ExDH refusing to tell me name of Nursery

[onwardsandupwards23]

Hello,

I'll try to keep this brief - really need some perspective.

I separated from exDH a year ago. He was emotionally and financially abusive. I'm from another country and have no family in the UK. My mum moved here following the separation and cares for my daughter half the week, former PIL care for her the other half of the week.

ExDH has just told me DD is starting nursery next week. He refused to tell me the name of the nursery. He said he, his parents and DD have all visited many times and this must have been planned for months. He made no mention of it to me until now and refuses to tell me the name of the nursery unless I financially contribute to the cost.

For context - his parents are wealthy and are likely paying for it. However , whilst I was the higher earner in the relationship - ex pushed aggressively for a very high financial settlement so that I can buy him out of the house and enable my mother to remain here to support me. His family's wealth wasn't considered, nor was my lack of family in the Uk (aside from my mother who stays with me). He has refused permission for me to return to my home country.

Whilst I would like to contribute to the cost of nursery 2 days per week, my finances are stretched to breaking point at the moment. Is it reasonable for him to refuse give me the name of the nursery? It makes me deeply uneasy not to know where she is two days a week.

Yes I would do this.

This is good. Then call/email the nursery to give them your details.

Explain that your ex is abusive.

No, this is not the way to approach the problem.

She needs to go to court and assert her right to consultation on the matter of education. This needs to be explicitly ordered by the court.

Then any failure by her ex to comply with the court order can be answered by a motion against him for contempt of court, brought by the OP.

She needs to gird her loins for a long, long struggle against the bulldozing of her rights that her ex is trying to do here.

Do not do this.

I guarantee that the ex has already warned the nursery that the OP is abusive/ mentally unstable/ a junkie/ a stalker etc.

Also, he will be well aware of air tags and will search the child's bags and toys and outerwear for them. He will use the air tag as proof that the OP is a crazy stalker.

The OP should meanwhile search her child's stuff for air tags the ex may have planted in them.

Thanks for all the responses!

As tempting as it may be , I won't be planing an air tag on my daughter.

I'm trying my best to take a "when he goes low, joy you go high approach" but sometimes I just feel like a doormat.

There is a court process just underway regarding child arrangements. I'd like to take my daughter home in time for school.

His emotionally abusive behaviour has increased a lot since this process got underway.

It is very sad. This conflict is not good for DD. She's too young to be impacted by it now but it will cause her harm if it continues. That was the whole reason for making an application to return home..

I will need legal advice but he's aware my funds are so limited right now. I have to pay him £60k within 60 days which he stretched my entire families resources!

The OP needs to engage with the nursery. She should tell them about the ex. The nursery will have to deal with both parents. That’s Parental Rights @mathanxiety - it doesn’t matter what the ex tells them. He’d need a court order keep information about a child from the parent.

The AirTag is just faster than ringing around. (Although what nursery doesn’t request information on the mother?)

Firstly - I dont need to do anything you tell me.

Secondly - I dont care what you think I should do, and wont be engaging any further with you.

That explains a lot

He’ll be planning to use the fact she’s in nursery and settled in his case.

Be prepared for him to counter that she lives with him full time…

You do realise it’s quite unlikely the court will allow you to take her abroad? She has regular contact with her father and his family so the status quo is most likely to be awarded.

I would assume he’s either told tbt nursery you are a flight risk or that you’re not around at all

I would ask for the information in writing via text or email. I would keep his response and use it as evidence in your court case. Have you been ordered to pay him 60k? I think you need to beg/ borrow to get the best legal team possible.

OP has already been ordered to not remove her child from the country, and is currently trying to have that decision changed.
If I was the other partner I probably wouldn’t be sharing information either! OP clearly thinks she’s the only parent.

You have shared custody, it’s unlikely a court is going to force the decision and allow you to remove your daughter from the country. You go on about him not doing the best thing for her but you’re doing the same!

Also the AirTag comments are utter batshit. People seem to get a kick out of posting the most ludicrous comments sometimes, I don’t think they care that someone may take it as advice.

I'd like to take my daughter home in time for school.

So that she lives permanently in a different country to her father?

Why would you think that that would even be a possibility?

@Hufflepods Im not ‘batshit’ but there is absolutely no way I would accept not knowing where my own preschool child was- particularly if there is a likelihood the child’s attendance at nursery is setting the scene for the other parent to assert x, y or z. Who really thinks its ok for a Mother not to know where her small child is being cared for ?? I would find this out urgently, be it air tag private investigator or court process- which is clearly ideal but lengthy and costly!!

@Hufflepods also i once advised my dear friend to send their child to vontact with a nanny cam- thank fuck as the footage proved what she already knew- thatcher child was being abused (emotionally physically and via neglect) by her ‘Father’. Is that also ‘batshit’

Her father assured me throughout my pregnancy that this would always be a possibility.

We live in Greater London , where with the cost of living increases, life is extortionate. Her father lives 90 minutes away - the opposite side of Greater London. Once DD reaches school age , 50:50 will no longer be a possibility or fair to her.

In my home country , I would have my first choice of school , affordable housing , abundant family support and DD's quality of life would be much nicer day to day. She only sees her Dad and grandparents- the rest of exDH's family also reside in my home country.

Once she commences school, he would likely only see her at weekends. I would happily fly her over once a month. I suggested relocating to a town 15 mins from an international airport ... If he flew over once a month he would see her for two weekends a month and the majority of the school holidays (which are much longer where I come from).

I have genuinely tried to put my daughter first and behave with integrity.

Sadly , exDH cannot do the same and seems a primarily intent on punishing me for ending the marriage.

Imo he is planning on telling court he is your dd's main carer. Also I bet he has attempted or currently awaiting benefit claims decisions for dd. To strengthen his claim.. You were very very naive if you thought you could leave the country with his agreement..

I tend to see the best in people - to my detriment!

Time to get tough op. Before you lose your dd. To date you need to record all appointments you have taken dd to. All classes /clubs you have taken her to /paid for. . Bank statement /receipts for all expenses relating to dd. Up to date utility bills to prove you can provide for dd. Offer up personal statements from any reputable friends you have. Is your health visitor approachable? Confide in her ASAP. Remember him and his family have been plotting for months at his admission..

Her father assured me throughout my pregnancy that this would always be a possibility

But at the time he surely meant with him as well?

I'd follow his narcissistic arse! All the way to the nursery!

God men like that make me sick. My exH was similar. It's having control, they just need it. Pathetic

He didn't adjust to fatherhood well.

When we began to have difficulties he continually told me "Take DD to home country", clearly meaning without him.,

The issue is MIL. She wants DD nearby and he'll dance to his wealthy parents tune.

Once she commences school, he would likely only see her at weekends.

@onwardsandupwards23

Do not count on this.

If there is a chance for him to continue to make your life miserable by keeping 50-50, he will do it.

If there is a chance for him to profit financially by keeping 50-50 or by petitioning the court for you to get EOW with your child and him to be the primary residential parent, he will do it. The bonus for him is that he would hurt you here by separating you from your child, trap you in the UK so you could properly parent your child, not miss school events, etc, and you would pay maintenance.

You need an excellent solicitor, one who has experience dealing with vindictive narcissists.

I may have missed it in the thread, but how did you two come to the arrangement you currently have? Is it court ordered?

I agree with this. He’s clearly setting it up to make her life centred where he lives

Took me 4 years in court to get decent access to my dc when exh tried to remove me from their lives. Because I dared to leave HIM.. You need to fight hard op. Seriously..

Why? She’s liable for any childcare costs when she has her DC. The ex is liable or it when he had DC.