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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

512 replies

Gotthetshirt1 · 07/08/2023 01:21

How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

OP posts:
Trulywonderfulworld · 07/08/2023 09:28

I would show your dh and your children what you have written here.
Its rude to walk ahead and leave someone behind.
As a curtesy you walk at the pace everyone can keep up with.
In future OP if they walk ahead sit down. Wait for them to see you’re not there and for them to return to find you. Do not rush to catch up or put up with being the one left behind. Your dh is a bully and your dcs are following his lead.

MsRosley · 07/08/2023 09:29

'Please slow down and wait for me, or I'm going back to the car and will leave. I find your lack of consideration very rude.'

'Blah, blah, blah.'

'I don't care. It's rude. We go together or we don't go at all.'

StarPotential · 07/08/2023 09:30

When we used to go out as a family with exh he spoilt the enjoyment of everything as he whizzed ahead and we all had to keep up hardly taking notice of what we had come to see.

I remember going to a museum that the kids would have loved but he dominated the pace of it and when we got out he declared it was ‘rubbish’ but he hadn’t witnessed most of it. Then we would be going home after an hour. If we had taken it at the kids’ pace we could have spent an enjoyable half a day.

Hbh17 · 07/08/2023 09:31

I have spent the entirety of my very long marriage walking 3 paces behind my husband. Even tho I walk quickly, he has long legs and just really struggles to moderate his pace. I never even thought about it until a friend commented. I just think it's mildly hilarious and not something to worry about.

Curseofthenation · 07/08/2023 09:31

He is completely unreasonable. However, you do still have the ability to mould your teens into considerate people by simply asking them on them to stick with you on the journey out. Your husband can bugger off on his own. I bet he won't get the same kick out of leaving you behind if you're having a nice time walking in the company of your DC.

You need to explain to your DC in a clear way that it is rude to leave someone behind, so that they don't turn into inconsiderate partners too.

A slightly cruel tactic is to lumber your husband with a load of crap to carry 😆. Finally, if you go to an attraction that requires parking, then fuck off out of the car with your DC and leave it for him to sort.

pinkyredrose · 07/08/2023 09:31

He does show some other elements around control etc

He thinks he's more important than you.

Puffalicious · 07/08/2023 09:32

NewbieSM · 07/08/2023 09:25

Hmm I'm in the minority who thinks you are making a bigger deal about his than it needs to be. Missing out on Witnessing a first reaction together of a landmark, brought you nearly to tears? Come on, that's a bit much.

I'm naturally a fast walker, I want to get where I'm going not piss about waiting for slow people. If the kids and your husband are moving at a fast pace then unless you have a mobility issue, keep up, simple really. Move with the majority if it's that important to you.

Also I don't think height has that much to do with it, I walk much faster than my husband who is over a foot taller than me and he's the one having to rush to keep up. Cardio is good for you.

So blind. It's all me, me, me in this post.

This is not about you, this is about how the OP FEELS. Are you always this emotionally immature?

And I'd hate to be in a relationship with someone this self absorbed.

Puffalicious · 07/08/2023 09:33

pinkyredrose · 07/08/2023 09:31

He does show some other elements around control etc

He thinks he's more important than you.

Yup

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 07/08/2023 09:34

This is not about you, this is about how the OP FEELS. Are you always this emotionally immature?

What about how the other three members of her family feel? It's not just about the OP..

She has a husband and two kids who all appear happy to walk quickly and who aren't bothered about shared family moments and seeing the expressions on each others faces 🤷‍♀️

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 09:35

crackofdoom · 07/08/2023 09:20

I once had a boyfriend who went all out to impress me by taking me to Prague for a weekend, booking us into a beautiful hotel- then blew the effect totally by walking 6 paces ahead of me the whole time. 🤦‍♀️

My dad used to do this on family walks when he was pissed off with us or my mum. He was and still is horrible.

That's a different scenario tho'. Walking around a city looking at shops, buildings etc and having a conversation together is clearly important in that situation.

