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Original poster

ExDH refusing to tell me name of Nursery

138 replies

onwardsandupwards23 · 07/08/2023 09:00

Hello,

I'll try to keep this brief - really need some perspective.

I separated from exDH a year ago. He was emotionally and financially abusive. I'm from another country and have no family in the UK. My mum moved here following the separation and cares for my daughter half the week, former PIL care for her the other half of the week.

ExDH has just told me DD is starting nursery next week. He refused to tell me the name of the nursery. He said he, his parents and DD have all visited many times and this must have been planned for months. He made no mention of it to me until now and refuses to tell me the name of the nursery unless I financially contribute to the cost.

For context - his parents are wealthy and are likely paying for it. However , whilst I was the higher earner in the relationship - ex pushed aggressively for a very high financial settlement so that I can buy him out of the house and enable my mother to remain here to support me. His family's wealth wasn't considered, nor was my lack of family in the Uk (aside from my mother who stays with me). He has refused permission for me to return to my home country.

Whilst I would like to contribute to the cost of nursery 2 days per week, my finances are stretched to breaking point at the moment. Is it reasonable for him to refuse give me the name of the nursery? It makes me deeply uneasy not to know where she is two days a week.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/08/2023 17:22

RhymesWithTangerine · 07/08/2023 14:12

The OP needs to engage with the nursery. She should tell them about the ex. The nursery will have to deal with both parents. That’s Parental Rights @mathanxiety - it doesn’t matter what the ex tells them. He’d need a court order keep information about a child from the parent.

The AirTag is just faster than ringing around. (Although what nursery doesn’t request information on the mother?)

She has to assert those rights in family court and her exH needs to be reminded that she has those rights by the court.

After she gets a prohibited steps order in place to stop the exH making unilateral decisions wrt education and childcare - in effect, forcing him back to the drawing board wrt this decision - the negotiations on nursery can commence, with mediators if necessary, otherwise via solicitors.

The same can be done if there is a dispute over school. (There will be a dispute over school). At some point this child will have to attend school and the location of said school will need to be decided. The best interests of the child should be paramount in all decisions. The exH needs to be reminded of that. The OP needs to press this point in court.

An agreement can be hammered out in mediation and presented to the court to be signed off. After that, both parties must abide by it, and there is redress for any party who feels the other has breached it, in the form of a motion for contempt of court.

@onwardsandupwards23
DO NOT use air tags. That will be used against you as evidence of controlling and stalking behaviour.

Do not ring around to find out what nursery your own child has been enrolled in. How humiliating that would be. That is exactly what this man is trying to achieve here.

You have about 16 years of trouble ahead dealing with this man. Please make sure you get a really good solicitor to press your rights and to emphasise the best interests of the child. This man needs to be taught that he cannot make up rules to suit himself, that he must obey court orders, and that you are going to fight him for your rights if he wants to run roughshod over them.

RafaistheKingofClay · 07/08/2023 17:59

She has to assert those rights in family court and her exH needs to be reminded that she has those rights by the court.

100% this. Unless there’s a huge back story we are missing, this is likely to be about control. The OP needs to show him he can’t do this and airtags won’t do that.

diddl · 07/08/2023 19:11

The issue is MIL

Do you think that she genuinely cares for your daughter?

DeeLasVegas · 07/08/2023 19:52

Definitely don’t count on a court giving you permission to remove your DD. Having been through the process with my best friend, chances are you are going nowhere 😕

Sunscummailfail · 07/08/2023 20:02

Wenfy · 07/08/2023 10:33

Nurseries and private schools don’t need both parents’ details. I registered my son myself - they didn’t ask for the dad’s details at all. I had to ask for him to be added

Show quote history

I have put my DCs through 4 independent schools and they all asked for both parents’ details.

Original poster
onwardsandupwards23 · 07/08/2023 20:05

DeeLasVegas · 07/08/2023 19:52

Definitely don’t count on a court giving you permission to remove your DD. Having been through the process with my best friend, chances are you are going nowhere 😕

I do appreciate this is a possibility (hence why I stretched mine and my family's financial resources to such an extent to ensure we have a PLAN B

OP posts:
DeeLasVegas · 07/08/2023 20:08

onwardsandupwards23 · 07/08/2023 20:05

I do appreciate this is a possibility (hence why I stretched mine and my family's financial resources to such an extent to ensure we have a PLAN B

Show quote history

Do you currently have any court orders / paperwork regarding custody arrangements for your DD?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/08/2023 20:30

@Hufflepods I would say he is the one who is being combative and not acting in the child's best interests - he is trying to financial blackmail the op into paying for fees for childcare on her ex's days and is withholding info about where she is attending an educational setting - their child with accrue a right to continued education at the same setting so he is potentially setting the scene for applying for more time and saying the child has a right to consistency , let's not be naive it's clear from the op's posts that this is not a reasonable guy so all of these reversal posts don't really cut it. Op has a right to know which educational setting her child attends. Fair enough that it's different from school in the sense that you COULD go to two nurseries on different days but you couldn't do that with school though.

Original poster
onwardsandupwards23 · 08/08/2023 21:14

Update.

He gave the name of the nursery on advice of his lawyers.

He's now refusing the childcare arrangement he himself put forward this time last year ..

I have a terminally ill uncle. His prognosis is bleak - unfortunately he hasn't responded to treatment. I'm close to him and this need is devastating.

I want to alternate weekend care to enable me to visit him. ExDH is refusing.

I suggested mediation to agree childcare arrangements - he refused.

