I messed up at the weekend. Mental health is in tatters

[enchiladas8]

I’ve been struggling with a few things over the last few weeks and am under a lot of stress. I’ve been snappy and felt really up and down, been crying a lot. I’m under nhs therapy and I am on Sertraline but unsure if it’s even working.

On Saturday me and my boyfriend went for drinks with a big group of friends. We both had a fair amount to drink. I accidentally knocked over a glass in one of the bars, he judgily said “oh [my name]” so, a few cocktails down, I got upset as I thought he’d just laugh like everyone else. He apologised but I couldn’t let it go. He tried to nip it in the bud throughout the night but drunk me wanted to avoid any confrontation.

Before I know it were shouting and screaming at each other outside, where his friends have heard us, and I’m banging my head onto the wall (no one else saw), saying I’m not worth anything, and having a panic attack. I have bashed my head on the wall in the past and it is a problem for me.

My poor boyfriend carried me home and admitted that he thought of ending things with me at that moment, but decided he wanted to help me through it.

We’ve had a long chat and he said, as far as he’s concerned, it’s all over and forgiven and it doesn’t change anything.

Now I’m just completely lost and stuck. I can’t stop thinking about it, I’m so embarrassed. My first step is of course to stop drinking alcohol. I just can’t stop thinking about how he wanted to end things with me, I can’t stop thinking about how awfully I acted, and how bad I got. I just don’t know how to get past it and now I’m paranoid that he’ll realise how awful I am even though he’s saying I’m not.

Where do I go next ☹️ I’m on a therapy waiting list, I can’t afford private and I’m already on meds

I'd like to offer a perspective having both been in your boyfriend's position (two relationships, including my current partner, who've both struggled with depression and criticism particularly when drinking) and having struggled with depression and anxiety myself for many years.

First, your boyfriend is not at fault here. Can I wager a guess that you are generally sensitive to feeling criticised and/or feelings of worthlessness? I ask only because both my former and current partners have told me this about themselves during very similar situations that you've described. I also really bristle at any form of criticism, and will feel worthless or burdensome which triggers feelings of depression. While your boyfriend can probably be more mindful of what he says, it's up to you to identify and understand where your reaction to his comment came from.

Second, I've found that depression is usually formed by feelings of anger and disappointment that are internalised and haven't had a constructive outlet. From speaking to multiple therapists over the years about my mental health, I understand that it can be both learned behaviour and an inherited trait, so anyone with a relative who has a depressive condition may themselves be more prone to depressive thoughts and feelings. My former partner would have episodes where she'd wake up in the middle of the night and write me letters telling me how she wanted to end things, which would really baffle me (because I thought everything was alright in our relationship), only for her to become really upset and embarrassed and retract everything she'd written or said. My current partner would become very upset when she drank alcohol and we'd have terrible rows that didn't seem at all related to anything we'd been doing or talking about. Much later on, she told me that something very traumatic had happened to her while she was in her early 20s. She started seeing a therapist and has since been able to better understand the connection between the traumatic event and her mood swings and angry disposition when she drank. She hasn't had an episode like that in years now, and can drink socially without it turning into a row. Of course it could happen again, but we better understand where it comes from.

I'm saying this just to offer the perspective that you may not be aware of what is triggering these feelings for you. Alcohol makes us more susceptible to our own impulses, thoughts and feelings, and so a minor comment can trigger a wave of horrible memories or feelings without any realisation between the connection. I'd suggest you speak to a therapist (I know you said you can't afford one, but bear in mind that many will offer a discount or a sliding rate if you explain that your situation and that you're unable to afford their standard rate - there's nothing wrong or shameful about this as many therapists want to help you!) Otherwise, there are books, online resources and podcasts that discuss depression and anxiety. It's not ideal when you need help now, but when you have the headspace it's worth taking time to learn more about these conditions to better understand how they affect you. Lastly, as many others have already suggested, maybe cut back on the alcohol and avoid drinking until you feel you have a better handle on this.

I'm with the person that said you need to end this relationship and get yourself into a better place before even thinking about dating again. It isn't fair to fuck someone else up because you are fucked up. I'd imagine he will be walking on eggshells now trying not to anger or upset you lest you smash your head on a wall again. It isn't going to be a healthy dynamic, it can't be and will only end in disaster.

I have reacted badly to alcohol while on sertraline in the past, I gave up drinking because of it too. I’m the same on any antidepressant I try though so perhaps quitting the drink would be a good idea for you as well.

