ExDH refusing to tell me name of Nursery

[onwardsandupwards23]

Hello,

I'll try to keep this brief - really need some perspective.

I separated from exDH a year ago. He was emotionally and financially abusive. I'm from another country and have no family in the UK. My mum moved here following the separation and cares for my daughter half the week, former PIL care for her the other half of the week.

ExDH has just told me DD is starting nursery next week. He refused to tell me the name of the nursery. He said he, his parents and DD have all visited many times and this must have been planned for months. He made no mention of it to me until now and refuses to tell me the name of the nursery unless I financially contribute to the cost.

For context - his parents are wealthy and are likely paying for it. However , whilst I was the higher earner in the relationship - ex pushed aggressively for a very high financial settlement so that I can buy him out of the house and enable my mother to remain here to support me. His family's wealth wasn't considered, nor was my lack of family in the Uk (aside from my mother who stays with me). He has refused permission for me to return to my home country.

Whilst I would like to contribute to the cost of nursery 2 days per week, my finances are stretched to breaking point at the moment. Is it reasonable for him to refuse give me the name of the nursery? It makes me deeply uneasy not to know where she is two days a week.

Agree with everyone, this is your daughter and she is spending time at this nursery. You need to be able to contact the nursery and know how she's getting on. There is no reason why you shouldn't also have access to all the nursery information.

Also imagine what he is telling everyone and how it looks to the nursery staff, like you're at best an uninvolved parent and at worse a dangerous parent. It sets a bad present for when it comes to state schools and so on. Does your ex live close to you?

ExDH has just told me DD is starting nursery next week. He refused to tell me the name of the nursery. He said he, his parents and DD have all visited many times and this must have been planned for months. He made no mention of it to me until now and refuses to tell me the name of the nursery unless I financially contribute to the cost.

If this was the other way round, and OP was saying "EX wants to know the name of the nursery, but I dont want to tell him. He's not paying for it, why should I?
I have now found an airtag / iphone in her bag what should I do"

I think there would be some different replies. He would be accused of stalking and all sorts

I would say to him, well its doesnt need to be a secret if you will hand it over for cash then? At a pinch you could agree to pay and then renege?

Trouble is, he is her parent whether you like it or not, and you have to trust he is making the right decisions for her

I would sow an airbag in her coat too, you are not responsible for the cost of nursery if it's on days she's not with you. He's trying to assert some kind of control over you. I don't even know if he can enrol her I to without your consent though, I would ask your child, drive her around some nurserys near him and ask her which one she's going too if the airbag doesn't work

When my ds started secondary school exh told the head I was dead.. Took a call from a court official to prove I wasn't.. Be very wary op. Please.

I agree with the private investigator route. Quick, simple and relatively cheap.

My ex is not a contact for either of my children at their schools

He is also uninvolved violent prone to getting arrested and yes I am able to enrole my children in schools and apply for them without his name being added

He is building a case against you

He is being totally unreasonable - of course you need to know what nursery she's in.

I agree with a pp, write to him asking for the info, and if he refuses, go to a solicitor, and be ready to go to court - you may need to force him, but it also gets it on the court record that he is unreasonable and not willing to co- operate for your child's wellbeing, which may be useful further down the line, so that he can't claim to the court that you weren't interested in her education.

He doesn't get to pretend that you don't exist when she's with you.

DO NOT SOW AN AIRTAG

It will alert a nearby iPhone that they are being tracked. It's a deliberate safety measure to stop it being used to track people, so if it's following an iPhones movement but not linked, it will alert. Even if he doesn't have an iPhone, If its in a coat it may alert a family member on a trip out with them for example

The tags are designed to be discovered

This could really fuck things up and escalate the situation

And I don't think you should feel the need to contribute at all - his choice to send her.

If it was a woman writing to say that she didn't want to let her ex know where their child was going to nursery, I would also think that was wrong, unless it was due to abuse. The problem is that it shows that the wellbeing of the child is not at the centre of the co-parenting relationship, but point scoring and control is more important.

Presumably he is only intending to send her on the days that he has her?

It does sound worrying though.

