To tell the parents of the badly behaved children?

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My 8yo dd had a birthday party at a trampoline park. It was open to the public as well as for specific party bookings. Ten children came, they were in high spirits and enjoying it - great.

I was supervising with dp and the staff. During trampolining three of the girls kept piling up on each other and generally pushing the boundaries, having to be asked to bounce nicely and follow the safety rules etc. Not terrible but maybe a sign of things to come...

After they had an hour of trampolining, we got to the party tea, it was in a separate room. At this stage, after sitting and eating their meal, the three started literally screaming, wrestling and one jumping on the table. The noise could be heard outside and the manager entered and asked that they behave and the screaming stop. My dd and the other girls were upset - they had all been eating their meals and were as fed up with this behaviour as the rest of us. Unfortunately none of the adults (including staff and manager) could convince these kids to stop the screaming and behaving badly.

Throughout the party, the three had also spent their time individually or joining other groups asking to be taken to the loo (separate area) saying they needed it but actually they were just messing around, didn't use the loo and whilst in there had to be told to stop banging on random people's cubicle doors, throwing wads od towels on the floor etc. One in particular also seemed intent on picking on one of the quieter girls (obviously I stopped this).

I know that 8 year olds can get excited, but to behave so badly that my dd didn't enjoy her party (and another child asked 'when will this ruckus end? I want to go home) and a manager had to intervene (his intervention no more effective than dp and I, these kids have zero respect for adults) is that not extreme? I work in a school and their behaviour wouldn't be tolerated at school.

Aibu to tell the parents? Or do I just keep quiet and never invite these kids again?

Did you mean to be so rude?

I think it would depend on the parents and whether they are open to constructive feedback.

I would want to know if my DC behaved like that, I would hope they wouldn't, but it might help them e.g. my little Poppy can turn into a total prat when she's around Jessie & Sophia. I need to keep a close watch on them.

If you had contact details for their parents then YWBU to not use them during the party tbh!

"Hey, calm down. I'll give you a minute but if you don't stop fighting/screaming/dicking about I'm calling your folks!". And then follow through.

I've done similar before. Never had them refuse. Hard luck if they or their parents don't like it. Parents would be called, for all the difference it would probably make.

It is unfair to let these idiots ruin it for all of the others.

I take it the three girls are friends rather than siblings and had different parents. Your DD might know if they behave like this at school. There's probably a ring-leader amongst them. In any case I wouldn't invite them again and I'd have a quiet word with any of your friends who might be going to hold a party, not to invite them.

I would have spoken to them.

As a parent i would have 1000000% wanted to know if my child was behaving badly so i could have dealt with it.

I'm sorry to have to say this but your children's poor behaviour really disrupted the party today and they didn't listen to my instructions. The other children were upset so I thought it best to say something in case it affects future invitations.

I would also want to say something to the parents of the ruckus child about their extensive vocabulary!

Tbh I'd be most worried about the impact that these little darlings are having on your daughter and her other friends and be focussing on this. The naughty kids are fundamentally the parent's problem now so let them know by all means then move on.

I think you need to take the time to talk through what's happened with your own dd and have an open and none-judgemental conversation about it. How does she feel? Why did she invite them in the first place? Do they behave like this at school? What good qualities do they have? Does this excuse the bad? Does she realise she can choose not to invite them and not to associate with them? How does she feel when they're picking on her friend? How does she think the friend feels? How could she support her friend to stick up for herself?

It's shitty that this spoiled your dd's party but she is entering an age where relationships will get more complicated and turbulent and it's really important to use this as an opportunity to guide her with this. Stuff the naughty girls and their parents. Tell them or don't tell them. They aren't your priority. Your dd is. X

I would also want to say something to the parents of the ruckus child about their extensive vocabulary!

Why? What's wrong with them saying ruckus? It isn't swearing and it describes the situation well.

I agree with a PP that you could message the parents involved and say you just wanted to let them know there had been some issues at the party and that the managers if the centre had to speak to the girl about her behaviour, and that you did too. You could say that you just wanted to let them know what had happened and if they’d anted to discuss it with you, to give you a ring.

Whether you’d excuse to contact them or not, depends partly on that old adage ‘do you want to be happy or to be right’. The reality is that telling the parents will probably result in some awkward conversations, possibly some resistance to the info or even aggressive responses. It is quite possible that these parents don’t impose boundaries and won’t respond positively to the info you want to share. It’s up to you to decide if you want to tell them and feel they need to know, regardless of the reaction you might get, or if you just want to move on.

I can see that telling that at pick-up or during a short party would have been difficult. The behaviour might have been shocking at the time, but in the last hour of a party, with others to continue supervising etc, ringing parents probably wasn’t top of the priority list. If you do decide to make contact, you really need to be doing it within 24 hours if the party. Otherwise it’s old news and is an odd communication.

Ive generally found that telling parents about children’s poor behaviour doesn’t go down well. I hunk I did it once after a party. I did it a couple of times as a volunteer youth club leader. In all cases, the parents did not thank me for sharing the info npbut were very defensive. Whether they then went away and read their kids the riot act, I don’t know. Relations thereafter were frosty to put it mildly. To be honest, it didn’t bother me, but it also made me decide not to tell parents about a couple of other poor behaviour incidents within my DCs friendship groups and through youth work.