The shame will pass, it’s a good thing you’re seeking help. You will get past this and be ok. Take it as a lesson learned and move on from it

This has probably been said in the preceding 5 pages, but you're prob autistic.

He is entirely capable of ending the relationship himself. He considered it and decided against it.
You may feel he needs protecting from the situation, but he's a grown man who can decide for himself. It's the OP who is asking for help and I don't see why it's in her interests to end the relationship. Or his either given its clearly not what he wants at the time.
If there's a repeat I imagine he will change his mind.

my best friend displays this behaviour

Growing up as a teen she would self harm when frustrated, occasionally cutting which she feels out of but something that has stayed throughout her twenties and occasionally in her thirties is the banging her head, beating her legs, hitting herself in the face.

She is also on sertraline and seems to be doing well, explosive arguments with her partner seem to be decreasing. From what she has described there is a ‘bedding’ in period with sertraline where hormones are haywire. If you’re new to the medication it may have a negative effect on you when consuming alcohol in a way that wasn’t an issue before taking the drug. You’re also more susceptible to dehydration when on sertraline so important to keep in mind especially in the summer months. Dehydration will get you drunker quicker.

Working on herself with a therapist has helped. I understand therapy is expensive. Usually online therapists can be a little cheaper. She saw it as an investment, I think 6 x £50 sessions. Sometimes people are put off the cost of therapy because it feels open ended, but a good therapist will ask you about your goals and what you hope to achieve in so many sessions, so you could set the restrictions there.

It sounds like this gave you a fright, and you want to work on it, so be kind to yourself. It’s also a good thing your boyfriend looked after you but has been honest about what he won’t tolerate in a relationship, because it can be hard to break out of high drama relationships.

best of luck

So it might have been a reaction of the alcohol and sertraline, who knows, sounds plausible. But having posted on AIBU and mentioned you had a drink (even if you'd only had one) most people will only read that bit and even though you say you rarely drink, this becomes a thread about someone who has a drink problem. That's how AIBU generally goes.

Only you can know if you feel like this at other times or if this was likely to be an isolated incident. There are free online counselling resources, might be better to start with one of those if there's a long wait for support in your area but if you feel you might have ADHD then counselling won't help. When are you due to go back to GP?

(Good post from @sweetdreamstenasee BTW - having seen sibling go through this)

Mostly in relationships there is an element of caring for the other person, it isn't all about personal interests. If you care for someone you wouldn't want them to be put in a situation where they will be walking on eggshells around you, possibly too afraid to end the relationship because they don't know how you will react, will she start smashing herself off walls again? If she reacted this way over a small comment who knows how she will react to him ending it. I know i would be terrified to end a relationship when the person is so unstable, escpecially if you care about them, imagine if they really hurt themselves and the guilt you would feel. If you stay you have to second guess everything you say, will this innocuos comment set her off again? That's a lot to put on a person and like I said she has completely changed the dynamics of the relationship now. But yes sure, it may be in her best interests to keep him around.

Now that it’s more recognised that ADHD (and ASD) look very different in girls and women there also seems to be more attention being paid to other issues for people with ADHD such as rejection sensitive dysphoria. This is a really strong reaction and difficulty regulating the emotional response to rejection/criticism and can include self harm thoughts and behaviour as mentioned by @amusedbush (Who is right on the money generally). It’s not just feeling a bit annoyed at negative feedback. So when you are assessed for ADHD that element is likely to form part of the overall picture. RSD isn’t exclusively observed in ND and isn’t a diagnosis on its own, but it is definitely much observed in girls and women who are ND.

If you’re on a waiting list for NHS therapy you have probably had a telephone assessment to put you on a pathway so you probably know whether you’re waiting for counselling or a therapy such as CBT? They’ve probably discussed briefly what they may focus on? There may be some self help approaches you can use while you wait, depending on the problem. It’s a tricky one as most NHS therapists are not trained to work with ND (if that is relevant to you) and there are some key adaptions that need to be made, but the support can still be really helpful.

I agree with all the other PP, alcohol is not your friend and it really interferes with your medication (stops it working), it would also interfere with ADHD medication (if that’s a route you go in the future). So start with cutting out the alcohol and trying to look after yourself physically. I really hope you don’t have to wait too long for assessment or support. If you go the private route for therapy be careful to choose someone accredited by the right organisation who has specific training for working with ADHD. For CBT they need to be registered/accredited with the BABCP, counselling and psychotherapists with the BACP, clinical psychologists registered with the HCPC.