I have made every attempt to compromise but he's just deliberately obstructive ,,

OP posts:
RafaistheKingofClay · 08/08/2023 21:16

He’s an absolute arse isn’t he. What does he want instead of alternate weekends?

UWOT1 · 08/08/2023 21:23

onwardsandupwards23 · 08/08/2023 21:14

Update.

He gave the name of the nursery on advice of his lawyers.

He's now refusing the childcare arrangement he himself put forward this time last year ..

I have a terminally ill uncle. His prognosis is bleak - unfortunately he hasn't responded to treatment. I'm close to him and this need is devastating.

I want to alternate weekend care to enable me to visit him. ExDH is refusing.

I suggested mediation to agree childcare arrangements - he refused.

I have made every attempt to compromise but he's just deliberately obstructive ,,

What does he want?

Original poster
onwardsandupwards23 · 08/08/2023 21:27

He suggested having my DD all week days and alternate weekends...

His motives are now clear and he's not thinking of DD

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/08/2023 21:32

onwardsandupwards23 · 08/08/2023 21:27

He suggested having my DD all week days and alternate weekends...

His motives are now clear and he's not thinking of DD

He suggested him having your DD all week and alternate weekends?

So he is aiming to be the resident parent

UWOT1 · 08/08/2023 21:34

onwardsandupwards23 · 08/08/2023 21:27

He suggested having my DD all week days and alternate weekends...

His motives are now clear and he's not thinking of DD

He wants residency.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 08/08/2023 21:38

onwardsandupwards23 · 07/08/2023 14:11

Thanks for all the responses!

As tempting as it may be , I won't be planing an air tag on my daughter.

I'm trying my best to take a "when he goes low, joy you go high approach" but sometimes I just feel like a doormat.

There is a court process just underway regarding child arrangements. I'd like to take my daughter home in time for school.

His emotionally abusive behaviour has increased a lot since this process got underway.

It is very sad. This conflict is not good for DD. She's too young to be impacted by it now but it will cause her harm if it continues. That was the whole reason for making an application to return home..

I will need legal advice but he's aware my funds are so limited right now. I have to pay him £60k within 60 days which he stretched my entire families resources!

As he is abusive you are entitled to Legal Aid via the domestic abuse gateway. Please call NCDV and they will employ a solicitor for free and you will have your prohibited steps order within days, without him knowing about it until he's been served. If you wish they may also order a NonMol which essentially prohibits him contacting you or your child except via a solicitor and until a child arrangements order is put in place

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 08/08/2023 21:38

I bloody knew it. Have you started the list is suggested op? You need to get organised...

RafaistheKingofClay · 08/08/2023 21:43

UWOT1 · 08/08/2023 21:34

He wants residency.

Show quote history

Yes. And if he gets this, that’ll be the address that’s counted for school applications when the time comes.

Original poster
onwardsandupwards23 · 08/08/2023 21:43

He's clearly trying to be the resident parent (while dispatching all parenting to his own parents) and leading to me paying child
Support.

This is not something I will ever agree to.

Yes, I have started on the list. Without giving too much away, I'm a healthcare professional who runs baby groups and works in educational settings.. I have a lot of deputy heads and professionals who can give statements for this court case..

My solicitor was 💯 correct when they said it would be a vicious fight

OP posts:
AlfietheSchnauzer · 08/08/2023 21:47

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 07/08/2023 17:14

Took me 4 years in court to get decent access to my dc when exh tried to remove me from their lives. Because I dared to leave HIM.. You need to fight hard op. Seriously..

Access? He took primary custody away from you??? Bloody hell I'm so sorry Flowers

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 08/08/2023 21:49

Remember your goal isn't to blacken his name(ime he will do that all by himself) but make it apparent you are the main carer, that dd's needs are being met over and above by you. That there is no need whatsoever to change dd's life so drastically.. It is in her best interests that she reside with you with regular court ordered days with ex.... Can you clarify if he has mentioned cms? Pressing those £££ buttons may have him admit there is financial reasoning behind his plan. If his plan is to blacken you and take dd away to punish you he will ime fall flat on his face in court.. Try not to stress too much op. You need your wits about you here... Parental alienation may see you win quicker than you think...

AlfietheSchnauzer · 08/08/2023 21:51

@onwardsandupwards23 What did you say to him?

Even if you don't want to obtain a prohibited steps order or a NonMol order, PLEASE call NCDV or IDAS as they will give you fantastic advice as they are professionals when it comes to dealing with men just like this!

pimplebum · 08/08/2023 21:52

Can you write to all nurseries in his area and inform them about his abusive nature and your wish to be contacted regarding your child
Ask them to contact you in confidence
It has to be one of them and they need to be informed he is nasty

Or wait until she has been for a couple of days and drive around doing drive bys asking which one it is ( assuming she is verbal )

AlfietheSchnauzer · 08/08/2023 21:52

pimplebum · 08/08/2023 21:52

Can you write to all nurseries in his area and inform them about his abusive nature and your wish to be contacted regarding your child
Ask them to contact you in confidence
It has to be one of them and they need to be informed he is nasty

Or wait until she has been for a couple of days and drive around doing drive bys asking which one it is ( assuming she is verbal )

OP now has the name of the nursery. Thank god! 🙏

Original poster
onwardsandupwards23 · 08/08/2023 21:53

I am already receiving support from IDVA and it's been invaluable!!

OP posts:
Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 08/08/2023 21:56

The fact he refused mediation will go against him. It is showing he wants a fight not to quietly agree what is best for dd.. If his family are indeed behind this to a degree they won't be in the court room. His words will give him away op. He sounds quite evil.