To literally BEG women to set themselves up, financially?

[CallieRedux]

Typed out a long post full of personal details, then deleted, but, honestly, the specifics don't matter. What DOES matter is that you save every tiny bit you can, because having FUCK YOU money is - by far - the most important thing you can do for yourself.

It's saved me from everything from wrong relationships, shit jobs, from natural disasters... I have both made lots of money, and not, but having savings, and the ability to walk away is having POWER, and the best "self care" a woman can have.

Shit happens. Things change. Even to you. Yes, you can save - even a little - when you are poor.

Do it. Please.

Finance

I can understand that to a certain extent. I appreciate it is easy for me to say as someone who didn't even consider being a SAHM and also has a DH who would never agree to it even if I wanted to.

@Skye109 have you tried running your details through entitledto.com without your DH in the picture?

It's possible that you may be better off with Universal Credit if you left DH.

I call it my running away money

Sure, but if a woman needs to leave urgently, she can if she has savings, if she has a job she has a much better chance of securing a home and providing for her children. It’s not all about what happens in court, there’s a whole mess before that.

Does anyone ever enter a relationship thinking "this one's going to be an utter bastard one day out of the blue, yay what fun?"

That's the problem, people enter into a relationship, think it's all going well, have a couple of kids, leave their job, end up completely vulnerable and reliant on their partner to financially support them, then the partner turns out to be an utter bastard.

Exactly this.

Tbh I think its high time that laws around marriage were modernised, if they havent had children then they should just take out what they've put in. It's ridiculous that in this day and age women (( and men )) who have sat on their arses for years can claim money they haven't earned and pensions they haven't paid into. Inheritance and separate savings should be ringfenced and allowed to be kept.

If kids are involved then a 50 / 50 split is fairer.......but I still don't think Inheritance or savings from either side should be on the table.........and no, I'm not a man. I'm a woman who wasn't stupid enough to get married because I'd have more money to lose if things went tits up which I've seen time and time again. If my partner and I split he'll take what he has in the bank and pensions, I'll take mine and we'll split the house. That's fair. I don't think I'm entitled to more because I popped a couple of kids out.

Great post, so many parents put themaelves in such vulnerable position, it worth rising awareness.

I was a sahm to three dc for 10 years. I was lucky, i have access to dh's income, I am in control of household finanace. However, I missed out 10 years of pension contribution and had zero saving.

During dh's midlife crisis, we almost end up divorce. It never happened because I was unemployed, I am financially dependent on him, that was Dec 2016. In Jan 2017, I found a 25k job, childcare for 3 kids costed more than what I earned during the holidays, however, I kept going even if it was a lost. Now I am on 52k, have saving and catching up on my pension pot. I am financially dependent should anything happen.

I most definitely will discourage my children to be in the same situation as I was.

I think one of the benefits was we both knew what our personalities were like and how they interacted with each other. As a recovering people pleaser, I knew that I'd be more reticent to spend money from a joint account and that any throwaway remarks by DH could have impacted my attitude to spending.
Our spending and saving habits are actually quite different. DH has always been more materialistic than I am. But yy, on big purchases we either agree or trust the one who is pushing for the purchase iyswim.
I watched friends lie to their DHs about what items cost and knew I didn't ever want that in a relationship. And equally, DH watched his friends worry about discussing purchases with their partners - and didn't want that dynamic. We're open about what we spend and about what we save. And DH always knew that even though my DM adored him (and he adored her back) that she'd advised me to keep separate money and assets.

This sounds like a really tough situation, but ultimately it sounds like you need to look at when you can realistically leave your husband and start planning towards that. It might not be for 10 years depending on how young your kids are, but you need to keep your eye on the prize.

In the future your kids will be able to take themselves to and from school and the time will be right for that promotion, keep your head in the game and your skills up to date so you can seize that as soon as possible.

Research all the benefits you may be entitled to should you separate so you know exactly what the deal would be, it may be that once you weigh up against your husbands beer money its not that much of a difference. Are you aware of the tax free childcare scheme? You get 25% of childcare costs including after school clubs paid for by the government which may help.

How much equity is there in the house, should you separate and sell is there enough for a smaller place for you and DC?

If your husband was a team player he would see you doing all this work and try and pull his weight by getting a better paid job that doesn't involve 14 hours days but it sounds like he doesn't give a shit and therefore you need to stop worrying about him after a split. Just assume you won't get any CM as men like that will do anything they can not to pay.

This is fair enough and I do appreciate MN for opening my eyes to views like yours because (and with all due respect) I literally know no one in real life who is like you.

The parents I know love the break from their children that going to work affords them, they like the balance and variety that having a career and children provides, they enjoy the economic benefits of a dual income household, they value jointly financially providing for their family, they love that they haven’t lost their identity to parenthood and have retained a sense of themselves despite having to think about little people now.

