I messed up at the weekend. Mental health is in tatters

[enchiladas8]

I’ve been struggling with a few things over the last few weeks and am under a lot of stress. I’ve been snappy and felt really up and down, been crying a lot. I’m under nhs therapy and I am on Sertraline but unsure if it’s even working.

On Saturday me and my boyfriend went for drinks with a big group of friends. We both had a fair amount to drink. I accidentally knocked over a glass in one of the bars, he judgily said “oh [my name]” so, a few cocktails down, I got upset as I thought he’d just laugh like everyone else. He apologised but I couldn’t let it go. He tried to nip it in the bud throughout the night but drunk me wanted to avoid any confrontation.

Before I know it were shouting and screaming at each other outside, where his friends have heard us, and I’m banging my head onto the wall (no one else saw), saying I’m not worth anything, and having a panic attack. I have bashed my head on the wall in the past and it is a problem for me.

My poor boyfriend carried me home and admitted that he thought of ending things with me at that moment, but decided he wanted to help me through it.

We’ve had a long chat and he said, as far as he’s concerned, it’s all over and forgiven and it doesn’t change anything.

Now I’m just completely lost and stuck. I can’t stop thinking about it, I’m so embarrassed. My first step is of course to stop drinking alcohol. I just can’t stop thinking about how he wanted to end things with me, I can’t stop thinking about how awfully I acted, and how bad I got. I just don’t know how to get past it and now I’m paranoid that he’ll realise how awful I am even though he’s saying I’m not.

Where do I go next ☹️ I’m on a therapy waiting list, I can’t afford private and I’m already on meds

@Cocopogo
Hitting your head against a wall isn’t normal no matter how drunk you are. It’s a choice you made in the drama of it all. It’s needs to stop. It’s the same loss of control as if you’d hit your bf so you need to address why you’d do something so silly.

It's not helpful to reply to someone who has issues with their mental health and tell them their actions aren't normal. She's ill - that's why she's medicated.

Also self-harm isn't a dramatic choice. You seem to have lost your kindness.

He hasn't ended it with you. He wants to support you. So clearly he loves you and feels there is plenty of value about you to want to continue with you. You are of worth and you are loved.
But.... Its sounds like you are absolutely in the last chance saloon here. You must not drink again and you should remember these feelings when tempted. Alcohol and depression plus meds is a hellish mix, for you and for those who love you.
You sound as though you have a lovely partner and everything ahead of you but you need to play your part here too. Look after yourself properly and don't let drinking sabotage your health, your relationship and make another person who loves you suffer.

Lots of great advice here and kindness OP
Just to compound the advice, stop drinking alcohol completely until your MH gets better.
Eat well, get exercise and be good to yourself.
Wishing you well for the future.

You've only been on Sertraline for six weeks? Then 'a few cocktails' in one go is not a good idea. It takes quite a while to adjust to that type of medication and a lot of people find that alcohol affects them a lot more while taking it. The advice is to avoid alcohol for the first few weeks and after that take it slow to see how it affects you.

In your case I would be inclined to stop drinking altogether.

Do not fucking people to stop taking their prescribed medication. You are beyond irresponsible.

Alcohol is a mood accelerant so if you're in a bad place it's not going to make things any better, put it that way. It doesn't matter if you've never had an issue before, at this point in time it's not helping you. You need to stop drinking for a while.

Mental health problems+alcohol+meds is a VERY very bad combination. I’m shocked you weren’t told this by your GP. You may get away with a shandy, but several cocktails?? You basically had a nervous breakdown caused by the combo that was triggered by boyfriend laughing at you. I believe they were innocent words sans malice and you were pretty drunk. If a man played out your behaviour at a pub I would dump him in Two seconds so consider yourself lucky that your BF is sticking in that mess. Next time you go to the pub stick to soda.

I’m glad you’ve stopped drinking alcohol as it’s the worst thing for any sort of MH.

Your behaviour was not good but the only thing you can do is apologise to your DP and friends and reduce the chance of it ever happening again (by not drinking alcohol).

I’d also encourage him to go out with his mates and you to go out with your mates.
Then he can drink and not have to worry about your behaviour and you can relax and not worry about how you’ll treat him.

If my DP did this I’m not sure I could forgive him but your DP has chosen to.

I would apologise and truly mean it and I would do something really nice for him like buy him and his mate concert tickets or cook him a nice meal and watch his favourite movie etc but then I’d drop it.

There’s nothing worse than someone acting like a dick and then wallowing in self pity.

self harm is not a dramatic choice

Self harm can absolutely be attention seeking, performative and/or manipulative. See also: suicide threats and "attempts".

Not suggesting that this is the case here or in many/most cases but its not unheard of either.

Drinking when in medication is t the best idea.

It reacts together and can cause all sorts of issues.

I've no advice only that I hope you get the help you need. Mental health issues can be so hard for people. Just try and keep in your head you're as good as anyone else in this world.x

Well your comment isn't what happened though.

