Paying grandparents/family members to look after baby

[Lilacriver]

I’m returning to work soon and I’m going to be offering mine and MIL a bit of money to care for baby (3 days a week, taking it in turns) neither work but both have regular groups / clubs that they will be giving up to look after my baby which they are happy to do.

Some of my friends are shocked I’d offer and think I shouldn’t offer and expect them to do it for free but I am not sure what to do. They are also saying my mum and DH mum will be wrong to accept money from me.

If you’re a grandparent, do you get paid? If you’re a mum with a baby, do you pay grandparents? If so, how much is a good amount? I’ll be going back 3 days a week so won’t be earning too much

I don’t understand how all this free childcare is being facilitated (in general, not OP).

If you assume the average age when first child is born is 30, that means first grandchild at 60 (could easily be 50 or even earlier though).

Surely most people are still working full time at 60. Is there really a general expectation that women will be able to give up the last decade of their working life to provide childcare?

Are those who are expecting the free childcare also expecting to give up work in 20-30 years time?

If that’s the case, all that has been achieved is a one generation shift in expectations that women will still give up work to look after kids

Yes, they are. A parent who is watching children three days a week isn't able to earn to secure their old age (assuming they aren't already retired). Will the grown children step up and help out with the needs/costs of their elderly parents in a few decades? I think some elderly parents are going to be disappointed and very let down.

I had my first child mid-twenties and my mum had retired at 60 so looked after mine. I did pay her.

People will now be retiring much later-they have hefty mortgages to pay off and much worse pensions.

My personal experience is different from above posters, interestingly.

My mum, my in laws and the parents of my friends - pretty much all of them have paid off their mortgage, switched to part time, retired early or took early retirement after being made redundant. In these cases, our parents are all still better off financially than we are, and most of them acknowledge they didn’t have to work when we were little, so they want to help out with childcare now. They know that charging us money would defeat a lot of the point. And they want to do it.

As i’ve said earlier, I’ve never heard of, and wouldn’t ever want or expect grandparents to give up their existing job to look after my child. I would also still provide things like nappies etc as I wouldn’t expect them to cover all the costs, and it would make them easier for them practically. But I wouldn’t pay what is effectively a salary, nor would I ever think of charging my children for help if I become a grandparent one day. I acknowledge it might be different for others, in less fortunate situations.

Thing is @MariaVT65, payment comes in many different forms. How will you feel when your elderly parents need your help ten or 20 years down the line? I’m pretty sure the family I mentioned will be presented with a bill at some point.

Yeah but the only kind of payment i’m seeing on this thread is money, now. I agree with posters it’s good to show gratitude, buy gifts etc.

What happens now doesn’t really impact the future either does it. People may not need care. People may have moved. Our generation may still not have the money to help with costs. In a scenario where I lived near my mum now and later, I wouldn’t pay her now, just as I wouldn’t expect her to pay me for caring for her later. Family relationships are not a business transaction in my opinion.

I totally acknowledge this isn’t the case with everyone, but a lot of people I know are in a situation where the generation now in their 60s are currently much better off financially than those of us in their 30s with kids. This is also the generation that got free/lower education costs and where one parent often didn’t have to work while their children were little.

That's lovely of them, you are very lucky 😊

When my DCs were babies, until they left primary school my parents had them 6 days a month. I was happy to pay them for four reasons:

1. They were enabling me to earn money
2. They were saving me money compared to a nursery/childminder
3. My DCs were always looked after with love and were given all the attention they needed
4. They needed the extra money

in addition, when they went to nursery/school I paid for petrol, and also for days out in the holidays. There is absolutely nothing wrong with offering to pay the DGPs for taking care of your DC. It’s up to them whether or not they accept.

@Moreorlessmentallystable we're very thankful! My mum in particular worked in and then managed a private nursery for twenty years so I think she has super immunity to all childhood illnesses!

I wouldn't pay them but I would maybe send them down with a lunch pack so they are not out of pocket and maybe dome spending money for example money for ice cream if they go the park or softplay etc so they are not out of pocket. It can be expensive trying to entertain children.

The kinds of opinions shared by @DaisyAndDonaldDuck sounds so entitled to me. But maybe that’s because I’ve never had any family nearby to help with my children, so absolutely any help I could get, especially if it’s a regular thing, would be so very much appreciated here.

If I had the help you have, then I would “gift” some money to them so that it covers at least their petrol costs and lunch and perhaps an activity with your child if they wished to go out.

