I messed up at the weekend. Mental health is in tatters

[enchiladas8]

I’ve been struggling with a few things over the last few weeks and am under a lot of stress. I’ve been snappy and felt really up and down, been crying a lot. I’m under nhs therapy and I am on Sertraline but unsure if it’s even working.

On Saturday me and my boyfriend went for drinks with a big group of friends. We both had a fair amount to drink. I accidentally knocked over a glass in one of the bars, he judgily said “oh [my name]” so, a few cocktails down, I got upset as I thought he’d just laugh like everyone else. He apologised but I couldn’t let it go. He tried to nip it in the bud throughout the night but drunk me wanted to avoid any confrontation.

Before I know it were shouting and screaming at each other outside, where his friends have heard us, and I’m banging my head onto the wall (no one else saw), saying I’m not worth anything, and having a panic attack. I have bashed my head on the wall in the past and it is a problem for me.

My poor boyfriend carried me home and admitted that he thought of ending things with me at that moment, but decided he wanted to help me through it.

We’ve had a long chat and he said, as far as he’s concerned, it’s all over and forgiven and it doesn’t change anything.

Now I’m just completely lost and stuck. I can’t stop thinking about it, I’m so embarrassed. My first step is of course to stop drinking alcohol. I just can’t stop thinking about how he wanted to end things with me, I can’t stop thinking about how awfully I acted, and how bad I got. I just don’t know how to get past it and now I’m paranoid that he’ll realise how awful I am even though he’s saying I’m not.

Where do I go next ☹️ I’m on a therapy waiting list, I can’t afford private and I’m already on meds

Good grief

how long have you been with your boyfriend?

You sound like someone who can't cope with criticism. Is that true of you?

Over a year. It’s unlike me and god knows why it happened, I’m really scared for my mental health and wonder if it’s to do with my medication (been on it for 6 weeks now)

I am definitely an overthinker and take things personally but never ever ever this extreme

You drank too much, you had a row. It happens. It’s not great, it’s not the end of the world either.

Give yourself a break, things happen and go a bit easier on the cocktails next time you’re out.

It's an extreme reaction to a small slight. I'm not even talking about the big row that it became...I'm talking about the fact that you would not let it drop. You were angry that he thought you were clumsy. Very angry. You were clumsy...it happens to the best of us. He even apologised and made it clear he didn't want to argue. Where's your humility?

Right! One thing at a time!

You can't fix all of this at once.

First thing: stop drinking. Go teetotal.

This will leave a hole in your life so you need to find things to fill it- exercise, embroidery, reading, whatever.

Get that sorted over a few weeks, then tackle other stuff.

As well as stopping drinking, keep a diary. Sometimes this sort of problem is much worse at particular times of the month (that is, roughly the same number of days before or after your period)(and this can be true even if something like Mirena has stopped the regular bleeding).

Also, watch out for the ramping-up signs and work out strategies to divert or stop. Code word with your bf where you go somewhere quiet and he sits you down and feeds you a snack with carbs and protein.

And yeah, stuck to the alcohol free drinks because booze ain't helping at the moment.

Please stop drinking from now .There are some great books to help.Try The Unexpected Joy of being sober 1st.Easy read and it may resonate with you

Drink and sertraline don't go well together, especially in the early days. Definitely knock it on the head for a while.

It’s unlike me and god knows why it happened, I’m really scared for my mental health

Look you say it was unlike you, your boyfriend obviously knows that so please don’t be hard in yourself. It does say on most SRIs to avoid too much alcohol so I would think that’s what’s caused this meltdown. Don’t drink at all for now and make sure you’ve apologised to your boyfriend and tell him you won’t be drinking again.

As far as getting counselling quicker, I’m so sorry I have no suggestions for that, I wonder if there are any online resources? You could try posting this thread on the Mental Health topic.

It’s so strange, I’ve never had a problem with alcohol. Plus I very rarely drink, maybe a few times a month if that, so I definitely won’t struggle to give it up, just strange that it messed with me so much!!

I have bashed my head on the wall in the past and it is a problem for me.

Sober or only when drunk?

I don’t think AIBU is the best place to post a thread about your mental health.

You stop drinking.

@enchiladas8 It’s not strange about the alcohol affecting you like this, It’s advised with all SRIs that you don’t drink alcohol, especially at the start of taking them.

Have you ever done any online tests for asd or adhd

Your self harming under stress screams this to me.

As others have said drink and ssris can be a bad combo. So cut out drink for Awhile. See if that helps.

I think you should also acknowledge your boyfriend's feelings as well OP.. he's well within his rights to have felt for a split second he wanted to end things.. you need to acknowledge that with him.

I think you've recognised you've got a problem, that's always the first steps.

If i were you, I would put a pause on any social occasions at the moment, even if you give up drinking, you'll still be surrounded by people who are drinking.

Could you perhaps ask for a change in your medication also?

Please please stop bashing your head against the wall also...

Agreed, you might get more help on the mental health board, perhaps ask MNHQ to move it.

Came to say this.

My partner was never a problem drinker or anything, but even a few drinks when on sertraline made him unbearable to be around. He stopped drinking (and eventually changed antidepressant too) and things got a lot better.

If you don't
Mind asking wha rate the stresses that are causing you to be on sertraline? Is the relationship with yr bf a good one.

Sometimes a relationship is toxic and causes the mh issues in the first place.

If it's not related to yr
Bf then def stop drinking.

I take SSRIs so I do have some sympathy. However, this was not a flash in the pan loss of temper. This was a protracted shit stir from which you would not be deterred. I think that's worse behaviour than the showdown it eventually became. I think that's what you need to think about, not your meds.

Another to say alcohol and sertraline don't go well! It's medically not advised to drink while on it - I have 2 friends and a family member that are tee-total because of it.

It's also not good to drink when your mental health is struggling either. Alcohol is a depressant, and removed inhibitory barriers so while sober you can self regulate your mental health induced over-reactions drunk you can't.

Ironic since alcohol is wear people often turn to but honestly worst thing for you.

Unless there's something you're not telling us of course...like your boyfriend is critical and demeaning to you often. It doesn't sound like that but if you're with someone who makes you feel small a lot, that can build up.

I mean, does he regularly make you feel like you're not worth anything?