I messed up at the weekend. Mental health is in tatters

[enchiladas8]

I’ve been struggling with a few things over the last few weeks and am under a lot of stress. I’ve been snappy and felt really up and down, been crying a lot. I’m under nhs therapy and I am on Sertraline but unsure if it’s even working.

On Saturday me and my boyfriend went for drinks with a big group of friends. We both had a fair amount to drink. I accidentally knocked over a glass in one of the bars, he judgily said “oh [my name]” so, a few cocktails down, I got upset as I thought he’d just laugh like everyone else. He apologised but I couldn’t let it go. He tried to nip it in the bud throughout the night but drunk me wanted to avoid any confrontation.

Before I know it were shouting and screaming at each other outside, where his friends have heard us, and I’m banging my head onto the wall (no one else saw), saying I’m not worth anything, and having a panic attack. I have bashed my head on the wall in the past and it is a problem for me.

My poor boyfriend carried me home and admitted that he thought of ending things with me at that moment, but decided he wanted to help me through it.

We’ve had a long chat and he said, as far as he’s concerned, it’s all over and forgiven and it doesn’t change anything.

Now I’m just completely lost and stuck. I can’t stop thinking about it, I’m so embarrassed. My first step is of course to stop drinking alcohol. I just can’t stop thinking about how he wanted to end things with me, I can’t stop thinking about how awfully I acted, and how bad I got. I just don’t know how to get past it and now I’m paranoid that he’ll realise how awful I am even though he’s saying I’m not.

Where do I go next ☹️ I’m on a therapy waiting list, I can’t afford private and I’m already on meds

I'd see your GP and discuss this emotional dysregulation OP.
I'd agree it sounds like the booze brought out this particular episode of self harming but it's certainly not normal behaviour even after too much drink

Cutting out the alcohol is the right decision. If you like beer there are some good non-alcoholic or very low (0,5%) alcohol beers around now. Or tonic without the gin etc.
If things are generally good with your bf then him seeing you’re taking it seriously by cutting out the alcohol will help him feel more confident in your future together. Tell him you think it was the Setraline and alcohol combo together and you felt out of control and weird.
Tell acquaintances and friends you wouldn’t talk about your MH with that alcohol just doesn’t agree with you anymore and you’re finding the hangover isn’t worth it even after two drinks so it’s easier not to have any.
You’re not the only one OP. I do sometimes have a drink but never let myself past the slightly lightheaded 1 or max 2 drinks stage. There’s a reason for that. I did over-indulge once as a student and my friends basically told me I was never to do that again because I was not fun to look after. Some of us just shouldn’t drink.

I was going to say exactly this. I’m autistic, and used to bang my head against the wall during times of extreme emotional stress. What you described could be a drunken tantrum, but it could also sound like a meltdown.

This, 100%.
Cut out the alcohol totally.
Let your meds do their job. See your GP if you don’t think you’re benefitting.
Look at some relaxation techniques , YouTube is good.

Whilst you’re waiting for counselling ask your GP about the SilverCloud program. It’s basically online counselling where you work through a series of steps and are given exercises to help you. Personally I don’t think it’s as good as face to face counselling but you might find it helpful while you’re on a waiting list.

Wow, how much had you actually drunk? Was this tipsy or plastered? Sertraline and booze don't generally mix well as pps have said. The banging your head on walls is that something you do sober as well as drunk? I can understand your BFs feelings of considering walking away, awful for you but also very stressful and upsetting for him. Hope you get counselling soon. And no more booze for you.

You know that sertraline doubles the effect of alcohol right?

It’s common to overreact to small things when suffering from depression. The alcohol made your reaction worse. I experienced the same once at a party when my adorable brother snapped at me about something. I had to leave.

I would be returning to your doctor to explain how you’re feeling and that the medication doesn’t seem to be working.

Also your partner’s reaction is normal. It probably frightened him to see you like that but he obviously cares about you and wants to help you. Keep an open dialogue with him about how you are doing and what you are doing to make things better. There is lots of support out there but you have to seek it out.

Good luck and be kind to yourself.

I haven't read everyone's comments, but I have read yours. Antidepressants and alcohol can have a different affect on you. Alcohol alone can exacerbate mental health problems . Talking from experience. Adding in Antidepressants too can be a bit disastrous. Try and draw a line under it all and allow your biddy to adjust to the mess you are taking.

I was also going to mention ASD/ADHD, I have a diagnosis of ADHD (and also wonder about ASD) and have bashed my head against the wall in times of stress/self loathing since I was a child. The sensitivity to criticism could also be rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is common in ADHD, and is often a trigger for my self harm. Definitely worth a look into, I've been on antidepressants for almost 20 years but was diagnosed with ADHD 3 years ago and understand myself a lot better since, makes sense of a lot of things.

That’s really interesting actually because I’m currently on an ADHD assessment waiting list - I was worried because of my inability to relax/focus!!

Maybe the combination of anti-depressant (Sertraline) and excess alcohol is not a good idea. Just a thought....

If he says all is forgiven then believe him. I expect it may be tempting to push for further reassurance since you're still feeling so bad but dwelling on it is the worst thing you could do right now.

Remember that alcohol is a depressant and it's making everything seem even worse today. Some people refer to it as hangxiety (hangover anxiety, if it wasn't clear). Try to look forward and keep reminding yourself that how you feel right now is temporary.

To dismiss self-harm as "doing something silly" is incredibly unhelpful and completely misunderstands the causes (and how to tackle) this behaviour.

most People have got wasted then got over emotional, had arguments and made a tit of themselves. It’s even more likely if you’ve got MH problems. As others have said stop drinking, alcohol is very detrimental to emotional dysregulation. And stop beating yourself up about it

Emotional dysregulation is a huge part of ADHD, but not talked about as often/as part of the diagnostic criteria. ADDitude magazine (online) is a great place to start reading a bit about it, they have lots of great articles. Be compassionate towards yourself, I've been where you are and it's horrible. A meltdown isn't about drama, or a choice, it's a total uncontrollable overwhelm that is really hard to deal with and deserves understanding and compassion.

Gosh, I think she's admitted it's wrong, what is she even supposed to say to this when she's on here asking for advice.

Yea you don't mix antidepressants and alcohol

Don't torture yourself op, yes it's not great but leave the alcohol alone for a while until you've sought some counselling. You sound very stressed. Hope things get better soon.

Surely if you're on meds you shouldn't have been drinking, you must have known that. It's up to you to take control of the situation starting with no more drinking. Try and put the weekend behind you and concentrate on moving into a more positive place.

OP, I think you need to do the adult thing and let him go
You are not in the right place for a relationship and it's not fair.
Go back to the GP, organise therapy, and see where you're at in a few months' time.
Good luck.

Please read the leaflet that comes with Sertraline - you should not be drinking.

I would be inclined to say you may have a non psychotic personality disorder. This includes that your unable to regulate your emotions. Self harm - headbanging. Your more prone to feeling abandoned. Therapy is the treatment pathway. Medications rarely help. X

There are loads of low cost options for counselling / therapy. Explore your local charities. Even in private practice it can be as little at £35/hr, you could book 1 session a fortnight if that's too much per week.