I am sure you have contingency plan in place if things go wrong in your marriage, but this thread is about women who don’t - this is a big risk and worth discussing at length on a women-only forum (well mostly women-only!).

@SouthLondonMum22^* "So very true.

Like you said, if someone wants to be a SAHM go ahead but I'm not going to value it or support it just because I'm also a woman.

Why should I? SAHM's who facilitate their husband's career make it harder for me and women like me to compete against those men to further my own career."*^

Agreed, it's very frustrating when I'm having to do conference calls on Bluetooth while driving to pick up DD from holiday club and still be professional and insightful using information I've had to memorise because I can't refer to my notes. While male colleagues with SAHM wives are sat at their desks, with their notes on the call that they scheduled out of hours because they can because they have someone else facilitating their ability to opt of of caring for their child.

Oh yes!

When I left my abusive marriage 30+ years ago, my Mum said that the problem was that we had too much money.. If I'd not had enough to leave I would have just have to do what she did and lay on the bed that I'd made

Fortunately, I was working, and could break free!

do not even consider having a child unless you are prepared emotionally, financially, physically and psychologically to bring that child up alone.

--
I also say EXACTLY this. As young as I was, I even warned my darling older sister with a regular job that if she thought getting married was her licence to birth as many kids as she could, she would be mistaken and she should only give birth to kids SHE believed she could support on her own. She stopped at 2 kids and she thanks her lucky star for that as although she ideally wanted 3, she stopped at 2 as marriage started unravelling anyway, and her 'D' H turned out to be a dick fathering multiple kids (3) outside the marriage.

I had to warn my sister because as a family, we can be considered wealthy, however, we each work hard for our money. We largely assisted her- one chid moved in with us (main family home) as theirs wasn't a happy home according to child, and sis, for a while still felt we should just dish out money to her, until she eventually got a grip. She is fine now and happily raising her younger child as the other one stayed with us permanently.

There are many cases in which inheritance (and pre-marital assets) have to be shared. It depends on how much there is in the pot and whether it is sufficient for everyone's needs or not.

Wish I'd thought of this/ not trusted my oh. 20 years on & I don't even have control of my own wages from my respected career! I'll teach my children this 100%. I've learned my lesson.

i agree. especially those women who are not married, do not work and depend on a partner - and the house is in his name!
just absolutely stupid in this day and age - no excuses for this and ive literally no sympathy for women who put themselves in this position

Same. It works. And totally agree with OP - YADefinitelyNBU!

I wish someone had explained this when I was young. I don't even want to leave my husband, but I was such a little idiot - "Oh, you earn more than me so it makes sense for me to give up my job and bring up the children - cheaper than childcare!".
No no no no no no. I am now in my 40s and starting again career-wise. No one explained to me the concept of keeping your hand in, and future-proofing, and I wasn't clever enough to work it out for myself. I just did what I had seen the women in my family do before me and stayed home with the children. Idiot.

And if you do move in with someone who has their own property in their name don't out any money into it unless you're on the deeds. Share the bills only and use the opportunity to squirrel away a deposit to buy a cheap, rental property for yourself. That way if things do go tits up as you reach retirement age as they often do you don't have to worry about keeping a roof over your head and have something to fall back on.

Pfff, well if he's entitled to anything that's in a bank, I guess .. to be truly hidden it would need to be a risky in form of cash in a storage unit or bank vault? But you must have to declare what you're storing (?) Other than that .. selling your rings ...? Curious to see other (more sensible?!) replies.

@ScribblingPixie

In my first job, when I was very young and ditsy, two women once sat me down and told me that my priority should be to create lifelong security for myself so that I could be completely independent. They were so earnest and insistent that I took it 100 per cent on board. They'll never know that what they did for me.

I love that. Good on those fabulous women.

Our society would be much healthier if everyone worked out of the home in some respect and men and women shared the financial, child rearing, housework, life admin 🤮 loads. I don’t mean children in FT childcare, I mean 2 parents that equally contribute to the family pot and spend equal time with their children. Men and women working flexibly. That is the society that we need.

That won’t happen because of women.

Why are so many women bothering to go to university when they really yearn for for the 1950s?

@Mmhmmn and @coxesorangepippin just in a bank account that only you know about and keep it paperless.

The purpose of a running away fund is so that you have the ability to leave the relationship, it will pay for renting a new property, solicitors fees, transport etc. if you have a massive amount saved then it's possible there will still be some left by the point you get to the financial disclosures/division of assets stage of a divorce but you could always prepay 6 months/12 months rent if you needed to dispose of it in a way that secured your financial position and prevents it being handed to your ex.