Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying grandparents/family members to look after baby

357 replies

Lilacriver · 07/08/2023 13:55

I’m returning to work soon and I’m going to be offering mine and MIL a bit of money to care for baby (3 days a week, taking it in turns) neither work but both have regular groups / clubs that they will be giving up to look after my baby which they are happy to do.

Some of my friends are shocked I’d offer and think I shouldn’t offer and expect them to do it for free but I am not sure what to do. They are also saying my mum and DH mum will be wrong to accept money from me.

If you’re a grandparent, do you get paid? If you’re a mum with a baby, do you pay grandparents? If so, how much is a good amount? I’ll be going back 3 days a week so won’t be earning too much

OP posts:
Duckduckie · 09/08/2023 10:44

I would offer mainly to cover soft play / food / treats. Most GP won’t accept money to be paid as such but if you offer money for activities it’s more likely to be accepted

Baba197 · 09/08/2023 10:45

I think it’s lovely to offer to pay them, they’re saving you a fortune in nursery fees and much nicer having family take care of them. They may not accept it. At very least leave them a “nursery kitty” purse with money in for trips out etc so they aren’t out of pocket

MaggieD18 · 09/08/2023 10:55

I looked after all my grandchildren whilst my daughters worked and luckily I had the financial means not to need payment but some of my friends didn’t. In my
opinion it’s better to let grandparents care for your children even if you do have to pay them and it will usually be cheaper than nursery. If you haven’t the means to do it without payment then you have to receive some sort of payment as it does cost quite a bit in outings, food, equipment etc.

TinyTeacher · 09/08/2023 10:55

Hi OP,

I think you've been very sensible to offer. They can always say no!

In my experience, many GP do it for free, but also only do one or two days. My parents did two days with my eldest for the first year, then one day a fortnight in the second tea. They have done on day a week with our twins (twice as much work!!!) and they also do some as hoch bits quite frequently. In our case they definitely wouodnt accept money -neither of them work and a make other arrangements sometimes as they like to travel but don't want to pay school holiday prices. They look after the children in our house so all necessary equipment/food is here and they don't tend to do outings that cost anything, but if they did obviously I would pay.

The important things are:
The GP need to know they are valued
They don't end up out of pocket/inconvenienced by having to source things like nappies/car seats etc.

Hope it all works out well for you and your family.

Coolingclan · 09/08/2023 10:57

Payment for looking after the child while working, babysitting for free for nights out.

HairsprayBabe · 09/08/2023 11:19

My MIL has my children 2 days a week I pay her £100pcm my parents have my children 2 days a week I pay them £100pcm
It covers any food they have there or trips they want to go on extra heating they might use etc.
I offered to pay they didn't ask and £200 a month for all our child care for two children under 4 is bloody cheap so I really don't mind - if we have a tight month they are happy for me to pay it late etc.

Deathinvegas · 09/08/2023 11:20

Tell your friends there’s no right or wrong answer. Every family is different and your family is happy with your arrangement.

i know people who do it/have done it both ways, sometimes through necessity sometimes through choice.

Spink86 · 09/08/2023 11:26

I think the best people to speak to are the parents. My dad watches my son 2 days a week and won't take any money. He was offended that I offered to pay for his coffee and my son's lunch when he took him to the soft play the other week!
However, my dad is financially secure to do this and it's what he is happy with.

Allyliz · 09/08/2023 11:47

I look after my grandchildren 3 days a week. My daughters offered to pay me but I said no as I love doing it. They have found other ways to reimburse me...flower's, wine, meals out and other treats that they know I'll enjoy. I wasn't offended to be offered money and if I had needed or wanted the cash I would have accepted it. I think its great that you appreciate them enough to offer payment for their valuable time, that's so lovely. Maybe if they don't want money a monthly gift card to use at their favourite shop or supermarket would be a lovely way to show them how thankful you are for their help and support. Hope your return to work goes well 😘

Platformboots · 09/08/2023 11:48

I don't get paid for minding my granddaughter, my son couldn't afford to for one but I wouldn't take it anyway. Family helps family out.

Mostlyoblivious · 09/08/2023 11:50

Lol, mine wouldn’t even look after the baby!!

FoodFann · 09/08/2023 11:51

We’ll be paying fuel and we’ll feed my DM who is having DD two days a week. However, if she was quitting her job to do it, which she isn’t, we would pay her.

