Paying grandparents/family members to look after baby

[Lilacriver]

I’m returning to work soon and I’m going to be offering mine and MIL a bit of money to care for baby (3 days a week, taking it in turns) neither work but both have regular groups / clubs that they will be giving up to look after my baby which they are happy to do.

Some of my friends are shocked I’d offer and think I shouldn’t offer and expect them to do it for free but I am not sure what to do. They are also saying my mum and DH mum will be wrong to accept money from me.

If you’re a grandparent, do you get paid? If you’re a mum with a baby, do you pay grandparents? If so, how much is a good amount? I’ll be going back 3 days a week so won’t be earning too much

My in laws refused to take any money for food or anything else looking after my children so we gave them restaurant vouchers at Xmas every year. I know it may not seem like a lot but they were grateful

I find it astounding how much women’s labour is devalued.

Why SHOULDN’T childcare be paid, regardless of the provider?

The idea that grandmothers should provide free childcare out of love, and if they want to be paid then the children are better off with a childminder, as one poster suggested baffles me. A stranger is worth paying for, but not a family member? How does that logic work, unless people don’t value women’s time and energy? Especially with the cost of living rising so much?

I really can’t imagine expecting someone to have minded my kids for free while I worked.

I find it bizarre that you wouldn't automatically pay them for minding your child. It's a job FFS. Being a grandparent taking your grandkids out when it suits you is a completely different thing. I think if you're so unwilling to pay for them giving up their time then go and pay for professional child care.

We paid expenses (train fare / petrol) and also set up a bank account with money for them to use on things like picking up milk / groceries for the house or coffee or the zoo or whatever.

Still cheaper than nursery but for us it lessened the guilt of having DD in nursery full time (she was in other days my parents didn't cover) and about building the grandparent / child relationship.

I'd also bear in mind fitness and stamina levels vary greatly. Most parents find it exhausting when you get older it can be even more so......and can surprise grandparents who were not expecting it.

I didn’t offer payment but I would book any baby classes that I wanted my DD to attend and would also supply her meals (admittedly more to monitor her intake and allergies though). Now that she’s 3 I still put some healthier snacks in her bag but they never get eaten - MIL feeds her with rubbish instead but that’s a different matter 🫣

Also should add that they begged us to have her instead of her attending nursery, which worked better for us in terms of drop offs etc. I guess it depends on their wishes really - if they’re keen or not..

My parents have never expected any money, neither have in laws. They enjoy and appreciate the time with their grand kids. I think it probably depends on how everyone is financially though. Both sets of parents have more money than we do, but if they didn't then I'd probably offer money to cover things like food. I have always supplied nappies amd wipes x

My mam has been minding my children for 10 years now.
I started off paying her 25 euro per day (one son).
Then 30 euro per day when it was my 2 boys.
On a 5 day week, she wouldn't take more than Eur120 for that week.

Her days were long, in one job from 8am - 5pm or 10am -7pm.
Now the boys are in school, her days were easier as she'd collect from school so 2.30pm - 8pm (depending on my hours).

They'd be getting lunch & dinner and she'd be giving up her free time. I absolutely think they should be paid. Eur120 may not be much in scale of things but I think it is nice for your mam/MIL to get something so that you msy return to work.

If they weren't child minding for you, you'd be paying much more elsewhere and someone you didn't trust as much.

I pay my Mam £10 per day to look after my boys, it covers her petrol more than anything as it's about 9 miles from her house to mine. She drives down to collect them from school, takes them back to hers for tea etc sometimes 3 times per week. It's an arrangement we came to over 10 years ago (and she's never put her rates up with inflation 😉)
I don't see an issue with it at all, I'd pay an awful lot more to a childminder but everybody's situation is different, do what suits you.

I am a grandmother with 18 grandchildren, 3 living locally. My daughter originally offered to pay me which I certainly don’t need & refused, purely on the basis that it would guarantee her I would always be available.
I looked after her children for no payment but I needed to be free to visit my other children occasionally.

As a grandparent who has a good pension but is also still working and have lots of interests and social life I’d be prepared to do one day for nothing but not anything substantial
i get annoyed as in my daughters husband family the grandparents help one of their children with the grandchildren a lot more than the others it’s not just the fact the mother earns a massive amount and doesn’t pay anything but it’s the flexibility too
my daughter doesn’t get the same support although im
not saying don’t get any help
as they are in Australia we can’t help that much tbh I’d probably rather help her with the childcare payments and stay free to do my own thing 😉🤔my husbands disabled so he can’t really help

My Mum has my kids 2 days a week. I pay her £100 per kid a month.

She works part time but doesn't earn a lot and I know that feeding them, petrol, little trips out and clubs all add up. So I cover those expenses and she might have a really small amount leftover.

Still saves me a fortune in childcare but also means my kids don't become a financial burden on her

I think there is confusion here between those saying they would refuse to pay, and those of us who wouldn’t think of paying as it’s just not the done thing in our circles. It’s not that grandparents SHOULD look after children out of love, but that they offer to and want to. A lot of my parents’ generation only needed one parent to work, and they recognise we are now both having to work to pay a mortgage, so they want to help out. I seriously don’t know any friends who pay their parents (other than covering some expenses for days out, providing nappies etc.

