To literally BEG women to set themselves up, financially?

[CallieRedux]

Typed out a long post full of personal details, then deleted, but, honestly, the specifics don't matter. What DOES matter is that you save every tiny bit you can, because having FUCK YOU money is - by far - the most important thing you can do for yourself.

It's saved me from everything from wrong relationships, shit jobs, from natural disasters... I have both made lots of money, and not, but having savings, and the ability to walk away is having POWER, and the best "self care" a woman can have.

Shit happens. Things change. Even to you. Yes, you can save - even a little - when you are poor.

Do it. Please.

Im glad you know women who have disabilities that dont effect their ability to work. I have a disability and cant work, its not an excuse and I went through quite a long process for that to be acknowledged

I haven’t. But the wealth demographic I’m talking about isn’t a situation where you can hide savings to offset, or where it’s a matter of months before assets are frozen. Plus I’m not sure you’ve fully appreciated the costs associated with a contested financial settlement. A couple of grand isn’t going to cover anything. And no one is defaulting on mortgages to make a point.

50% or similar of all marriages end in divorce.

I would imagine very few people enter into a marriage thinking that they could be one of the 50%, and yet...

50% or similar of all marriages end in divorce.

It would be naive not to have something to support you/a back up plan (just in case, not for a certainty) in the same way it would be naive not to have buildings insurance or car insurance etc etc

I find it empowering, rather than sad, to encourage women as individuals to be able to support themselves, married or otherwise.

@saltinesandcoffeecups No absolutely, but then you have life insurance which will pay off the mortgage and both our works give out I think its 2 x salary to the surviving spouse plus its ALWAYS sensible to have money put aside for emergencies - that doesn't mean it can't be in a joint account though for whoever needs it to access.

Yes I know several and two men. Also three women with severely disabled dc that work.

are you saying those with severe disabilites could be working

The baffling thing though is that even among men high earners aren't that common. Very few people actually make it past middle management anyway. It's not the sort of progression that involves just 'working hard', it needs a fair bit of risk taking and luck.

One memorable thread with people going about their DH's 'big job'... how much does he earn? 40K. LOL.

@Thepeopleversuswork No I acknowledge there will always be people who cover their true selves and it isn't 100% foolproof but I do think a lot of the time it is obvious the partner isn't great. My DH has his faults as do I but I know that whatever happens, one of us cheated or fell totally out of love with the other, our focus would be the children's wellbeing first and foremost and so neither of us would screw the other completely. That I would bet my life on

Sadly this is true.

@Starseeking Support yourself 100%, have some skills, know how to run a home, do DIY and where money goes to etc - definitely. But have an account with escape money, not so much. But that's just my opinion and its obviously not a popular one!

@Frazzledmum123 - yes, you have bet your life on it. Others like to have something in case of a rainy day.

But yes, a few thousand saved isn't enough - if you have a difficult divorce you are looking at tens of thousands in bills.

Well I am talking, like obviously others do, about quite ordinary people which is a logical flow from OP's and following posts.
You suddenly moved from "it's factored in during settlment" to wealthy people.

Either way, savings and income allow one to leave bad relationship. It's simple as that

@Anxioys And I'm absolutely happy to have. Built like I said, to each their own

What about bringing boys up to not be men who are total arseholes and leave the woman in the shit?
What if you are a women who wants to actually look after her children rather than pay someone else to do it? (And as a couple that is financially viable due to husbands wages?)
All I ever wanted was to be with my kids day to day both whilst they were very small and before school/ straight after school every day. Yes I did get a profession first but I never wanted any childcare of any kind. My one dream was to spend every day with them.
I’ve been lucky enough to do that so far (they have finished primary school) and it’s been worth it 100x. If I never achieve anything again it will be been 100% worth it because I’ve had the most incredible 14 years- best of my life with them.
But no, I haven’t saved for myself. I’m married. Didn’t want my career- hated it anyway and being with my kids was a million times better.
Have worked at home and earned a bit whilst they are at school but that goes in the joint pot along with DH wages.
Not really sure where that leaves me? However I do have a good DH who I am as sure as I can possibly be that he wouldn’t leave us in the shit if we ever split.
I could never have earned anywhere near as much as he can anyway- so could lot have afforded this house or the life style we have. Would have had to work all through my kids being little which to me was my absolute worst eventuality.

No one cares how many you know it’s a moot point

I agree a million percent. Not just a pot of money to fuck off or escape with, but you need enough to never have to rely on anyone. There’s currently a thread on here about a woman not being able to see her husband in hospital and needing to ask her partner’s daughter’s husband for a lift. I can’t ever imagine getting to the age of 60, 70 whatever and not being able to afford a f’ing taxi to hospital.

Without giving too much away:

2016 employer x : £25,000
2016 moved to employer Y: £29000
2016-2022 employer Y: salary increased to £35,000 (Mat leave 2018-19)
2022 moved back to employer x: £48,000
2023 salary increased to £53,000 plus £2k bonus.

next year I’m hoping it’ll go up more with performance reviews.

