Paying grandparents/family members to look after baby

[Lilacriver]

I’m returning to work soon and I’m going to be offering mine and MIL a bit of money to care for baby (3 days a week, taking it in turns) neither work but both have regular groups / clubs that they will be giving up to look after my baby which they are happy to do.

Some of my friends are shocked I’d offer and think I shouldn’t offer and expect them to do it for free but I am not sure what to do. They are also saying my mum and DH mum will be wrong to accept money from me.

If you’re a grandparent, do you get paid? If you’re a mum with a baby, do you pay grandparents? If so, how much is a good amount? I’ll be going back 3 days a week so won’t be earning too much

With a childminder or nursery you get free hours and I’m pretty sure the government have recently increased those hours.

depending on the length of the days I would be making sure they were getting less than a nursery was getting otherwise they might aswell go to a nursery!

my in laws and my parents would never ask for money but I have offered petrol money to my parents as they come from far away every time they do it but they have always refused.

I recognise that grandparents aren’t always rich and need the money but equally they aren’t registered childminders therefore you can’t use tax free or free hours…

@Smeeps the Government haven’t introduced the new free hours yet, and if there is a general election they might not happen anyway

I also think payment is weird. However, I would cover all expenses (zoo trips, meals out etc) and also buy a nice bunch of flowers/wine/chocs every so often to show my appreciation. its a massive favour but paying grandparents just seems odd, it’s too close a relationship, but I accept that there’s little logic to my views, just gut feeling.

Be interesting to see if they accept, my in laws and parents wouldn’t even accept a tenner here and there to cover food. So I pack their bags generously with snacks, drinks etc to minimise how much they spend on them but they do come back still in the bag quite often.
I have also transferred my national insurance credits to my FIL to ensure he gets a full pension as he had to give up his physical job at a fairly young age due to injury.
We try to treat them a bit extra at birthdays/christmas by giving them a special present from the kids and also on mother’s and father’s days.

Yes definitely money towards expenses and even then they’re doing a huge favour, can you not use a nursery or childminder and have them only so 1 days a week (even that is a lot for the keenest of grandparents) It’s such a shame they are having to give up clubs etc at this time of life they should at last be relaxing and enjoying themselves.

How about a communal pot of cash for use when taking DC out ? To cover coffee in the park or entry to things when they’re older ? I only have ours on a add hoc basis and am happy and able to treat ours when I do but I know that if it was all the time and I was a bit stretched then a pot to dip in to would be helpful.

My mil helps us out hugely by staying over one night and doing two full days child care. She won't even take fuel money (she drives 40 min each way) but I always make sure to treat her for meals etc when she's here if we go out and I have ramped up all our other gifts to her and frequently get her flowers and other treats to make sure she knows how much we appreciate it. I told her once how much money she was saving us and she was shocked! I also make sure I invite her to spend time with us outside of the help she provides. I think if you can afford the gesture that's great to offer. They might refuse but you will know you offered. It's no one else's business either way. Not right or wrong!

We had each of our GC in turn, once a week and wouldn’t have dreamt of asking to be paid. However, my mother was my childminder, 5 days a week for 18 months. I didn’t pay her but I gave her money for food and bought her extra presents.

Surely it will depend on their finances, how well off (or not) they are. Plus I dare say some would be affronted that payment is even offered, others may expect, or hope for it.

I certainly never wanted or expected payment, but then I’d offered to do the childcare (just one day a week) and didn’t need the money.

Unless it's needed I'd hang off offering to pay - while it shouldn't be expected it will more often be the case that grandparents will do the caring for free. In my experience I'd say don't push it with no more than 1-2 days a week for each set of grandparents if that's what you have but do offer things like paying expenses for trips, provide food, nappies etc. If they are offering then assume it's because they want to nit because they have to - the idea about national insurance credits is great too - you seem very hell bent of paying money to save money when you might not actually need to pay anything or much at all (ps if you have more than one don't be surprised if all of the offers of help recede - enjoy all the help being offered now)

I wouldn’t pay grandparents for childcare, but I also wouldn’t put them in a situation where they were looking after kids more than 1 or 2 days. I would deffo show my appreciation by buying gifts etc, but like a PP said, I think actually paying them would cause a boundary issue.

It’s also different for everyone. I have 2 close friends who work as a nurse and midwife, their parents help out a lot with childcare as they are still better off than my friends financially, my friends would be priced out of work paying for childcare all week, and the grandparents are happy to do it.