I suppose in theory if it's on "his time" then you don't need to know & he & his parents would be the contacts.

In practise though it seems ridiculous.

Obviously more controlling going on even though you are no longer together.

https://www.slashgear.com/smartthings-find-will-warn-you-if-a-galaxy-smarttag-is-following-you-20669535

The same is true of Samsung tags. I left my smart tag on my purse in a friend's car and it alerted them.

They are designed to not track unknowing people and if he discovers it then I would assume it could massively escalate things

Bit surprised that the nursery hasn't required the name and contact details of both parents with parental responsibility and ensured that there's consent on both sides as this lays them open to difficulties. He may have pulled a bit of a fast one on them.

It's not your job to chase and stalk, you both have parental responsibility. I'd take this to court and get it clearly written down that he cannot withhold information from you about where your child goes/is educated. It should be a short and simple thing, and unless he can come up with reasons why he needs to with hold this information from you, a judge is going to end up putting on paper, more or less, that he is being a controlling arse for the hell of it. Which will support your case if you then need to take him back in the future for more controlling arsery. Which seems quite likely.

I agree with others about not using AirTags to find out this information. When he inevitably finds out what you’ve done, it’s going to increase any animosity and you’ve played right into his hands.

Anyway, you have a right to know this stuff (unless a court has told you otherwise) so do things properly. It’s also better for everyone especially the child, to sort this out asap before school applications start.

I would also question why the nursery has not asked for the names of both of the parents. It will be interesting to see what your Ex has said to the nursery. If he claims that “the mother is not around” then you must take action.

You have a right to know under the guise of 'parental responsibility' and technically you should agree together on the right nursery for your child. Please be careful what you do next. You need legal advice. Don't pay and don't ignore this.

For those saying air tags will notify they absolutely will. A gps dog collar won't. They do live tracking and tell absolutely no one.

Nurseries and private schools don’t need both parents’ details. I registered my son myself - they didn’t ask for the dad’s details at all. I had to ask for him to be added

Do you have it in writing that he won’t tell you where she is going? Personally I’d be taking legal advice on this. If you have no history of abusing him or your child I cannot see why you cannot know. They may raise medical or other concerns about your child’s well being. Can you imagine the fall out if he is abusing her, the police become involved and you said ‘oh I didn’t know she was going there and I did nothing about it’. It may be unlikely to happen but it’s not unheard of.

He is obviously very abusive And you may have been conditioned to keep the peace or see your self as unreasonable. You need counselling too to help you see the wood from the trees with this arse hole.

GpS key or cat trackers are small and don’t make a noise. I’m not sure if you can remove from the casing - the only danger is then you are looking like the crazy one.

send a text or email stating ‘it’s very exciting for x that she will be starting nursery. In order to make sure she is prepared I would like to visit the nursery and discuss with staff the day to day routine and meet her caregivers. Please send me the details today so I can book the appointment’.

Mumsnetters are likely to be able to word this better than me.
If he doesn’t send it I would call a solicitor and then call every nursery in the area and ask to speak to the manager and explain the situation.

You need to frame EVERYTHING from the child’s best interests.

I

That’s awful. My nursery required signatures from both parents with PR to enrol my children. What about emergency contacts too - I’d expect to be listed second to Dad even during his time. There’s something not right about the whole thing.

Get legal advice. Seriously OP. It's worth the money. The points PP make about him cementing a network and establishing your DD in institutions of his choosing is a real risk.

There are lots of threads in which I think that is the case, but apart from the air tags I’m not sure on this one. I’m pretty sure people would say the OP can’t withhold that info.

This needs to go to court really so they can force the info out of him. And depending on age, I’d get a prohibited steps order preventing him from applying to primary schools when the time comes without your input.

I'm not saying I would be happy not knowing - imagine the confusion when she gets put in nursery by OP and has to get used to 2...

Maybe she could put it that way? as a need for the information

I wouldn't rise to it. He'll get bored of keeping it secret soon enough.

He'll feel he has to gloat about how great it is (since he's found it) and how much DD is enjoying it. I'd give him a couple of days before he cracks and shares the information.

Why she doesn't use the nursery in her week lo only goes dad's week?