake so many women do, of giving up my degree to support him through his undergrad, then giving up my own degree before the final year to have his baby, then giving up my chance of a career to move across the world and raise his kids while he did his PhD. 22 years together and he is finally actually starting to make a livable income where we don’t rely on food banks and family help, and then he cheats and says he’s been unhappy for a while yadda yadda. Upshot being I may end up with absolutely nothing - no work history, no qualifications, no idea how to even go about finding a career from this point after decades not being allowed to work for visa reasons. And then I lose my husband and maybe even my right to live in the same country as him and my kids.

If I could talk to myself aged 21 I would have warned about this. So depressing. Oh and I will have no pension as no NI payments and no state support back in England because I have lived abroad so long. I’m fucked. Don’t be me.*

@TheaPrentice is @Thefsm lying to?

Or generalising.. @TheaPrentice

I don't mean this to cause offence, but if you had a job you'd understand what multiple posters are trying to say but at the moment you are gaslighting them.

why are you asking me if a poster is lying?

Don't worry about overpaying mortgage, as long as you can make the monthly payments - that's ok (if you can do extra - go for it). The main thing is you can afford to make the monthly payments, so many women can't due to not working full time or earning low.

I'd protect your savings and flat, have an agreement set up so he can't touch it. Continue to work full time. Don't get married if you don't want to share your money. Prioritise and safeguard your career, don't give it up to facilitate his.

Because multiple people have said same thing as me but you're gaslighting me by saying I'm generalising. How can it be a generalisation, if multiple people have had the same experience and have commented?

Hah yes definitely recognise the new city dad, suddenly very keen to work late..!

I don't think anyone is blaming SAHMs for workplace issues, just pointing it out as another example of patriarchy that disadvantages women. I am sure it works brilliantly for loads of families, and that is excellent for them. However until the SAHP is as likely to be dad as mum, it perpetuates stereotypes that impact us all. I definitely see the impact of this in the corporate world - around last minute changes in plans, networking put of work hours, travel expectations etc.

Another thread, see for yourself @TheaPrentice

DH leaving me - what job can I look at to earn as much as possible? | Mumsnet

Exactly!

I never blamed them, it's ultimately not their fault - they contribute to it. Men (the patriarchy) created it - ultimately fault lies with them.

@TheaPrentice

Its obvious anonymousxoxo, that for every negative experience of being a SAHM in here, there. Will be countless positive ones. That's all I'm trying to say - the situation is more nuanced than you make out. I could tell you of hundreds of cares if SAHMs who are the opposite if your (quite narrow) ideas of what being a SAHM entails but, it wouldn't prove anything either particularly.

cases not 'cares'