Keeps walking ahead & leaving me behind

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How would you feel in this scenario? You organise a major family holiday overseas for DH plus 2 teens, highlight of which is a day trip to visit one of the wonders of the world. So a big deal in terms of something really special to enjoy together as a family - a once in a lifetime thing. When we park, DH walks so fast towards the attraction which is about a 5 min walk, that I cant possibly keep up with him as I cant walk at same pace (im a regular speed walker, he insists on getting everywhere ultra fast to the point he will barge his way through people) and have to dodge others using the same path. Our teens are able to keep up with his pace and as theyre increasingly taking cues from his behaviour they zoom ahead at speed at DH's pace, meaning Im tagging along behind. Im about 60 seconds behind them & i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right? I call out for them to wait - my DH turns, sees that im only moments behind them and carries on to the main lookout point and they take in their first view of it without me. I get there a minute later and i feel so upset that i wasnt able to witness their reaction to seeing this incredible landmark which was the highlight of our whole trip. I ask DH why he didnt wait for me and he says 'you were slower than us, youre here now so it doesnt matter', completely oblivious to why id be upset that wed missed this shared family moment. He has often walked way ahead of me - like at airports - which ive always found pretty inconsiderate and rude. He says he just wants to get there and its not his fault if i 'walk slowly' (which i dont, he just zooms everywhere). This has left me feeling really overlooked and disregarded - I had arranged the whole trip (somewhere he wanted to go) and what really hurts is not just that he didnt even consider that this is something we were all doing together - its not 'together' if you leave someone behind - but that his behaviour is encouraging the same lack of consideration in our kids, who were so focussed on keeping up with him virtually sprinting down the street that they didnt wait for me either (which is to be expected as he was driving the behaviour). He had seen the landmark twice before too. He genuinely feels i have no reason at all to be offended or upset by what happened. I feel ive been robbed of a special family moment. I know that walking ahead is often mentioned as a common narcissistic personality trait. He does show some other elements around control etc and im now thinking is this behaviour designed to emphasise his role as the 'in charge' person, who doesnt feel the need to compromise to show consideration for others? And that walking together in a group gives off some kind of air of equality that they cant deal with? AIBU for feeling really upset about this? Its left me in tears

My husband used to have the irritating habit where when we were getting up to leave say a restaurant, he'd zoom off straight away while I'm still getting up, putting my jacket on and gathering my bag etc, checking we have everything etc like most people do.

It annoyed me so much because I felt like I'd be hurriedly following him out feeling all rushed and when I mentioned it he had no idea it was a thing, and made an active effort to stop. When I met his dad I realised he's EXACTLY the same although 10x worse and it's definitely a horrible narcissistic power trip personality thing, he'll just stride off anywhere and expect the rest of us to follow.

It's obviously a learned thing in this case and it does pass on to kids, without them realising it's a bad thing, case in point right here. Luckily my husband is much better now and makes an active effort not to do it but occasionally he'll still absentmindedly start striding off when I'm still getting my toddler ready to leave and nothing annoys me more!!!

This is perfect. Do this without any emotional outburst.
Just expect polite and normal behaviour and settle for nothing less.
It doesn't matter that he would not be upset by similar treatment. He is not married to himself. He is living with a real family of people who have feelings to be respected.

I do know that but I would hate someone to dismiss all women as a group because their wife was this or that.

It’s also a bullying tactic by some men. The barrelling people out of the way. I know one who deliberately walks at people especially if he’s in a mood and says well they shouldn’t be dawdling in the way when they are at a normal speed. He also doesn’t follow etiquette like stopping to let people pass eg if a woman with umbrella and bags coming towards me on narrow path i’d stop or move around not straight men up and march through, it’s rude. If pulled up he’s say stupid woman stood in the way.

No, the OP said she's a regular-speed walker — ie, she thinks she walks at a regular speed. This has been noted several times already.

Just a thought, a life lesson from Lilo and Stitch:
“Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten”
You aren’t wrong, OP. 💐

All right, maybe I have over reacted but my abusive step Dad used to do this to my Mum and it was just one thing out of many that said "I'm a massive knobhead".

We need more context, is he an ADHDer full of irrepressible and unmanaged energy who is otherwise a caring guy, or is he a selfish person who just doesn't care about OP?

But he IS moderating his pace, otherwise the gap would get bigger and bigger.

So why does he need to take those first 3 steps to get ahead?

I'm not going to comment on the walking as other people have but OP, why are you treating the landmark as something you have bought and gift-wrapped for the family... and are angry that you didn't see the expression on their faces? That is bizarre and I wonder if that's precisely what your husband didn't want to provide for you.

I don't know if he's a man you want to be with going forwards but that level of control about the monument and insistence on seeing it at the exact same time, screams to me that your husband was making a point of not complying, exerting and showing his displeasure of your arrangement.

Worth a conversation when you're back home I think.

Hbh17 · Today 09:31
I have spent the entirety of my very long marriage walking 3 paces behind my husband. Even tho I walk quickly, he has long legs and just really struggles to moderate his pace. I never even thought about it until a friend commented. I just think it's mildly hilarious and not something to worry about.

was replying to this

The thing about it rubbing off on children - my Dd (14) does it a bit too now. I do always tell her because it bothers me.

In her case it’s not that she’s super fast - when it’s the two of us we walk at the same speed - but that if we’re with 9 yo ds who is slower, or with my Mum who is also slower now she’s older, we have to pace ourselves to the slowest person. Otherwise we end up with her up ahead, my Mum and DS behind both being older/ younger and also being the kind of people who like to “smell the roses”, and me going back and forth in between trying to keep us together.