It’s a shame when people feel they can’t say and when parents immediately leap to defend their kid….but this is the society we are in. I do t suppose behaviour will get better. You certainly won’t be inviting them again anyway!

How well do you know the children/parents? I’ve got a good idea about my daughter’s class, the children and their parents but it is a small one year entry school. Because I know them well, I know exactly who I would/wouldn’t invite to parties but also would feel comfortable telling off the children if I needed to or messaging to say there was an issue. I think that does make a difference to having an enjoyable party. It’s a shame your daughter was upset. You’ll know for next year.

Op may not know the parents though.
Decent parents may well appreciate a heads up.
Others minimise - oh they all get hyped up at these things. I think some parents are genuinely oblivious whereas in a group of 10 it is obvious how appalling their behaviour was.
I’m a volunteer leader in girlguiding and it’s conversation we leaders have sometimes -should we tell X’s mother.
It’s very tricky to do and lots of parents are very defensive. Quick to blame eg example of sitting girls outside away from party food - well of course she was like that she was denied food and drink or of course she was you’d stuffed her full with sugar.
In real life most people will do what Op did, get through it and not invite them again.

I think you’ve missed the boat, on collection I think I would have said to each of the three parents ‘God! Emily, Rosie and Mia are quite a threesome aren’t they? Hats off to you because at some points, I had no control over them, they didn’t listen to a thing me or my husband said’ and then I would just avoid them like the plague in future.

Oh and the PP comment about chatting with your own DC about how they felt about it and their relationship with these kids etc is the best option of all. Helping your DC think through what happened and relationships and how to negotiate this kind of thing (which does happen and will happen again) is really valuable. Doing this will be more valuable for your DC than you telling the other parents….although, do that too if you feel you need to.

Sadly, shitty behaviour, unkind behaviour and selfishness are all pretty common in friendship groups. There are times to step in and every parent has to gauge when that point is, but often stepping back is actually the best action. One of the things of growing up kids is realising as a parent that you can’t control everything and managing to take that step back. I do t know if this incident is one of those kind of things or not.

I wouldn't bother saying anything to the parents. You've already said that the girls had no respect for adults or rules - that tells you everything about the parents.

They will take it as a personal criticism as well as you daring to say anything negative about their darling offspring who can do no wrong.

Honestly, it's not worth the hassle.

In my experience, telling the parent their little darling has behaved like an absolute little shit usually ends up with them getting defensive and blaming everyone but said little shit.

I don't think I'd bother, I'd just not invite them again.

Tell the parents! I'd want to know if that was my child. I'd be absolutely furious.

I’d say what @WombatChocolate said. Chances are also the little shits have lied to their parents or made up stuff about you, in case they suspected they would be told off.

The parents need to know that they actually ruined the party for your dd and everyone else, wheter they care or not.

If these kids don't get invites to other kids' parties, and the parents realise it has something to do with your party, they may blame you and not the children's behaviour. If you tell them about the behaviour, maybe they'll realise that was the issue, but maybe they'll just take it as you not liking their kids and then assume that any lack of invites is because you've bad-mouthed them (even if you say nothing to any other parents). Difficult one. Perhaps you should take the line "I thought you should know that X and a couple of the others were very poorly behaved; the other children were quite shocked and some may have told their parents - I thought you should know in case anyone says anything." That way you let them know about the behaviour as a favour more than a complaint.

As someone said earlier, it's hard to deal with something like this in the moment, and it takes time to get the parents there to collect.

You work in a school yet don’t know how to deal with three 8yr old girls behaving badly? Dear god! 😳

If my child had behaved so badly and ruined the party for other guests and the birthday girl, I would have wanted to know.

"I thought you should know that X and a couple of the others were very poorly behaved; the other children were quite shocked and some may have told their parents - I thought you should know in case anyone says anything."

Just no. Don’t make any excuses like this, it will make you sound like a doormat.

Op may do anything in a school - bursar, cleaner etc.
She was just there as a friend’s mum.

Saying you and your partner haven't the ability to deal with the kids is a complete abdicated of responsibility. It's not rocket science. You are being far too nice. Proper bollocking and call to parents was needed rather that being utterly wet and getting someone else to intervene which is bloody pathetic. If you don't feel able to manage kids due to lack of experience you shouldnt have had a party without parents staying.

To be honest, if I couldn't call them in the heat of the moment or tell them immediately afterward, I probably wouldn't say anything days later, unless they asked, but I'm a bit of a coward. I'd suppose (perhaps incorrectly) that the parents of any child who behaves so shockingly most likely knows their child is a terror and might not react well to another adult informing them of the fact. It would also be incredibly awkward, and again, I'm a coward and prefer to avoid these situations.

Those children would never be welcome in my home or on any outing with us again. Possibly I'd relent in a couple of years, if my daughter told me they'd calmed down and if we were to be in a more easily managed setting.