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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

512 replies

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:21

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/08/2023 10:03

My exh used to do this.

It was especially unnerving when we had young children, as he’d zoom off leaving me with a little toddling child, to coax them along etc

And when we had one in a buggy he’d often zoom off ahead with the buggy which might have all my things on it in a bag - I did learn not to put everything on the buggy but that was quite annoying as it meant unnecessary carrying. So I’d be struggling along with walking (but still pretty young) child and the blooming bag, whilst he zoomed ahead with the buggy.

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 07/08/2023 10:03

All those people saying they, or their poor tall husbands, simply can't slow down because its painfull or their long legs won't let them - bollocks.

My normal pace is a little faster than average, at 3.5 to 4 mph. When my mum got arthritis and needed a stick, her pace was about 2.5mph. We still walked together. When my dad got Parkinsons and needed to use a walking frame his pace was glacial. It could take several minutes to get from his room to the dining room 30m away. That was frustrating - but even that wasn't physically painful or impossible to match- amd I didn't abandon him half way down the corridor.

mosiacmaker · 07/08/2023 10:06

have you tried saying to him “I know that you don’t mean to be disrespectful and that your walking ahead is just innocent to you, however it makes me feel really rejected and sad and it makes me feel like we aren’t a romantic happy couple, are you able to change your behaviour for me when we are doing special things, even if you don’t really understand it?”

If you bundle up behaviour change with them accepting your perception of their intent and motive then people get very defensive.

Two things can be true, he can be oblivious and unable to understand how walking ahead makes you feel a certain way, because in his head he has no malicious intent and so doesn’t understand how you’re projecting so much onto the walking ahead.

It can also be true that it makes you feel left out, that it reminds you of feeling like you’ve lost the romance and that he’s inconsiderate etc.

If your objective is to get the behaviour to change, then going in all guns blazing that his waking ahead definitively means he is an asshole with no consideration for you, then obviously his reaction is going to be “I’m not an asshole and walking ahead doesn’t mean that at all! Chill out!”

Easier to say, hey I acknowledge that you’re probably coming from a completely different place here and I know you’d never intentionally hurt me, but it makes me feel XYZ when you do that. Do you think you could meet me halfway and hold my hand and walk with me when we are doing special activities? You can walk ahead when we are on bog standard walks as I know you like to walk fast and get that too.”

lastminutewednesday · 07/08/2023 10:06

Both my ex and my current h do this. The difference is that exh wouldn't stop doing it when I asked, current dh always stops, apologies and slows down a bit.
I used to hate it!

afishcalledbreanda · 07/08/2023 10:10

This is not about you, this is about how the OP FEELS. Are you always this emotionally immature?

Well, yes, it's all about OP and her feelings and plans, which seem to be all that matters. Quite interesting that her DC choose to run a alongside their dad, though, rather than hang back with mum.

I have a friend who's a terrible faffer: gets out of the car, checks handbag for everything that might possibly be needed, puts water bottle and snacks in a backpack just in case, puts backpack on, checks for car keys, can't find them, takes backpack off in case she's put them in there, then decides she needs an umbrella or an extra handy-pack of tissues from the glove compartment. Then can't find her sunglasses and wants to consult me on whether she will or won't need a sunhat... I have been known to set off at a brisk pace with a 'See you there' just to avoid the faff.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/08/2023 10:10

The OP has already said she's a speed walker, so she is not walking slowly. People are talking about her as though she is dawdling.

Greenberg2 · 07/08/2023 10:10

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 09:35

That's a different scenario tho'. Walking around a city looking at shops, buildings etc and having a conversation together is clearly important in that situation.

I can't think of any high landmarks in Prague but for example I wouldn't have expected my husband to go at my pace climbing the leaning Tower of Pisa.

Show quote history

No it isn't different at all. It's just that you would want to take time looking at shops, buildings etc. And you're not bothered about seeing landmarks.

I couldn't bear spending all my time in a beautiful city looking at shops. But if I was with my partner or a close friend I'd compromise. Something you seem unable to do because you can only see things from your perspective.

Just like the OP's husband, which is probably why you can't see anything wrong with him.

ShiteRider · 07/08/2023 10:10

This is an eye opener for me, I’m a fast walker and DH dawdles and smokes. I’m forever turning around and realising he’s not there. I will turn round and wait for him when I realise but it’s so frustrating, I feel like I’m walking on the spot when we walk together. It’s less of an issue when we’re just out for a walk but when we’re going somewhere I can’t understand why he doesn’t just speed up a bit. I didn’t realise that made me narcissistic or psychopathic or whatever it was.