I can't think of any high landmarks in Prague but for example I wouldn't have expected my husband to go at my pace climbing the leaning Tower of Pisa.

honeylulu · 07/08/2023 09:35

My husband was prone to doing this. I'm not a "dawdler" but I have shorter legs (one slightly shorter than the other) and an old knee injury so my pace is slower. If I forced myself to keep up I'd actually have to break into a jog. Going for a run is fine if you want to go for a run but we were supposed to be "going for a walk". We used to do a lot of country walks before we had children and would bicker over this a lot. I'd say there was no point going for a walk together if we weren't actually walking ... together. Sometimes he'd accuse me off walking slowly on purpose just so I could have a go at him. WtF? This usually happened after we passed someone coming the other way and he'd suddenly be embarrassed how it looked - that he was striding so far ahead of me through the woods and it looked like we'd had a massive row.

On holiday it felt like he could never enjoy the moment as he'd tear off ahead without seeming to take in the surroundings. I'd pause to take a photo of the beautiful view ahead, immediately ruined by his bonce bobbing up in the camera lens because he couldn't bear to stop for just a few seconds. But later when I recounted the interesting landmarks and features he'd seem a bit huffy because he'd missed seeing most of them!

It got better after we had children as obviously they do walk slower and my two can dawdle for England (yes it is annoying) and I think he realised he looked even more of a twat striding off on his own with his wife behind with pushchair and children!

I also let him be hoisted by his own petard a few times and he gradually learnt from it. Once we were in a tropical island trying to reach a particular location. I stopped to look at the map and realised we were heading the wrong way. I called him back but he was already so far ahead he couldn't hear me. It was hot and humid and I couldn't face running after him which was the only way I'd catch up. So I sat down and waited for him to come back. He was furious at first but couldn't really justify that I was in the wrong.

On another occasion we were in London with the children, heading to the tube. Must have been the time a lot of shows finished because the pavements and tube stations were heaving. Off he strode and we lost him in the crowd. Me and the children continued to tube as planned and got on the next train. Apparently he spent ages looking for us on the platform which would have been a hopeless task. He was cross when he turned up at Paddington and found us sitting comfortably with our hot drinks. "Well if you will run off like that you'll risk not being able to find us again" was the point I made.

Though I get the feeling OP's husband is beyond being taught a lesson, not least because the teens now do it too. Sympathies, OP.

PrinceHaz · 07/08/2023 09:36

I’d also look at the traits of autism when considering why he is like this.
He’s not going to change ever, so I would consider whether or not you want this for the rest of your life.

Naunet · 07/08/2023 09:38

Hbh17 · 07/08/2023 09:31

I have spent the entirety of my very long marriage walking 3 paces behind my husband. Even tho I walk quickly, he has long legs and just really struggles to moderate his pace. I never even thought about it until a friend commented. I just think it's mildly hilarious and not something to worry about.

He doesn’t have a problem moderating his pace though if he’s always 3 steps in front, he’s walking the same pace as you, just feels he should be ahead of you as he thinks he’s more important.

NatashaDancing · 07/08/2023 09:39

Puffalicious · 07/08/2023 09:32

So blind. It's all me, me, me in this post.

This is not about you, this is about how the OP FEELS. Are you always this emotionally immature?

And I'd hate to be in a relationship with someone this self absorbed.

It's only about how the OP feels, with no alternative views if you're intent on validating her feelings 100% .

And I'd hate to be in a relationship with someone this self absorbed

And I'd hate to be in a relationship with someone who seems so obsessed about creating perfect family moments.

billy1966 · 07/08/2023 09:40

Not normal at all.

What an arse.

He is no gentleman and his children are modeling this behaviour.

I am travelling with my husband and two daughters and I would sit down with all tickets and money and would not co operate at all in your place.

Of course my husband being a lovely man wouldn't dream of doing this.
He takes the greatest of care with me and our daughters, modeling a good caring person.

Your husband is clearly an unpleasant man and no way would I be organising a holiday again.

These behaviours are NEVER in isolation.

Join the dots and get some counselling for yourself.

Dry your tears and start minding yourself.

There is NOTHING more miserable than gowing older with a selfish unfeeling prick.

Wishing you well.

Inkpotlover · 07/08/2023 09:41

Were you at the Grand Canyon by any chance? If so, you are absolutely right to be upset. The first view is breathtaking and I can completely understand why you wanted to see your DCs' responses.

Your 'D'H, meanwhile, is breathtakingly arrogant. It's rude to walk ahead like you're some little woman who needs to stay ten paces behind at all time, but it's even ruder to disparage you being upset for it. Is this a well-worn pattern of behaviour for him?

titchy · 07/08/2023 09:42

But why should the pace be set by the person who walks like a snail?