She didn't go on a date with a new person. She didn't act aggressively and violently with no context or contrition.

She went out with her partner while on new medication, acted out of character and is now extremely ashamed and looking for insight/support while her partner wants to help her through it. The sneery/unempathetic comments aren't helpful or 'reasonable.'

I didn't think you were meant to drink on sertraline? Anyway, does this only happen when you drink or at other times?

I would gently suggest considering if you could be autistic, the MH difficulties, medication, head banging all make me wonder. I use to have mad moments and eventually realised I was autistic and having meltdowns.

NHS therapy is worth having, but you only get a few sessions.

Are you sure private therapy isn't an option? Many therapists do low-cost sessions. Or if at all possible, scrimp to afford it - you probably spent the cost of a therapy session on booze/taxis etc while you were out. Could you spend differently eg cut back on meat/booze/beauty treatments/driving etc to help?

How is this nonsense still mainstream

It can. But from what OP has described, the way she’s recounting the incident, her confusion and the way she’s taking responsibility. These don’t paint the picture of an attention seeking manipulative person.

She does however present as very fragile, confused and in need of support right now. I don’t think your comments are very helpful or necessary.

What are the causes of your stress and anxiety OP? Is there any particular thing or a number of things that are causing you to feel so low and giving you these feelings of worthlessness? The banging your head against the wall sounds to me like a self harm type response to being overwhelmed/self hatred - I say this because I have been through similar myself. I've had an overwhelming impulse to physically hurt myself in times of deep distress where I've felt my life is not in my control and I've experienced deep self loathing, so I recognise that impulse in what you've described, it's awful, and of course you wish afterwards that you hadn't done it, but in the moment it's like a pressure cooker inside your head and the pressure has nowhere else to go. I get it.

I think your upset about your boyfriend's comment isn't really about that at all, it hit a nerve because you already have such high anxiety, overthinking tendencies and feelings of low self worth - it sounds like any perceived criticism is enough to trigger what is already there inside your head. Its like it's reinforcing your existing feelings of low self worth, so you latch on to it, stew on it and it makes you feel defensive.

Other posters have already suggested the alcohol and meds are a bad mix, so that's good advice. I think in addition you really need to get to the bottom of WHY you feel so anxious and self loathing, figure out the root cause of those things and make a plan to tackle them.

Mixing antidepressants and alcohol is a recipe for disaster.

My god, stop drinking.

Maybe ask your boyfriend to stop too.

Alcohol plus mental health issues are a dreadful mix.

Alcohol plus arguments are destructive.

Alcohol plus medication could be dangerous.

And any medication can have strong physical and mood altering side effects.

Go back to your GP and tell them you want your medication reviewed and push for a specialist referral. There's a saying, the squeaky wheel gets the most oil - be the squeaky wheel; keep going back, making your message clear, keep pushing for expert help, keep in their minds.

It's good you've realised this was a ghastly combination and can't go on. Your poor bf, not surprised he thought of ending with you, it must have been frightening for him. But respect to him for looking after you and staying in there.

Keep up the sober, calm, honest conversations apologising, thanking him, asking him to help you beat this going forward. Look to the future rather than chewing over the past.

You know that doing that is classic ASD/ADHD meltdown behaviour, right?

A meltdown such as the OP describes is absolutely not a dramatic choice or attention seeking, performative or manipulative. Such a crock of ableist nonsense.

Who cares how people may have responded if the OP were a man?
This is a post from a woman who needs advice and support. If that is delivered with kindness, what's your objection?
Trying to hijack the thread of a woman in crisis to make some tired point about men being viewed differently is irrelevant and unhelpful.
The vast majority of replies have told the OP to stop drinking.

Have you suffered trauma? Either developmental or a series of smaller traumas in your life? Nervous system regulation is key to coping with perceived threats (all unconscious and not necessarily connected with real time events). May be worth looking up info on Polyvagel theory and nervous system regulation. I was often triggered by small inconsequential events in daily life and didn't know why until I started to understand the state of my nervous system and how it was stuck in responding in certain ways. Somatic experiencing with a therapist has helped relieve old stuck emotions and the reactions are becoming less severe. It may be worth a look. Good luck.

Stop drinking, for a start.

When I first read your post I thought rejection sensitivity dysphoria too. And like so many women... You're offered antidepressants rather than getting to the root of the problem first because women are always underdiagnosed with neuro conditions and instead written off as depression or anxiety (which is secondary to the neurodivergence). Your reaction to the perceived rejection is classic ADHD but the headbanging is more familiar with ASD. Either way: alcohol won't help.

I would see if there's anyway to can speed up an assessment and get yourself on the right treatment (if you so choose) and with the right supports.

I'd also consider untethering from the BF for a while, just to get yourself in a centred place. If it's RSD, you can't help reacting to his reactions and right now, that's not going to be helpful.

Probably the alcohol mixed with your medications. Be kind to yourself and take care of you. Hope you get the therapy you need.