Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExDH refusing to tell me name of Nursery

138 replies

onwardsandupwards23 · 07/08/2023 09:00

Hello,

I'll try to keep this brief - really need some perspective.

I separated from exDH a year ago. He was emotionally and financially abusive. I'm from another country and have no family in the UK. My mum moved here following the separation and cares for my daughter half the week, former PIL care for her the other half of the week.

ExDH has just told me DD is starting nursery next week. He refused to tell me the name of the nursery. He said he, his parents and DD have all visited many times and this must have been planned for months. He made no mention of it to me until now and refuses to tell me the name of the nursery unless I financially contribute to the cost.

For context - his parents are wealthy and are likely paying for it. However , whilst I was the higher earner in the relationship - ex pushed aggressively for a very high financial settlement so that I can buy him out of the house and enable my mother to remain here to support me. His family's wealth wasn't considered, nor was my lack of family in the Uk (aside from my mother who stays with me). He has refused permission for me to return to my home country.

Whilst I would like to contribute to the cost of nursery 2 days per week, my finances are stretched to breaking point at the moment. Is it reasonable for him to refuse give me the name of the nursery? It makes me deeply uneasy not to know where she is two days a week.

OP posts:
DongsOfPraise · 07/08/2023 09:16

I’m sure that you have a legal right to know. My ex is abusive and is entitled to know where our children go to school but doesn’t have the legal right to take them out of their schools, as this is what the court decided upon.

I know it’s expensive but I think if you haven’t already, you need to sort all this out via family court to try and avoid him behaving this way again. Massive sympathy to you OP, it’s hard dealing with people like this.

MoonLion · 07/08/2023 09:19

I would fight very hard against a financial contribution. You are covering the childcare when DD is with you, it's his responsibility to cover it when she's with him. He's blackmailing you, and if you give in this time he'll use a similar strategy again in future. If that means not knowing the name of the nursery or taking him back to court then so be it.

Endofroadinhs · 07/08/2023 09:23

Personally I would just sow an air tag into her coat or if she takes a little bag away with her to Dads, you will soon be able to locate the nursery this way and will have peace of mind xx

tescocreditcard · 07/08/2023 09:23

I think you should pay half of the nursery fees.

Failing that, just follow him one morning to see where he goes.

Wakeywake · 07/08/2023 09:26

Why should she? She's responsible for the childcare when the child is with her. If she sent DD to nursery on those days, she wouldn't be entitled to help from the ex.

Dreambe · 07/08/2023 09:26

If you share care then if he chooses to put her into nursery ok his days then he pays the cost.

Speak to a solicitor about where you stand legally on knowing where she goes to nursery. I’d say he’s blackmailing you to get you to pay the fees.

Flopsythebunny · 07/08/2023 09:27

tescocreditcard · 07/08/2023 09:23

I think you should pay half of the nursery fees.

Failing that, just follow him one morning to see where he goes.

Why would she pay for half of the nursery fees on his time? Its up to him to sort and pay for childcare when he has his child just like op does on her time.

tescocreditcard · 07/08/2023 09:29

OK. I just thought paying half the fees would be quicker and cheaper than going to court.

Or pay it now, wait till he tells you the nursery, then stop paying 😀And then let HIM take you to court for the fees!

Cocopogo · 07/08/2023 09:32

How old is your daughter?
I agreed with the AirTag but only if you ex does not have an Apple phone otherwise it’ll ping his phone first.
Does he live in a city? If not there might only be a handful of nurseries in the area so can you call them and tell them your have PR and are checking if she’s going there.

Wenfy · 07/08/2023 09:32

Hire a private investigator. It’s not particularly expensive - they should be able to get you the nursery’s name in a day. You can then contact them to let them know you have parental rights.

tescocreditcard · 07/08/2023 09:34

Wenfy · 07/08/2023 09:32

Hire a private investigator. It’s not particularly expensive - they should be able to get you the nursery’s name in a day. You can then contact them to let them know you have parental rights.

Oh for God's sake thats ridiculous. You don't need to know where he goes, you only need to know where the car goes.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 07/08/2023 09:34

Be wary op he has plans to enrol dd in a school of his choice.... Is he capable of not handing her back? You need to seek legal advice..

