I messed up at the weekend. Mental health is in tatters

[enchiladas8]

I’ve been struggling with a few things over the last few weeks and am under a lot of stress. I’ve been snappy and felt really up and down, been crying a lot. I’m under nhs therapy and I am on Sertraline but unsure if it’s even working.

On Saturday me and my boyfriend went for drinks with a big group of friends. We both had a fair amount to drink. I accidentally knocked over a glass in one of the bars, he judgily said “oh [my name]” so, a few cocktails down, I got upset as I thought he’d just laugh like everyone else. He apologised but I couldn’t let it go. He tried to nip it in the bud throughout the night but drunk me wanted to avoid any confrontation.

Before I know it were shouting and screaming at each other outside, where his friends have heard us, and I’m banging my head onto the wall (no one else saw), saying I’m not worth anything, and having a panic attack. I have bashed my head on the wall in the past and it is a problem for me.

My poor boyfriend carried me home and admitted that he thought of ending things with me at that moment, but decided he wanted to help me through it.

We’ve had a long chat and he said, as far as he’s concerned, it’s all over and forgiven and it doesn’t change anything.

Now I’m just completely lost and stuck. I can’t stop thinking about it, I’m so embarrassed. My first step is of course to stop drinking alcohol. I just can’t stop thinking about how he wanted to end things with me, I can’t stop thinking about how awfully I acted, and how bad I got. I just don’t know how to get past it and now I’m paranoid that he’ll realise how awful I am even though he’s saying I’m not.

Where do I go next ☹️ I’m on a therapy waiting list, I can’t afford private and I’m already on meds

I’m sorry to not be very supportive but I read the head banging as quite a manipulative thing when you know you’ve fucked up and things aren’t going your way or the threat of him leaving you do that and he relents and says he’s not leaving ? That’s not ok maybe I’m wrong but that’s how that’s come across

Oh dear, another lovey who knows nothing about others!

I think you need to focus on YOU.
Dont worry about the boyfriend - he’ll either stay with you, or leave at some point - either way, it sounds like a relationship should be put on the back burner until you sort yourself out properly. This will be easier to do without a boyfriend to worry about.
Exercise, eat healthily, be productive at work, get enough sleep and read, watch tv, see friends for coffee.. keep your mind busy but rested. Stay on the medication. Perhaps this is rock bottom, and the only way now is up 👍

Alcohol really messed me up when I was on anxiety meds. I am now teetotal as it was more important to take the meds than a few glasses of wine.

Don't be so hard on yourself, give the alcohol a miss while you work on feeling better in yourself 😘

I gave my boyfriend a huge apology, he said he considered it (and I even said it’s okay for him to leave and look after himself) and he said he didn’t want to, it’s his decision and he wants to help me through it. He said he saw how remorseful I was and that doesn’t make me a monster.

You need to be honest here and tell him that he can't help you, trying to be your saviour is a road to nowhere. Nobody can 'help' someone who is volatile and smashing their head against a wall, nor should they be led to believe that they can. He isn't responsible for you, only you are, don't let him think that he can help. You should be really clear and set boundaries, you are not the little woman that needs saving and he is not the big man that can help you.

@FuppingEll of course a partner can “help” someone through a difficult time, that’s exactly what a loving partner should be doing!

You need to move on from this. Dwelling isn't helpful.

But you need to learn the lessons. Not just alcohol but late nights, big groups, noisy environments...

If your brain is functioning so poorly right now that you need meds then you need to adjust your lifestyle to help it.

Gaba, serotonin and dopamine are all fucked by alcohol and all need exercise, nature, activities like yoga, meditation and reading.

The meds will get you less than half way there. You need to take care of yourself for yourself and others.

Do you or he have any children op?

I’d have to really be sure I wanted to be with this person for the long haul if after a year of dating - I witnessed this kind of behaviour and mental health crisis

I dont know why my last post got deleted so I will rephrase it. This isn't a loving relationship and this isnt 'a difficult time'. This is a violent, volatile relationship. The OP has a self admitted history of violence, this wasn't a one off this is who she is. There is no 'should' when it comes to supporting that.

Another antidepressant taking teetotaller here. Mixing the two just does not work for me. I get lairy and confrontational or emotional.

Hope you feel better soon. We used to have a friend on the same meds and she really couldn't drink without being really angry and aggressive, and then in turn really depressed and remorseful for weeks after. I would really think about the mix.

Forgive yourself. We're all human and act like twats sometimes when alcohol is involved. It literally takes away your logical thinking and inhibitions.

Just make sure you don't drink like that again and let it go. Don't let it do even more harm now it's over.

You really don't sound well enough to hold down a relationship - it must have been terrifying for your boyfriend to have you screaming and smashing your head into the wall. Maybe set him free until you can access therapy and get on a more even keel.

Alcohol is the issue here. I use to be like this which is why I only have two drinks now and rarely drink.
Mix your drinks heavily with soda or just drink beer.
He will forget it but don't do it again

Only with PDs like BPD usually though, which the OP doesn't have. She is being investigated for ADHD though.

But the violence is against herself not her partner. She doesn't sound like an abuser. She already feels upset, she doesn't need to be made to feel worse!