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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExDH refusing to tell me name of Nursery

138 replies

onwardsandupwards23 · 07/08/2023 09:00

Hello,

I'll try to keep this brief - really need some perspective.

I separated from exDH a year ago. He was emotionally and financially abusive. I'm from another country and have no family in the UK. My mum moved here following the separation and cares for my daughter half the week, former PIL care for her the other half of the week.

ExDH has just told me DD is starting nursery next week. He refused to tell me the name of the nursery. He said he, his parents and DD have all visited many times and this must have been planned for months. He made no mention of it to me until now and refuses to tell me the name of the nursery unless I financially contribute to the cost.

For context - his parents are wealthy and are likely paying for it. However , whilst I was the higher earner in the relationship - ex pushed aggressively for a very high financial settlement so that I can buy him out of the house and enable my mother to remain here to support me. His family's wealth wasn't considered, nor was my lack of family in the Uk (aside from my mother who stays with me). He has refused permission for me to return to my home country.

Whilst I would like to contribute to the cost of nursery 2 days per week, my finances are stretched to breaking point at the moment. Is it reasonable for him to refuse give me the name of the nursery? It makes me deeply uneasy not to know where she is two days a week.

OP posts:
pimplebum · 08/08/2023 22:05

You need legal advice
As I understand it taking your child abroad could be considered kidnapping and could be v serious for you
He is unlikely to allow that
You need to move closer to him to see your daughter 50:50 when school time comes
You can rent out your home and rent nearer him so if he moves to spite you you are mobile

When she is 18 hopefully she will be aware how awful her dad is and will willingly move back home with you - I'd make sure you work on her bi lingual skills and keep up positive links with home in the meantime

itsgettingweird · 08/08/2023 22:14

I thought when any child went to an education setting all parents with PR received information about it?

RafaistheKingofClay · 08/08/2023 22:17

But they have to know who has PR. Which relies on the parent enrolling them to put all parents on it.

Original poster
onwardsandupwards23 · 08/08/2023 22:49

pimplebum · 08/08/2023 22:05

You need legal advice
As I understand it taking your child abroad could be considered kidnapping and could be v serious for you
He is unlikely to allow that
You need to move closer to him to see your daughter 50:50 when school time comes
You can rent out your home and rent nearer him so if he moves to spite you you are mobile

When she is 18 hopefully she will be aware how awful her dad is and will willingly move back home with you - I'd make sure you work on her bi lingual skills and keep up positive links with home in the meantime

He has no permanent address- he is residing with his parents in accommodation he declared "unsuitable" during financial remedy proceedings.

He will soon receive over £60,000.

Surely he should rent somewhere near me? Something he professed he was eager to do in financial proceedings.

I work in different childcare settings each day, I need to remain living where we are low to keep the commute manageable. ExDH's commute is the same every day and would be manageable from where DD and I live

OP posts:
Original poster
onwardsandupwards23 · 08/08/2023 22:50

Also - I never take DD abroad without permission.

OP posts:
JaukiVexnoydi · 08/08/2023 23:00

Did you check with him whether or not he felt "uneasy" about your mum providing childcare during your half of the week or did you just assume that you had the right to make childcare arrangements that would work for you?

Original poster
onwardsandupwards23 · 08/08/2023 23:02

JaukiVexnoydi · 08/08/2023 23:00

Did you check with him whether or not he felt "uneasy" about your mum providing childcare during your half of the week or did you just assume that you had the right to make childcare arrangements that would work for you?

Of course - I've never made any decision without consulting him.

He was very happy to exploit my mother's generosity - most of his decisions are financially motivated.

OP posts:
RedRosette2023 · 09/08/2023 07:23

This sounds so so awful OP. I listened to a podcast yesterday where the court successfully found a mother was abusive towards her ex (the father) AND her children and she was stopped from seeing her children until she had therapy. That’s extreme. But I’m hoping there’s some recourse for you here. 50:50 should be the starting point for two parents who want to be the primary carer.

mathanxiety · 10/08/2023 14:46

It's not clear from your posts whether the current childcare arrangements are court ordered or unofficial or whether the divorce has been finalised. I infer from your remark wrt your solicitor saying the fight would be vicious that the two of you are currently operating under an unofficial agreement.

Your solicitor seems to have got the measure of this waste of space. You need to push for primary residency with him seeing DD EOW. What you have going for you right now is the fact that he is living with his parents.

He can't turn down mediation forever. A family court judge will order it if need be.

You can expect to be asked whether you both could move closer together to facilitate easier 50-50. Be prepared for that.

It is extremely difficult to divorce a malignant narcissist. Co-parenting is a nightmare.

mathanxiety · 10/08/2023 14:53

@onwardsandupwards23

Now that you know the name of the nursery, you need to go there/ contact them by phone and make yourself known to the staff. You need to tell them that you and exH are involved in a very contentious divorce and that child accses matters have not yet been finalised. You need to see the list of named responsible people who can pick up DD from nursery and you need to get your name and your mother's added to it ASAP. Do this as a matter of extreme urgency so you will look like a very involved parent. (Which you are, but the family court does not know this).

Original poster
onwardsandupwards23 · 10/08/2023 15:13

mathanxiety · 10/08/2023 14:53

@onwardsandupwards23

Now that you know the name of the nursery, you need to go there/ contact them by phone and make yourself known to the staff. You need to tell them that you and exH are involved in a very contentious divorce and that child accses matters have not yet been finalised. You need to see the list of named responsible people who can pick up DD from nursery and you need to get your name and your mother's added to it ASAP. Do this as a matter of extreme urgency so you will look like a very involved parent. (Which you are, but the family court does not know this).

Thank you very much for the advice. I deeply appreciate it.

I contacted the nursery yesterday and arranged to visit next week. I want to introduce myself in person and provide all the necessary details.

DD will be in my care three working days. It would make much more sense for him to move closer to us as he is living with his parent in accommodation his solicitor described as "unsuitable" in financial remedy proceedings.

I have taken on extra work leading baby groups and at a school nearby that I would like DD to go to if we remain in the Uk.

OP posts:
RedRosette2023 · 10/08/2023 19:38

I’m so glad you have managed to contact the nursery OP.

itsmei · 30/08/2023 20:57

I'm so sorry your going through this. I'm the same, it's been 2 years now. Did you settle with him on 50/50? I hope your family member is doing ok. Terminal illness is so terrible especially when you're so close to them, I know.

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