I’ve always worked full time as well. I think that helps a bit when moving jobs. The move in 2022 was a big jump and I was scared shitless but I could not turn the money down.

It leaves you financially vulnerable but it sounds like it's a risk you were more than willing to take to stay at home. At least you're married which offers you some protection.

Can I ask what field/job this is in please?

I guess I am vulnerable to a degree.
The thing is it’s tricky if you have a strong desire to be a SAHM, have a husband who earns a lot and is happy for you to be a SAHM and then you agree together that’s what’s going to happen.
Its worked for us because my DH values and appreciates the work I’ve put in across the years (3 kids under 3 at one point). He sees my contribution as equal to his. In fact he often says it’s more work and harder (esp when the kids were all small)
So I always have felt very valued in our relationship / family, even though it’s not ‘paid’ work.

@PurpleWisteria1 Yes this is how I feel too. I would have definitely been stay at home parent if we could have afforded it and it wouldn't have concerned me at all. I'd have probably had to do something like you did when they were in school for my own sanity and so I could get a job if finances changed but it would never cross my mind my husband would change so dramatically that he would leave me in the sh*t because he just isn't like that. And when people say 'Well no one goes into marriage and expects it to fail' well I kind of think planning for it in case means you can't be 100% certain about them.

Or maybe don't get together with someone who you feel you would have to hide money from in the bloody first place?! Somehow setting yourself up for expecting to be exploited.

I think some people are just reading to respond, with no comprehension.

The fuck you fund is to go if you need to. In your account, it's not considered marital assets until the union is properly dissolved - after you've gotten away.

It's more secure than joint savings which an abusive/otherwise partner can clear out before you can say boo. Even though that's a marital asset, you'll still need to undergo legal proceedings to recover that.

The OP, like my grandmother is advising you have money you can access, without notice to spouse, without a second signature etc so you can leave a relationship that needs to end.

If you're on/below the breadline this may not be possible, but the large swathes of women on MN are just wilfully making themselves vulnerable with no escape plan.

Given half of marriages end in divorce, OP advice seems solid to me.

Again, if you can - Do! If you genuinely can't, store the knowledge in the hope your circumstances improve and your better able to build yourself a cushion of some sort.

Half a loaf is better than none.

What happens with your pensions if you are a stay at home parent for a few years? Does the other parent make your contributions for you, do you still get the same tax relief as if you’d earned the money? How do you pay your national insurance?

But how????
This post is aimed at high earners, surely??
I'm a registered nurse. I am well educated, went to University, did really well. I work every day whilst DC are at school, which means I don't work full time. I can't, because I need to collect primary school aged DC from school and look after them. If I were to put DC in to after school childcare it costs either the same as what I take home or sometimes more, so it's financially pointless. Aside from childcare costs, one of my DC has SEN so needs masses of input each and every day from me after school. My other DC needs very high levels of input. They both really need my support daily after school.
My pay is never going to increase; I'm at the top of my pay band. To go up another pay band it'd be a promotion in to a senior role where I'd be expected to increase my hours, which I can't do because of the above. And so it goes round in a circle, always going back to childcare issues.
I'm bright, intelligent, clever at what I do, have brilliant interpersonal skills, receive no end of positive feedback from patients, and I am a super hard worker. But no amount of these skills is going to earn me any more money, because in my job the pay is capped once you reach the top of your band/pay spine.
So the money I take home is woefully inadequate for living in the SE with a young family to provide for, and now the cost of living crisis is killing me financially. I'm poor. Really, really poor. I live on money borrowed from the bank every month. And it's beyond stressful. So how can I save??? I use my money to pay towards my mortgage, shopping, my car, everything else goes on my DC financial needs, and then it's gone. And I'm really sensible and careful with money.
Meanwhile, my DH has no career ambition, is a middle earner, lives in debt every month because he can't meet our monthly financial outgoings, works 14 hours a day, is rarely at home, leaves all childcare, household organisation, domestic chores to me because I work part time, drinks beer every night, spends a lot of time snapping, sneering and shouting at me, has a million different things about him that I hate....and ive noticed recentlythat I've lost my smile. I used to have such a radiant, glowing smile. It's gone now. Worn away.
But I'm financially trapped. I can't escape.
If I leave my husband, I literally wouldn't be able to afford to live or support my DC.
I can only dream of having savings! Instead I have nightmares about the level of stress we're about to face in a few months when our fixed rate mortgage ends and increases by hundreds a montb due to interest rate rises. I'm scared about this. We have no extra money.
We have a joint mortgage. I can't afford to buy him out. He can't afford to keep paying for his half of the mortgage and household bills and food whilst paying to live somewhere else. It would catapult him in to financial poverty which would negatively impact on DC, as he literally couldn't afford to support me and DC separately from supporting himself.
Financially, we need to all live together.
Which is miserable.
So tell me. What can I do????????
Your post reads like a different world to mine.
You must be a very high earner.
The people in my situation - we're trapped.
I was so bright eyed, radiant, enthusiastic and confident for my future when I was a young adult. That's long gone now, as DH regularly reminds me.