If he had physical restrictions that’s different, I can slow down for elderly relatives etc and just accept that we’re not going anywhere at a normal pace (still frustrating, it’s like my brain is 15 steps ahead all the time) but man alive how he ever gets anywhere is a mystery to me!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/08/2023 10:11

afishcalledbreanda · 07/08/2023 10:10

This is not about you, this is about how the OP FEELS. Are you always this emotionally immature?

Well, yes, it's all about OP and her feelings and plans, which seem to be all that matters. Quite interesting that her DC choose to run a alongside their dad, though, rather than hang back with mum.

I have a friend who's a terrible faffer: gets out of the car, checks handbag for everything that might possibly be needed, puts water bottle and snacks in a backpack just in case, puts backpack on, checks for car keys, can't find them, takes backpack off in case she's put them in there, then decides she needs an umbrella or an extra handy-pack of tissues from the glove compartment. Then can't find her sunglasses and wants to consult me on whether she will or won't need a sunhat... I have been known to set off at a brisk pace with a 'See you there' just to avoid the faff.

Well that’s very rude!

Greenberg2 · 07/08/2023 10:12

afishcalledbreanda · 07/08/2023 10:10

This is not about you, this is about how the OP FEELS. Are you always this emotionally immature?

Well, yes, it's all about OP and her feelings and plans, which seem to be all that matters. Quite interesting that her DC choose to run a alongside their dad, though, rather than hang back with mum.

I have a friend who's a terrible faffer: gets out of the car, checks handbag for everything that might possibly be needed, puts water bottle and snacks in a backpack just in case, puts backpack on, checks for car keys, can't find them, takes backpack off in case she's put them in there, then decides she needs an umbrella or an extra handy-pack of tissues from the glove compartment. Then can't find her sunglasses and wants to consult me on whether she will or won't need a sunhat... I have been known to set off at a brisk pace with a 'See you there' just to avoid the faff.

You're just making a load of stuff up. You have no idea if the OP is a faffer. It's not that surprising that the DC tend to follow the DH. People often appease narcissists, which is why they often get away with it.

DuckyShincracker · 07/08/2023 10:13

My ex did this to me all the time it was because he held me in utter contempt I do hope you situation is not the same.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/08/2023 10:13

I’m not personally a faffer, but your friend sounds like she has anxiety issues.

Funnily enough when I’ve gone places with friends , or with other family groups, I’ve realised I’m naturally quite speedy, it’s just exh was really really extra keen to forge ahead - he didn’t really do it til we had children so I think alot of it was deliberate to avoid child wrangling.

Jujubes5 · 07/08/2023 10:14

Can i say that I think you should let the DCs hear any reasoned explanation as to why you were upset - that you arranged the holiday for him but that you had hoped it would be a fun family holiday you will all enjoy as a team before the DCs are old enough to go their separate and that getting first sight of the Thing was something you wanted to share to see their faces.

I really think you should do this as there is a risk that you are seen as needy and pathetic (a bit strong) when DF is the capable decisive one.
You are then letting them see that having emotional feelings about what should have been an important event for you all is absolutely normal and a good thing.
I would start criticising DF, or asking why he has behaved a certain more, as his strong will could be putting you in a bad light.

I was brought up in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic and angry DF - NOTHING was ever discussed. The rest of us were never a team. Sad.

ScribblingPixie · 07/08/2023 10:14

I'm with you @ShiteRider. Sometimes my DH and I have to phone each other to see where we each are.

Shodan · 07/08/2023 10:14

Missing out on Witnessing a first reaction together of a landmark, brought you nearly to tears? Come on, that's a bit much.

Is it not the same as seeing the joy on your children's faces when they're unwrapping the Christmas/birthday presents you've carefully chosen, bought and wrapped for them? I'd be a bit upset if someone else (who HADN'T done all the tedious prep) just handed them over without me being there. That look of awe/wonder/joy is precious.

OP my XH used to do similar. I can still remember him towing me along behind him in Las Vegas. He, of course, didn't bear the brunt of the aggrieved looks and protests, because he was too busy steaming ahead. (I dropped his hand PDQ and then lost him in less than a couple of minutes due to the crowds). He also used to get up and leave the table in a restaurant without a backward glance. Reasons number 221 for him now being an ex.

On the other hand, DS1 (27) also walks 'quick march', but has been brought up to have manners, and so moderates his pace when walking with those who walk slower (which includes his girlfriend as well as me). If he occasionally mutters some guff about how 'painful' it is to walk slowly, I remind him that when he was a toddler he used to nearly yank my arm out of its socket, dawdling and dragging his feet, and then he remembers that he's not a selfish arse really and cheers up.