CKMc2b · 09/08/2023 12:00

I would pay if it were my parents because they'd be giving up their busy social life and they are pensioners so need the money.

deets · 09/08/2023 12:01

If you are happy and they are happy then that's all that matters not what other people might think or say. Good for you realising that they are sacrificing their time

Sage71 · 09/08/2023 12:45

I would offer something prefaced with a comment along the lines of not sure what the correct thing to do is and I don’t want to offend you but ……. it is up to them if they accept. I don’t know their circumstances but this is 3 days a week as an ongoing commitment and much as I am sure they they will love being involved they are making sacrifices and they will have extra costs for food, activities they may choose to do etc. They won’t necessarily accept but they will know you made an offer and appreciate the value of what they are doing for you.

WannaBeRecluse · 09/08/2023 12:46

Mostlyoblivious · 09/08/2023 11:50

Lol, mine wouldn’t even look after the baby!!

It's your baby, not theirs. Unless you consulted them before conceiving to see if they were willing to fill the role you wanted them to, they have no obligation. People don't get any say about whether they are grandparents and the timing of that.

My parents never looked after my children, except in a dire emergency, and I had no other help around. My parents both worked full time and grandparented very much on their terms, as they should.

I would be different and more hands on and helpful but that's my choice. I know I'm not giving up certain social groups though. If I babysit during weekdays regularly, it will be on days that work for me.

Islandgirl68 · 09/08/2023 13:04

Yes you should offer to pay. If they refuse, you could gift them something every so often. The job of a grandparent is not to do child care and 3 times a week is a lot, especially looking after toddlers, and especially if they are giving up hobbies etc to do it. I looked after a friends wee boy one day a week, but refused to be paid, but she got me vouchers quarterly. Good to see yiu are being kind and appreciating what they are doing and not expecting it.

diddl · 09/08/2023 13:07

I think it's odd that your friends are shocked that you would offer money.

I wonder if they would be so shocked if you were going to pay for say a spa day once a month?

I'm in the middle of the two ages & can't imagine doing three full days of childcare.

I'm fit & healthy-ish.

It's more the being tied to it I think.

adriftabroad · 09/08/2023 13:10

The same @diddl : the thought horrifies me.

Maybe because I am still being a parent.

After 2 months, will they feel the same? It is a tremendous amount of work to bring up small children 3 times a week.

Mostlyoblivious · 09/08/2023 13:13

WannaBeRecluse · 09/08/2023 12:46

It's your baby, not theirs. Unless you consulted them before conceiving to see if they were willing to fill the role you wanted them to, they have no obligation. People don't get any say about whether they are grandparents and the timing of that.

My parents never looked after my children, except in a dire emergency, and I had no other help around. My parents both worked full time and grandparented very much on their terms, as they should.

I would be different and more hands on and helpful but that's my choice. I know I'm not giving up certain social groups though. If I babysit during weekdays regularly, it will be on days that work for me.

Show quote history

lol, at no point have I said, or intimated, that there was an expectation on any other person than myself here. Neither did I say I had asked them to. You implied your own context to my comment.

I was merely adding a different type of grand parenting style to the discussion.

However, I am sure it gave you a lovely little warm feeling to gently tick me off, albeit erroneously.

Have a stupendous day.

3rdtimemumma · 09/08/2023 13:17

I gave a nominal amount. Maybe £10 a day? Just so they could get coffees out and that kind of thing. Also, it really helped my mum that she could claim pension credits for the childcare to help with her missing national insurance years! So worth checking this! See moneysavingexpert.com

KayohB · 09/08/2023 13:17

In the past I have always offered and expected to compensate grandparents if they were minding my children on a regular basis to enable me to earn. It’s not babysitting or them choosing to take their gcs to spend quality time together, it’s childminding and it can be hard work. They might not want to take payment but it’s probably best to discuss and offer before the arrangement starts.

Gumptionesque · 09/08/2023 13:31

It’s perfectly fine to offer. Shows you appreciate their time and that they’re giving things up to help you. They have the choice to accept or decline the offer, but will know their help is valued by you.

Granville1 · 09/08/2023 13:35

I don’t pay my parents but every once in a while buy them a super nice gift or take them out for / pay for them to have a meal

Iwasafool · 09/08/2023 13:37

MariaVT65 · 09/08/2023 10:29

I’m not referring to a situation where grandparents can’t pay for their own heating though am I. Fortunately, absolutely none of my friends’ parents who provide childcare are currently in that situation.

I also absolutely agree that I would provide things like nappies and some food. But to me there’s a big difference between covering basic costs/providing basic items and actually paying what is effectively a salary to them. Someone on here mentioned they paid their parents £1000 a month. That’s more than I paid a professional childminder.

Show quote history

So if the circumstances warranted it you would pay. That's great.

Swipe left for the next trending thread