Because that person is the one who organised it, thought about a once in a lifetime experience, carried the entire mental load. Because that person is your mum and your wife and you appreciate what she does and want to share something with her.

Just a thought.

Lachimolala · 07/08/2023 09:45

Curtainswithpompoms · 07/08/2023 05:25

My dad is like this and my sister.
Now I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, I can see that my dad probably has it too.
He cannot help but walk miles in front. I remember his previous partner being furious about it. My DH used to (affectionately I hope!) refer to me as Turbo.
When you have ADHD you feel as though you are being powered by a motor and it’s quite beyond your control.
Does your DH seem in a rush in everything his does? Does he get easily overwhelmed by his feelings of impatience?

He could listen to you and try to rail against his natural state (if he does have ADHD) to show you respect but if it is ADHD he will struggle with this.

I have ADHD and I plod along like a geriatric donkey 😂

Xrays · 07/08/2023 09:48

titchy · 07/08/2023 09:42

But why should the pace be set by the person who walks like a snail?

Because that person is the one who organised it, thought about a once in a lifetime experience, carried the entire mental load. Because that person is your mum and your wife and you appreciate what she does and want to share something with her.

Just a thought.

Exactly.

People are so bloody selfish.

cocoloco117 · 07/08/2023 09:49

Naunet · 07/08/2023 08:33

So if you took your elderly mother to somewhere like Niagara Falls, and you’d seen the falls before and she hadn’t, you’d have no thoughts about wanting to share the experience with her, but instead see nothing wrong with storming off ahead of her? And if she told you that she wanted you to stay with her so you could see them together, you’d be annoyed?
I highly doubt it.

I wouldn’t doubt it, going by some of the weirdos posting on here.

Curtainswithpompoms · 07/08/2023 09:52

Lachimolala · 07/08/2023 09:45

I have ADHD and I plod along like a geriatric donkey 😂

There are 3 types of ADHD which I’m sure you know, having it yourself. You are probably not in the hyperactive category!

NewbieSM · 07/08/2023 09:56

@Puffalicious well yes I used my personal experience to offer a differing opinion as have other posters, you don't have to agree.

*And I'd hate to be in a relationship with someone this self absorbed
*
That's ok love, don't think you'd be able to keep up with me any way Grin

Lachimolala · 07/08/2023 10:00

Curtainswithpompoms · 07/08/2023 09:52

There are 3 types of ADHD which I’m sure you know, having it yourself. You are probably not in the hyperactive category!

You actually don’t always fall into just one category, I know which ones I’m in thanks!

Point is OP your husbands being cruel and rude, neither of which are typical ADHD traits. Neurodivergence doesn’t automatically equal being a shitty person.

myNewName21 · 07/08/2023 10:00

billy1966 · 07/08/2023 09:40

Not normal at all.

What an arse.

He is no gentleman and his children are modeling this behaviour.

I am travelling with my husband and two daughters and I would sit down with all tickets and money and would not co operate at all in your place.

Of course my husband being a lovely man wouldn't dream of doing this.
He takes the greatest of care with me and our daughters, modeling a good caring person.

Your husband is clearly an unpleasant man and no way would I be organising a holiday again.

These behaviours are NEVER in isolation.

Join the dots and get some counselling for yourself.

Dry your tears and start minding yourself.

There is NOTHING more miserable than gowing older with a selfish unfeeling prick.

Wishing you well.

I am travelling with my husband and two daughters and I would sit down with all tickets and money and would not co operate at all in your place.

my Exmil would do shitty childish things like this to get her own way irrespective of what other people in the party would think, she would pout like a baby if she didn’t get her own way

Pixiedust1234 · 07/08/2023 10:01

My DH does this but it's my fault for not keeping up. But I would have to run to keep up which isn't sustainable. Funny how my two DD who are fast walkers manage to walk at my pace. And yes, he did put the DC in danger at roads because he didn't check where they where Angry

My DF used to do this on family outings as as a pp mentioned dad at front, mum way behind (usually with picnic bags and blanket) and us four kids galloping in between. It's only recently that I've realised he did it on purpose because he was angry with her and it was how he punished her, the little disrespectful things that are difficult to call out. I've also realised I've married my abusive father despite my attempts not to.

OP, what else does he do that you find hurtful but he dismisses it as a you problem?