I also thought the actual landmark bit/ expressions on faces was a bit of a non issue, but the overall working ahead is disrespectful.

why are you treating the landmark as something you have bought and gift-wrapped for the family... and are angry that you didn't see the expression on their faces? That is bizarre and I wonder if that's precisely what your husband didn't want to provide for you.

Yes, this too.

Your DH has made it clear that how this behaviour makes you feel is unimportant as far as he is concerned. SO continuing to tell him that is not going to work. Next time, instead of discussing feelings tell him that it is bad manners and disrespectful and that you are concerned that his modelling rude unpleasant behaviour is now wearing off on his DC. Point out that just because his parents were happy to bring up an inconsiderate and rude oaf doesn't mean that you are prepared to do the same. Tell him that you are going to have a conversation with the DC in order to nip this incipient ill-mannered behaviour in the bud and that thereafter you will call them out on it every single time they behave in that way (and that there will be - minor- consequences if they continue). If they comment on their father continuing to behave like this ust shrug and point out to them that now they can see/understand how rude it is.

i can see theyve almost reached the spot where theyll see the landmark for the first time - an experience a family would naturally want to share right?

I don’t understand how seeing a landmark at exactly the same time as the rest of the family is something special, especially when he’s already seen it twice.

If I was taking my DD somewhere that she wanted to really see then I would let her go first so she could point things out to me, but then she’s a child.

I think you’re taking it too personally and that it hasn’t ruined any special family moments but I do think he’s inconsiderate and a bit of an arse, as it seems he’s not even trying to slow down or make an effort.

I would just carry on going at your own pace though, don’t worry about trying to keep up.
If he zooms around and is finished before you then he’ll just need to wait.

I have ADHD and do walk ahead. I hadn't realised how rude it was until my daughter started doing it to me (also has ADHD).
It is like you just want to get to a place and you are so focused in your head to get there. Also I get sensory overload so just want to get to where I need to go so I can avoid the crowds, noise, cars, people etc
I wouldn't think I was being rude.

Honestly though when my daughter does it I can see how upsetting it is for others. What I do now is I just stop where I am and then she has to come back to me ( she is a teenager).
I have really tried to stop walking ahead myself because I can see how it makes the person behind feel.

I can understand if Op has spent months planning an expensive holiday. You have in your mind while you are arranging everything how it will be. Wanting to see the Grand Canyon or whatever with your family as opposed to after them isn’t unreasonable.
I’m going in a once in a lifetime type holiday in a few weeks. Taken hours of planning, we’ve all been watching you tube etc. Seeing x for the first time is a big part of trip.

My ex did this to me regardless of where we were going - out for a walk, around a museum or art gallery, ‘pootling’ along on holiday. It was symptomatic of him not actually wanting anything to do with me, wanting everything on his terms. He’d barely interact with me, and when we were in a LDR for a couple of years, he’d turn his phone off so he’d be completely uncontactable. He seemed to really think I was beneath him and not worth bothering with, he just expected me to be there when he deigned to pick me up again. It was one symptom of the reason he’s an ex.

I was on another thread recently where a poster said the walking ahead thing is also a sign of avoidant attachment, which definitely sounds familiar when I think of other behaviours of my ex.

My dad did this sort of thing my entire childhood. Every family event he was zooming ahead, to the point it actually made him quite stressed and he’d be short tempered and bad company anyway. I hated it as a child and still hate it now.

How old are your children? I understand their behaviour was influenced by their dad, but I’d absolutely be pointing out to the entire family how it made you feel. My eldest daughter is 5 but already I’ve started to make her aware of how her actions affect other people, even when an adult is leading the way. For example, her and her dad ate an entire tray of roasted veg that I’d made for everyone. I expressed my disappointment to both of them, even though my DH was the most responsible.

I agree. The 'sharing a family moment of seeing their expressions / reactions when they got to the landmark' all sounds a bit OTT.

Your husband is rude though.

From my reading, the OP was mainly taking issue with this particular time where her H walked ahead. She also said he had seen this landmark a few times before, so therefore shouldn't have been so eager to get there that he left his wife behind. OP wanted to be there at the exact same moment as her family, so she could share that "first sighting" experience with them.

I think ppl are getting fixated on the fast walking vs slow walking. The real issue is that OP's H, for this particular event, was an absolute dick, depriving her of a special family moment. And then he waved off her feelings, because he wouldn't have had an issue.

OP, I understand why you feel hurt. I would have done, as well. Fortunately, as fast a walker as my husband normally is, he doesn't put his needs above that of his wife and family. Your H was disrespectful and selfish here. I'm sorry.

My exH was like this, he's a whole foot and a half taller than me. I used to get fed up and just go at my own pace. Meanwhile I'm actually quite a fast walker and a friend of mine struggles to keep up with me, so I slow down when I'm with her, especially now her DD walks instead of being in a buggy. Definitely slower than me and my friend! It's funny how women can walk slowly for children, but men aren't expected to walk more slowly for their female partners.

The Op shouted wait and the whole family ignored her and carried on. Op did catch them up but what if she was shouting wait because she needed to go back to car, her shoe had broken or she had hurt her ankle etc.

I think ppl are getting fixated on the fast walking vs slow walking. The real issue is that OP's H, for this particular event, was an absolute dick, depriving her of a special family moment. And then he waved off her feelings

This

This is one of those things where I fairly frequently watch my husband doing it and wonder whether my standards are too low....