I’d also argue that a child is not better off with a family member compared to a nursery/childminder in every case. Depends who the family member is, how much they do with the child, how much the child gets to see other children, how much the family member helps with development and also how much they consider wellbeing and safety.

However, I have to admit, the whole mention on this thread of grandparents giving up existing work to care for grandchildren is a completely new one on me. Hadn’t heard that before, nor would I want that.

Depends on the situation...it should not be assumed that grandparents will just do it for free especially if their situation does not allow for this or is going to be significantly impacted perhaps by reducing hours or giving up work. My mum looks after a family members children and is paid what her pay for a day at work that she helps on would have been (still cheaper than childcare for two little ones!) as she is not in a position to do so otherwise but absolutely wanted to help with childcare if possible. Is appropriate and right imo to offer and grandparents can accept or decline.

Wow. Can't believe how many people think Grandparents being paid is unacceptable. I'm truly disgusted with this sense of entitlement. My Mum is a far better carer for my children because she loves them. It's a massive commitment and I would never expect her to do it for free( she couldn't afford to either), in my opinion that would be completely taking advantage. At bare minimum expenses should be covered unless Grandparent can afford and genuinely doesn't need/ want the money but it should always be offered!

@MariaVT65, a previous poster said that if grandparents wanted to be paid, they’d hire childcare. As in, instead of paying grandparents. Not because the grandparents weren’t a safe or good choice, but solely because they wouldn’t do it for free.

I really don't understand this phenomenon.....does 'family' not mean anything anymore? Are people not able to do something for enjoyment or kindness without getting some reward or something in it for them?!

I mean by all means no parent should be expecting a GP to stop their lives or change plans to care for their children, or providing constant care, taking the P with it, but within reason GP's should be happy to do it because they want to see their grandchildren and help their children, not because they want to get paid 🤦‍♀️

I think it’s a complex issue and depends why the grandparent wants to be paid. Again, I don’t know anyone personally who pays their parents, and I know that’s because their parents don’t wish to be paid, are financially better off and genuinely wish to help out. Depends how much they want to be paid and ultimately, why. I do also think it has the potential to cause tension in the relationship IF you the granparent ends up doing something wrong or is not providing a level of care that you feel your child needs, and it could be a difficult conversation, especially if you pay them.

And so yes, I kind of also can see the point of PP. My family don’t live locally, so my son is in a nursery. The nursery gives my son healthy meals, brushes his teeth, helps him with his delayed speech, he enjoys being with other kids, and they take them out on trips. Depends on the granparent, but I wouldn’t get all of this from grandparents, so if i’m going to be spending money, I may favour professionals. HOWEVER, i’m saying this based on what I know of my family and their capabilities. Other grandparents may be amazing.

My thing is, if they’re good enough to work for you for free, then it seems very odd that someone would choose to pay a sitter vs the grandparents solely because they asked to be paid. I don’t see WHY the grandparent wants to be paid as mattering, honestly. Anyone else who works 8-12 hours a day caregiving doesn’t have to justify wanting to be paid, I don’t see why being family means you’re not worthy of it.

Personally, I’ve never had family caregivers for my kids. We weren’t local, so never an option.

I can understand some grandparents saying no thanks to being paid. But I DON’T understand the mindset that they shouldn’t be, that they should do it for love alone. I honestly feel it’s because caregiving has been traditionally a woman’s job and therefore not valued as it should be.

We see it on the other end of the spectrum as well, with elder care: hiring people is too expensive, so it’s often the daughters and DILs who are expected to step up and help out, without any pay, including covering the expenses incurred by providing care (gas, parking, daycare, time off work, etc).

A person’s time is valuable. Caregiving is a job, and should be respected as such, and compensation should at least be offered as a normal thing vs exception, imo

It depends on their circumstance and yours. I give my mum money, she watches my 3rd baby for 1.5 days and she goes to nursery the other 2 days. She did offer to have her full time, but my eldest is 16 so she’s been doing my childcare for years lol so I think that would have been taking advantage. I didn’t give her money for my previous 2 as I wasn’t in a financial position to, but now I am so I do and she appreciates it.

like you say, the money I give her only gets spent on me and my kids anyway lol god bless grandparents!

I mean by all means no parent should be expecting a GP to stop their lives or change plans to care for their children, or providing constant care, taking the P with it, but within reason GP's should be happy to do it because they want to see their grandchildren and help their children, not because they want to get paid
@Mummyof287

It's all well and good doing it for the benefit of wanting to see your grandchildren but with the cost of living nowadays, making memories doesn't pay the bills. Why should grandparents have to be free childminders and put themselves out of pocket (trips, nappies) so their adult child can earn a full time wage.

It's the village phenomenon again. Parents always expect the village to ralley around and provide free child care, but soon as granny needs £50 for petrol money, she's being unreasonable

I hope all the people expecting free childcare when they are being done the favour are going to fully rise to the occasion when their parents are elderly and need a lot of care.

Interesting you should say that. I know of a family that has never paid for childcare. Not a penny. The majority of it has been done by her mum and the rest by his. Both mums are single and it’s pretty obvious that the one doing the most has planned ahead and this is her insurance policy if the time comes when she can’t look after herself. It doesn’t seem to have occurred to the beneficiaries of the free childcare who have nearly paid their mortgage off with the money they’ve saved. They’re in for a hell of a shock one day.

We paid my MIL to looks after our two. My family found it bizarre that she accepted.