Greenberg2 · 07/08/2023 10:15

ShiteRider · 07/08/2023 10:10

This is an eye opener for me, I’m a fast walker and DH dawdles and smokes. I’m forever turning around and realising he’s not there. I will turn round and wait for him when I realise but it’s so frustrating, I feel like I’m walking on the spot when we walk together. It’s less of an issue when we’re just out for a walk but when we’re going somewhere I can’t understand why he doesn’t just speed up a bit. I didn’t realise that made me narcissistic or psychopathic or whatever it was.

If he had physical restrictions that’s different, I can slow down for elderly relatives etc and just accept that we’re not going anywhere at a normal pace (still frustrating, it’s like my brain is 15 steps ahead all the time) but man alive how he ever gets anywhere is a mystery to me!

Yet another person who's assumed she dawdles. No evidence of this whatsoever and what is it got to do with the OP that your husband smokes during walks. The OP has said she walks at regular speed, just that the husband bombs along.

madeinmanc · 07/08/2023 10:17

@CoalTit I'm afraid that cycling behind a mere woman seems to brings out the worst in a lot of men. I've noticed they'll do anything to overtake, even if they then continue on directly in front of you for ages after that. They just cannot bear to be following you, so your bin story doesn't surprise me at all.

SophieTheWonderCat · 07/08/2023 10:17

Growuppeople · 07/08/2023 01:39

My god this is why I’m single

because of Op's husband?

ShiteRider · 07/08/2023 10:17

ScribblingPixie · 07/08/2023 10:14

I'm with you @ShiteRider. Sometimes my DH and I have to phone each other to see where we each are.

😂. Yes in the supermarket I send him off for a couple of things and then we just phone each other to see where the other one is. By the time he’s got two things I’ve done half of the weekly shop.

Sounds like we should start a walking group? 😉

madeinmanc · 07/08/2023 10:21

@SophieTheWonderCat Hardly! It's presumably because we single people don't have to put up with selfish behaviour like this which devalues you as a person. And it's fabulous and amazing. I love threads like this that remind me how amazing it is.

Greenberg2 · 07/08/2023 10:22

ShiteRider · 07/08/2023 10:17

😂. Yes in the supermarket I send him off for a couple of things and then we just phone each other to see where the other one is. By the time he’s got two things I’ve done half of the weekly shop.

Sounds like we should start a walking group? 😉

Show quote history

Yeah cos the supermarket is just like an amazing landmark. 🙄

ShiteRider · 07/08/2023 10:22

Greenberg2 · 07/08/2023 10:15

Yet another person who's assumed she dawdles. No evidence of this whatsoever and what is it got to do with the OP that your husband smokes during walks. The OP has said she walks at regular speed, just that the husband bombs along.

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But it’s subjective, I think I walk at a normal speed. He thinks he does. Probably the truth is somewhere in between.

We have no idea how fast OP or her husband walk but if the kids are choosing to walk with him rather than her, that might be an indicator.

This thread mainly amused me because within a few posts the husband has been labelled and diagnosed for something that I do. I’m definitely not controlling, selfish, narcissistic etc (in fact probably on the other end of the scale) but according to MN, because I walk faster than DH I must be.

Dixiechickonhols · 07/08/2023 10:23

Overlooked and disregarded sums it up.
You asked him to wait and he didn’t. He knows you wanted to experience it together.
It’s not about the walking speed but the doing something that knowingly upsets your wife and not caring.
It sounds like a small thing but when you unpick it’s saying I don’t care about you.
When couples with long marriages are asked it’s often the little things that matter - he makes me a cup of tea in bed etc. little things that show care.
If you do stay then I’d be clear you aren’t tolerating it. You hold on to the tickets. Stop and walk off not follow etc.

ShiteRider · 07/08/2023 10:23

Greenberg2 · 07/08/2023 10:22

Yeah cos the supermarket is just like an amazing landmark. 🙄

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What are you talking about?!

I’m having a slightly off topic conversation with someone else about the challenges of moving at different speeds. Neither of us mentioned landmarks 😂😂

Its as though you’re looking for an argument with someone.

Jujubes5 · 07/08/2023 10:24

Let's face it if he is walking sooooo fast the OP cannot keep up he is walking too fast - most of my family walk fast, DH doesn't but on holiday you walk on ahead then loiter while the slower one catches up.
May as well go on holiday alone if you never walk together.