Based on my income, I’d gift them £30 per day.

of course they may not take it or need it but I would certainly offer it as a gift and perhaps put it directly into their accounts so they have it there anyway.

Not the case!

If they are providing occasional babysitting let them do it for free, but regular childcare you should offer to pay them. The are giving up considerable free time and will be putting a lot in to having your child so often. If they say no they want to do it for free, fair enough, but to EXPECT them to do it for free, would be taking advantage of them.

I’m a grandparent and look after my grandchildren a few days every week. I would love to get paid…they’re so expensive and I spend a lot of money on them.
Honestly I’d be happy with £10 a day and if you set it up now it’ll stop what could be an awkward conversation later. Enjoy x

If you're happy and they're happy with the arrangement, then it's no one else's business.

As a childminder of many years I regularly meet grandparents at toddler groups etc who look after their grandchildren. Yes they love spending time with them and yes the majority do it for no payment, but I also get the other side of the story that they feel used and often exhausted but feel unable to say no. The pressure then grows if they have more than one set of grandchildren to whom they feel they have to offer the same level of childcare. I’m a fit a asos well 56 year old with 6 mindees between 1 and 10 years….I find them exhausting, I can’t imagine having to do this in my 70s or even longer!

Agh predictive text!
*fit and well!

I look after my DGD one day per week in term time. Offer was made and accepted. No money changes hands. But it is really entitled to assume that grandparents should always make that offer - quite outrageous in fact!

as a grandparent who's looked after 4 soon. to be 5 of my grandkids until they started nursery. I'm only 54 now eldest is now 17 youngest 3 months I've given up most of my days off to look after grandkids when I worked do in effect never had a day off , I help out at a club that I love and has helped me Immensley this last year but I've got to give it up in Feb to mind no 5 gc I love having them but I have to go without to help my kids out , I don't have any income only DH WAGE but I feed them buy treats and whatever else they need in my care , so why should it be a bad thing to offer a token payment to
the grandparents, it'd go on kids anyway

I’d just offer them expenses to cover their day

My mum was young when I had my eldest (early 50s) & she reduced her hours of work (earning slightly above minimum wage in retail) to look after him 4 days per week, so we absolutely insisted on paying her.

She really didn't want to accept the money but she wouldn't have been able to afford to live otherwise. She was definitely our preferred choice given she loves our DCs like they're her own and also looked after them in our house. She also wanted to do it and loved her time with them (albeit tiring as she got older!)

We therefore insisted & simply did a bank transfer every month to cover her 'lost' wages. We also topped up her NI to ensure she didn't lose out on her pension. Talking about money was like getting blood from a stone though, so we had to insist as really didn't want her to lose out financially (& my dad is no longer around, so she is on her own).

She ended up looking after all 3 boys until the eldest went to senior school. I'm so pleased she did as they're all so close to her, absolutely make a point of visiting her off their own bat & call her more often than I do (& tell me off for not calling her enough).

It worked brilliantly for us but we did have clear boundaries- we made sure we were home by 6pm at the latest, gave her plenty of notice of our holidays & vice verse, ensured we had food that she liked for lunch & enough food for the boys & gave her extra when she took them on days out etc. We had a very respectful relationship all round.

Definitely offer Op - you know their financial situation best, and insist if you have to.

Never been paid for looking after any of my grandchildren even when it was daily while daughter worked. Would have loved to be paid but it was about saving money on childcare while so young.

I mind my grandchild daily from 7am-4pm. I charge as I gave up my hobby and it reduced my ability to come and go as I please and meet friends, (friends all have children in their late teens and aren’t overly enamoured about a baby at every meet-up) I was a young mum, so I have a child 8 years older than they do.
I get 80£ a week, I probably spend a chunk of it on him in some way or another between food and activities.
When I agreed to do it I also agreed to clear all holidays with them, I may take off an hour early on a Friday for a weekend but this is arranged well in advance. I have also taken him away on weekends, so it’s not like I don’t spend time with him outside of childcare hours.
The reason I ask to be paid was acknowledgment of what I was actually doing for them and as a result of having an agreement in place everyone is happy.

It never occurred to us to offer and I’m certain my in laws wouldn’t have accepted. They were happy they were spending time with their grandchildren and growing a bond with them.

They weren’t necessarily the most practical option all the time but the fact they saved us money made it worth it so to pay them would remove that benefit.