Please don't beat yourself up too much. There is no doubt that alcohol affects your mental health.
I recommend a day of eating nice food and to start reading The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober.

Not sure but I think alcohol is more 'efficient' when someone is on sertaline so that possibly goes sone way to explaining this out of character outburst.
Plus the stress you have been under plus you had correctly picked up on your partner's disdain and his rethinking your relationship.
Please don't give yourself a hard time, take him at his word in this moment, minimise alcohol whilst on meds, and if he turns out to be a dick, you'll be stronger and able to deal with it in time. All the best 🌸

Sorry OP, not Rtft. Sertraline is not for everyone, especially mixed with alcohol (no judgement btw) . My friend has a host of MH issues and drink sends her into someone we dont recognise- self harm etc. She has been diagnosed with personality disorder. Sounds like therapy could help you, sometimes you just need to find which one is best. Dont be too hard on yourself. One step at a time.

I don't disagree. But the OP is the one asking for help, not him. As I said, he's a grown man who went to the verge of ending it and changed his mind. There's no reason to suggest he is incapable of weighing up the situation and making a decision he felt right for him. No suggestion he is vulnerable, unwell, or otherwise in need of protecting from himself by the OP taking the decision out of his hands.

My poor boyfriend carried me home and admitted that he thought of ending things with me at that moment, but decided he wanted to help me through it.

Lucky that one of you can behave decently!

Why is it strange? Medication and alcohol don't go together. Did you read the leaflet?

Oh dear, someone has never experienced mental ill health. How privileged you are.

You say the head banging is an ongoing problem

screaming shouting being carried home

all in front his friends and only been together a year

tbh I would be chatting with my friend today re whether this relationship is in his interests going forward

Firstly don't be so hard on yourself, you didn't assault anyone or anything.

Secondly, you're still early onto sertraline which doesn't work well with alcohol, especially a lot of it. What dose are you taking? 50mg? If so, give it a couple more weeks then talk to the Dr about upping it to 100mg. 50mg is the starter dose & works for some but not everyone. But definitely do not drink on it, you need to give yourself the best chance.

Try not to focus on what your boyf said - he didn't leave you & has made a choice to stay & support you. Remind yourself of that when you start to spiral on it. We all think thinks during a high stress moment/argument that don't reflect how we will feel out of it.

Have you said a genuine apology?
If you have then you need to forgive yourself ,properly,set your intention to do so and then move on.if you have thoroughly forgiven yourself and let go you will be able to move on.
Look to read books of living in the now ,it stops the over thinking.

You said that you have recently started a new medication. What medication?

It is quite likely that your reaction to alcohol and your new prescription are connected.

I’m sorry that you have had a bad time but pleased that you are dealing with it sensibly. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Sorry, I missed that it was sertraline.

I dated a man who got drunk and walked down the road head butting railings and walls and ended up in hospital.
I was 19 and terrified. The hospital called and said he hadn't been discharged as he needed someone to collect him and could I go. I refused. Got a call later to say he had walked out the hospital, he ended up walking 5 or so miles to his brother home.

I too have had manic incidents, self harmed when I've got angry of minor things - you reacting to spilt drink shows you need help.

I think you need to be sort yourself out, go back to the GP. It not normal to react how you did. Shouting etc is one thing but hitting your head is awful.

indont think it's fair on your bf, I still remember that night above and I'm now 50. Call your GP don't delay.

I called the doctors this morning and I remain on an 8 month waiting list for an ADHD assessment.
I gave my boyfriend a huge apology, he said he considered it (and I even said it’s okay for him to leave and look after himself) and he said he didn’t want to, it’s his decision and he wants to help me through it. He said he saw how remorseful I was and that doesn’t make me a monster.

I think I’m just struggling with a lot of guilt, not knowing if I’m on the right medication, what is even wrong with me in the first place - it’s all so much to take in and overwhelming!

thank you all for the kind words xxx

Have a quick Google of Sertraline and alcohol and you will see that it is really not recommended. If drinking hasn't been a problem for you before, the medication is probably what caused such extreme behaviour. It's a shame your doctor didn't stress that to you.
Cut yourself some slack, it was an awful experience, but in the end your boyfriend is willing to move on from it and so the worst case scenario in your head, of him leaving you over it, hasn't happened and if you allow it to consume you, you will probably create the worst case scenario!