It really depends. If they are giving up working hours, then it would be reasonable to pay them. Of course you aren't forcing them to give up working, if they are, but offering at least shows you are taking into account their needs since they are doing you a favour.

I personally wouldn't be giving up my social clubs permanently (missing them to help in an emergency is another thing). I've done that for over 30 years raising my kids already. It's really important for older people to stay connected.

If your parents were on the breadline, sitting wrapped in blankets because they can't afford to put the heating on and the kids having games plugged in, or TV on, or needing a drink even if you brought them a packed lunch would make them struggle even more, would you feel it was OK not to give them something towards costs. Not looking at them making a profit but making sure they aren't out of pocket.

How entitled are you!

Yes i would offer them something, if only to cover petrol costs, days out ect.
Perhaps a voucher meal out ect if wont accept money.

I think you’ve done absolutely the right thing in offering! Especially if they’re providing food for little one. Yes you would hope grandparents would enjoy looking after their grandchildren but people should remember they don’t always get a say in the days/times they’re required. Expect too much of them and it starts to become more of a job than doing it for fun and love. They’re getting older and looking after kids is tiring at the best of times. There shouldn’t be an expectation on them to, although many (my own included) are delighted to help out!

I wouldnt offer to pay them as such but i would offer to provide any equipment, food, clothes, nappies etc that they will need. Id also pay for any trips they wanted to take the child on.

I think paying for a treat every now and then is also a good idea. Just to show appreciation.

I am 53 and DD 15 and I love her more than life itself.

Her baby, my GC I would love to pieces, obviously. I would also want to help. But even at "only" 53, the thought of doing 3 days full on with a baby/toddler is exhausting.

In short, I would defrinitely expect payent andy DD would deinitely offer.
The posters saying "I provide nappies and wipes" well yeah. You do. You would do that at paid or any childcare. AND snacks. And everything.

"I provide money for treats, like a coffee at the park" Fuck off to that patronising attitude.

I suggest ALL parents navigate a year of nursery/child sick days/holidays/what you need to provide/inflexibility of places before saying grandparents are almost lucky, to do this.

I live in Spain.Lots of Grandparents get paid.

If they’ve offered to do it for free then there’s no need to pay. However 3 days a week, every week is a big ask. I’d end up buying them extra presents and treats as a Thankyou.
If they offered but are reacting to the huge childcare costs you would have to outlay then I would pay them.

It really depends how their offer of childcare came about.

We looked after our grandaughter full time while my daughter worked. She couldn't afford to pay for childcare after suddenly becoming a single parent, and we were happy/able to help. We could have registered as childminders and taken state money for childcare, but we didn't.

But. I think parents underestimate the toll it takes on grandparents, especially if their own toddler rearing days have been over for more than a few years. They absolutely should be offered payment if the parents can afford it, if only to show that their time and help is valued and appreciated. Many will refuse - I would - but I wouldn't judge anyone who accepted.

Free childcare from grandparents dates back to a time when most married women did not work and expected to assume a caring role for the rest of their lives. It's not like that now.

If you want to offer to pay then that’s up to you but I’d be very surprised if they accepted it, I looked after our eldest grandson 4 days a week until he started nursery at 3 (Covid stopped us with younger) and loved having him, it’s a special grandparent thing 🥰

I’m not referring to a situation where grandparents can’t pay for their own heating though am I. Fortunately, absolutely none of my friends’ parents who provide childcare are currently in that situation.

I also absolutely agree that I would provide things like nappies and some food. But to me there’s a big difference between covering basic costs/providing basic items and actually paying what is effectively a salary to them. Someone on here mentioned they paid their parents £1000 a month. That’s more than I paid a professional childminder.

Also to add, I would absolutely not expect my parents to give up work. Again, all my friends’ parents who provide childcare already work part time/are retired/retired early after being made redundant.

Close relatives don't need to register.

I pay my mum £360 per month to look after my child two days a week. She has given up hours at work to do it for me (along with the drop in pension contributions and reduced annual leave entitlement that comes with a reduction in hours). I think it's wild that anyone would expect their parent to do that for free. I provide my child's lunches and all the supplies she needs to have them. I also got her a car seat, buggy, and cot for her house so she would have everything she needs.

I think it's absolutely right to offer. If your parent doesn't need it then they likely won't accept it but many grandparents aren't in a position to do it for free.