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 09:35

Cocopogo · 07/08/2023 09:32

How old is your daughter?
I agreed with the AirTag but only if you ex does not have an Apple phone otherwise it’ll ping his phone first.
Does he live in a city? If not there might only be a handful of nurseries in the area so can you call them and tell them your have PR and are checking if she’s going there.

If you don't have an air tag you could also put an old iPhone with the 'find me' switched on and bury it deep
In her bags

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 07/08/2023 09:37

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 07/08/2023 09:34

Be wary op he has plans to enrol dd in a school of his choice.... Is he capable of not handing her back? You need to seek legal advice..

This would be my concern.

This is a very strong way of trying to make himself look like the main parent and building her strong links where he lives.

I wouldn’t take this lying down because of the precedent it sets. You have the legal right to go to parents nights and see nursery and school reports (as does he).

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 09:37

I would also be cautious as he might try to keep her there more full time and then argue that she's settled in that area and so she should live with him more than you .

You might be able to apply for a prohibited steps order to stop him
Enrolling her - that would get his attention www.georgegreen.co.uk/site/george-green-blog/family-law/can-a-childs-school-be-changed-without-other-parents-consent#:~:text=A%20parent%20cannot%20unilaterally%20change,that%20the%20other%20parent%20holds.

cestlavielife · 07/08/2023 09:38

How many nurseries are in your town? Just callthem.
In any case they will ask for both parents names on registration.
No need for op to pay if is on his days.

Cleaningismycardio · 07/08/2023 09:38

Solicitor!! If you have parental rights this is not the kind of information your ex can keep from you. Once you locate nursery ensure they know who you are, that you are on the contact info they have and that any reports/parent-teacher discussions etc involve you.

Truemilk · 07/08/2023 09:41

Are you able to ask your pil's? Or are they enabling his shitty behaviour?

Hufflepods · 07/08/2023 09:43

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 09:37

I would also be cautious as he might try to keep her there more full time and then argue that she's settled in that area and so she should live with him more than you .

You might be able to apply for a prohibited steps order to stop him
Enrolling her - that would get his attention www.georgegreen.co.uk/site/george-green-blog/family-law/can-a-childs-school-be-changed-without-other-parents-consent#:~:text=A%20parent%20cannot%20unilaterally%20change,that%20the%20other%20parent%20holds.

This just seems really combative and not in the best interests of the child.
I imagine if OP was enrolling her daughter in childcare during her time and the dad was wrongly attempting to block it that your pov would be totally different.

Your entire link is irrelevant, he hasn’t move the child to a different school. It is a private day care during his contracted time which is is legally allowed to do.

Ohthatsabitshit · 07/08/2023 09:45

Ask him in writing. If he refuses then get a solicitor involved. He definitely does need to share this kind of information.

BoohooWoohoo · 07/08/2023 09:47

How many days does he have dd during the week? If he has her 3 weekdays or more, he will be the one who gets to choose which state schools to apply for- I assume that you're applying this school year.
It's normal for him to pay for his days and you to pay on your days so you don't owe him (his parents) a contribution on his days because you have your own days to worry about.
I've no clue how quickly you could get a court date but it sounds like you need legal help to sort this out before school application time so that you can be part of the decision making process because it sounds like he could force a private school with fees on you and this school would be near his home.

RedHelenB · 07/08/2023 09:49

I would nt pay for it or make a big deal of it. Your dd will let slip enough details so you can find which one it is . But if its in his contact time then its up to him what he dies for childcare. School is a different thing as it will affect both of you.

titchy · 07/08/2023 09:49

I don't think anyone is disputing his right to use a nursery for childcare, what is being disputed is OP being kept in the dark. A solicitors letter stating that OP understands that he needs childcare and trusts his judgement in finding a suitable place, but would like confirmation of which nursery he is using so she can get in touch and ask them to share any information about their child, trips, parents evenings etc.

Ponoka7 · 07/08/2023 09:51

I agree that this needs to be sorted out in court. The two people who have PR should be points of contact in an emergency/accident. Unless he can ensure that he can always be available. His next move could be enrolling her in a school. You need to get this all legally clarified.

Ponoka7 · 07/08/2023 09:53

Also have you got time to drive around the closest nurseries with her Birth certificate? They won't tell you over the phone.