ExDH refusing to tell me name of Nursery

[onwardsandupwards23]

Hello,

I'll try to keep this brief - really need some perspective.

I separated from exDH a year ago. He was emotionally and financially abusive. I'm from another country and have no family in the UK. My mum moved here following the separation and cares for my daughter half the week, former PIL care for her the other half of the week.

ExDH has just told me DD is starting nursery next week. He refused to tell me the name of the nursery. He said he, his parents and DD have all visited many times and this must have been planned for months. He made no mention of it to me until now and refuses to tell me the name of the nursery unless I financially contribute to the cost.

For context - his parents are wealthy and are likely paying for it. However , whilst I was the higher earner in the relationship - ex pushed aggressively for a very high financial settlement so that I can buy him out of the house and enable my mother to remain here to support me. His family's wealth wasn't considered, nor was my lack of family in the Uk (aside from my mother who stays with me). He has refused permission for me to return to my home country.

Whilst I would like to contribute to the cost of nursery 2 days per week, my finances are stretched to breaking point at the moment. Is it reasonable for him to refuse give me the name of the nursery? It makes me deeply uneasy not to know where she is two days a week.

Nurseries and schools should be aware of all people who have PR for a child because, without a court order stating otherwise, anyone with PR can turn up and remove a child.

They should know who can (legally) do that and if there are reasons they should be stalled until the resident parent is contacted - or indeed who is prevented from doing that legally and if the police should be called if they turn up.

I'd agree with getting solicitors advice. PR entitles you to being part of any decisions about education setting.

I second what @Cleaningismycardio said, 100%

I deeply suggest you get legal advice and court orders stating exactly what is what before this child is aged to be enrolled at school. You need to take back control here and stand up for yourself. You have a legal right to know what setting she is in I know this as abusive ex who was charged with quite serious dv against me was granted permission to know due to pr rights. Do not pay for this or you will be putting a rod up your own back for future discrepancies

Exactly! This is nursery, not school, if he was to
hire a nanny to cover his days you (OP) wouldn’t have a right to know who she was.
You mention contacting the nursery to discuss trips/parent evenings etc but this is something your ex will handle, he is the nursery’s customer, not you.

Everyone with PR has the right to be involved in educational decisions.

A nanny wouldn’t have a curriculum to follow - a nursery does. It’s not the same thing.

I'm not an expert (no young dc at mo) but is a nursery at this age so different to a nanny? Surely its just childcare at this age?

It’s very different. Any registered childcare setting like a nursery or childminder have to follow the EYFS (or similar if not in England).

Also depending on the age of the OP’s child some are in schools or community setting and build links to schools - which will enhance his chances of getting a court to agree on the child going to school there and give him the advantage of having been to parents nights and getting to know the staff etc.

How old is the child?

Surely you can google the most likely nurseries in the grandparents area and then show her the photos on google and she can point to where she goes?

Really, every single mum would be happy to involve the dad in this situation even if the nursery days are on her days and she is paying for it?
OP has mentioned getting in touch with the nursery, so again, imagine you are a single mum, paying for nursery on your days, you would be happy for the dad to contact them and think he should have input / be made aware of trips and parent evenings? Or would you just tell him that he is welcome to book the child into the nursery of his choice on his days?

The dad here has 50% custody but this thread reads like people resent that he wants to parent equally and not let the OP become the ‘main’ parent.

He’s not parenting equally by putting his daughter in a nursery and refusing to share the details of it.

GET A SOLICITOR

You need a prohibited steps order forbidding your ex from making educational or childcare decisions of this kind without your express consent.

If the two of you can't agree on decisions regarding education or childcare down the road, then you both need to go to mediation, paying 50/50 if there's a bill. This can be court ordered too.

No family court judge will let him get away with this.

Well thank you for your well thought out and informative post.

Care to expand?

Not true.

The mother has PR and has the right to know who is taking care of her child.

The nanny needs to be able to contact both parents in an emergency; the mother would be the second person she contacts if the father is not available. Same goes for anyone the OP hires as a nanny.

The OP needs to go to court and get all of this sorted out.

The access agreement she has with her ex should spell out in detail both parents' rights and responsibilities wrt the child and wrt consultation, communication, and dispute resolution. There should be a prohibited steps order in place forbidding unilateral decision making wrt education and outsourcing childcate.

Any agreement between the two parents here should include being a named contact for nanny, nursery and school purposes, and ordering timely communication of such details as address, contact numbers, email addresses of each other and of childcare providers.

OP - you need a good solicitor

@mathanxiety
The nanny needs to be able to contact both parents in an emergency; the mother would be the second person she contacts if the father is not available. Same goes for anyone the OP hires as a nanny.

Would that be the case though, cant the ex put his choice of second contact, eg his mother ?

Not at all - you didn't explain what you were taking offense to, and went straight in with a personal attack

HTH

Tell me you know nothing about shared custody and the legal rights and responsibilities of parents without telling me you know nothing about shared custody and the legal rights and responsibilities of parents...

You need to educate yourself on family law and post separation/ divorce domestic abuse.

Your "if this was the other way round" statement reveals a troubling ignorance of family law and also ignorance of the dynamics of domestic abuse, specifically how ex partners will frequently use child custody and access arrangements to continue their abuse of a former partner.

They need to be able to contact both people with PR for the child

Call round all the local nurseries

”Hello there my daughter NAME is starting with you shortly and I just had a few questions I wanted to ask before she starts”

If it isn’t the right nursery say “Oh my gosh I’m so sorry I’ve called the wrong nursery entirely oopsy bye”

@onwardsandupwards23 Get it in writing - either text or email - that he’s refusing to share the details with you if you can.

Just in case he tries to say later that you knew or weren’t interested in knowing.

No, and the OP needs to get this detail ordered by the court. The parents are the primary caregivers of the child. Both have PR.

This is an abusive man clearly bent on continuing to abuse the OP, using the child as a pawn.

I agree with those saying you should get legal advice- and yes, clarify with the nursery what he has told them. They should be aware of you and your contact details- you should be an emergency contact, etc.

Schools and nurseries are not allowed to hide things from a parent with parental responsibility, even if the other parent asks them to do so. And yes, you should know which nursery it is, as well.

Getting a solicitor involved would show you are serious, and I'd also be wary of a nursery willing to go along with this, unless they've been told a pack of lies.